Humpty - Chapter 1 - Make PDF

• Chapter 1
• He shrugged slightly to the left of his breezy summer jacket. Just keep it cool, keep it edgy, and sweet, he thought. Before checking in his pocket to ensure he brought the pumpkin-spice-flavoured condoms. Edgy, he thought. Really edgy. He edgily waited for Mary-Lou Sunshine to come around the corner and see him sitting with his summer jacket. Sweet, he thought.
• That moment Jason Needlekirk came from the bushes, “Hi Humpty.” “Hey, Jason Needlekirk, comic books are shit, so don’t talk about them around the other guys if I’m around because my uncle reads comics and he’s a man-child, couldn’t get laid if his mum was a leghorn!” Needlekirk sighed, “Humpty, comics aren’t just kid's books, they’re rich stories and one guy shoots lightning bolts out his hands!” “Out his hands, wow, that is edgy. Anyway, keep out of the bushes ya perv.” “Will do, Humpty. Love your summer jacket, very edgy, catch ya, Humpty!” Then Needlekirk walked back into the bushes.
• Mary Lou came skipping around the corner while sipping on a 600 mil Pepsi with the label ripped off the bottle of Pepsi she was sipping on. “Nice summer jacket boiiiii!” “Hey, Girrrrrl!” “Humpty, are you coming onto me?” “Mary Lou, cool your roasters, I ain’t some titty watcher, I don’t watch titties.” “You seem like a titty watcher to me, Humpty. You probs brought a franger.” “What’s a franger? I didn’t bring no franger.” “Franger is ocker slang for a willy sock. You know a condom!” “This Ocker bloke sounds like a cock-rocket, what’s he your boyfriend?” “Don’t be like that, Humpty. I like titty watchers and you can’t tell me you’re not some jacked-up titty watcher!” “Yeah, I spose!” “But I only brought condoms in case your mum said to use protection from AIDS, and Hep C and that other one with the pus and the scabs”
• Mary Lou was sitting outside the coffee plaza deli cafe shop next to Humpty at this stage. Humpty slowly slid his shoe over until it touched the side of Mary Lou’s shoe. A flood of chemicals rushed through both their bodies. She then pressed her shoe tight up against his Reebok Pumps. Humpty started uncontrollably convulsing as Mary Lou looked on in startled disbelief. Then Humpty yanked his chair backward and sat up straight before explaining. “I need to go to the dunny. Be back.”
• Humpty came back a minute later saying that he turned the tap on too fast and got water all over his pants. Then he sat back down. Humpty slowly slid his shoe over until it touched the side of Mary Lou’s shoe. A flood of chemicals rushed through both their bodies. She then pressed her shoe tight up against his Reebok Pump. Humpty started uncontrollably convulsing as Mary Lou looked on in startled disbelief. Then Humpty yanked his chair backward and sat up straight before explaining. “I need to go to the dunny again. Be back.”
• Humpty came back and sat down, “I’ve got Bali-belly!” “When did you go to Bali?” “Never why?” “Because you said you got Bali-belly.” “Oh, do you need to go to Bali to get Bali-belly? I must have a different type of belly. Anyway, did you know that peeling labels off your drinks means you’re sexually frustrated!” “Who told you that?” “My brother’s dad.” “Isn’t your brother’s dad your dad?” “Na 'cause he’s just my half-brother. That’s why he’s black!” “Oh, I wondered that. Anyway, I’m not sexually frustrated. I watch ‘50 Shades’ and get off when mum gets too drunk and falls asleep in the bath.” “Isn’t it dangerous to fall asleep in the bath?” “Na, I go in and top up the hot water!”
• They shared a long white frappa cappa flippa dippa thick-shake, two straws in the one glass. “Did you know it’s illegal to use straws these days?” said Humpty. “That’s just a conspiracy made up by ‘Big Science’ to get people to trust turtles. Do you really think turtles put straws up their noses? No, ‘Big Science’ puts them up there! ‘Big Science’ is in league with ‘Big Nature’. They bit the apple! its common knowledge.” Humpy takes a sip on the long white frappa cappa flippa dippa thick-shake, then proclaims, “You sure do know a lot, Mary Lou! You should become a psychic and read people’s palms for money. People need to know how they’re going to die so they can put their affairs in order.” “Yeah, but that stuff takes years of learning and ancient wisdom, and you have to be chosen by God. And I kicked my dog when he shit on my copy of New Idea, the one with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, so God’s probably not going to choose me for access to mystical powers. Anyway, God’s an arsehole. Kids in Africa get less than a dollar a day for the tuck shop, and pies probably cost around $2.80. It’s a tragedy, Humpty.”
• They talked and talked and talked. About the budget deficit. How you can cover the moon with your thumb. How you can tell a midget by their stubby fingers. How 5G is going to make all the birds fly the wrong way. How women are becoming more respected and powerful due to climate change melting the ice caps, releasing hydrocarbons into the atmosphere. Which in turn is depleting the ozone layer allowing the feminine spectrum of light to penetrate the atmosphere making women more powerful and respected by men who are becoming more understanding because of more levels of feminine Vitamin D!”
• Then Humpty stopped talking, his shoulders slumped. He put his head down and put his hands up to his face. “What's wrong Humpty?” Said Mary Lou, “Is it your Bali-belly?” “No.” Said Humpty. "I was thinking about how you said I was some sort of jacked-up titty watcher. You know what, Mary Lou? I asked you out because you’re always talking about cocks and stuff, so I just wanted to lift your shirt and look at your bra. But talking to you now, I’ve realised you’re not some sort of dumb bitch that’s asking for a good banging. You’re so much more than that! You’ve opened my eyes to women’s rights. I’m part of the problem!” Then Humpty took the pumpkin spice condoms out of his pocket and threw them on the ground. I am a titty watcher, a jacked-up titty watcher! But you make me a better man, Mary Lou. Mary Lou, will you marry me?”
• “Settle down Humpty, I’m polyamorous. I’m here because you are a jacked-up titty watcher and that’s what I love about you. Your right arm’s far more well-defined and bulkier than your left. You look like a soldier crab, you big hunk. Would you like me to pull you off under the table?” She uttered as she slipped a finger into his mouth. Humpty started uncontrollably convulsing as Mary Lou looked on in startled disbelief. Then Humpty yanked his chair backward and sat up straight, exclaiming, “I have to go! I’m serious Mary Lou, I’m a changed man, you deserve better than some jacked-up titty watcher, I love you Mary Lou Sunshine!” He yelled as he rushed off.
• Mary Lou sat there in a fluster. Then she calmed herself and whispered under her breath, “Maybe I do deserve better than some jacked-up titty watcher.” Then she looked down and noticed Humpty had left his summer jacket hanging on the back of the chair where he was sitting before he had rushed off. Curious, she thought. Maybe he left some clues to the mystery of why Humpty ran off in his pockets. In one pocket she found a printout that laid out how to stimulate the female G spot. And in the other pocket, she was surprised to find 50 to 100 little cut-outs of female vaginas including flaps and pubic hair of different colours, open vaginas, shaved vaginas, you name it. They were all cut out from dirty magazines. Curiouser and curiouser, she thought, these might be the clues to solving the unsolved mystery of why Humpty had run off before getting a free handy.
• As Mary was sitting there going down different rabbit holes in her mind, trying to piece together all the clues about why Humpty ran off before receiving one of her patented hand jobs under the table. Jason Needlekirk came out from behind the bushes. “Oh hi, Jason Needledick, what’s your favourite superhero?” “Well, if you’re interested in a strong female character you can’t go past ‘Washer Woman’, she can get stains out of anything, and she has these huge titties and wears outfits so tight that when she bends down to put in another load, you can see what she had for breakfast! But that’s beside the point. Don’t call me Needledick, I have girth, serious real manly girth!” “Sorry, Jason, you’re right about everything. I know when I was in year four I needed to go to the toilet, but the teacher wouldn’t let me, so I ended up shitting my pants. After that everyone called me stinky. That’s why I changed schools. That’s terrible, Mary Lou. That probably explains the way you act the way you do. Do you want to hug gorgeous?” “Back off Needledick!, And keep out of the bushes, ya perv.” “No, you’re right. Sorry, Mary Lou, maybe another time when you’re feeling more vulnerable." He said bye and walked back into the bushes.
• Mary Lou drank the last of their long white frappa cappa flippa dippa thick-shake. She hopped up and started walking home. She soon noticed that she was soaked. She giggled and said, “Humpty, no one had got me that wet without giving me a tickle.” Maybe it is love. Maybe marrying Humpty wouldn’t be such a bad idea, shed been around, and maybe it was time to settle down and be a one-man woman. Pumpkin-spiced condoms, she chuckled, very edgy. She walked all the way home in Humpty’s summer jacket. These things are great, she thought, protection from the sun, but light, airy and breathable enough to keep you cool even in the toughest conditions.
• Chapter 2
• Humpty sprinted all the way home, not looking back, like he was being chased by a big green monster. That green monster was his conscience mulling over the fact that he always called women bitches and hoes in the past. He made a decision there and then not to listen to any more gangster rap.
• When he got home, his dad, that wasn’t his real dad, was sitting with his half-brother who was black and this guy they called Dapper Dippy. Dapper Dippy had good street skills like no other. He knew raps and break-dance and had a pit bull named ‘Killer T’ who was said to have mangled three drug dealers that didn’t pay their dues to the ‘Knife Gang’. Dapper Dippy was the knife gang's third-highest member, so you could say he was pretty tall, but not Shawn Bradley or Hakeem Olajuwon tall. He was called Dapper Dippy because he was always dressed well and his last name was Dippiodomanicoco.
• Loud music was playing, it was the song ‘Take a bitch from behind' by the group ‘Killers in the hood’. It was one of Humpty's favourites. He went and turned it off. “Why’d ya do that?” Said his stepdad. “Because it’s disrespectful to women.” Said Humpty. All three of the blokes at the table started chuckling. “Disrespectful to women!” said his black half-brother in a retarded voice. It turned into full-blown laughter. His black half-brother kept repeating the same line, “Disrespectful to women!” Dapper Dippy was struggling to breathe at this stage, and his dad was slapping the table. Humpty yelled over the top of the laughter, “You’re all a bunch of chauvinist pigs!” which just made them all crack up even more. Dapper Dippy had turned purple and was holding his side, while his stepdad continued to bang on the table laughing uncontrollably. His black half-brother said in his retarded voice, “You guys are all a bunch of saxophonists!” The raucous laughter continued. Humpty threw up his middle finger and cut a B-Line for his bedroom.
• He woke up three hours later having dreamt about the three guys at the table staring and pointing at him, all yelling, “titty watcher, titty watcher!” He rubbed his eyes and lay there wondering why Dapper Dippy had been over at their house. He hadn’t seen him since his mum’s funeral.
• Hey lay on his bed, he could still hear laughing through the wall. He heard one of them shout “fag.” Followed by more laughter. He started to sob before his mind turned to Mary Lou. A short moment later, he started beating off to the fantasy of her lifting up her shirt and showing her bra. He imagined her in a range of bras all the time repeating the words in his head. You’re a jacked-up titty watcher, you’re a jacked-up titty watcher! He soon blew his load into a jar he kept under the bed. He’d only been filling the jar for two months but had already filled it three-quarters full. He soon drifted off to sleep.
• His black half-brother walked in. “hey dickhead, how’d you go with Mary Lou? Did you get your end in boiiiii?” “It’s not like that man, she’s different!” “How do you know?” said his black half-brother. “Well, put it this way, I had a wank and still wanted to be around her afterwards” “Woo, little brova's got feeeeelings!” “Alright tough guy, don’t you think you’ve been shitty arseing me enough today, that shit out there gave me bad dreams!” “Chill bro, we were just havin’ a laugh, it broke the tension from some serious shit! I get you anyway bro, you're growin' up, Humpty. We aren’t like the old generation. They’re all titty watchers. Times have changed, and you are too.” “Thanks, bro, what was the tension? Why was Dapper Dippy here?
• “Dapper had heard you’d been spittin’ sweet rhymes with some of the knife gang's younger members and their kids. They want to recruit you to the gang so they can have the best team for the big rap contest.” “Oh fuckitty, I don’t wanna join no knife gang, what did dad say?” “He bought you a year until you finish high school!” “Brought them how?” “He offered Dapper and his gang $4000. It was all the money he had.” “Fuck, fuck, fuck! What was I thinking, spittin’ sweet raps around those clunk heads, fuck, fuckitty, fuck.” “Calm down dad’s got a plan!” Just then his step-dad yells, “dinners on fuckers!”