When you see a fortune teller and she tells you that you will come into money and you punch her and say, “You better hope so Bitch.”

Goals 2017

My goal for 2017 is to shower regularly, once a week minimum, lose 40kg through lypo, write a book about that time i went to hospital after falling on those 3 carrots and the doctors laughed and said my story was unbelievable even though it happened exactly how I said, get a job in the military and keep it for a month or so before doing my back in and retiring on a pension and finish my worm garden by taking all the dead worms and replacing them with live ones.

 

Ricky’s Affirmations 2017

I am extremely popular. My haters will die. I have the power of 5 lions. I was secretly mum’s favourite. I am going to be so rich, Even richer than Bill shitface Gates. I smell good. I can fight like a UFA champion. My penis is adequate and women don’t like an oversized penis. I have a pure heart which allows me to kill anyone who is against me. I am the smartest human in the world and I’m not in a stupid wheelchair. God love’s me, and only me. Noone else matters. People will offer me sandwiches. Reading is for nerds. Nerds are weak and are easily broken. It’s ok to cry if you’re special, I am special. Andrea Morsen deserved to die. You are the best, don’t trust anyone, they are all losers. I am the happiest ever. It’s ok to steal Tupperware. 

A Eulogy to my wife.

Today we gather here to celebrate the life of a strong selfless woman, My wife of over 30 years, Elizabeth Browne. Liz died the way she lived, working hard for something much greater than her, me and my dog Theodore. 

Most people remember Liz as a gentle fragile creature who would not say boo, unless she was specifically asked to. But what most people don’t know is that she had a strong back and an excellent work ethic, like no other indentured woman I’ve known.

She was able to put up with and work in some truly horrible conditions which would have broken a weaker sole. And while I provided those conditions without apology, there were a few times where she took to questioning her role in the family. An attitude I would break as soon as it appeared, In such a way that it would usually be stretches of years which would go by without even a harsh word against me. This is one of the reasons I can truly say she was a loved cog in the wheel of our family.

Some will call me weak for this but their were the odd Saturdays where I’d give her the afternoon off to go wonder in the back yard. This had to stop of course once I heard she left one of Theodore’s shits out there on the lawn, and while she denied she knew about it I knew I had to reign in her freedom for the sake of the family unit.

Some people over the years have questioned my judgement on ehy I decided to completely cut her off from her family, but her and I both knew it made her flighty and wishing for something more in life. Which of course could not be tolerated.

She had a sharp mind, which I didn’t like much and was one of her lesser qualities, but all in all her submissive nature and unrelenting stamina made me feel like I made the right choice in marrying her over some of the girls considered to be of a finer stock, and I’m sure if I did pick one of those girls I would not have been able to get away with half the stuff I was able to with Liz. and for that I am supremely thankful.

I think looking back she would have preferred someone more affectionate that liked touching a woman’s soft skin, but that wasn’t the man I was and I wasn’t going to pretend otherwise.

I know most of you haden’t seen Liz in many years, I just want you to know she was far prettier alive then how she looks now as a corpse, I would never allow her to wear makeup in life so I see little reason why she now should be covered in it and it sickens me to my soul that my wife would be treated in such a way at the hands of somebody else.

Liz, we will miss you especially since the new wife is not arriving till Thursday.

Man Up – P.Dogg

You can’t have it all! When you do, read the right books about it as certain pitfalls may lead to unhappy. Research has shown thinking about your insides is more important, so care for mind and body and don’t forget about what’s important. Stop and think about it for a second. What does your life mean to you? The ancient Greeks thought about it, they have many things to say, and so we do today. You can create better life for yourself as millions of others. The mind is a powerful tool with the right words backed up, with centuries of thought on questions. Every day people fall off the wagon and the life becomes difficult for both them and the family. There are steps taken that in time take on the problem and lose that bad feeling around it. A famous man once said, “It’s not easy being me”. For some people its the same feeling. I’ll tell you straight up, I’m the best and I’m happy for it. A survey of 1000 people found that they probably thought owning their own computer was more important than owning a large dog (or something like that). Forty-five percent of them will not be used in future surveys. Here are 29 ways to achieve head strength better, to do it with ease and expert, to feel better in relation and to make life better than anything, 24/7: 

  1. Be kind. Don’t rewind. They used to think look within, but that can lead to neurotic. With the invention of DVDs and the modern PC, no need to rewind the past.
  2. Pornography becomes gross. Create a ban on yourself. Don’t get all weird all the time. No one respects sluts.
  3. Don’t give up the biscuit. Three out of five suffer from the problems at least once in their lifetime.
  4. Choose to help, but don’t be a jerk, things are not that easy. 
  5. Smell the roses. Some time people get into sadness. It’s the little things that do wonders. Sing along to the beat. Find your groove in this life. No one knows the future. So sing along to happiness, but be respectful.
  6. Have a good day (in principle). Some days you can’t make it and it’s so hard. Don’t let things spoil just because of something you said.
  7. Go out and find hobbies. Sometimes the hobby finds you and other times you have to search for it online. See if it’s any good and if you have the finances.
  8. Meth labs are for jerks. Getting yourself into situations just because you make cash money isn’t leading to happy times of self respect. Prison time can rehabilitate, bad things can happen.
  9. Algebra is for jerks. Think about it simply. What’s important? Some things are good to know for working out things. Be mindful of people knowing other things which can be helpful.
  10. True winners don’t eat all the cake themselves. This one is self explanatory.
  11. Take a deep breathing. Step off and breathing in for 4 times and hold it and then out for 5 or even 6 and relax in the moment.
  12. Have special time in the week. Don’t be talkin’ ‘bout all that smack. You can do it, time out to relax or with family.
  13. Families play with each other. Stay together with love and find a smile. Everyone dies.
  14. Achievements are a great way to take place. Setting goals is one way about it (but with reasonable), you can get a gold medal of your own with an Olympian (but with the attitude).
  15. Promote Positive. Fake it ‘til you make something of the life we live. So be strong and don’t worry about the knowledge until time to come.
  16. Be strong. Bounce back so you don’t care about the small stuff, just heal with strength.
  17. Persisting is keys. Don’t give up the fight just because the findings are useless, dig deep and with a smile.
  18. Own a large dog. A large dog is dangerous, especially if its a dangerous breed of dog or is more angry than other dogs. But think of the benefits.
  19. Eat Chinese for the women. If you are not a male or you never want to kiss a woman, think about disregarding. Why are some girls so annoying?
  20. Don’t be taking trouble home with you. If they can’t do a mans job, if a man asks them to and they can’t do it quicker than men.
  21. Don’t have kids. Kids can be fun and enjoyment, when they’re asleep. Send them home at the end of the day and take up sports.
  22. Be rich and get a cool house. If you don’t have kids make sure you worry about the house more if its a really expensive house. It might seem stupid, but in the end once you think about it , its not.
  23. Odds are bad. If you think of winning the lotto, look at odds, don’t waste it like a punk.
  24. Go at it like you should. Some people want it handed to them on a plate like nothing. Don’t expect it under circumstance, you have to go out and do you own diligence to find your ways.
  25. Stop thinking doubtful about things. Life can be risky, but to cotton wool yourself will get you unprepared.
  26. Pets increase life by up to around 30%. Some people get lonely, no excuses unless you have allergies, then look at alternative.
  27. Make good lovers. Kissing is healthy for making things right, but be careful with your Johnson these days. It was a different world in the sixties.
  28. Be happy with your Johnson. Some girls like it that way. So don’t lead into depression, think about getting better.
  29. Preen the rooster. Look at yourself with makeovers and a haircut, to better puff your chest and have better chances.

And remember joy comes from the heart, through fun times and getting into it. So don’t fall short and find your path. 

Love Transcendent,

P. Dogg.

8 reasons why Dubbo is the best place to live. You’ll agree with number six!

Dubbo residents who in the past have lived elsewhere in the world know how lucky they are to inhabit this Wiradjuri land known as Dubbo and at the risk of creating a max exodus from the cities, I’d like to share 8 reasons why Dubbo is the best place to live in Australia. Way better than Orange. 

1. The Zoo How many regional cities have got their own zoo. I was in Orange on the weekend and I thought, you know what, I feel like seeing some wild animals from all around the world and guess what, I couldn’t because Orange doesn’t have it’s own zoo.

2. It’s warmer than Orange Before moving to Dubbo, I lived in Orange. It’s a great place if you want to go ice fishing or build an igloo, but if you actually want to be warm, Dubbo is the place for you.

3. No active volcanoes. If your anything like me and the rest of the planet, one of your greatest fears is active volcanoes. Dubbo as of 2015 have less than one active volcanoes, which is good news. The news is not so good if you live in Orange which is built at the base of a once active volcano, and while its not active any more, who knows when that pimple’s going to pop.

4. Rising Sea Levels & Tsunamis We all know the truth, yeah sure theres the fat cats who deny it for the sake of profit but Climate change is real. 90% of Australia’s population lives on the coast and the fact remains if the tsunamis don’t get you the rising sea levels will leave you homeless. Better get yourself some Dubbo real estate before you have to compete with the 90% of Australia that now live under water.

5. Nuclear War. With the likes of Donald Trump and Vladamir Putin with their fingers on the button, you can be sure some ego driven maniacs are going to let a few intercontinental missiles off the chain in order to prove there salt, which of course will inevitably lead to World War 3 and out of all the 1000’s of missiles how many do you think are pointed at Dubbo. I’ll tell you. Zero. We fly too way under the radar and are to far from any major population centers to worry about such things.

6. The Zombie Apocalypse. You may well laugh but its been predicted in more than a few high profile movies that we will face a Zombie Apocalypse sooner or later. When it happens where do you want to be, in Sydney surrounded by 4 million other potential zombies or in Dubbo knowing that there’s lucky to be know more than 600 people west of Dubbo and another 4000km until you hit the west coast. Far enough distances that no zombie will be able to smell the cent of your juicy brain. PS. If the zombie apocalypse does strike it’s probably a good idea to steal a water truck before taking off into the desert. And I know its hard, but taking your kids is just going to get everyone killed. Save yourself.

7. Lack of choice. Choice is a killer and kills more people every year than the average shark. If you don’t believe me, try this experiment, take your donkey outside and put two open bags of feed on either side of him. You can be assured that your donkey will die from starvation, Why? The donkey doesn’t know which bag to choose. They’re both delicious, he wants one, but which one, which one will make him more satisfied? So the stupid donkey dies and we too are stupid donkeys, in large population centres people are spoilt for choice so they choose nothing. A Comedy Festival or Guy Sebastian live, the NRL grand final or Swan Lake, the choice is impossible. So you do nothing.In Dubbo you can go watch Wez play the guitar at the Garden Hotel on a Saturday night and that’s it, and you know what? That’s great because you appreciate it for what it is, it’s not Wez vs Disney on Ice or Wez vs The Largest roller coaster in the southern hemisphere. It’s just Wez, you and the rest of Dubbo. It’s great.

8. Housing Prices. If you haven’t noticed, housing prices in the big cities are so expensive that you actually have to have a job to live there. In Dubbo you can afford to purchase a 3 bedroom house, if you or your significant other are receiving at least one government payment. Those of you who are lucky enough to be on a disability pension will be able to buy something with enough room to pop out a few extra kids, which can be a great little money spinner.

Conclusion: The fact is, if you’re not happy now, you probably won’t be any happier in Dubbo. Why? Because happiness comes from appreciating where you are and not where you could be. That said you’ve got an 82% better chance of surviving the apocalypse. It’s your civic duty to share this article, the lives of millions are at stake.

Ricky Browne