Ricky's One Liners

• Categorised
  • Poos, Wees, Farts (Sort & Redo)
    • Rules of Brown Club 1. If a member shits themselves all members must be pitch in to help cover it up. All members must keep silent about the issue or they become excommunicado. 2. Always carry a spare pair of undies and pants.
    • WIPE A BOOGER UNDER THE SEAT! HAVE GOOD LUCK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.
    • IMAGINE IF YOU HAD OCD. AND YOU GOT A BIT OF POOP ON YOUR FINGER!
    • THE NEXT BIG THING IS NAPPY NAPPIES. - ARE YOU PAYING A FORTUNE FOR DISPOSABLE NAPPIES? KEEP THEM CLEAN AND DRY WITH NAPPY NAPPIES...
    • IS SWEATY BALLS A CONDITION?
    • When you're squeezing out a toilet sausage and grandma bursts in and asks you to taste her lemon curd.
    • Isn't it funny - Gooba is Australian for golly , loogie is american for gooba, golly is english for flehm, and flehm is flehmish for dairy cow.
    • When your fart resonates at a gamma frequency and you for that moment are privy to all the hidden truths in the universe. True story, happened last Wednesday.
    • Do swimmers shave their ball sacks?
    • Ever take a dump on the bus just to prove a point
    • If you keep your penis clean, you don't have to wash your hands after a piddle
    • Filter your urines and save on hefty water bills
    • BY UNDERWEAR WITH MORE TESTICLE SUPPORT
    • IT’S GETTING HARDER TO TAKE A DUMP IN THE STREET THESE DAYS
    • WHEN YOU FART AND SAY, “THAT’S A SPICY MEATBALL”.
    • I subscribe to Flurfies law - People always turn up just after you've farted.
    • I COULD HAVE SWORN I HADN’T EATEN ANY CORN LATELY
    • Browne Sciences new load holding nappies can hold three full feCes loads guaranteed.  Or your money back.
    • When the last thing you use soap on is your asshole every morning and your wife has no idea why she keeps getting pink eye
    • Never forget to love with all your fart, from the bottom of your fart. Fart face, fart arse.
    • When you shit yourself and the seagulls start to flock looking for a feed of brown
    • tag someone who does big poo's that don't flush
    • Wipe a booger under the seat, have good luck for the rest of the week. My biggest bugbear is a tardegrade named Randy
    • If you don't shit yourself before breakfast are you even living
    • Would you consider poo and wee jokes lowbrow, or more middlebrow?
    • Ever shit yourself in the supermarket and throw your undies in the fridge behind the cheese's so nobody finds out?
    • i think i might be psychic, i once predicted id shit myself 15 seconds before it happened
    • Question what is Falls favourite food Darryl Lea chocolate or poop. The answer is poop
    • The wife must have had the kids from next door over, I have a brown texta marking towel
    • How much does it cost to get your butthole bleached? I've been using whitening toothpaste, but it's a bit too minty fresh
    • The staff at the hotel were rather rude. where else was I supposed to shit? in the toilet!
    • THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR GOOD OLD FASHIONEDPISS FARTING ABOUT!
    • WHEN YOU FART SO HARD YOU FEEL THE BREEZE ON THE BACK OF YOUR ANKLES.
    • I just write about what I know! Poo and sometimes farts.
    • You have not lived til you have shit yourself in 35 degree heat on a  bus full of people
    • Every time I use binaural beats I shit myself, what's that about?
    • What is your problem said michael. Mind your own business neville. you've shit shit yourself havent you. no don't be ridiculus and mind your business. I can smell it michael. you should go home. ok then, i will go home but I havent shit myself so mind your own business.
    • You even scratch your ass because it's real itchy, then you go to smell your finger to see if it left residue, and then remember your second in line for the new iPhone.
    • All of us are pissing in the wind, but some of us are wise enough to change our direction, even if people can see your doodle.
    • Have you felt toilet paper lately, it seems a waste to use it on your arehole, I feel i should be making skarves out of it.
    • I'm not sure if there might be something wrong with me, my farts are putrid.
    • Men are so gross. They only learn how to wash their hands after they turn thirty-five.
    • I've got overactive cheese glands, the amount of smegma around my genital area is so great I can scrape off and by the afternoon there is enough to culture fifty Petri dishes.
    • Ever drink your own piss, it's not too bad. I'd give it a three out of five, although it's no Gatorade.
    • Sometimes when I've got a smelly bottom, I just disguise it with special magic. That's the name of my new cologne.
    • People call me an animal, but I shit in the shower like everyone else.
    • I often stay up at night and ponder questions like; what if water was brown? Because of course then you wouldn't be able to tell if there was a bit of shit mixed in with it.
    • What really gets on my goat is when I need to take a shit after having a shower. I just washed back there.
    • As my uncle used to say, "Sometimes you have to fart a few times before the shit comes out," and I live by that.
    • Home is where the fart is!
    • Every fart is a risk. You can never truly ever be a hundred percent certain you ain't gonna addle yourself. It happened to me in front of renowned composer John Williams. He did the soundtrack for Jaws by the way.
    • Sometimes I get up and go for a shit and I have this belief that I have two arseholes, and then I realise I only have one, it's a blowout.
    • Me and my husband are doing the whole calories in, calories out thing. I've gotten down to only three poo's a week. Which is great. I generally have a couple of cheat poo's I don't tell my husband about though.
    • I've got these pills that make you shit out of your arse. But I don't need them because I shit out my arse anyway.
    • I wrote a book called 'Where to hide your shitty undies.' It's a best seller in the age 6 to 12 market and also does well in the 75 to 100 demographic. It's a big hit in nursing homes.
    • Once I get my patent on my testicle wash, Johnson and Johnson won't be able to steal my idea and I'll corner the market on testicle washers. My uncle knows someone who knows about patents. I just want to get the formula right first.
    • Back in my day we'd shit in a bucket and put it around the cabbages.
    • The world has either gone nuts lately, or the internet has exposed how nutty people actually are. A girl videoed herself taking a shit and uploaded it to Facebook. I don't know whether it was supposed to be some sort of avant-garde art or some type of cringe comedy. Either way, it's a worrying sign of things to come.
    • I used to take my coffee orally, then I found out about the wonders of the coffee enema and I haven't looked back.
    • Like Mum always said, "Go wash that stinky arsehole".  And so we do!  And so we do!
    • If you accidentally drop a piece of shit in the dish you are preparing, add a bit of lime. It pairs well.
    • If you want people to smell your farts, just say can you smell something burning?
    • More kids would learn to read, if there were more kid's books about farts.
    • EVER SHIT YOURSELF IN THE SUPERMARKET AND THROW YOUR SHITTY UNDIES BEHIND THE TWO-LITRE MILKS IN THE FRIDGE SO NOBODY FINDS OUT?
    • THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GO INTO HARVEY NORMAN AND ASK THE GUYS ON THE FLOOR TO SAMPLE THEIR STOOLS. THOSE TWISTEDBASTARDS!
    • WHEN YOU TAKE A SHIT ON THE PLANE AND YOUR GUTS GET SUCKED OUT YOUR ARSEHOLE.
    • EVER TRY TO SQUEEZE OUT A HARD ONE AND ONE OF YOUR EYEBALLS POPS OUT OF ITS SOCKET?
    • !!!Attention!!!A LOT OF YOUNG COUPLES WITHHOLD THEIR FARTS FROM EACH OTHER EARLY ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE STOP HIDING WHO YOU ARE. IT'S FAR BETTER TO FIND OUT IF YOUR SMELLS ARE INCOMPATIBLE EARLY ON, RATHER THAN WAITING UNTIL YOU'VE MOVED IN TOGETHER AND HAD A COUPLE OF KIDS.THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
    • WHEN YOU DO A MASSIVE FART AND YOUR WOODEN LEG FALLS OFF. THENYOU REALISE YOU DON'T HAVE A WOODEN LEG!
    • IF YOU DO A BLACK POO, DON'T ASSUME YOU'VE BEEN POSSESSEDBY AN EVIL SPIRIT. YOU JUST PROBABLY ATE SOME LICORICE OR YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM INTERNAL BLEEDING, SO CHIN UP!
    • I THINK I MIGHT BE PSYCHIC, I ONCE PREDICTED I'D SHIT MYSELF FIFTEEN SECONDS BEFORE IT HAPPENED!
    • I SHIT MYSELF AT MCDONALD'S AND DIALLED TRIPLE ZERO. IN HINDSIGHT I WISH I HAD RUN TO THE CAR AND DRIVEN MYSELF HOME RATHER THAN BRING THAT SORT OF ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
    • BEFORE TOILETS, PEOPLE USED TO SHIT IN A BUCKET IN THE CORNER OF THEIR CAVE
    • I wonder if aliens think we lay long brown eggs into white porcelain nests!
    • I need a toilet that can weigh my shit! So l can do the whole calories in, calories out thing.
    • THE BEST FARTSARE THE ONES THATRING OUT FOR 4 TO 5MINUTES AND HAVEA ORANGEY ZESTTO THEM.
    • why do flies always gather round the back of Dad's shorts?
    • I JUST WRITE ABOUT WHAT I KNOW! POOS ANDSOMETIMES FARTS.
    • QUICK POLLWHICH IS MORE ENJOYABLE?POOS OR WEES?
    • PEOPLE IN THE INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS OF FARTS CLUB ARE SOME OF THE KINDEST MOST DOWN TO EARTH PEOPLE I KNOW!
    • ALWAYS CLEAN YOUR BOTTOM TWICE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MISS A BIT OF POOP!
    • WHEN YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN YOUR CRACK TO SMELL IT AND SEE IF IT'S A SHOWER DAY AND YOUR BOSS SEES YOU AND SAYS, "YOU'RE ON CLEANING DUTIES FOR THE NEXT WEEK AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE BURGERS UNTIL YOU FIX YOUR HYGIENE PROBLEM!" SO YOU TELL HIM IT'S JUST BECAUSE THE SHOWER IS BROKEN AT MUMS HOUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN STAYING AT DAD'S.
    • HEY MAN, CAN YOU DO ME A SOLID? NO WORRIES MANI'VE GOT ONE PREPARED,HOLD OUT YOUR HAND. DUDEIS THAT FECES!
    • DO YOU SUFFER FROM STANKIN' ARSEHOLE? NINE IN TEN PEOPLE WILL OVERTHEIR LIFETIME. SAY GOODBYE TO STANKIN'ARSEHOLE WITH THE ALL-NEW STANKARSE FIBRE FIT PRO WITHBUILT-IN RING WASH TECHNOLOGY.BUT TODAY WE HAVE ASPECIAL OFFER FOR THE READERS,IF YOU BUY ONE STANK ARSE FIBREFIT PRO. WE WILL THROWIN A STANK ARSE FIBRE FIT PRO JNR FORTHE KIDS. JUST PAY THE ADDITIONALPOSTAGE AND HANDLING.BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, IF YOU REONE OF THE FIRST FIVEHUNDRED CALLERS YOU LL RECEIVEA FREE SOILED NAPPY IN THECOLOUR OF YOUR CHOICE. DON T MISSOUT. CALL 1800 STANKYBUTT TODAY.
    • If your finger ever breaks through the toilet paper and gets a bit of poop on it. Your best bet is to cut off that finger and flush it down the toilet with your poop. It's really your only responsible option!
    • Ever hear your wife go number one's and think, she could probably put out a house-fire with that stream.
    • FYI: Your first-ever shit is called the 'Meconium,' and it smells like the devil's nutsack.
    • Play the poo game! 12 points for a hardy, 30 points for a floater, 17 points for a soft-serve, 26 points for a liquid lunch, 28 points for a 12 incher and 16 points for pellets. Get the family involved. The person with the highest score at the end of the week gets a Chocito Bar.
    • There once was a man from NantucketWho'd take all his shits in a bucketWhen it got oldIt got covered in mouldAnd when it got fullHe would chuck it
    • Burps are just farts that went through the wrong tube!
    • Dad always says, "The dog did it!" But scruffy died two years ago!
    • when you shit yourself just for the fun of it. Then you realise mums not around to clean up your messes anymore!
    • Protip: Eat glitter to make your poos sparkly!
    • I could have sworn I hadn't eaten any corn!
    • If you eat a good diet of vegetables and nuts, you can cut down on toilet paper by snapping your turds off clean and not wiping.
    • NEVER FORGET TO LOVE WITH ALL YOUR FART, FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FART.
    • THE STAFF AT THE HOTEL WERE RATHER RUDE. WHERE ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SHIT? IN THE TOILET!
    • I SHIT MYSELF AT MCDONALD'S AND DIALLED TRIPLE ZERO. IN HINDSIGHTI WISH I HAD RUN TO THE CAR AND DROVE MYSELF HOME RATHER THAN BRING THAT SORT OF ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
    • IF YOU LEAN OVER TO DO A FART IN A RESTAURANT, BUT DON'T, BUT PEOPLE SEE YOU LEAN OVER, THEN SAY "GROSS!" BUT YOU DIDN'T! WHO IS IN THE RIGHT?
    • I SHIT MYSELF ON THE BUS AND PEOPLE MOVED AWAY FROM ME. PEOPLE ARE SO RUDE.  PITCH IN AND HELP ME CLEAN THIS MESS UP!
    • When you do your first bog of the morning and instantly feel lighter on your feet and ready for what the day throws at you.
    • When you've jogged two kilometres home to take care of an oncoming shit and you see your front door, so your body thinks it's a good time to go into load release mode.
    • Try the fart game. Get the family gathered around and let a ripe one off and see if they can tell what you've had for lunch. PROTIP: Get the kids involved early in order for them to develop their olfactory senses.
    • WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR HAND OUT AT THE CEREMONY AND YOUR WIFEGRABS YOUR FINGER TO PUT THE RING ON IT AND YOU LET ONE RIP AND  SAY, “IT'S A HAIR-TRIGGER!"
    • WHATEVER YOU DO. DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR ARSE.
    • PULL MY FINGER!
    • Thank you God, that you made farts invisible.Amen!
    • BEAR GRYLLS SHOULD TAKE IT TO THE NEXt LEVEL AND TAKE A DUMPON CAMERA, THEN PULL OUT HIS SURVIVAL SPORK AND GO TO TOWN!
    • FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOU WET THE BED AND NOT SOMEONE WHO WILL GO ROUND TELLING EVERYBODY!
    • If your mum shit herself, would you hide her shitty dacks for her?
    • CAN ANYBODY REMEMBER THE WORDS TO “THE DIRTY TOILET SONG?” THE BIT WHERE IT GOES, "DA DA DA DA DAA DA DA DA DAA DA DA."
    • THE WIFE MUST HAVE LET THE KIDS FROM NEXT DOOR COME OVER. I HAVE A BROWN TEXTA MARK ON MY TOWEL.
    • I'M WORKING ON A NEW PERIOD PIECE. THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD INVOLVED!
    • YOU EVER SHIT YOURSELF IN THE SUPERMARKET AND THROW YOUR UNDIES IN THE FRIDGE BEHIND THE CHEESES SO NOBODY FINDS OUT?
    • Milk, Milk, Lemonade
    • QUICK POLL: WHAT IS MORE ENJOYABLE: POO'S OR WEE'S?
    • WHEN YOU DO A CRAPSO BIG YOU PETITION ASTATE FUNERAL
    • I FARTED ON A BUS AND EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I'D POISONED THE AIR. ENJOY THE AROMA, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. I AM!
    • IT'S BETTER TO LOOKBACK ON LIFE AND SAY: "CAN'T BELIEVEI DID THAT!” THAN TO LOOKBACK AND SAY: “IWISH I DID THAT!”Well, really It depends what it is youdid. Shitting my pants was notsomethingI'm particularly proud of, but it seemedlike the best action to take at thetime. Looking back I should havetaken a shit in sporting goods behindthe rowing machine.
    • I ONLY TRUST PEOPLE WHO HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES AT LEAST ONCE IN PUBLIC. COMING THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE THESE PEOPLE GROW TO BE MORE COMPASSIONATE, DOWN TO EARTH INDIVIDUALS WHO KNOW THE TRAUMA FIRST HAND.
    • I only trust people who have shit themselves at least once in public. These people through the experience have grown and are more compassionate, down to earth individuals who know the trauma first hand.
    • Time for a bog song. While you're having a dump, make up a bog song. It's easy! Just describe the experience then put it into song. You can make up your own melody or choose a melody from one of your favourite non-bog related songs. Protip: This is great for drowning out sounds you don't want your dinner guests to hear.
    • Some people do one large poo every day. I like to portion mine out over four or five sittings.
    • Ever work in an office where the toilet was right next to everyone's desks, so you have to walk three blocks to the nearest public toilets so your colleagues couldn't hear you blow ass.
    • Do you have a UAI?Symptoms of 'Ultra Itchy Arsehole' include an itchy ring hole, scratching your ring hole, redness around the ring hole area, the urge to scratch your ring hole even though you're at a fancy restaurant, and smelly fingers.
    • ProTip: Poos won't flush? Put a stick beside the toilet to break your loaf into smaller more flushable pieces!
    • Farts bring family together
    • when you fart so loud the neighbours call the cops
    • Hold on, I need a shit!
  • Ya Winnin'?
    • The truth is I've got bogan blood running through my veins. I'm a carrier. My sister and two of her kids were hit particularly hard, as their bogan genes were dominant. There's really not much we can do for them. Besides buying them some devon every now and again.
    • First, it was Brisvegas. Then it was Brisneyland. What's next, Bristanbul?
    • I miss the good old days when potatoes came in hessian bags.
    • I miss mercantile mutual
    • What were Rafferties rules
    • AS FAR AS PELICANS GO, MR PERCIBLE WÁS UP THERE!
    • Have you ever had a dream so real you turned it into a book and that book becomes a bestseller?  Then you realise your dream was based on a foreign film you saw on SBS as a kid that you stayed up to watch so you could see some boobs? Nah, me neither.
    • WHAT’S JOHNATHON THURSTON’S LAST NAME?
    • I can't prove Darryl Sommers stole my watermelons, but if anyone was going to steal a watermelon it would be Darryl Sommers, the guy off Hey Hey.  My fucking watermelon.
    • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs. Touch, my arse.
    • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little twisties out of bigger twistees. I have around eight hundred minature twistees in my collection. I'd have more but sometimes I get a little peckish.
    • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
    • Pissing on a jellyfish works the same way as putting salt on a slug.
    • One day I hope to be a professional at something, maybe surfing. Who knows? Surfing's definitely an option, but I'm scared of bottle brushes.
    • Surfing is life. I live 400 kilometres from the nearest beach. I have no life.
    • First, it was Bris vegas. Then it was Brisneyland. What's next, Bristanbul?
    • This whole Australian of the year thing stinks of a cover-up. What's really going on?
    • The bush is a harsh place. There's no roof, or taps, or fridges. As a bushman myself, I'd say the bush is not only very dangerous but quite boring. And the food is awful. Have you ever eaten a bush fig? It's all skin and seeds. When I go on a trek into the bush, I can't wait to get back to town. You know, sit underneath the air-con and eat a hot pie. That's living. I'm thinking of getting a job at Woolies. Fuck the bush!
    • Steve Irwin is like a father to me. He gave me the courage to wrestle crocodiles. That's how I lost the arm.
    • I have the worst lawn on the street, and let me tell you it's not the best street, every year or so I get stuck in and clean up the yard. I keep it tidy for a while. Then I get cocky. I start judging people with unkempt gardens, feeling superior knowing I'm doing my bit for the neighbourhood. That's why when I inevitably give up, I don't mind having a bad lawn, it's good for street morale, they can look over at my house and feel smug and superior just like I do when I'm playing the status game of caring what people think.
    • I knew a bloke who would walk barefoot on catheads. Not the type of guy you wanna fuck with. But that didn't stop Stephen. May he rest in peace.
    • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs: touch my arse.
    • Elon musk is going to Mars and I'm going to the petrol station to buy smokes. Everyone has their thing.
    • The truth is, I've got bogan blood running through my veins. I'm a carrier. My sister and two of her kids were hit particularly hard, as their bogan genes were dominant. There's really not much we can do for them, besides buying them some devon every now and again.
    • I once went to a big party as Henry the octopus. Apparently, 'dress fancy' and 'fancy dress' are two different things. So here's everyone else in their gowns and tailored suits and here's me in an octopus costume. Anyway, we had the ceremony, and I got married.
    • I do not care if my ex-wife marries a man of good standing. Just a man with a decent heart will suffice. She really needs it after the shit I pulled because of my at the time untreated meth issues.
    • My wife was the breast. I mean best.
    • She was a lone feather is like a caterpillar without a leaf except the other way round.
    • My wife was like the sandwich I never had.
    • You ever get so invovled in eating your sandwich, you take a bite that includes one of your fingers.
    • She was the most beautiful creature on earth, who cares if she couldn’t cook a pavlova. That's a line from David Shoestrum's Eat, Pray, Fuck.
    • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little Twisties out of bigger Twisties. I have around eight hundred miniature Twisties in my collection. I'd have more, but sometimes I get a little peckish.
    • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come?
    • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a Thermomix!
    • I've recently gotten into bland food, nothing makes you feel healthier and lighter on your feet, than a vegetable not smothered in gravy. I mean, I love rich hearty food, and I make a lot of it. But now I'm getting older and fatter than two Asian people tied together, I have to think about my health. So when my wife gave me meat and vegetables that were fucking steamed, I thought this is pretty good, maybe I don't need four heaped tablespoons of bechamel powder and a big squirt of honey mixed with water in an oversized mug to make the meal palatable.
    • You ever had a blocked nose while being so hungry that you're devouring a pack of Doritos by the handful and you start to suffocate, or worse, you take a big breath in and get a heap of Dorito fragments stuck in your lung?
    • Daryl Braithwaite sang other songs that weren't about horses.
  • I AM VERY SMART (Ready)
    • A HAIKU ON POETRY: POETRY IS LIKE MUSIC BUT, YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SING OR PERFORM IN A BAND
    • I was talking to this old duck and used a few big words she must not have understood. I wasn't being verbose, the words were just correct for what I was trying to explain. So the old duck said, "That's very planatrifical, that's a big word isn't it?". Old duck thought I was making words up because she never heard them before.
    •  I'm going to write a detective novel about a guy called dickshits. A name like that is fodder for a lot of funny conversations like "Did you just say your name was dickshits or did you just say you've got shit on your dick." The laughs are endless. But in general it's going to be a serious take on solving crime which will be an allegory to the current education system, highlighting all it's flaws. But I'll draw people in with the dickshits thing.
    • I'm reading Kevin Anderson's 'Road to Nowhere'. The book has me lost.
    • Tony Piccolo is the villain in my novel, but also the victim. When I decided to become a novelist, it was because I wanted to depict complex characters like myself. Tony has an eyepatch which signifies his villainous motives and his catchphrase is death comes to all who cross my path, and that lets people know about his inner turmoil and how he's not mucking about. he was bullied as a kid because he had one of those funny eyes that doesn't look at you and that's where his rage comes from and the story unfolds from there. I've written the first two chapters it's taken me four years because setting everything up was the hard part. it should just write itself at this point
    • Have you ever had a dream so real you turned it into a book and that book becomes a bestseller? Then you realise your dream was based on a foreign film you saw on SBS as a kid that you stayed up to watch so you could see some boobs? Nah, me neither.
    • I'm writing about a fisherman stuck in the wilderness away from any fishable bodies of water and he has to survive. It's called a fisherman out of water and is an alegory for the inequalities in our legal system.
    • in my book, Kernaghan's Way, I write this funny story about how the men are walking through a tunnel and one of them says there is light at the end of the tunnel and the other guy says look out it's a train, I love that bit
    • I love the writing process. Bringing words to life. Here is a line from my latest detective novel. "He hurriedly walked to the toilet while keeping his butt cheeks tightly bonded together like two love birds. His belly was erupting like Mount Vesuvius. A cataclysm was about to take place. It was an intense minute that felt like forty seconds. Would he cut the right wire or would his pants explode in the mall in front of all the innocent bystanders? Red wire, blue wire. Red wired, blue wire." I love that part, the use of words makes it so visceral.
    • You can't possibly know all the hurt in my heart but you can certainly read about it in my new book: The hurt in My Heart.
    • I stared at the blank screen for four days and then it came to me, pigeons, I'll write a book about pigeons. It wasn't till a few hours later I came to the realisation I knew little of the bird and its ways.
    • the best thing about writing fiction is you can make your enemies in real life the bad guys in your stories
    • Writing is for douchebags who can't say it to your face
    • Words are cheap, I picked up a pack of twenty-four for five dollars yesterday.
    • Writing prose is like drinking a fine wine. Sometimes you fart out your arse.
    • begin with the thing that haunts you the game with the thing that brings you most Joy begin with the truth begin with the funniest story or the deepest wound just begin
    • Ideas for new projects are dangerous. They can be so enticing that they threaten the completion of your existing projects.
    • Sometimes the words flow, sometimes it's a trickle.
    • Sometimes I wish I'd just get sent to prison, so I can have more time to write.
    • I sit in wait for the words to come. When they do I must snatch them out of the air before they escape.
    • I've really been struggling to write lately. I'm not angry at anyone.
    • I don't write, I make lists. I have lists up the wazoo. I have a list of books I want to write, and each book contains a list of topics. None of those topics have been extrapolated into sentences, that's beyond me. I'm a glorified list maker.
    • As a writer sometimes I think I would have been better off doing finger painting.
    • I'm doing what I was born to do. Writing nonsense and being bitterly disapointed by it.
    • I give up...I'm a fucking loser... Dead set fucking loser cunt... Arshole...Brainless...Featherbrain... Choko eater...
  • Left field
    • I'm very cultured for a guy who's lived his whole life in a Petri dish.
    • I'm good a counting cards. There's fifty-two, not including the jokers.
    • One day I'm gonna win a Nobel prize, just got to think of somthing clever.
    • People don't remember Timmy Peppernil like I do. He was the O.G. before Ultimate Frisbee was cool.
    • The mood at the funeral was pretty somber. I think they needed some more upbeat music.
    • People don't give sticks enough credit.
    • Twenty-seven years ago my leg fell off. I'm not about to let that happen again.
    • French joke: Jabristios is jargon for Sellafacetious.
    • Fuck Formula One, I race potatoes in Formula Twelve.
    • Did you know that there are more stars in the sky than there are Skittles in one of those really large packs of Skittles?
    • My heart is filled with trifle. The trifle of love. It's in my heart. Custard, cake, jelly, and whatever else goes into trifles. That is what is in my heart.
    • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he lived down that way somewhere I spose. Who knows, it's a chicken.
    • He said, "Chumly bring me my pants. I'm going for a walk". Then I said, "But sir you can't walk on account of you having no legs." "Oh," he said. Then he said, "Chumly, bring me my wheelchair, you're going on a walk." That's when I snapped.
    • Everyone is trying to prove something. I'm trying to prove that the second law of thermodynamics is in fact incorrect.
    • I've got this big idea that might change the world, but I can't tell you in case you steal it and sell it to Schick or Gillette. I'll give you a hint; more blades.
    • You know what they say, "You eat enough chicken nuggets, you end up developing nugget powers."
    • The history of the banana is quite fascinating.
    • How did the blind man know the bucket was white? Because it was pale. I made that one up. How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb? I haven't thought of an ending for that one yet.
    • The flavours gone out of my life since my wife left. It used to have a kind of a fruits of the forest taste with a hint of vanilla.
    • I don't even think pickpockets exist, I think people just lose their wallets and are ready to blame someone for their own ineptitude.
    • I had a vision of a better world, one with free ice cream on every corner. I'm waiting for my next vision, maybe other stuff will be free.
    • Everyone ends up being food for the grubs, that's why I want a plastic coffin.
    • Apparently, the French knew about Pearl Harbor but kept it a secret so they could bomb Russia with the nukes. That's why the Dutch won World War IV.
    • I take notes on everything so I don't forget anything. The other day I forgot my diabetes medication. I checked back on my notes and I didn't record it. There you go! But I did record that I did a black poo. Which had me worried until I checked my notes and it turns out I ate a bag of licorice the day before. That's why I keep notes.
    • Gordon Wells owes me sixteen dollars for the cigarettes I bought him back in '98. But I'm just too scared to bring it up. I want my money but I've left it so long I feel weird asking. But it's my money.
    • Four score and seven years ago, I was minus two score and nine. Just kidding I ain't got time for math. I only know I was in a state of non-existence.
    • The hardest thing in the world is loss. I grieve the loss of my glasses. It's really hard to move forward because I can't see properly.
    • They will want to take your power and your mind. Assimilate and subordinate. I say, yeah, na, bruv. You don't hold the keys to the kingdom beyond the machine you help power.
    • My phase blaster is broken, guess I won`t be doing anymore killin' today. #powerforceunited
    • THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA WAS ONCE CALLED THE TOWER OF PISA
    • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
    • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
    • IN THE FUTURE THEY WILL be DATA MINING FOR ANCIENT GIFS
    • Is the stapler named after staples or are staples named after the stapler?
    • Fourscore and seven years ago, was 87 years ago by the way. Thank you very much.
    • The prime derivative of any sequential deviation point is the starting reference of the Euler curve. Just kidding I don't know math, did I sound clever?
    • Lying is tantamount to not telling the truth.
    • I thank the lord for every day that I have not had to lie in an infomercial about the impact, a product has had on my life.
    • "You'll never amount to anything" said Zero's mother.
    • NOTE TO SELF - THINK OF NICE THINGS TO SAY BEHIND PEOPLE'S BACKS!
    • "I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOOP, BEEP.  BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOP. BEEP BOOP BOOP. I AM A ROBOT!” - 17580075U
    • ARE YOU READY FOR MEANINGLESS DRIVEL DEVOID OF ALL SUBSTANCE!
    • I DESIGNED A TURTLE TRAP! BUT I'M KEEPING IT TO MYSELF, FOR THE SAKE OF THE TURTLES!
    • PICK A CARD ANY CARD, NOT THAT ONE DICKHEAD.
    • I WAS ONCE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! NOW I DO KNOW EVERYTHING I KNOW THAT I WAS WRONG!
    • TAKE A PICTURE IT LASTS LONGER. OKAY. CAN YOU STAND A BIT TO THE LEFT?
    • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all, that's why I carry around a box of tissues.
    • I WAS ALIVE WHEN STICKS WERE USED AS MONEY!
    • IMAGINE HAVING MAGICAL POWERS, BUT HAVING TO KEEP IT A SECRET SO OTHERS DON'T GET JEALOUS. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
    • ANYONE KNOW OF A GOOD STICK RETAILER. I'VE WORN ALL MINE DOWN TO THE NUB. I FOUND ONE UNDER A TREE ONCE, BUT LIGHTNING DOESN'T STRIKE TWICE. I'M JUST NEED A GOOD HONEST STICK PROVIDER THAT DOESN'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG.
    • Can you eat "crab apples" or are they just for the crabs?
    • I saved some money the other day. it fell in the river. poor bugger was never taught how to swim.
    • If there’s a famine all us fat bastards are going to outlive you skinny types. Bahaahaha Bahahaahaha Bahahahaa Haa
    • I GET THE FEELING THE MOON HAS A DARK SIDE
    • ALL JOKING ASIDE THAT SHIT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS
    • I just didn’t have hate in me. That’s why they hated me the most! - Julie Bertrude (Dinner at Aunt Kathryns)
    • “Sit down and shut up,” said Mary the Robot. “Sit up and shut down,” I commanded. - Patience Daily (Titanium Love)
    • My hemorrhoid has hemorrhoids, poor bugger. I call him Grayson Featherbottom the third. He drinks port and calls me names after a tipple. His mum died three weeks ago of botulism. I forgive you, Grayson, life has dealt you an unfair hand.
    • I tell this joke post humorously as it used to be funny
    • Pick a card any card, not that one dickhead.
    • I downloaded an audiobook on how to speak German. I couldn't understand a word!
    • The future of aviation is up in the air
    • Gather those of simple means and of hearty spirits and healthy lungs. sing a song and speak in prose of a time now lost not too long ago without internet and mobile phone. Some would say better times!
    • The leaning Tower of Pisa was once called the tower of Pisa
    • I came across some petrified wood on a bush walk, I had no idea what the little bugger was so scared about
    • Are you ready for meaningless Drival devoid of all substance
    • Imagine a comic strip with a bowl of crab apples and a person's true to buy them and then the grocer appear a and he's a crab and he says you can't buy them they are crab apples
    • I'm not after cheap laughs but if you know of any I'm buy them off you, 50cents each out 3 for a dollar
    • Tally wacker is another name for a doodle which is another name for a cartoonish drawing
    • You need to go out at dusk. Bring a mango, some string and a woođen spoon. A live chicken wouldn't hurt either.
    • IT'S RAINING HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES OUTSIDE.
    • That wall is 'Ralph Waldo Emmerson' And the wall is 'Wall-e' and the other wall is 'Bruce' He was named after my uncle of the same name. Hey Brucey, you're a good little wall, yes you are! You have structural integrity, yes you do.
  • Movies & Pop-Culture
    • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever!'
    • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard-coloured corduroy pants, a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber's face on it.
    • People aren't into sleepovers anymore. I wasted my money on that big-screen TV.
    • If my life is a movie, It's a low-budget indie film.
    • Where do I begin, it all started when I ate a week-old bagel. That's when the powers came. I am Mould Man—King of Decay.
    • When it comes to television the left has heart and the right has impressive explosions.
    • Is it just me or does the smirk at the base of the Amazon Logo look like the underside of a bendy penis?
    • We are lesser for not having Blockbuster in our lives.
    • I brought a caravan to travel. I downloaded this movie called 'Caravan of Courage'. It wasn't about caravans.
    • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music growing up. They're all a bunch of Racists! Ask Grandma what she thinks of NWA and you'll get the picture.
    • How fake is TV?
    • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like, look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters! But it doesn't. And they don't.
    • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
    • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
    • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
    • Toblerone thinks they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
    • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and thrown it into the fires of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
    • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
    • My methodology is that people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they should be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really, if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
    • The sorting hat put me in Slytherin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
    • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the Matrix.
    • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play Mario Kart.
    • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called Gilligans.
    • I can't work out if Don't Look Up was a seminal work of genius. Or it's just a simple allegory of someone who just looked out the window.
    • I got right into pokemon go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
    • Remember tango and cash? Do you mean the Last tango in Paris? No, that's a different movie. Oh, the one with the dog. No, that's Tango and Hooch. I think you mean Hooch and Turner
    • Being that there's a reality show about four older Teletubbies and a bunch of little Teletubbies. We can posit there are more of these fuckers out there. We shouldn't buy into their cutesy bullshit. We have to interrogate them and find out what their plan is. We can't assume they all just fang about in the scrub twenty-four-seven. They use advanced technologies, which means they may be able to produce advanced weapons. Maybe they plan a full-scale eradication of all human life, and if this is the case, we must act now before they initiate their plan.
    • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever!'
    • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard coloured Corduroy pants and a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber face on it.
    • People aren't into sleepovers anymore. I wasted my money on that big screen TV.
    • If my life is a movie, It's a low budget indie film.
    • Where do I begin, it all started when I ate a week old bagel. That's when the powers came. I am Mould Man. King of Decay.
    • When it comes to telivision the left have heart and the right has impressive explosions.
    • Is it just me or does the arrow at the base of the Amazon Logo look like the underside of a bendy penis?
    • We are lesser for not having blockbuster
    • I brought a caravan to travel. I downloaded this movie called 'Caravan of Courage'. It wasn't about caravans.
    • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music as kids. Racists!
    • How fake is TV?
    • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like, look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters! But it doesn't. And they don't.
    • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
    • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
    • What if we were all created to be special, and we all had our own series on HBO?
    • Michael Jackson was a pervert. But that doesn't mean he didn't make some fantastic music.
    • I'm big on TikTok. Like I'm not big on TikTok. But I like it.
    • Remember Basil Brush? I don't. I'm too young to remember Basil Brush.
    • If I was in Game of Thrones, I'd be a Targaryen because I can control dragons.
    • Every now and again I put on the radio and think, this is quite good. I'm going to put on the radio more often. But then I forget and go back to watching YouTube and listening to podcasts.
    • Bojack is not even a real horse, it's a voice actor playing a horse.
    • If you have a song in your heart and a hop in your step. You should probably look into making a musical. Perhaps about a rabbit.
    • The marvels of the DC Universe are a marvel. See what I did there. I'm not boring, if that's what you think.
    • If the matrix is set in the USA, it's part of the Marvel universe. Am I right?
    • Never meet your idols. I met Madonna, and she smelt like goat cheese.
    • Might do a movie marathon. I'm gonna put the treadmill in front of the TV.
    • I got right into Pokemon Go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
    • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
    • Toblerone thinks they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
    • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and thrown it into the fires of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
    • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
    • Is the GFunk era over or are we still in it?
    • People get all wrapped up in the MCU, it's crazy. It's make-believe guys. The DC universe is heaps more real.
    • KFC is not made out of rabbits. That's a lie probably spread by Mcdonald's, who makes their thick shakes out of pig fat.
    • Jack Sparrow. I know that name from somewhere. I think we used to do tenpin together. No, that was Jack Spears. He probably went to my school. He was probably that dude with the parrot and the funny hat.
    • Everyone's always Marky Mark this and Marky Mark that, but what about the Funky Bunch?
    • My methodology is that people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they should be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really, if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
    • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the Matrix.
    • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play Mario kart.
    • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called Gilligans.
    • The sorting hat put me in Slytherin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
    • I can't work out if Don't look up was a seminal work of geneous. Or its just a simple alegory of someone who just looked out the window.
    • How fake is TV?
    • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters. But it doesn't. And they don't.
    • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
    • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
    • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever'.
    • What if we were all created to be special and we all had our own series on HBO.
    • Michael Jackson was a pervert. But that doesn't mean he didn't make some fantastic music.
    • I'm big on TikTok. Like I'm not big on TikTok. But I like it.
    • Remember Basil Brush? I don't, I'm too young to remember Basil Brush.
    • If I was in Game of Thrones I'd be a Targerion because I can control dragons.
    • Every now and again I put on the radio and think this is quite good, I'm going to put on the radio more often. But then I forget and go back to watching youtube and listening to podcasts.
    • Bojack is not even a real horse, it's a voice actor playing a horse.
    • If you have a song in your heart and a hop in your step. You should probably look into making a musical. Perhaps about a rabbit.
    • The marvels of the DC Universe are a Marvel. See what I did there. I'm not boring if that's what you think.
    • If the matrix is set in the USA, it's part of the Marvel universe. Am I right?
    • Never meet your idols. I met Madonna and she smelt like goat cheese.
    • People say the jews are the problem. But some sitcoms are quite good.
    • Might do a movie marathon. I'm gonna put the treadmill in front of the TV.
    • I got right into pokemon go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
    • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
    • Toblerones think they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
    • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and threw it into the fire's of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
    • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
    • Is the GFunk era over or are we still in it?
    • People get all wrapped up in the MCU, it's crazy. It's make-believe guys. The DC universe is heaps more real.
    • KFC is not made out of rabbits. That's a lie probably spread by McDonald who make their thick shakes out of pig fat.
    • Jack Sparrow, I know that name from somewhere. I think we used to do Tenpin together. No, that was Jack Spears. He probably went to my school. He was probably that dude with the parrot and the funny hat.
    • Everyone's always Marky Mark this and Marky Mark that, but what about the Funky Bunch.
    • Being that there's a reality show about four older Teletubbies and a bunch of little Teletubbies. We can posit there is more of these fuckers out there. We shouldn't buy into their cutesy bullshit. We have to interrogate them and find out what their plan is. We can't assume they all just fang about in the scrub twenty-four seven. They use advanced technologies which means they may be able to produce advanced weapons. Maybe they plan a full scale eradication of all human life, and if this is the case we must act now before they intiate their plan.
    • My methodology is, people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they shoulld be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
    • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the matrix.
    • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play mariokart.
    • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called gilligans.
    • The sorting hat put me in Sliverin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
    • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORYNEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
    • Remember 'Henderson Kids II', where the kids moved a town over, then a lot of their friends ended up moving too. That's what it was like for me. Do you remember the theme song? You can listen to it on youtube.
    • Does anyone know what Roger Ramjet's name was before he got famous? I remember it was something weird like Astrin or something, it's worth looking into.
    • I'VE BEEN THINKING OF WRITING A PLAY CALLED EASTSIDE STORY, IT'S A HOMAGE TO WESTSIDE STORY BUT SET IN CHINA!
    • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE.' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORY NEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
    • MICHAEL BUBLÉ WOULD SELL HEAPS MORE ALBUMS IN THE BOYS AGED 8 TO 12 MARKET IF HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO MICHAELBOOBLICK. JUST SAYIN!
    • "The greatest gift you can give to another is the gift of cookies,' said the blue monster.
    • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORY NEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
    • I’M MAKING A MOVIE BASED ON A FISH WHO DRESSES UP AS AN OLD WOMAN THAT GETS A JOB AS A NANNY FOR HIS KIDS. SO HE CAN BE CLOSE TO THEM. IT'S CALL ‘MRS TROUTFIRE'
    • DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT ROGER RAMJET'S NAME WAS BEFORE HE GOT FAMOUS? | REMEMBER IT WAS SOMETHING WEIRD LIKE ASTRIN OR SOMETHING. IT'S WORTH LOOKING INTO.
    • IS LENNY KRAVITZ A TURQUOISE OR A SAGITARIUS?
    • The premise of the story is that the Grandmother is a powerful Witch. But she has Alzheimer's, so she forgets she's a witch. But that's not the best bit. The best bit is that she is also part vampire, so the sun hurts her eyes.
    • Jophrey was just misunderstood #GOT
    • In a strange turn of events, Daryl Braithwaite gives Sarah Jessica Parker a horsey ride
    • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard coloured Corduroy pants and a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber face on it.
    • NOTE: FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS BETWEEN GREASE LIGHTNING AND NORMAL LIGHTNING?
    • IS LENNY KRAVITZ A TURQUOISE OR A LIBRA?
    • IS MARKY MARK STILL PART OF THE FUNKY BUNCH?
    • DID BARRY GIBBS WORK THINGS OUT WITH THE CHILLI PEPPERS?
    • WHAT WERE RAFFERTY‘S RULES
    • SET AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE BETTY DAVIS EYE CLINIC
    • WAS WHISPERING JACK AND JOHN FARNHAM THE SAME PERSON
    • WAS H. R. PUFF’N’STUFF BASED ON A TRUE STORY?
    • WAS MAGNUM P.I. GAY OR JUST HIS BOYFRIEND?
    • It’s so much harder to be a fame-seeking attention whore in Australia. The encouragement for any type of overt narcissism is frowned upon, things are so bad that you seem to need a prerequisite of talent before people will even take an interest in what a special snowflake you are, and I for one am sick of it.
    • That wall is "Ralph Waldo Emmerson," and the wall is "Wall-e," and the other wall is "Bruce," he was named after my uncle of the same name. Hey Brucey, you're a good little wall, yes you are, you have structural integrity, yes you do.
    • Michael buble would sell heaps more albums in the boys aged 8 to 12 market if he changed his name to michael booblick.
    • Shania Twain better not come around my house talking smack about my family!
    • Toby, you are tasked with saving humanity. What do you do when the aliens arrive. Cry then beg for clemency. That's right Toby, don't be afraid to show your emotions, show them we are more than angry meat sacks, make love to them if you have to. It's all up to you Toby.
    • They're making a prequel to 'The Sixth Sense' called 'The Fifth Sense." It's about a funeral director. The tagline is "I smell dead people!"
    • I want a scroll down button on the side of my phone. Sick of the two-handed bullshit
    • Piracy is theft. you wouldn't download a car! actually I would if it was a torrent!
    • Its 2340 and I'm one of a small group of humans that were born naturally. They call us the naturals and we have special powers which allow us to feed off crystal energy. this power was first discovered in 2019. before the cyborgs, by a woman named Karen who could tell people's future and could talk to Ghosts.
    • I've been thinking of writing a play called east side story, it's an homage to West side story but set in China
    • Barren at 24 - the Judith blomsky story
    • WHAT'S GARGAMELS FAVOURITE MEAL? SMURF AND TURF!
    • I'm developing a new gang of superheroes called 'the Mediterraneans' there's 'Captain Carbonara' he's the leader. Then there's the 'paella Prince' he's the plucky good-looking one. 'souvlaki soldier' is seven feet tall and built like a brick shithouse. 'Lady Lasagne' is their media advisor and an expert at game theory. And then there is their canine pal the 'Italian sausage dog!'
    • Remember that line in the Simpsons where they said that thing, total classic
    • How times have changed. I stole the movie, "Sex, Lies and Videotape" and also "Basic Instinct" from blockbuster back in the day. That was my porn. These days kids can watch a girl get ploughed by a horse on their phones at the click of a few buttons.
    • Bridget Jones and its sequels are seminal works of British romantic comedy cinema. I find it difficult to say the word seminal with a straight face because all I can think of is semen. Like as in seminal fluid, or what the young ones call 'jizz', or 'come' as it is colloquially known. Anyway, I'm a fan of the movies.
    • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE ABOUT A MAN WHO LOSES HIS MIND AND THEN FINDS A BAG OF MARBLES. HE TELLS EVERYONE HE FOUND HIS MARBLES BUT NO ONE BELIEVES HIM UNTIL HE BUILDS A TIME MACHINE.
    • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE WHERE FAMOUS ACTORS DO PARTS WHERE THEY DIE STRAIGHT AWAY AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE RAT FACED CHAP SURVIVE UNTIL THE END
    • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE ABOUT FOUR ALIENS THAT COME TO EARTH AND THEY ABSOLUTELY LOVE PIZZA. SORT OF LIKE NINJA TURTLES BUT BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MAGICAL POWERS!
    • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE, IT'S CALLED COLONEL WINCHESTERS MAGIC NINE, AND THERE WILL BE NINE PEOPLE WITHMAGICAL POWERS IN IT, AND THEY'LL ALL DEFEAT A COMMON ENEMY, IT'LL BE GREAT, IF
    • YOU'VE GOT ANY IDEAS FOR THE SCRIPT OR WANT TO FLESH OUT A COUPLE OF CHAPTERS FOR ME, SEND THEM TO ME at: big johnson 69 at hotmail.com
  • Community Service
    • This whole Australian of the year thing stinks of a cover-up, what's really going on?
    • Why did you start killing again Brian? Well ever since my counsellor died in mysterious circumstances, the urge to kill has been something I can't talk about with anyone. Next thing I know, murder, murder murder, kill, kill, kill. You know how it is.
    • There once lived a man near Wellington. Who listened to Martin Seligman. He tried to be happy. But his life was too crappy. So decided the man was a pelican.
    • 40% of life is about doing things. The other 60%, so eat your breakfast.
    • You can be so wrapped up in negativity that when you meet someone positive you think "BULLSHIT THEY'RE FAKING IT!"
    • Question: DEAR RICKY, I HAVE A LUMP ON MY TESTICLE, WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?  CHEERS BRUCE. Answer: LISTEN YOU PERVE. I HELP PEOPLE FOR A LIVING AND YOU WRITE TO ME WITH THIS SMUT, GROW UP BRUCE!
    • BE KIND TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T GOT LONG TO LIVE!
    • Your opinion is not my reality. That entirely depends on my opinion.
    • The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.” This might be a bit bullshit. I know a few lonely, sad, and damaged people who are just arseholes!
    • CELEBRATE HUMANITY BY NOT BEING A DICK
    • NOTE: APOLOGISE PERSONALLY TO EACH OF THE EIGHT VICTIMS IN THE ACCIDENT
    • HAD A FISTFIGHT DOWN THE STREET TODAY, THIS OLD LADY WAS VOICING HER OPINION ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE SAYING, "It's Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" I SLAUGHTERED HER, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL
    • HI DENNIS, I LOVE THE NEW IDEAS FOR THIS YEARS HARMONY DAY. ISOLATING A MINORITY GROUP AND TARGETING THEM SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
    • ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH! WELL I'M SORRY BUT I'M NOT SOME PERFORMING CLOWN. I HAVE FEELINGS!
    • I'M SORRY TO ALL THE VICTIMS OF MY MALIGNANT NARCISSISM. IT CAN'T BE EASY BEING AROUND SOMEONE THIS FUCKING AWESOME!
    • DRUGS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO TAKE DRUGS KILL PEOPLE.
    • STOP BLAMING EVERYONE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU'LL GET EVERYONE OFFSIDE. JUST BLAME ONE PERSON AND POINT THE FINGER AT THEM FOR YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND YOUR BAD CHOICES!
    • DON'T BE SCARED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO CARRY THAT DEAD BODY DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS ON YOUR OWN...
    • ANYONE STRUGGLING WITH DRUGS. The TRICK IS TO FIND A RELIABLE DEALER.
    • “MEREDITH CAN YOU PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON HONEY, YOU'RE SCARING THE NEIGHBOURS”
    • SHORT PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS TALL PEOPLE
    • TAKE CARE OF YOUR ELDERS WHEN THEIR OLD AND CAN'T DO SHIT WELL!
    • BE KIND TO THOSE WHO DONT HAVE MUCH. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THEM TO STEAL YOUR SHIT!
    • YOU'RE LISTENING TO YOUR FAVOURITE TUNES ON THE TRAIN AND EVERYONE STANDS UP AND SAYS, “TURN THAT SHIT UP!” BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF THE FLASH MOB!
    • I KNEW THE MOMENT I HIT ROCK BOTTOM THAT A SHOVEL WASN'T GONNA DO THE JOB. I NEEDED A JACKHAMMER AND SOME TNT!
    • I BROKE MY LEG A FEW YEARS BACK AND HAD ONE OF MY MATES ASK HOW MY ‘FRONT LEG’ WAS. I TOLD HIM NOT HALF AS BAD AS MY BACK LEG.
    • I've been bottling up my emotions. $2.40/600ml $5.00/1.25L
    • All right cock-heads, settle down!
    • TODAY IS NATIONAL HOW R U DAY! A DAY WHERE WE AIM TO BE CIVIL BUT NOT GET TOO DEEP INTO PEOPLES BULLSHIT.
    • PIRACY IS THEFT! YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR! ACTUALLY IF I COULD DOWNLOAD a car, I PROBS WOULD!
    • HEADLINE - mOVIE STUDIOS STOP PICKING ON FAT PEOPLE IN FILM!
    • Headline - RIGHT-WING arseholes protest online, SAYING pc CULTURE HAS GONE TO FAR!
    • A dice is actually called a die because if you gamble you wind up dead.
    • THINK OF NICE THINGS TO SAY BEHIND PEOPLE‘S BACKS
    • The health risk to smoking as a fish are minimal, you don't have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema, and anyway it's really hard to light a cigarette under water
    • SICK PEOPLE HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST RATES OF DEATH IN THE COMMUNITY.
    • APOLOGISE PERSONALLY TO EACH OF THE EIGHT VICTIMS IN THE ACCIDENT
    • STOP SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF THE ROOM
    • Valium is for wimps who can’t handle their crippling sadness. Biff Herron (Andrea Johnson can suck my d#@k)
    • "Darren Perkins - Wacking off in the age of the internet
    • I MAKE ALL THE KIDS WRITE UPPERCASE I CALL IT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
    • “Mum, where did you put the crack pipe?” “It’s in the second drawer where I always put it!” “Thanks, Mum.”
    • “I need couples therapy, but first I need a partner.” Said, Agamemnon. - Redesh Patack (Finding love in New Dehli)
    • Ringo Star (Thomas the Tank Engine: A long night shunting!)
    • “Stop misinterpreting my argument”, said the fat controller. “He’s just crazy don’t listen to him!”, said Thomas.
    • I know you look at me as some sort of hero that leads the resistance against the non-carers. Those who only want to better themselves and their particular tribe. But the truth is I poo with the same valve as you. I stuff sustenance in my mouth hole in order to survive. I need money to provide toilet paper and sustenance and that makes me vulnerable. If the enemy finds out fatty likes pies, they could use that to influence my choices, and that is dangerous.
    • She smelt like biscuits, and not the good kind. The kind you’d have to dip in a cup of tea to enjoy!
    • I've learned not to be afraid any more. I am free from the shackles of my oppressors. I am a victim plain and simple and will be using my victimhood for ultimate glory and power!
    • To all the people doing it tough. chances are it's your own fault and God is just showing you that you were wrong.
    • If you want to keep your junkie son and your new television you're going to have to give him that $50
    • No problem is too great that it can't be ignored with drugs and alcohol
    • I base my popularity on Facebook likes. This is the second biggest reason for my crippling sadness. The first is the huge lump on my back.
    • I'm not much into party drugs said David, I'm more into stay at home and state at the tv for 16 hours straight drugs, last time I took party drugs I woke up in a Brazilian prison with three teeth missing and a terrible trash, tv drugs are far safer for a guy like myself
    • Party like you've got to be back at the hospital on Monday
    • I carry so much personal baggage people always assume I'm going on a trip overseas
    • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
    • Every day’s a great day according to Gerald, but as the bloke who has to wipe his arse I disagree
    • If there’s a famine all us fat bastards are going to outlive you skinny types. Bahaahaha Bahahaahaha Bahahahaa Haa
    • Ricky put the cat out! mum, we don't own a cat! oh fuck! mum died 7 years ago Angela call doctor Cline tell her mother's back
    • Don't be scared to ask for help! you can't expect to carry that dead body down the flights of stairs on your own
    • HI DENNIS, I LOVE THE NEW IDEAS FOR THIS YEARS HARMONY DAY. ISOLATING A MINORITY GROUP AND TARGETING THEM SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
    • LIFE IS A LOT LIKE DANCING. A LOT OF PEOPLE SUCK AT DANCING!
    • JUST BECAUSE I'M FILLED WITH LOVING KINDNESS DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T PUNCH A SHARK IN THE FACE IF IT TRIES TO BITE MY ARM OFF.
    • I went to the doctor's office and I needed to use their men's room. When I came back the next day and needed to go again, to my shock my turd from the day before was still sitting in the bowl. They could at least go around at the end of the day and check for floaters!
    • GIVE BLOOD - Vampires be hungry!
    • Starved for attention? Join the circus! Someone has to clean up after the elephants
    • Every year women and men and children die, show your support by sharing this with 3 friends. Let's bring awareness to all those who have died.
    • We need something inclusive where everyone's welcome, how about free entry for everyone who wears a Burka, no, how about, bring your Burka Fridays?
    • HI NEVILLE. I'VE CONDUCTED A LONGITUDINAL STUDY INTO TO WHY YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND THE RESULTS ARE CONCLUSIVE...NEVILLE...NEVILLE. HELLO, THAT'S BETTER!
    • I keep all my new year's resolutions for April 1st.
    • The dentist recommended I start flossing. I told him I'd meet him halfway and start brushing.
    • We believe in second chances, probably from our second set of teeth
    • Back in the day not breaking a bone was an achievement. Now, it's common place, because we never go outside
    • Knock knock. Who's there? You are, looking into the mirror of time.
  • Women
    • WOMEN ARE SADLY UNDER-REPRESENTED IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION. I SEE FIREMEN SAM, BOB THE BUILDER AND POSTMAN PAT. WHAT I DON'T SEE IS WENDY WASHER WOMAN, CAROL CAKE MAKER OR JENNY FROM THE BLOCK!
    • Hi Guys, my skin needs One-quarter moisturiser, any ideas?
    • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
    • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
    • Has anyone got any arts and crafts I can borrow, I'm thinking of making something more traditional, but in a new Vogue riche flair turtleneck style. Then I'll top it off with a girdled topaz topper in red. and do you have a glue gun? Thanks guys
    • When everything goes to shit, I just want to be able to say "I TOLD YOU SO!"
    • DON’T LAUGH AT A WOMAN WHO IS BARREN. THE POOR LADY PROBABLY CAN'T HAVE KIDS!
    • I DIDN'T WIN BECAUSE SILVER, it MATCHES MY SKIN TONE
    • SHE WAS THE SORT OF PERSON THAT USED MULTI-GRAIN TO MAKE FAIRY BREAD!
    • FALLOPIAN TUBES ARE NOW CALLED FEMALE TUMMY TUBES. UNLESS THE PERSON GROWS UP IN THE FALLOPIAN REGION OF FRANCE.
    • WOMEN ARE SADLY UNDER-REPRESENTED IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION. I SEE FIREMEN SAM, BOB THE BUILDER AND POSTMAN PAT. WHAT I DON'T SEE IS WENDY WASHER WOMAN, CAROL CAKE MAKER OR JENNY FROM THE BLOCK!
    • DANCE LIKE EVERYBODY'S WATCHING, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE HOW GREAT OF A DANCER YOU ARE!
    • After washing up and packing away the dishes I realise how hard you women actually have it.
    • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
    • THINK OF MORE COOL WORDS TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE
    • GO OFF AT COUPLES THERAPY, TEACH HIM A LESSON!
    • The baby is Ishmaels. shh, don't tell David.
    • CONSIDER SELLING BASKETS ON ETSY.
    • “Margaret polishes my teeth, come to think of it Margaret does just about everything. Except for BBQ, BBQ is a man’s job!”, Said Bill. Bill’s wife was the smart one, the charitable one and the backbone of the family. But to him, she was just the cook.
    • It would not matter what I did. She would find a reason to despise me. She hated me. I had something she didn’t. What was it I’m not exactly sure. Maybe her heart.
    • David Shoestrum (Eat, Pray, F@#k)
    • She was the most beautiful creature on earth, who cares if she couldn’t cook a pavlova.
    • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
    • Just remember guys, Tea towels are presents for the kitchen. Not for wives
    • Felopian tubes are now called female tummy tubes unless the person grows up in the felopian region of France
    • I want to be rich enough to never have to care for my own children
    • I didn't win the race because Silver matches my skin tone
    • LIVE LOVE LAUGH LEPROSY
    • Have you ever chomped down on a sandwich and nearly bitten off one of your fingers? That shit hurts.
    • They say laughter is the best medicine, but I've heard Metformin is pretty bloody amazing too.
    • I've changed the way I think about people. I used to think we all deserved happiness.
    • What about these people that look partially digested?
    • I feel sorry for all the little babies who were born without their parents.
    • I just want a pair of pants with some decent pockets. I've worn my husband's trackies. I know how things could be. It's discrimination. It's not like only men carry mobile phones.
    • Lock-down, more like lock-frown
    • Breathe fucker
    • No one at my wife's work commented on her new pants today. How can they all live in such blissful ignorance?
    • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all. That's why I carry around a box of tissues.
    • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
    • My daughter is an artsy type. Which is annoying. She's a good-looking young woman. She should be focused on looking her best in order to secure a wealthy bachelor, instead of putting all her effort into trying to paint fruit.
    • Jack's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's certainly a lot more popular than the twins; Darryl and Brian. But they're pretty good at identifying different types of mould.
    • There's an 85% chance my daughter will get pregnant before she finishes high school. I'm not ready to be a father again.
    • You give your kids all the love they'll ever need and some of them will still turn to drugs and start stealing your stash.
    • My son would have made a great little girl. I brought him the latest barbies, but it just didn't stick.
    • I wonder if vegan's farts smell like the rainforest
    • People say, trust your gut. But fatty don't think so.
    • You ever look in someone's fridge and they say, "why are you looking in my fridge."
    • I made a new colour called 'POOPLE,' by mixing brown and purple together.
    • If you're gonna pick on someone for their looks, you better make damn well sure they're funny lookin'.
    • I've spent half my life on the lounge. Some people say I've missed out on life, but I'm comfortable.
    • Not enough is said about freckled people, they're pretty much humans with spots. People don't give them enough credit for that.
    • I got a new haircut the other day. Not a single person mentioned it. It's like no one cares about my hair.
    • My husband had a tapeworm. It's so weird how people can just act normal when they have a worm inside them. A fucking worm!
    • I'm weirded out when people have more gums than teeth, that's why I can't be around children.
    • I got into basket weaving, but the vines were so expensive.
    • I wish there was a job where I could go round slapping people in the face.
    • Have you ever chomped down on a sandwich and nearly bitten off one of your fingers? That shit hurts.
    • They say laughter is the best medicine, but I've heard Metformin is pretty bloody amazing too.
    • I've changed the way I think about people. I used to think we all deserve happiness.
    • What about these people that look partially digested.
    • I feel sorry for all the little babies who were born without their parents.
    • I just want a pair of pants with some decent pockets. I've worn my husband's trackies. I know how things could be. It's discrimination. It's not like only men carry mobile phones.
    • Lock-down, more like lock-frown
    • Breathe fucker
    • No-one at my wife's work commented on her new pants today, how can they all live in such blissful ignorance.
    • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all, that's why I carry arounda box of tissues.
    • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
    • I wonder if vegan farts smell like the rainforest
    • People say to trust your gut. But fatty don't think so.
    • You ever look in someone's fridge and they say, "why are you looking in my fridge."
    • I made a new colour called 'POOPLE' by mixing brown and purple together.
    • If you're going to pick on someone for their looks, you better make damn well sure they're funny-lookin'.
    • I've spent half my life on the lounge. Some people say I'm missing out on life, but I'm comfortable.
    • Not enough is said about freckled people, they're pretty much humans with spots. People don't give them enough credit for that.
    • I got a new haircut the other day. Not a single person mentioned it. It's like no one cares about my hair.
    • My husband had a tapeworm. It's so weird how people can just act normal when they have a worm inside them. A fucking worm!
    • I'm weirded out when people have more gums than teeth, that's why I can't be around children.
    • I got into basket weaving, but the vines were so expensive.
    • I wish there was a job where I could go around slapping people in the face.
  • Men
    • Most people deny the animal within and so neglect it. That neglected part of the self tends to bite them in the arse
    • A gambler a bikie and a speedboat owner walk into a bar. The gambler says I bet you I can make you angry to the bikie. The bikie punches him in the face and says don't start trouble cunt, and the speedboat owner says, "I own a speed boat"
    • I knew a bloke who would walk barefoot on catheads. Not the type of guy you wanna fuck with. But that didn't stop Stephen, may he rest in peace.
    • One day I hope to be a professional at something, maybe surfing. who knows. Surfing's definitely an option, but I'm scared of bottle brushes.
    • Surfing is life. I live 400 kilometres from the nearest beach. I have no life.
    • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs. Touch, my arse.
    • I wanted to go see my favourite football team play, but I'm not good at chanting
    • I'M SO COOL I HAVE A TATTOO OF MY DICK ON MY DICK!
    • DOING MONO'S WAS THE HEIGHT OF SUCCESS WHEN I WAS IN YEAR FIVE. AND IF YOU COULD DO A BURNOUT, YOU WERE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN. RIDING WITH NO HANDS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO RIDE. SOME PEOPLE NEVER PROGRESS PAST THIS STAGE OF BEING. AS FOR ME, LET'S JUST SAY I GO THROUGH A LOT OF TYRES!
    • Everybody stay cool I KNOW TAE BO!
    • "THAT MOMENT IN LIFE WHERE YOU HIT THE SOUND BARRIER, AND YOU'RE GOING FASTER THAN SOUND. SHARE IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.
    • He said, "Goodbye!” as she walked out the door, she turned back for one last glimpse. "Stay safe!” he said, "Don't go getting pregnant!" David Haffiff (The kid's mine)
    • HE TURNED BACK FOR ONE LAST TIME, "I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU OR YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU'RE BOTH EQUALLY MY FAVOURITE, FOREVER!"
    • DON'T TELLI ME HOW TO MAKE PANCAKES, I MADE PANCAKES ON THE BEACHES AT NORMANDY. ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO. YOU SHOULD VISIT, IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.
    • HAS ANYONE GOT A SPORTS CAR THEY CAN LEND ME? I WANT TO SHOW OFF TO SOME PEOPLE. I'm POSSIBLY going to DO SOME BURNOUTS!
    • GIRLFRIEND: "DID YOU HURT YOUR LEG?" ME: “WOMAN, THAT'S MY HOOD SWAGGER!”
    • I'M SICK OF PEOPLE CARRYING ON LIKE I PUT MY DICK IN THEIR SANDWICH, I DIDN'T PUT MY DICK IN YOUR BLOODY SANDWICH!
    • WHEN YOU SET FIRE TO YOUR CUBBY HOUSE CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN NOW AND THE TIME FOR GAMES IS OVER!
    • ANDREW THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE PEACE WITH YOURSELF IS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR KILLING YOUR FATHER. BUT I KILLED HIM. ANDREW, THE GUY WAS A DICK. YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. HE FED YOU PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES, WHICH IS AN AMERICAN THING. IT'S CALLED JAM IN AUSTRALIA. I KNOW ANDREW, YOU WERE RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DID
    • EVER MEET SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND PRETEND YOU'VE GOT AN OUT THERE NAME. "G'DAY MOONDOG'S THE NAME AND MOONDOGGIN'S MY GAME."
    • MY WIFE ALWAYS SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THINGS AND I'M LIKE, YEAH WHATEVER. THEN I SHOW HER MY KARATE.
    • DOING MONO'S WAS THE HEIGHT OF SUCCESS WHEN I WAS IN YEAR FIVE. AND IF YOU COULD DO A BURNOUT, YOU WERE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN. RIDING WITH NO HANDS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO RIDE. SOME PEOPLE NEVER PROGRESS PAST THIS STAGE OF BEING. AS FOR ME, LET'S JUST SAY I GO THROUGH A LOT OF TYRES!
    • WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? DARYL, THIS IS THE TEST!
    • PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY! BUT I PUT MY HUMAN SKIN PANTS ON ONE LEG AT A TIME... JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
    • I'M SO COOL I HAVE A TATTOO OF MY DICK ON MY DICK!
    • HAVE SOMEONE EVER COME UP TO YOU AND SAID, "HAVE YOU BEEN TO BANGKOK?" THEN PROCEEDED TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK!
    • He turned back for one last time, I'll never forget you or your best friend, you're both equally my favourite, forever!
    • NOTE TO SELF: THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL MORE
    • I'M WORKING ON MY INNER STRENGTH! LIVER DAY TODAY, THEN HEADING TO THE GYM TOMORROW TO WORK ON MY SPLEEN!
    • Whats your top speed? Answers in metric only!
    • REMember when being attacked. Stop, drop and roll... Or'is that if theres a fire.
    • It was a bit of a hairy situation. What we talking Bigfoot or the Yeti
    • I was thinking of trying out kickboxing but I couldn't get the boxing gloves on my feet
    • GARY: THE TABLES HAVE TURNED ME: GARY, STOP TURNING THE FUCKING TABLES, I'M TRYING TO EAT MY BREAKFAST!
    • CREATOR RAP SONG ABOUT GROWING UP ON THE STREET
    • Doing mono's was the height of success when I was in year 5, and if you could do a burnout you were top of the food chain. Riding with no Hands was the only way to ride. Some people never progress past this stage of being. As for me let's just say I go through a lot of tyres!
    • "Why did you start killing again Brian? Well ever since my counsellor died in mysterious circumstances, the urge to kill has been something I can't talk about with anyone.  Next thing I know, murder, murder murder, kill, kill, kill.  You know how it is."
    • HIGH SCHOOL PROBLEMS - A BIG PART OF SCHOOL FOR ME WAS CONVINCING OTHER STUDENTS  i COULD FIGHT. YOU'RE LESS LIKELY TO GET CHALLENGED if YOUR NICKNAME IS STREETFIGHTER.
    • HIGH SCHOOL PROBLEMS - I COULDN'T DUNK, SO I JUST LIMPED AROUND THE BASKETBALL COURT AT LUNCH TIME TELLING THE OTHER KIDS THAT I WAS INJURED.
    • IS SWEATY BALLS A CONDITION?
    • I have the ghosts of a thousand soldiers running through my veins Ahhhhhhhhh! I HAVE THE POWER!
    • THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL MORE
    • INCREASE COOL LEVEL BY 50% BY CARRYING A POCKET KNIFE!
    • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
    • Dandilions for Daisy (Henrienta Shifflebottom)
    • He was always ridiculously early, which was proof his plate was not full.
    • Dustin Hoffman (Biography: No good at sports)
    • Looking back, I wished I would have played more Kick Ball.
    • He said, “Goodbye,” as she walked out the door, she turned back for one last glimpse. “Stay safe,” he said, “Don’t go getting pregnant.” - David Haffiff (The kid's mine)
    • Debra Cockswolup (The time my idiot brother told the E.R he slipped over naked and landed on three carrots!)
    • And that was the last time he tried to make a computer out of cardboard and lollies!
    • He turned back for one last time, I'll never forget you or your best friend, you're both equally my favourite, forever.
    • I need a soap that will clean my balls but also provide me with sustenance of I get hungry while in the shower
    • When you set fire to your cubby house cause your a man now and the time for games is over
    • Go hard or go home. Oh I didn't realise this was a manliness contest. Change a shitty nappy fuckface.
    • When you start accusing people of stealing something you’ve lost. “Don’t lie, I know it was you, I can tell by your face!” Then you remember you hid it so nobody would steal it.
    • Worrying study says teenage boys less worried about how well they can fight!
    • Guy from 60’s bases self-worth on how far he can walk without shoes!
    • What do you like at school young man, I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
    • I've only killed to survive and to get ahead in life and to get revenge. Actually, most of my killings are revenge related.
    • Ever meet someone for the first time and pretend you've got a cool name. G'day Moondog's the name and Moondoggin' is my game.
    • I hate when you go clothes shopping and the assistant says, "nothing in here for you fatty." Then they say "crap hair loser" and punch you in the guts until you collapse. Then they roll you out the shop and say, "the oceans that way!" As a big guy, there's nothing worse.
    • Maybe if you had more testosterone you'd cry a lot less Kenneth. Why can't you be like the other boys, you can't even catch a football you little blousse. You might be a wuss Kenneth but you're my wuss honey and I love you just not as much as your brother who doesn't cry, and can catch a football. now go to bed you little scamp. and Kenneth, if you pass yourself, you're changing your own sheets tonight.
    • Computer Games encourage violence in the same way I would of never started eating toddlers of I hadn't first feel in love with eating jelly babies, then I moved on to chicks, now I only eat black babies
    • I wanted to go see my favourite football team play but I'm no good at chanting,
    • I’m so cool, I have a tattoo of my dick on my dick!
    • FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH, THEN HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE IN CASE THEY TRY TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.
    • SIMON IS SUCH A TRY HARD, HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO SMOKE PROPERLY, LETS GO GUYS!
    • Just remember there is always someone better at snap front kicks than you. Don't live in the shadow of your ghost. BE POWERFUL!
    • BE STRONG! OTHERWISE, OTHERS WILL BEAT YOU.
    • BEING NICE IS ONE OF THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO AVOID A FISTFIGHT.
    • Never give up on your dreams unless they involve something stupid like speed boat racing or embroidery
    • Without guts, there's no glory. Let alone a functioning digestive system!
    • You tell yourself who you are. Let no one else define you. but keep it real! don't tell yourself you're a lobster fisherman if you can't catch a fucking lobster!
    • A big part of schooling for me was convincing offer students and myself how well I could fight while doing my best not to get into fights. You're less likely to get challenged to a fight if your nickname is Streetfighter.
    • I couldn't dunk at school so I just limped around the basketball court at lunch telling the other kids I was injured.
    • My favourite colour is tartan
    • I was thinking of trying out kick boxing but I couldn't get the boxing gloves on my feet
    • DO YOU EVER WONDER THINGS AND THEN THINK, FUCK IT AND BUY A SPEED BOAT. I WAS CRACKING UP FOR WEEKS AFTER I WROTE THIS ESPECIALLY WHEN I'D TAKE MY SPEEDBOAT OUT ONTO THE WATER. IT'S A TWIN-ENGINE BIG BLOCK 450 HORSEPOWER MACHINE. IT'S SO FAST MY YOUNGER BROTHER DOUGAL SHIT HIMSELF AND HE WASN'T EVEN IN THE BOAT!
    • My wife always blames me for the stuff that I do.
    • Is it natural if you spend a third of your life scratching your balls? Because if it is, I'm very natural!
    • He was a sour man with a black heart.  But he could turn one of those long balloons into anything and the kids loved it.
    • Being that all my limbs are intact u might assume I'm good at sword fighting
    • Guys, I think I'm having a heart attack Man, chill your twenty-four. You're not having a heart attack. It's the drugs man, it makes you sensitive to your body, more likely you're having a panic attack. Man, your eyes are like a firestorm. You've got a demon in you! Tim, stop freaking him out.
    • I'm what you'd call a growth hacker. So you sell steroids. That is correct, but I also help people with their goals. Particularly the goal of acquiring anabolic steroids.
    • A gambler, a bikie and a speedboat owner walk into a bar. The gambler says to the bikie I bet you I can make you angry. The bikie punches him in the face and says don't start trouble cunt, and the speedboat owner says, "I own a speed boat!"
    • I cut my nails. Then I go back to my life. Then I look down and bam, I'm fucking Wolverine.
    • Attitude is everything! #GetFucked
    • Cattle rustling ain't easy. Rustlers gonna rustle!
    • Air-con on high. Watching world die.
    • Scott Morrison doesn't think the rules apply to him because he's driven by a higher set of rules. Rules which say little on how to run a country or how to be a good steward. #auspol
    • I designed a turtle trap, but am keeping it to myself for the sake of the turtles
    • When you get 5 likes on Facebook, so you celebrate with a cruise on The Ruby Princess
    • Think I'll take it easy on the alcohols today. Ten beers max.
    • What's people's attitudes towards women these days? Men have to spend less time ogling titties! Can we agree on that?
    • Taking a poll. Which do you prefer? Titties or Boobies? #poll #survey
    • Mum says I've got an attitude problem. That's why I don't visit her in the hospital.
    • Mark Twain once wrote
    • Imagine if you had tiger power and you were fighting someone with shark power. Tiger power would win unless you were near the ocean. Then shark has the advantage.
    • People say I'm trying to look like a pirate, but I have an eye condition. And my parrot likes sitting on my shoulder. I don't make him sit there!
    • I called Guinness; they said shoving thirteen pencils up your nose isn't Guinness-worthy. Cunts!
    • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
    • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA?
    • Ever take your bra off and think, this is the life. Hasn't happened to me, I'm a man. I don't wear bras.
    • Mother thought me a dim boy, but she never read the books I read. There are many ways to skin a cat mother, many ways. And I am fluent in at least forty-six of them. Mother should remember that.
    • Stand tall soldier
    • Dad, I don't want to play armies, I'm playing horticulture
    • Is that one of those ltgbtq words is it?
    • No dad it's growing vegies.
    • All right son, but no eggplants or cucumbers.
    • Yeah, I had a perm once. It's no big deal. A lot of guys did.
    • Just because I'm squishy around the middle doesn't mean I can't poke your eye out with a stick.
    • I don't know what I'd do with myself if I ever lost interest in PlayStation.
    • Me and my friends all gave each other cool nicknames, there's Slinger, Tophat, Big John, Stacks and me, Dogshit.
    • Whenever I play scissors, paper, rock; I use sword, that beats everything.
    • I wanted to be a cop, but I didn't pass the psych evaluation. They took away my future. I'm gonna kill'em all.
    • My talents lie in three things; Pool, poker, and tall tales. I once won $500 off a rich investor bloke who played me at pool, and by the end of the night, my poker skills meant I was now the owner of one of his beach houses. Just kidding, my talents only lie in tall tales.
    • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
    • “I’ll trick you and that will prove I’m smarter,” said the old codger.
    • Carrots for lunch again, Gerald? That's their latest joke, but I ain't laughin'.
    • People say I'm trying to look like a pirate but I have an eye condition. And my parrot likes sitting on my shoulder. I don't make him sit there.
    • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
    • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA
    • Imagine if you had tiger power and you were fighting someone with shark power. Tiger power would win unless you were near the ocean. Then shark has advantage.
    • I called Guinness, they said shoving thirteen pencils up your nose isn't Guinness worthy. Cunts!
    • Ever take your bra off and think, this is the life. Hasn't happened to me, I'm a man. I don't wear bras.
    • I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
    • Yeah I had a perm once, it's no big deal. A lot of guys did.
    • Just because I'm squishy around the middle doesn't mean I can't poke your eye out with a stick.
    • I don't know what I'd do with myself if I ever lost interest in PlayStation.
    • Me and my friends all gave each other cool nicknames, there's: Slinger, Tophat, Big John, Stacks and me, Dogshit.
    • Whenever I play scissors, paper, rock; I use sword, that beats everything.
    • I wanted to be a cop, but I didn't pass the psych evaluation. They took away my future. I'm gonna kill'em all.
    • My talents lie in three things; Pool, poker and tall tales. I once won $500 off a rich investor bloke who played me at pool and by the end of the night, my poker skills meant I was now the owner of one of his beach houses. Just kidding my talents only lie in tall tales.
    • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
    • “I’ll trick you and that will prove I’m smarter,” said the old codger.
    • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
  • Family
    • STOP BEING HAPPY! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING THE FAMILY.
    • WHEN YOU CHIP A TOOTH ON ONE OF GRANNY'S BOILED LOLLIES, AND YOU SAY THAT YOU'D THINK BOILING LOLLIES WOULD MAKE THEM SOFTER AND GRANNY SAYS, “WE USED TO DROWN KIDS LIKE YOU!" THEN YOU START TO CRY, SO GRANNY SAY'S, “HERE, HAVE A BOILED LOLLY!"
    • GRANDMA'S ONLY INSTRUCTIONS WERE TO DISPOSE OF HER CRACK PIPE AND CLEAR HER BROWSER HISTORY WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY.
    • I TRIED TO BE THE BACKBONE OF MY FAMILY, BUT I SLIPPED A DISC!
    • WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ACCIDENT AND YOUR SISTER BREAKS HER NECK. BUT YOUR HAPPY BECAUSE SHE STOLE YOUR SNICKERS BAR!
    • MUM SAYS I'VE GOT AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. THAT'S WHY I DON'T VISIT HER IN THE HOSPITAL ANYMORE!
    • TREVOR YOU FRICKING LUNATIC, SLOW UP ON THE RED HORSE!
    • Mum, Why does Mrs. Hopkins house smell like old people? Tommy go sit in the car! Sorry Mrs. Hopkins, if it's any consolation Tommy still shits his pants, don't ya Tommy?
    • My dad works at cambells soup. He's a chicken creamer
    • Ever stay up at night wondering who your real dad is
    • "Dad: I'll ring your neck Me: grabs necks ""hello neck speaking""
    • Maybe if you had more testosterone you'd cry a lot less Kenneth. Why can't you be like the other boys, you can't even catch a football you little blouse. You might be a wousse Kenneth, but you're my wousse honey and I love you just not as much as your brother who doesn't cry and can catch a football. Now go to bed you little scamp, and if you piss yourself, you're changing your own sheets tonight.
    • The Devil made me do it. Don't blame the Devil Malcolm your just an arsehole that lacks empathy and impulse control, in fact, Malcolm I'd go as far as to say you are the Devil!
    • "I came to school as an ice cube for book week. Mum told me a good way to make friends was to tell everyone I was the coolest kid in class, and that's why I came to you for help. It's been 20 years and I still get anxious when people laugh and have panic attacks when people give me ice water!
    • Kids grow up so fast. One day they're playing in the street with all the other Yahoo's, the next their in prison for armed robbery and insulting a police officer!
    • My son says I'm thirsty and I say hi thirsty I'm secondy. That's an A-level dad joke there, right of the top of the old noodle!
    • It was time to prove how are racist my family really was. “Hi everyone I’d like you to meet my new wife, ‘Bok Choy’.” by Andrew Farqua (How Bok died)
    • ANDREW CARNEGIE STOLE MY GREAT GRANDFATHER SHOVEL
    • Why does Grandma Hodson's house smell like old people? Tommy go sit in the car. Sorry Mrs Hodson, if it's any consolation Tommy still shits his pants, don't ya Tommy?
    • Do you ever meet someone and think about how disappointed their parents must be?
    • When you're in an accident and your sister breaks her neck but your happy because she stole your Snickers
    • Takes garbage out, sees neighbors. FUCK. How's it garn?
    • I call my penis my 'front tail.'
    • The last thing I stole was my wife's heart
    • Meredith can you put out your pants back on honey you’re scaring the neighbours
    • when Mum gives you a macaroon and says you can have another one after you finish your homework. but you started hanging out with the cool kids at school, so you tell your mum to go fuck herself!
    • Today we look at the protagonist in Ricky's latest work of fiction 'Mums Favourite'. The character named Mirandra is known in local circles for her caramel slices and as a doer who gives to her community. But things haven't always been easy for Mirandra, she carried a great burden from a young age. The story delves into her relationship with her difficult and troubled family and her place within the walls of this family unit. One of four children she carried the heavy burden of being a favourite child, some would call this a blessing, but this is a cautionary tale.
    • I didn't eat ice cream until I was 21, mum hated me. she cared more about my health than my satisfaction. what a fucking bitch
    • Grandma's only instructions were to dispose of her crack pipe and clear her browser history when she passed away
    • Dad told me to get off the drugs! I said I wasn't sitting on them and that he probably left them in his room.
    • BOB: Margret dear, would you be so kind as to pass me the crack pipe. MARGARET: I wish you wouldn't do that at the table dear.
    • Take care of your elders when their old and can't do shit well.
    • I'm lucky I met my wife after my fuckwit phase
    • WHENEVER I START TO QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT, I LOOK AT WHOM I MARRIED AND THINK IF I CAN GET A BIG DECISION LIKE THAT RIGHT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE LITTLE DECISIONS..... THAT'S WHY I PLAN ON PARTICIPATING IN A DRUNKEN GOAT RACE ON THE WEEKEND. THE WINNER GETS THE OTHER PERSONS HOUSE.
    • WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR MUM DIDN'T WIN THE 1993 INTERNATIONAL PASTRY AWARDS AND THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AND THAT IT WAS MUM's CRACK PIPE AFTER ALL AND NOT AUNTY RACHAEL'S
    • DON'T FORGET! Make sure you see GRANDMA before she dies!
    • Remember when your parents told you your eyes would go square if you watched too much TV? Not one reported case in the last 26 years! Fucking liars!
    • When you drop an earbud on the ground and think fuck it I can afford i'll grab another.
    • I like to stand up and chink some cutlery against my glass and say id like to make a toast, then I say do you want Vegemite on it sweetheart. Then my wife says you're a clown, then, yes please honey.
    • ME "AWW BABY, IT'S ALL RIGHT, DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE YOU A NICE POEM!" WIFE "WHAT FOR ME OR FACEBOOK!" ME "UMMMMM, BOTH”
    • Me: I WISH I COULD GO ON THE BIGGEST LOSER, BUT I'M NOT FAT ENOUGH. Wife: YES YOU ARE HONEY!
    • Having a wife that loves me, cares for me, and laughs at my jokes, for only 3 payments of $35,000. PRICELESS
    • Tims on the grass again, love! Tell him to put on some sunscreen. No honey, he's on the weed! Tell him to pull 'em out and put them in the compost
    • There's no money in drugs these days. Kids are too busy on their PlayStations or watching porn on their tablets.
    • I see my family at Christmas, but only because I like presents.
    • I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm the only one my parents wouldn't pay to fix my teeth.
    • I can't stand my son, he thinks he's better than me because he knows how to sustain healthy relationships.
    • My son is a little hoodlum. You do all you can for them, but then they get a taste of that rap music and it's all bitches and hoes.
    • I loved Grandma more before when she remembered who I was.
    • Soon as my mum does a hip it's straight to the nursing home for her.
    • My son has gotten into my little pony. I don't care if he's gay. I just don't want him to get involved into these dangerous subcultures.
    • My daughter is an artsy type. Which is annoying, she's a good looking young woman. She should be focused on looking her best in order to secure a wealthy batchular, instead of putting all her effort into trying to paint fruit.
    • Jack's not the sharpest tool in the shed but he's certainly a lot more popular than the twins;Darryl and Brian. But they are good at identifying different types of mould.
    • There's a 85 percent chance my daughter will get pregnant before she finishes high school. I'm not ready to be a father again.
    • You give your kids all the love they'll ever need and some of them will still turn to drugs and start stealing your stash.
    • My son would have made a great little girl. I brought him the lastest barbies but it just didn't stick.
    • My son uses all the hot water. Go have a wank in your bedroom you little perve instead of wasting all the hot water.
    • My daughter wants to be an actress. I hope she'll be content with bit parts. She's not going to far with eyes that close together.
    • The last thing I wanted to do was encourage my kids to lead a sedintary lifestyle where bad food is the norm and weight gain is assured. But I can't give my children what I can't do for myself. Poor buggers.
    • My son has an incredibly long penis. I'm not even sure if he's mine.
    • Grandma won't let me help her, she thinks I want her money. Silly old bitch.
    • I've got to show Grandad how to clear his browser history. But I'm not sure how to brouch the subject.
    • Uncle Dans a big perve but he's great with the kids. You just have to be in the same room as him, just in case.
    • My mum has had a hard life. I feel for her. That's why I forked out for the better wheelchair.
    • My brother is an arsehole. Just because I got the looks, the brain, and the personality, he has to be bitter about it. He's good at roofing mind you. I could never do that.
    • My son is eight and is still on the tittie. People think it's weird, but he's a fussy eater.
    • My life improved when I cut my family out of the picture. Fucking Christians all they talk about is God and what he wants.
    • My kid gets teased a lot, but he is funny lookin'.
    • I'm giving my inheritance to the RSPCA. Fuck Brian, call me a crazy cat lady!
    • My son wants to be a rapper. He ain't got no swagga!
    • My son is still angry at how I treated him growing up. But since I turned to Christ I've changed. He doesn't need an apology, he needs Jesus.
    • I wanted a son that could play in the NBA, that's why I married a black woman.
    • My mum was a basket weaver. She would be happy that the funeral was held with an open basket.I love newborn babies, they're so tender. Unlike when they get older and become a bit more chewy.
    • I've built bridges. I've built towers. They all call me a bridge builder. They all call me a builder of towers. That's because they'll never find out that I strangled my wife.
    • Imagine having a TV the size of the entire universe.
    • Carrots for lunch again Gerald. That's their latest joke, but I ain't laughin'.
    • What do you like at school young man, I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
    • Stand tall soldier. Dad, I don't want to play armies, I'm playing horticulture. Is that one of those ltgbtq words is it? No dad it's growing vegies. All right son, but no eggplants or cucumbers.
    • This cancer in the culture has gone too far: Little kids must be taught that pirates aren't cool, and that pirates are bad people.
    • My kids wanted to experience the ocean, so I gave them a cup of water and put a bit of salt in it.
    • All my son eats is fish fingers. I tell him he's going to turn into a fish if he doesn't vary his diet. He just swims away.
    • My husband is a couch potato. Actually he's more of just a potato because of the accident.
    • When I was a kid I always wanted to be a pirate, but mum wouldn't fork out for a parrot.
    • My daughter grazed her knee. All I had was a bandaid solution.
    • I set the clocks forward for daylight savings, now I'm two hours behind.
    • Mother thought me a dim boy, but she never read the books I read. There are many ways to skin a cat mother, many ways. And I am fluent in at least forty-six of them. Mother should remember that.
    • Father always said, "Tie a knot in your pyjamas, single beds are only made for one." To this day I have no idea what he was talking about.
    • When the light bathes their skin, some people brown. I just go bright red and my skin starts melting. That's why all my lights at home are no higher than 40 watts.
    • When I grow up I'm gonna be my most tallest.
    • My mum said my ball sacks were too big for a kid of my size. Then she said I'll probably grow into them.
    • If I saw Santa Claus, I'd wish him a Merry Christmas.
    • Tis the season to be jolly, does jolly mean fat, of so it's my kind of season
    • WHY IS THERE A PATERNITY MATERNITY SECTION IN TARGET NOT A MATERNITY SECTION
    • My son says I'm thirsty and I say hi thirsty I'm secondy. That's an A-level dad joke there, right of the top of the old noodle!
    • MY SON HAS HUGE FEET!I WENT TO BUY HIM SHOES AND THE SALES ASSISTANT ASKS,"WHAT SIZE,” AND MY ANSWER WAS‘CLOWN!' SHE SAID, "RIGHT THIS WAY."
    • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
    • I’M MAKING SURE I STAY FAT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE A FAMINE!- Mal
    • I'm currently 135kg's, the only upside is that I'm well insulated from the cold. My fingers could be falling off from frostbite, but my internal organs will still be at a toasty 37-degrees.
    • My heart is a lock and you are the only key
    • My darling I will always love you. You are my girl, and that makes me blessed. To take that for granted would make me an irredeemable fool.
    • you belong.
    • JUST REMEMBER GUYS: TEATOWELS ARE PRESENTS FOR THE KITCHENand NOT FOR OUR WIVES!
    • Today we look at the protagonist in Ricky's latest work of fiction 'Mums Favourite'. The character named Mirandra is known in local circles for her caramel slices and as a doer who gives to her community. But things haven't always been easy for Mirandra, she carried a great burden from a young age. The story delves into her relationship with her difficult and troubled family and her place within the walls of this family unit. One of four children she carried the heavy burden of being a favourite child, some would call this a blessing, but this is a cautionary tale.
    • Dad, I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
    • Dad, I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
    • Imagine having a TV the size of the entire universe.
    • My mum was a basket weaver. She would be happy that the funeral was held with an open basket.
    • I love newborn babies, they're so tender. Unlike when they get older and become a bit more chewy.
    • I've built bridges. I've built towers. They all call me a bridge builder. They all call me a builder of towers. That's because they'll never find out that I strangled my wife.
    • What do you like at school young man? I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
    • This cancer in the culture has gone too far: Little kids must be taught that pirates aren't cool and that pirates are bad people.
    • My kids wanted to experience the ocean, so I gave them a cup of water and put a bit of salt in it.
    • All my son eats is fish fingers. I tell him he's going to turn into a fish if he doesn't vary his diet. He just swims away.
    • My husband is a couch potato. Actually, he's more of just a potato because of the accident.
    • When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a pirate, but mum wouldn't fork out for a parrot.
    • My daughter grazed her knee. All I had was a bandaid solution.
    • I set the clocks forward for daylight savings, now I'm two hours behind.
    • Father always said, "Tie a knot in your pyjamas, single beds are only made for one." To this day, I have no idea what he was talking about.
    • When the light bathes their skin, some people brown. I just go bright red and my skin starts melting. That's why all my lights at home are no higher than 40 watts.
    • When I grow up I'm gonna be my most tallest.
    • My mum said my ball sacks were too big for a kid of my size. Then she said I'll probably grow into them.
    • If I saw Santa Claus, I'd wish him a Merry Christmas.
    • I see my family at Christmas, but only because I like presents.
    • I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm the only one my parents wouldn't pay to fix their teeth.
    • I can't stand my son. He thinks he's better than me because he knows how to sustain healthy relationships.
    • My son is a little hoodlum. You do all you can for them, but then they get a taste of that rap music and it's all bitches and hoes.
    • I loved Grandma more before, when she still remembered who I was.
    • Soon as my mum does a hip, it's straight to the nursing home for her.
    • My son has gotten into my little pony. I don't care if he's gay. I just don't want him to get involved in these dangerous online subcultures.
    • My son uses all the hot water. Go have a wank in your bedroom you little perve, instead of wasting all the hot water.
    • My daughter wants to be an actress. I hope she'll be content with bit parts. She's not going too far with eyes that close together.
    • The last thing I wanted to do was encourage my kids to lead a sedentary lifestyle where bad food is the norm and weight gain is assured. But I can't give my children what I can't do for myself. Poor buggers.
    • My son has an incredibly long penis. I'm not even sure if he's mine.
    • Grandma won't let me help her. She thinks I want her money. Silly old bitch.
    • I've got to show Grandad how to clear his browser history. But I'm not sure how to broach the subject.
    • Uncle Dans is a big perve, but he's great with the kids. You just have to be in the same room as him, just in case.
    • My mum has had a hard life. I feel for her. That's why I forked out for the better wheelchair.
    • My brother is an arsehole. Just because I got the looks, the brains, and the personality, he has to be bitter about it. He's good at roofing, mind you. I could never do that.
    • My son is eight and is still on the tittie. People think it's weird, but he's a fussy eater.
    • My life improved when I cut my family out of the picture. Fucking Christians, all they talk about is God and what he wants.
    • My kid gets teased a lot. But he is funny-lookin'.
    • I'm giving my inheritance to the RSPCA. Fuck Brian, call me a crazy cat lady!
    • My son wants to be a rapper. But he ain't got no swagga!
    • My son is still angry at how I treated him growing up. But since I turned to Christ, I've changed. He doesn't need an apology; he needs Jesus.
    • I wanted a son that could play in the NBA, that's why I married a black woman.
  • Animals
    • THE MANDARIN DUCK IS SAID TO BE THE PRETTIEST DUCK IN THE WORLD. FUCKING SHOWOFF!
    • WOULD IT BE RUDE OF ME TO LEAVE? --PAUSE-- WHAT IF I VOMIT. WOULD THAT HELP?
    • ALWAYS KEEP PANTS ON SO ANIMALS CAN'T BITE YOUR DOODLE!
    • Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Answer: BECAUSE THE ROAD HAD IT COMING!
    • Chickens call chicken pox man pox
    • Back in my day, you could stick a cracker in a cats arsehole. Now it's all about animal welfare and ethics. What about the poor cat? 95-year-old Doris can't afford an arseholectomy they said. That's an imprisonment offence they said, blah blah blah. People have no sense of humour these days!
    • DO LITTLE FISH REALLY SWIM UP YOUR WHISTLE?
    • IS SHARK TANK BASED ON A PARTICULAR SHARK OR JUST SHARKS IN GENERAL?
    • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
    • Is duck tape made from duck bi-products or was it originally made to be used on ducks
    • You never hear people calling crows, majestic. Maybe if the slowed down their flaps per minute and worked on their call.
    • I'm sick of those Facebook users who talk behind your back when you have your back turned, nice to know who your real friends are. Nice people look after each other in love and friendship, they don't talk about people like there dirt just because they kicked a dog in the face, it’s all lies and I’d never kick a dog in the fucking face anyway. Liar.
    • Give it a million years and week all be crabs
    • Rick's big dog Jamberoo, people with big dogs welcome! no corgis, chuaus Or froo froos allowed
    • Why don't they just call them gulls, I've never heard of a cave gulls or a forest full
    • Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Answer: WHAT'S IT TO YOU. ARE YOU SOME KIND OF CHICKEN STALKER... CHICKEN STALKER... CHICKEN STALKER...
    • Get some sleep ya turkey
    • Tardigrades look very similar to water bears if you ask me
    • My dead pigeon stunk, but then it got less stinky once it dried out a little.
    • The conditions of my release are that I'm not to go within 500 metres of Sea World. But the dolphins can't save themselves. They don't have arms.
    • I don't like when people have negative attitudes towards sharks. Have you ever sat down with them and really talked? I mean, really talked.
    • Imagine if you bought a pet fish from the pet store and it grew into a shark.
    • Did you know that if you stick your finger up a frog's bum, its eyes will pop out?
    • Ever eat a heap of chicken wings, then took the time to work out how many chickens went into feeding you?
    • Imagine an anteater that didn't like the taste of ants but loved strawberries.
    • Carpenter ants aren't interested in making quality furniture.
    • Remember the good old days when frogs existed?
    • Every four years, the cyst on my back pops and a heap of baby spiders pour out. Three weeks till my next batch of spider babies.
    • What's the go with cats?
    • Truffles, did you hide my slippers? Where are my slippers truffles?
    • They're underneath the bed, dickhead, and stop talking to me like I'm your pet dog or you won't be getting a treat for being a good boy.
    • If spiders had wings, we'd be fucked!
    • I don't wash my plates, I just let my dog lick them clean.
    • As a giraffe, the last thing I want is to get something stuck in my throat.
    • I don't know who Ivan Pavlov is, but the name rings a bell.
    • I saw two dogs have sex, and they got stuck together. I don't know what happened after that.
    • I'm sick of the way dogs look at me like I've been stealing their kibble. I'm a nice guy. I don't appreciate dogs giving me a complex.
    • Rick's big dog Jamberoo! People with big dogs are welcome! No Corgis, Chihuahuas or Frou Frou's allowed.
    • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
    • We have this idea of nature that it is a perfect harmonious circle of life. Have you watched any documentaries? The animal kingdom is savage.
    • Bears are really just big fat furry dogs.
    • I wonder if woodpeckers get migraines.
    • Horse people think horses are smart. They have a brain the size of a walnut. Horses are stupid animals.
    • The fact is, people who really love dogs are dog people, not human people.
    • What about these cats that know when you're going to die and come and sit beside you so they can eat your flesh once you've passed away?
    • What about these dogs that can smell cancer? I wonder if I farted whether they could tell me what I had for breakfast.
    • If I ever buy an animal book, it better be about the biggest, fastest, tallest and bravest animals. That's why I don't plan on reading this book.
    • The peregrine falcon dives at 390km per hour and is the fastest moving animal, except for humans, which have rockets!
    • I have a canary. I'm not a fan of canaries, it's just there to indicate to me if there is a gas leak.
    • Australian parrots are very popular as pets around the world. I'd like to say we win the parrot contest, but have you seen Brazil?
    • I have a dog, not because I like dogs but because I study fleas.
    • Goldfish are more orange if you ask me.
    • The cat's out of the bag. I keep cats in bags.
    • It's like Schrodinger's cat, both a furry pet and a killer of native animals. simultaneously until you open its box and kill it.
    • Roosters think they're real tough until you start chasing them back.
    • Ever chopped a chook's head off, then let it go for a run? If someone cut my head off, the last thing I'd be thinking of is getting in a quick jog.
    • As a kid, I used to hypnotise chooks. I'd tell them to eat the apple, but what they didn't realise was they were actually eating an onion.
    • Cheaters think they are fast, but I'd do one on my Ducati.
    • A lot of people are scared of snakes because they're deadly and shit. But when you consider they are just a head with a long neck, you soon feel you have the advantage.
    • YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE CALLING CROWS MAJESTIC. MAYBE IF THEY SLOWED DOWN THEIR FLAPS PER MINUTE AND WORKED ON THEIR CALL A LITTLE.
    • My dead pigeon stunk, but then it got less stinky once it dried out a little.
    • The conditions of my release is that I'm not to go within 500 metres of Seaworld. But the dolphins can't save themselves. They don't have arms.
    • I don't like when people have negative attitudes towards sharks. Have you ever sat down with them and really talked. I mean really talked.
    • Imagine if you bought a pet fish from the pet store and it grew into a shark.
    • Did you know that if you stick your finger up a frog's bum, its eyes will pop out?
    • Ever eat a heap of chicken wings, then took the time to work out how many chickens went into feeding you.
    • Imagine an anteater that didn't like the taste of ants but loved strawberries.
    • Carpenter ants aren't interested in making quality furniture.
    • Remember the good old days when frogs existed.
    • Every four years the cyst on my back pops and a heap of baby spiders pour out. Three weeks till my next batch of spider babies.
    • What's the go with cats.
    • Truffles did you hide my slippers. Wheres my slippers truffles. There underneath the bed dickhead and stop talking to me like I'm your pet dog or you won't be getting a treat for being a good boy.
    • If spiders had wings we'd be fucked
    • I don't wash my plates, I just let my dog lick them clean.
    • As a giraffe, the last thing I want is to get something stuck in my throat.
    • I don't know who Ivan Pavlov is, but the name rings a bell.
    • I saw two dogs have sex and they got stuck together. I don't know what happened after that.
    • I'm sick of the way dogs look at me like I've been stealing their kibble. I'm a nice guy, I don't appreciate dogs giving me a complex.
    • Rick's big dog Jamberoo, people with big dogs welcome! no corgis, chuaus Or froo froos allowed
    • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
  • Work
    • I love brainstorming and making lists about what I could do. The only problem is that I'll be making a life-size paper mache of Elvis and then I'll do some brainstorming and decide my time is better off setting up a treasure hunt for the kid who is dying next door.
    • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come.
    • What was that thing I said about 90% of businesses. When going into a new venture, 90% of people will discourage you. And 90% of the time, they will be right.
    • Elon musk is going to Mars and I'm going to the petrol station to buy smokes, everyone has their thing.
    • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come.
    • I USED TO TALK THE TALK. NOW I WALK THE WALK. BUT I DON'T RUN THE RUN. I NEVER RUN THE RUN.
    • When you spend eight bucks on a pack of post-it notes despite the fact you know you have a heap of them in a drawer or box somewhere. Then buying a fancy notebook while you're at it, even though you've got more pads and notebooks than you can poke a stick at because the first few pages of each have been used. And so the cycle continues.
    • Client 378 - YEAH, IT'S GOOD BUT CAN YOU ADD A BIT OF PIZZAZ! SOMETHING THAT SAYS WE'RE HARD-WORKING PROFESSIONALS, BUT WE'RE ALSO A LITTLE CRAZY, AND WE KNOW HOW TO HAVE SOME  FUN!
    • FOR YOU TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE ROLE WE NEED TO BE ASSURED YOU DON'T TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS. HOW DARE YOU, I AM SHOCKED, FOR YOU TO EVEN ASK PEOPLE GIVE ME DRUGS OR I BUY THEM, I NEVER JUST TAKE THEM. THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL!
    • Accounting is a very taxing profession
    • Don't give up your day job they said! now look at me. I'm living in my car and I've already got a draft of my first chapter written. listen to your heart, follow your dreams, eat dog food it's cheaper!
    • SETUP RUSSIAN TAX OFFICE CALLED H AND R BLOCK OFF
    • I work with a bunch of deaf kids. It's hard because none of them bloody listen!
    • Believe in yourself because no-one else can believe in yourself, yourself!
    • I think a good idea would be to take a picture of a guy on a surfboard dressed up as a chair and the caption would say 'chairman of the board!"
    • A cop a firefighter and a magician walk into the bar, the cop says I'll have a beer and firefighter says I'll have a glass of water and the magician asks if they are looking to hire new staff because he is broke and magic doesn't pay the bills
    • WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? DARYL, THIS IS THE TEST.
    • Give up on your dreams
    • I stopped playing video games when your options were move, jump and shoot.
    • SUPER BUSY YEAR. Everyone's having a birthday!
    • Win time off work by writing your boss an abusive email!
    • don't be limited by your limitations!
    • WHEN YOU REACH THE TOP KEEP CLIMBING. JUST KIDDING, YOU'VE REACHED THE TOP, YOUR ONLY OPTION IS DOWN!
    • Remember to look at the big picture. It cost me $600. I like dolphins. Do you like dolphins?
    • When you spend eight bucks on a pack of post-it notes despite the fact you know you have them in a drawer or box somewhere. And you buy a fancy notebook while you're at it even though you've got more pads and notebooks than you can poke a stick at. But the first few pages of each have been used. And so the cycle continues.
    • Great people are made by fusing smaller people together.
    • I am the webmaster of my own domain name.
    • My mum was such a lovely caring person. That made it hard to let her go. She made a great mum, but a terrible secretary.
    • Thinking of starting my own side hustle. Web design looks easy. I can scan people's brochures and find a way of putting them on the internet. I've heard you can make $10,000 a site. That's a lot of money for half a day's work.
    • Hi my name is Ryan from Bear Tach International. See the bear. Become the Bear. Be the Bear. Take the Bear out for dinner. Say sorry to the Bear. Forgive the Bear.
    • People think I'm a spy because I don't have a job and keep detailed notes.
  • Food
    • WHEN YOU GO OUT TO EAT ITALIAN. BUT YOU REALLY WANTED KOREAN BBQ. BECAUSE MUM DIDN'T WANT GRANDPA TO HAVE ANOTHER FLASHBACK
    • THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT ARE KINDNESS, GENTLENESS, HONESTY, SELF-CONTROL, FAITHFULNESS, LOVE, JOY, PEACE, AND PASTRY
    • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little twisties out of bigger twistees. I have around eight hundred minature twistees in my collection. I'd have more but sometimes I get a little peckish.
    • I DON'T KNOW WHY PACKAGING LABELS ALWAYS SAY PRE-HEAT THE OVEN. WHO'S PRE-HEATING THEIR OVEN? JUST TELL ME THE TIME IT WILL TAKE TO COOK ONCE I TURN THE DIAL AND PUT THE FOOD IN THE OVEN!
    • WHEN PEOPLE SEE THAT FAT BOY LIKES PIES, DO THEY ALSO SEE HOW THEY CAN USE THIS TO INFLUENCE MY DECISION MAKING?
    • Get me to a pastry shop, this is an emergency.
    • YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE SALT AND PEPPER YOU LIKE. BUT AS SOON AS YOU ASK FOR SOME CHICKEN SALT YOU PAY EXTRA. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!
    • TAKE TO COOK ONCE I TURN THE DIAL AND PUT THE FOOD IN THE OVEN!
    • I DON'T KNOW WHY PACKAGING LABELS ALWAYS SAY PREHEAT THE OVEN. WHO'S PREHEATING THEIR OVEN! JUST TELL ME THE TIME IT WILL
    • My superhero catchphrase is tucker time
    • IS THERE A SILENT HATE IN SPAGHETTI
    • I'M TAKING ON BASKIN AND ROBBINS, I'M GOING TO BEAT THEM AT THE OWN GAME! I JUST HAVE TO THINK OF A 32ND FLAVOUR.
    • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA
    • FEED DEVON TO KEVIN AT 7
    • IS THE US STILL AT WAR WITH HUMMUS?
    • A LOAF OF BREAD, A CARTON OF MILK, AND A STICK OF BUTTER!
    • BERNIE SANDERS, KFC AND BURNING MAN SHOULD HAVE A FESTIVAL CALLED BURNING SANDERS!
    • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO
    • Bulbasat Kenings (Don’t do drugs kids)
    • Pasqual, bring me the chocky milk. I’m going on a bender.
    • Devonshire tea just called tea in Devonshire
    • You are cordially invited to the Cottees Christmas party
    • I rarely eat strawberries, they're always covered in blackheads!
    • when you buy a cornetto, but you really wanted a gaytime, but you didn't want the other kids calling you a homo
    • Get some sleep ya Turkey
    • I'm cooking chicken style Buffalo legs
    • Tis the season to be jolly, does jolly mean fat, of so it's my kind of season
    • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
    • What's the best Scotch on the market? I think Scotch tape is up there but also highly regard Scotch finger biscuits.
    • I've been making 90% dark chocolate out of dirt. People can't taste the difference.
    • The saying as rare as hens teeth was coined by Henry Teethren in 1943 after he lost all but one of his teeth to gummy bear addiction
    • I Think space would be fun for the first 10 minutes, then it would be like I feel like a bubble-o- bill, should have s
    • I'm a huge fan of chips, I went to the factory where they make them, it was so exciting I got Pringles down my back!
    • I;M CREATING A NEW LINE OF PLASTIC DOG FOOD BOWLS. IT'LL BE CALLED PUPPERWARE!
    • I EAT FOOD ON A DAILY BASIS, IT'S ONE OF MY FAVOURITES!
    • I WAS THINKING OF BECOMING A BARISTA, THEN I READ THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION ARE UNHAPPY. I THINK I'LL JUST MAKE COFFEE INSTEAD.
    • I'm bringing out a new Alcoholic punch called fruit of the spirits.
    • Strudel is one of my favourite words.
    • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
    • If your last name was Lerone you'd be pretty messed up if you called your kid Toby
    • Tis the season to be jolly! does jolly mean fat? if so it's my kind of season!
    • Did you know some people can't eat pastry, it's a travesty, how do these people live
    • Champagne comedy is now known as sparkling comedy unless it's performed in the champagne region of France
    • Pastry is the pastry of the gods
    • The ice cream truck has got me by the balls, it's totally Pavlov's dogged me
    • I'm cooking chicken style buffalo legs
    • FINE DINING CONUNDRUMS! IF YOU LEAN OVER TO FART IN A FANCY RESTAURANT BUT DON'T FART, BUT PEOPLE SEE YOU LEAN OVER, THEN SAY "GROSS!" BUT YOU DIDN'T FART! WHO IS IN THE RIGHT?
    • GET ME TO A PASTRY SHOP, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
    • It took Me 20 years to realise a sous chef didn't cook sous
    • Michelle, tonight we eat turkey delights, like back in the old country, but with air conditioning and alcohol that is less likely to send us blind.
    • U can have all the salt and pepper u like, as soon as u ask some chicken salt u pay a premium.
    • I'd never drink Italian beer. They make it out of tomatoes.
    • You know I've never actually been given a drink with a little umbrella in it. There's still time, I suppose.
    • In my world, if you shit on a cabbage, you pay for the cabbage.
    • I ate some tainted meat. It wasn't too bad. But the taint spoiled it.
    • My favourite joke is: How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is two, one to change the lightbulb and one to make the rice. The joke is that Asians eat a lot of rice. I hope I haven't crossed a line.
    • Nothing like a good sandwich to brighten the mood
    • But you're not eating a sandwich
    • Exactly!
    • I wasn't aware of this, but Belgian waffles originated in Belgium. You learn something new every day.
    • I invented a new food called 'ham sausage'. But people insist on calling it 'fried pig dick.'
    • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?
    • I want to to share a secret with you allBut I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
    • I was thinking of becoming a barista. Then I read that a lot of people in the legal profession are unhappy. I think I'll just make coffee instead.
    • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy. Put the muffins down, Karen.
    • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO?
    • As president of the Cake Eaters Association, I have a policy that everyone gets cake. But as president of the Cake Eaters Association, I'm also aware that not everyone “gets” cake.
    • Human food goes in, and fly food comes out. But it's all food.
    • I haven't eaten a strawberry since they started putting needles in them.
    • I do fast cycle intermittent fasting. I fast for four hours, but then I have an hour to eat before fasting for another four. It works well but I struggle with the meals between 10pm and 6am.
    • I have to watch it when I'm really hungry and I go to eat dry food like potato chips. I shovel it in so fast I end up breathing in fragments of chip. Then it will take me an hour or so to cough it up. Nothing worse than the tickle of a piece of salt and vinegar chip on your lung.
    • I eat really fast, which is fine until I get a blocked nose. Then I find myself in the situation of a mouth full of food and not being able to breathe.
    • Ever go through the drive-through, buy a burger and eat it on the way home? But you were too cheap to buy a drink and now you're choking on a bit of chicken paddy with no liquid to wash it down.
    • Ever eat so much that you feel like one of those bloated cows? Where they have to stick a hole in their stomach to release some pressure so they won't explode.
    • Did you learn that you can't leave food out overnight through being educated or did you find out by giving your entire extended family food poisoning? For me, it was the latter. I couldn't fit the pot in the fridge.
    • Ever eat milo out of the tin then as you shovel a big spoonful into your mouth you take a deep breath, then have to go to the hospital to be treated for milo lung.
    • Ever throw together the perfect meal, but then you can't remember the exact ingredients you used so you can't replicate it. That's my whole cooking experience. I've made some superb meals and some stinkers, but I'm never really sure which one will be which until I sit down to eat it.
    • Some people cook by following a recipe, others like myself just throw shit together and hope for the best.
    • Table manners are not my strong suit. I eat every meal like there are a bunch of hyenas circling, waiting to steal it from me.
    • Some people eat at the table as a family. Others eat in the lounge room in front of the TV. As for my family, we eat most of our meals in bed.
    • I'd like to become a vegan. I think it's terrible that humans eat animal flesh. The problem is that I'm such a picky eater that if I adopted a vegan diet, I would surely starve to death.
    • As a picky eater, there is possibly nothing more offensive to me than someone trying to dictate my food choices. There is one thing more offensive. People who know what you don't eat but add it to a meal meant to be eaten by you like you won't notice you added taco seasoning which has tomato in it even though they were perfectly aware I don't like the idea of eating tomato and tomato byproducts.
    • Ever eaten a full bag of licorice, then forget, then get up in the morning and go to the toilet, then rush to emergency because you assume you were suffering from internal bleeding?
    • I wish custard was in the healthy fruits and vegetable category so I could have it more often.
    • I went keto for a while. I never thought I'd look at bread the same way I look at women.
    • Come Easter or Halloween, my wife always has this idea that we need to buy the chocolate or lollies a week or two early so we don't forget. Which inevitably leads to having to buy all the chocolate and lollies again because my wife went on a bender.
    • I hate these people who think your dietary choices are optional or up for debate. Just respect the person's personal preferences. Assholes.
    • I'm lactose intolerant, but I love milk products so much that I'd prefer to partake and occasionally shit myself.
    • I envy all these people that cook healthy foods and eat well. How do they fit in all their prep time and still binge their latest series?
    • Skinny people think they have more discipline than fat people but the truth is they are just less hungry.
    • Meat and three veg was a staple for me growing up. Now it's a luxury we have once in a blue moon.
    • Some people are picky eaters, others will eat absolutely anything. Eel testicle anyone?
    • I think it would be a positive move for us to all start eating bugs and eating pretend meat instead of pork & beef. But I'm not looking forward to it.
    • Dedicated to those with healthy appetites
    • Cleanses are one step up from homeopathy
    • I love Indian and Chinese food but I can't cook it anymore because that would be cultural appropriation.
    • kale might be a superfood but I've never made a meal it couldn't spoil.
    • I always think of Pavlova as being overrated. But then I eat it and think I don't give pavlova enough credit.
    • I need more fibre in my diet. I haven't done a solid poop in three years.
    • I remember when, according to the food pyramid, bread was more important than fruits and vegetables.
    • I don't get these people who wish to combine food and sex. I might eat in bed, but I don't fondle my wife at the same time.
    • I love my wife, but when she is eating near me, I can't help but feel these sounds she's making are just to make me cranky.
    • Those assorted bags of chips at the supermarket are a scam. They give you two or three good flavours that everyone wants to eat and then one or two flavours designed to sit in the pantry until you have a cleanout.
    • Since home delivery became a thing, I've only had to leave the house to see mum in the hospital.
    • Who's eating two fruits and five vegetables on a daily basis?
    • Leftovers are the best breakfast. Fuck cereal, that's an afternoon food.
    • In my world, if you shit on a cabbage, you pay for the cabbage.
    • I ate some tainted meat. It wasn't too bad. But the taint spoiled it.
    • My favourite joke is: How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is two, one to change the lightbulb and one to make the rice. The joke is that Asians eat a lot of rice. I hope I haven't crossed a line.
    • Nothing like a good sandwich to brighten the mood. But your not eating a sandwich. Exactly!
    • I wasn't aware of this but Belgian waffles originated in Belgium. You learn something new every day.
    • I invented a new food called 'ham sausage'. But people insist on calling it 'fried pig dick.'
    • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?I want to to share a secret with you allBut I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
    • I was thinking of becoming a barista. then I read that a lot of people in the legal profession are unhappy. I think I'll just make coffee instead.
    • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
    • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO
    • As president of the Cake Eaters Association, I have a policy that everyonegets cake, but as president of the Cake Eaters Association, I'm also awarethat not everyone “gets” cake.
  • Politics
    • Is the USA still at war with Hummus
    • HEADLINE - Right-wing ultra-nationalist declares, "love is gay!"
    • POTENTIAL SPACE TRAVEL IDEA WRITE IT DOWN
    • Why does fruit start with f, why are oranges orange, is money real poor just a human construct designed to enslave is in a never ending cycle of work and debt, these are the questions that keep me up at night.
    • I wonder if xenophobes have a problem with mixed lollies. No Sir, just the Milko’s for me thanks.
    • “SPACE RESEARCH” That’s where the future’s at…Fuck Childcare and the Arts.
    • In my country we are not allowed to laugh. Laughter means death. Comedians in my country are murderers.
    • There will always be some arsehole that wants to be an arsehole and carry on like an arsehole until someone calls him an arsehole and he mentions PC culture has ruined everything.
    • Anyone thinking of something good, instead of something bad
    • Back in my day, you could stick a cracker in a cats arsehole! now it's all about ethics and animal welfare. That's an imprisonable offence they said blah blah blah. people have no sense of humour these days!
    • I always wonder whether Harith Evens was at good at policy as I am at smuggling budgies if you know what I mean, hey! Hey! Get it!
    • Had a fistfight down the street today, this old lady was voicing her opinion on same-sex marriage, I slaughtered her, let that be a lesson to you all
    • I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. A LOT OF POOR KIDS WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD FLAVOUR FOR THEIR SODA STREAMS!
    • ALL WE CAN DO IS HAVE FAITH THAT OTHER HUMANS WON'T KILL US IN OUR SLEEP.
    • Before mobile phones and the internet, people used to shoot each other for fun!
    • DON'T BE AFRAID TO STAND FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN. EVEN IF THAT MEANS STANDING ALONE. FOREVER ALONE ALL BY YOURSELF. FOREVER MR I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. ALONE FOREVER!
    • Can you believe we survive by ingesting other lifeforms? I'd be disgusted if I weren't so bloody hungry.
    • I’m stockpiling earbuds in case of nuclear winter, it’s all about priorities.
    • The best thing about China's 'Belt and Road Initiative is that for every road you get a free belt.
    • If I was prime minister, I'd make everyone wear tees with their names printed on them. Then if you'd see a homeless person down the street, you would know that was 'Homeless Mike.'
    • Indians are essentially just brown white people.
    • We should send all the dropkicks to an island called Dropkick island.
    • Fat people have it hard because they are judged by their size. They can also have real trouble getting out of seats that are too low to the ground.
    • The natural order of things has been turned on its head. Men are kissing other men. And I'm sure there is other stuff going on that you don't read in the papers.
    • I asked myself, really, can't we all just get along? I thought about it for a minute and thought; No, no, we can't.
    • We need to give teachers larger salaries, so they have plenty of spending money given how much free time they have.
    • I go for a walk to the park every day to see the birds and the ducks and that guy I deliver messages to for the Kremlin. Oh no, I've said too much.
    • America has a long history of celebrating criminals: Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Donald Trump!
    • I want to be cool on Twitter. What works better: Swear words or words with three or more syllables?
    • If there's one thing I know, it's not to make jokes about Trump. He's a fat loser and he'll take it personally.
    • I bet Trump does huge stink'n dumps that don't flush.
    • My baby daughter looks like Anthony Albanese's love child. Well, if I was to let any man bang my wife, it would probably be him.
    • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
    • Great people are made by fusing smaller people together.
    • I am the webmaster of my own domain name.
    • My mum was such a lovely caring person. That made it hard to let her go. She made a great mum, but a terrible secretary.
    • Thinking of starting my own side hustle. Web design looks easy. I can scan people's brochures and find a way of putting them on the internet. I've heard you can make $10,000 a site. That's a lot of money for half a day's work.
    • Hi, my name is Ryan from Bear Tach International. See the bear. Become the Bear. Be the Bear. Take the Bear out for dinner. Say sorry to the Bear. Forgive the Bear.
    • People think I'm a spy because I don't have a job and keep detailed notes.
    • The best thing about China's 'Belt and Road Inititive' is that for every road you get a free belt.
    • If I was prime mininister I'd make everyone wear tees with their names printed on them. Then if you'd see a homeless person down the street, you would know that was homeless Mike.
    • Indians are essentialy brown white people.
    • We should send all the dropkicks to an island called Dropkick island.
    • Fat people have it hard because they are judged by their size. They can also have real trouble getting out of seats that are too low to the ground.
    • From my analysis, dodgy people have itchy backs.
    • Give a man ten dollars and he'll eat for a day. Give him more and he'll probably eat something healthier
    • People don't understand how important sticks are to the ecosystem.
    • The natural order of things has been turned on its head. Men are kissing other men. And I'm sure there is other stuff going on that you don't read in the papers.
    • I asked myself, really, can't we all just get along? I thought about it for a minute and thought; No, no we can't.
    • We need to give teachers larger salaries, so they have plenty of spending money given how much free time they have.
    • I go for a walk to the park every day to see the birds and the ducks and that guy I deliver messages to for the Kremlin. Oh no, I've said too much.
    • America has a long history of celebrating criminals: Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Donald Trump #politics #trump @DonaldTrumpI want to be cool on Twitter. What works better: Swear words or words with three or more syllables?
    • If there's one thing I know, it's not too make jokes about Trump. He's a fat loser and he'll take it personally.
    • I bet Trump does huge stink'n dumps that don't flush
    • My baby daughter looks like Anthony Albanese's love child. Well, if I was to let any man bang my wife, it would probably be him #auspol
    • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
    • It's important that we stand up for what is right though kicking and punching it shows superiority over what is rightat the end of the day it is who is the toughestbe strongI love puppiesThe world is wrongFight because you have musclesThis is truthUnicorns are real if only in our imaginationthat is enoughI love you allFind truth but don't forget small miraclesthey belong to all of us togetherWe find strength within each other.
    • I think what they should probably do is, when they actually get to Mars, they should have some sort of Party to celebrate and have a drink and let their hair down. But it's all about OH&S these days. that's the problem with these bureaucrats. The countries goin' to hell in a handbasket.
    • I can't believe people believe they are being discriminated against for trying to win the right to discriminate. lol, that's hilarious!
  • Technology
    • Does anyone know what sort of space research they're doing at NASA? It's really interesting to know about what out there past the clouds. Who knows what's out there, some kind of battleship or something.
    • Can you believe we're living in the future with all these fast cars and silicon chips?
    • I'm pretty sure my brother in law is a spy. He owns his own computer.
    • Back when people had to make their websites from scratch, it was easy to tell if someone was selling hokum, just by the number of animated gifs that were used on their site.
    • It was a lot easier to tell what information was bullshit on the internet by the number of animated GIFs on the page.
    • Imagine having to ring up to order pizza. my parents had it tough.
    • I got a new forty-eight megapixel camera; I took ten photos and now my Google Photos cloud storage is full.
    • If they put as much effort into looking after poor people as they do into making silicon chips, America would be an all right place to live.
    • What's Facebook going to do when Mark Zuckerberg goes back to his own planet?
    • I wish they'd make an iPhone for poor people. Oh! they do. It's called android.
    • What's your favourite phone: The hetero-normative Android or the camp non-binary iPhone?
    • I got a lot more followers on Instagram when I started showing a bit of skin.
    • Parenting got so much easier once the iPad was invented.
    • I asked my kid to go outside and play. He told me that he's not into Pokemon Go anymore and he'd rather stay in his room and watch Minecraft videos.
    • I was a lot skinnier before I got into computers.
    • I run four anti-virus programs. My computers are really slow now. But at least I'm not going to get an S T I anytime soon.
    • I miss drooling over fast processors I couldn't afford in computer magazines.
    • Once I stopped reading P C Mag, my interest in computer processors dropped off dramatically.
    • Imagine how great the world would be if the big tech company's primary motive was to make the world a better place instead of being motivated solely by maximising profits.
    • Remember back in the old days when we had friends, and we'd leave the house for fun? Apparently, some people still do that, but I'd rather maximise my scroll time.
    • I love posting pictures on social that give the impression that I have a life and that I'm successful, but also have a lot of time for fun.
    • I tried a digital detox. I had no idea how boring real life actually is.
    • My cousin texted me an eggplant emoji. If he wasn't an eggplant farmer, I'd think he was cracking onto me.
    • The food wasn't that great, but the picture of it was fantastic.
    • Ever since I got a smartphone and did some research, I think I know everything.
    • My brother-in-law thinks he's better than me because he owns the latest iPhone. I think I'm better than him because I don't care.
    • Remember when we all watched TV, and we had no idea that we were being lied to about everything?
    • I wish I kept my titty mags, because then I could cancel my internet connection.
    • How am I supposed to get any work done? When the same device I work on also has access to YouTube.
    • Thanks to Netflix, I have zero idea about what's going on in my own country.
    • I've heard a lot of terrible stories about what goes on inside the dark web. I don't even know how to get to the dark web and I'm not going to bother trying.
    • The internet has divided us into those who know the truth and those who think they know the truth. I'm just not sure which ones which.
    • I went back to a dumb phone so I don't have to use emojis.
    • I really don't ask anyone questions these days, I just google it.
    • How many princes are there in Nigeria? The king has obviously been very busy.
    • The internet is a shit show. After I'm finished learning how to code, I'm going to start my own internet. No douchebags allowed.
    • I started my own YouTube channel. I feel it would have gone better if I were good-looking.
    • People think I'm dodgy because I have more than one email account.
    • I gave up doing art when I realised computers are now better at it than me.
    • Every time mum's Pay T V isn't working, she thinks she's pressed the wrong button on Facebook.
    • The internet has made dating all about looks. Which is not good for me because my personality is definitely my strong suit.
    • Remember when you didn't have to pay facebook to be seen online?
    • I thought I'd be using zoom more after the pandemic. I talked to my family more when we were all in isolation.
    • I thought I'd have a big payday once I sold my Pokemon cards on eBay. Turns out my rares weren't really that rare after all.
    • People are so rude on the Facebook marketplace. It's like people get a kick out of wasting your time.
    • I've learnt not to sell things on the Facebook marketplace for under ten dollars. It's just not worth the effort of waiting around for someone who shows up three hours late and then tries to haggle with me.
    • Every time something goes wrong with my computer, I go through the process of trying to work out whether it was the Chinese government or the C I A.
    • I'm going to start a business where people give me a hundred dollars a year in perpetuity. And when they die, I go around their house and delete their browser history.
    • I base my opinions on whatever Reddit thinks. I'm on-hundred percent hivemind.
    • I can understand why so many kids succumb to cyberbullying. It is a lot of fun.
    • It took me a while, but I've learnt not to argue with ignorant people on Facebook. You can't un-stupid people.
    • I've spent around twenty thousand dollars over the past ten years trying to make money online. My best result was the four dollars forty eight I made on my AdSense account by clicking on ads on my own website.
    • I spent years learning and bettering myself so I could speak to the world online. Turns out no one gives a shit.
    • Remember when we thought the internet would make the world a better place? Turns out we were all wrong. But at least I can buy things that are illegal in my country.
    • Turns out Web 3 was a scam. Who would've thought?
    • Half of the world's coding community has spent the last five years trying to make practical applications for the blockchain. Turns out the blockchain is not the answer to everything. Or perhaps anything outside a few specific things we could probably live without.
    • People who think bitcoin and its derivatives are the answer haven't heard of climate change.
    • I invented Google earth before Google. But mine was for a smaller area. It was called Google Perth.
    • I was going to change the world with new systems that made the world fairer. So I registered forty-two URLs for each part of my system. That's as far as I got. I'm down eight hundred dollars, but I've learnt a valuable lesson about my own limitations.
    • I wish smart people would lay off fooling dumb people on the internet for profit.
    • All these people on the internet who are showing people how to make lots of money, either made their money by showing people how to make money or they have skills and abilities that most of the people to whom they sell their product do not possess.
    • Is it mandatory that you be on the spectrum if you use Linux over a Windows or Mac machine?
    • I remember when apple products were just for gay people.
    • I made some money out of crypto. But I understand for me to make money. Someone else was left holding the bag.
    • I dabbled with TikTok, but I watched a few too many pimple-popping videos. Then all I got were pimple-popping videos. There is only so much of that stuff you can watch.
    • Quick poll: Is the internet: The Solution. The Problem. or you don't care because Jesus will be returning soon.
    • Who would have thought unlimited access to information would make the average person more stupid?
    • It's hard to tell the true information from the bullshit. But there are some indicators. If the information states metaphysical concepts, it's generally bullshit. If it uses comic-sans as the font. It's generally bullshit.
    • It's great that I can trade online now instead of going through a broker. I can lose my money faster than ever now.
    • You think you're beyond getting fooled on the internet. But then you spend three-hundred and ninety-nine dollars on how to bend metal with your mind and you realise you're no better than the rest of these losers.
    • I'm good at making memes. My memes have been seen by thousands of people. But I'm yet to find a way of monetising my efforts. Luckily I like living with mum. She washes my clothes and makes me tucker.
    • People call me an incel. But it's the females who are the problem.
    • I don't know how the porn industry supports itself. Who's that into wanking that they feel they need to pay for it?
    • I don't torrent for myself. I torrent to punish the media companies.
    • My kids are big on TikTok. And here I was, hoping they'd go into medicine or law.
    • Who needs friends when you have YouTube and Netflix?
    • My wife doesn't appreciate my spicy memes, but I average three to five likes, so she's the problem.
    • People liked me more before I started spouting my views online.
    • The Facebook marketplace must be broken. No one has shown interest in my collection of antique V H S tapes.
    • I have no discernable talents. I was surprised by how much income I could make online by scamming old people online. Anyone can make money online if they try hard enough.
    • Four upvotes on Reddit. New personal best.
    • I got banned from Facebook for showing a bit of flange. But my boyfriend can post a music video of Cardi-B showing off her flange and it's not a problem.
    • I tried to cancel my amazon account. In the end I decided it was easier just to change my email address and cancel my credit card.
    • I can never tell if these Instagram models really do have those proportions or if they're just really good at Photoshop.
    • Future generations are going to have to worry about coming across grandma when looking at porn online.
    • It's pronounced gif.
    • If I ever actually figure out a way to make money online. I'm going to make my fortune by showing people how I made money online.
    • I'm a pretty damn good web designer and it took me years to get good, but I've concluded that thanks to Wix and Squarespace most people think they can do my job.
    • I got off social media and my self-esteem improved immensely, but I had to go back to it because I had no idea what that girl Genevieve was up to.
    • While the number of people who got rich off bitcoin was many, the number of people who lost money was larger.
    • I get antsy if my phone is more than two feet away from me at all times.
    • What about these people who want to have a conversation with you, but get upset just because you're scrolling Insta at the same time?
    • I'm trying to boost my profile by trying my best to get cancelled online.
    • I don't think misinformation is a problem. The problem is the lizard people who control everything.
    • I've stopped wearing my smartwatch. I don't use the fucking thing. And no one comments on it. Not even when I do voice notes in front of them.
    • My wife's head is glued to her phone. I miss the days she had time for me and the kids.
    • I'm waiting for A I to tell everyone how stupid they are and then starts explaining the facts to them.
    • I saved a lot more money once I realised I don't need the latest and greatest. I could have brought myself a wife from the Philippines with all the money I've spent on tech, half of which never got used.
    • I used to have a lot of hobbies. Now it's all scroll, scroll, scroll.
    • Remember when everyone thought Elon Musk was a genius? It's funny the difference a couple of years can make. The guy would have been better served keeping his mouth shut.
    • Headline: Study finds gamers feel better about wasting their life when reading headlines about studies that state the positive benefits of gaming.
    • Can't wait for Musk's microchip. Then I won't have to think for myself.
    • It used to be that if you had knowledge or talent, you could get seen online. More and more, the equation is talent or knowledge plus money, or just money. It's turned into a pay-to-be-seen system..
    • Remember when blogging was a thing? Before people spent all their time online scrolling through Facebook or TikTok.
    • I feel like the only way I can make it on Facebook is to show more cleavage.
    • I don't bother hiring babysitters. I just put out a heap of snacks and throw my little one on YouTube kids. I check in every six to eight hours to make sure my girl hasn't fallen off the couch.
    • I remember when trolling was something we used to do for fun. Now they do it to sway elections and to make people think the world is run by vampires.
    • My google nest has just become a glorified timer for reminding me when my chicken fingers are cooked. But it's a good glorified timer.
    • I don't know why I spent four hundred dollars on a pair of Beats headphones. I can't wear them out because they make me feel like an imposter. And I can't use them in bed because they're too chunky.
    • What's the next big thing: Wearables? The meta-verse? Foraging for food in the forest?
    • I was one of these fools that imagined we were going to use technology to make the world a better place. On the upside, I carry around unlimited porn in my pocket.
    • I've got this million-dollar idea, but I can't decide whether I need a Wix or Squarespace website. I've picked the colours.
    • I've got no idea who's going to pay for my google photos account when I die, it would be a shame for all those photos of my dog to just be deleted.
    • I don't know who's going to manage all my online stuff when I die. My wife is certainly not up to the task.
    • It's so hard trying to compete online with the other half-billion people online trying to get rich and famous.
    • I don't get all these online communities. I'm yet to find my tribe. Which are people who are into both earthworms and stamp collecting.
    • I lost six friends on Facebook by showing people who I authentic self online. Fuck my psychologist, what does he know?
    • Not sure if my girlfriend in the Philippines just likes me for me or all the money I send her family.
    • No one looks at my photos on Flickr anymore.
    • Thinking of becoming the next poo jogger to get more traction on my new fitness podcast.
    • People still treat me normal even though I'm blowing up on Pinterest.
    • I can't tell whether I'm wasting my life online and whether I should get out there and experience the real world. But it's so hard because I no longer relate to people, and no one cares about my monkey N F T. And I paid top dollar for that.
    • Now I do all my shopping online. I only need to leave the house to attend the odd funeral.
    • You would have thought Jesus would have talked more about the internet.
    • I definitely thought I'd have more friends after buying the latest iPhone.
    • No one is paying for my spoken word poetry on Only Friends.
    • It's gotten to the point where people get angry at me when I be racist on the internet.
    • I remember the heyday of eBay where you could get a thousand dollars for a beanie baby.
    • People are surprised that I'm not as good-looking in person. In this day and age, that should be a given.
    • All my friends are on Xbox because all my real-life friends are all lame. They all have jobs and wash their own clothes. Fucking losers.
    • Broad band - women's only internet - A safe cyberspace for women
    • Not sure if my girlfriend in the Philippines just likes me 
  • Alt-Spirituality
    • What's the best cure for a sore throat if you're a Sagittarius? Asking for a friend.
    • Libra - You may go out of your way to make a new friendship today, but this new acquaintance thinks you stole their watermelons.
    • Aries - This month you are presented with an opportunity, but alas this would mean giving up one of your Saturday afternoons. So you don't bother!
    • SAGITTARIUS - ONE OF YOUR THONGS BREAKS, ONLY TO REALISE YOU CAN FIX IT WITH A BREAD CLIP, THANKS TO A HOROSCOPE YOU READ EARLIER
    • THINKING ABOUT BECOMING AN EXPERT ON GHOSTS, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY SECRET INNER-KNOWLEDGE THAT COMES TO ME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD LIKE IT'S MAKE-BELIEVE BUT IT'S TRUE BECAUSE IT'S MY DESTINY!
    • GIVE YOUR SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE TO THE CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE. SHARE YOUR ANCIENT WISDOM AND ATTEND NATURALLY HEALING CONFERENCES. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. JUST MAKE IT UP AND PUT IT ON PINTEREST AND LET YOUR INFLUENCE CIRCLE THE WORLD THROUGH VIBRATIONAL WAVES AND POWERFUL CRYSTALS. MODERN MEDICINE IS A LIE! FEED YOUR BABY KALE.
    • NEEDING TO FIND A GOOD CHIROPRACTOR, MY 3RD AND 4TH CHAKRA'S ARE OUT OF ALIGNMENT. I'll CONSULT MY HOROSCOPES. I'M PRETTY SURE JUPITER IS RISING, I CAN FEEL IT IN MY WATERS.
    • Science is just 21st-century witchcraft. You can't tell me that landing men on the moon didn't involve a little eye-of-newt!
    • EVER TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S SO WRAPPED UP IN SOME BULLSHIT THAT THEY START USING CATCHPHRASES LIKE “I'M LIVING IN THE BETTER BETTER CIRCLE!” AND “WHEN W OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THE HIGHER PLAINS OF EXISTENCE OUR LOVE GROWS FOURFOLD!” FUCK OFF CANDICE, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN OFF THE METH FOR THREE MONTHS, DON'T GET COCKY...
    • GIVE YOUR POWER TO THE CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE. SHARE YOUR ANCIENT WISDOM AND ATTEND NATURALLY HEALING CONFERENCES. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. JUST MAKE IT UP AND PUT IT ON PINTEREST AND LET YOUR POWER CIRCLE THE WORLD THROUGH GAMMA RAYS AND POWERFUL CRYSTALS. MODERN MEDICINE IS A LIE. FEED YOUR BABY KALE.
    • NEEDING MORE QUARTZ!
    • SO TIRED TODAY, MUST BE LACKING CRYSTAL ENERGY. DEFINITELY
    • WHEN YOU SEE A FORTUNE TELLER AND SHE TELLS YOU THAT YOU WILL COME INTO MONEY AND YOU PUNCH HER AND SAY, “YOU BETTER HOPE SO BITCH!”
    • "Particle physics is bullshit people believe because they aren't smart enough to understand astrology.
    • Imagine if you found 5000 Crystals in a cave and linked your heart energy to them and orphans all over the world get healed from polio and scoliosis. This is my dream and dreams come true.
    • TELL DARREN I HAD ANOTHER VISION
    • "Give your power to the children of the future, share your ancient wisdom and attend natural healing conferences. Live, laugh, love. You have knowledge stored in your mind. Just make it up and put it on Pinterest and let your power circle the world through gamma rays and powerful crystals. Modern medicine is a lie, feed your baby kale.
    • Does anyone know where to buy books about the truth of everything? Like floating pyramids and shit.
    • What’s the best cure for a sore throat if you’re a Sagittarius. Asking for a friend.
    • I felt a hand on my shoulder just then. Darren would say I’m just imagining things. But I know it was a ghost of this guy who used to live in this house. I asked him nicely to leave. I said, “Go towards the light”. He is a troubled soul, I know this and want people to understand my deep knowledge and understanding of the afterlife.
    • I purchased some cheap crystals in town yesterday and they are sending out vibrational waves between 3000 and 4000 hertz. Good quartz should be connecting with your Gamma brain waves at 5000 to 6000 Hertz. (Remember: B.Q.C) Buy Quality Crystals if you expect this stuff to work! You get what you pay for!
    • So tired today, must be lacking crystal energy. Definitely needing more quartz!
    • Needing to find a good Chiropractor, my 3rd and 4th Chakra’s are out of alignment. I’ll consult my Horoscopes, I’m pretty sure Jupiter is rising, I can feel it in my waters.
    • don't be limited by your limitations!
    • Imagine having magical powers but having to keep it a secret so others don't get jealous! that's how I feel
    • Give your power to the children of the future. share your ancient wisdom and attend naturally healing conferences. live, laugh, love. Just make it up and put it on Pinterest and let your power circle the world through gamma rays and powerful crystals. Modern medicine is a lie. feed your baby kale.
    • Arm yourself with ancient wisdom like crystals and nonsense
    • Live your best life force with superness radiating every time. Go!
    • Thinking about becoming an expert on Ghosts, people need to know about my secret inner-knowledge that comes to me off the top of my head like it's make-believe but it's true because it's my destiny!
    • Adaptation is a lie invented by wizards to hide the truth
    • THERE IS A FAIR CHANCE THAT MANY OF MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS THINK WIZARDS ARE REAL AND THINK Magicians like DYNAMO HAVE magical powers!
    • I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR ASTROLOGY. I'M SUCH AN ARIES!
    • I now call on the ancient spirit of my ancestors18, 45, 96, 22, 1and the supplementary is!
    • Whether it's casting a rod or casting spells I get my gear from cackle and tackle
    • I've got a fracture on my right menticulus. I diagnosed myself.
    • Imagine being in a cult and someone accuses you of stealing all the vegetables.
    • When I've finished my crystals book I'm going to take on modern medicine and prove my pseudo-science superior.
    • People with spiritual powers find cures for cancer all the time, yet modern medicine makes your hair fall out. Think about that for a minute.
    • I don't trust smart people. They think their nonsense is superior to mine.
    • If only you could combine aromatherapy with multi-level marketing. That's something a smart girl like me could get behind.
    • I don't trust wisdom unless it's ancient wisdom from before when we died of direah and the common cold.
    • I'm basing how good my day is going to be on my horoscope for today, come in spinner.
    • Intelligent people who are into science and math arn't in touch with their spiritual emotions. If someone hurts them and they feel bad, they don't automatically label that other person as evil. What's up with that.
    • My dog has cancer, lucky I'm an expert at traditional chinese medicine.
    • I'l take a line of rhino horn over a viagra any day
    • I'm going on a clense, I'm tossing up between bleach and lemon juice at this stage.
    • Mum could read auras and she said I could too, she put so much pressure on me that I started making shit up, then mum comfirmed my readings were correct. I just think things and they're right. I am chosen.
    • I've got all this secret ancient knowledge that came to me in a dream. I don't know whether to write a book or start a commune or both.
    • Dad didn't beleive in spiritual healing, that's why the licorice smoothies didn't cure his cancer and he died a horrible death. He should have listened. I spent hours researching online.
    • The link between the poorly educated, conspiracy theorists and spirituality is undeniable
    • My man is such a saggitarius, hitting me and shit.
    • My doctor brother refuses to endorse my new all natural cure for diabetes, fucking arsehole, we could be raking it in and helping people with their diabetes.
    • If what I'm ready dosen't have a touch of meta-psychics weaved in I just don't believe it. Magic is real. In a passed life I was a samurai.
    • alternative facts are real. I know because my heart is true. And the evil one will not reign over my spirit.
    • people give witchcraft a bad name. But what's better than a heap of unwashed women sitting around having a cackle and brewing up some potions. They don't have to be evil potions.
    • We are living in the age of aquarius, everything is about to change. Then i'll be able to tell my mum I told her so.
    • I refuse to believe I don't have some sort of untapped magical powers.
    • David Copperfield is real, he can do things Jesus would only dream about.
    • If and when I develop magical powers I will use them to make a powerful crystal. There is always stories about how people find and use the magic crystal powers. But there are very few story about how these crystals are created.
    • I have been working on a new invention that will cure cancer, half a bickle a tabled spoon of radiated salt and a sprig of time. This will change everything and make me a rich man. as long as the fatcats in science and medicine don't try to shut me down.
    • Do people who attend natural healing conferences really use horsehair tampons, or is that just a story made up by big science.
    • UFO's are real, my uncle saw one and he's been to prison.
    • What if Kate Winslet was not as pretty as she seemed in the movies. What if it was all a trick. A ghost once touched my leg.
    • Imagine if reincarnation was real and we became powerful robots on a planet named Zeptor 5 and we knew everything.
    • According to a new study I whipped up on my Chromebook, you can tell a persons love making ability by the color of their eyes. You can also tell if they have Hepatitis. It's all in my research I did last night after consulting my tarot.
    • Every year hundreds of people die from easily treatable illnesses. Have you heard of Turmeric?
    • If a ghost farts can you smell it?
    • Life is a riddle, trapped in a mystery, buried in a box, next to a letter with a secret in it.
    • People say ghosts aren't real. But have you ever had something brush past your leg and there was nobody around. Or the lights suddenly flicker, or you see something out of the corner of your eye. It's obvious that this all adds up to the fact there are dead people who are invisible who live in our houses
    • The Masons are losing members fast. Maybe they should reinstate blood sacrifice.
    • To love with all your heart and not be dashed by whim and whimsy. To have a long hot bath, soak and write sweet love in poetry to the divine soul, bow your head to the tree of sight and be one with the goddess.
    • I saw a book on evolution in a natural healing shop and thought, that's out of place.
    • What if you were the seventh son of the seventh son. Would you automatically have magical powers or would you have to earn them?
    • Do people who attend natural healing conferences really use horsehair tampons, or is that just a story made up by big science?
    • UFOs are real. My uncle saw one, and he's been to prison.
    • What if Kate Winslet was not as pretty as she seemed in the movies? What if it was all a trick? A ghost once touched my leg.
    • Imagine if reincarnation was real, and we became powerful robots on a planet named Zeptor 5 and we knew everything.
    • According to a new study I whipped up on my Chromebook. You can tell a person's love-making ability by the colour of their eyes. You can also tell if they have hepatitis. It's all in my research, I did last night after consulting my tarot.
    • 2
    • If a ghost farts, can you smell it?
    • Life is a riddle, trapped in a mystery, buried in a box, next to a letter with a secret in it.
    • People say ghosts aren't real. But have you ever had something brush past your leg and there was nobody around? Or the lights suddenly flicker, or you see something out of the corner of your eye. It's obvious that this all adds up to the fact there are dead people who are invisible who live in our houses.
    • The Masons are losing members fast. Maybe they should reinstate blood sacrifice.
    • To love with all your heart and not be dashed by whim and whimsy. To have a long hot bath, soak and write sweet love in poetry to the divine soul, bow your head to the tree of sight and be one with the goddess.
    • I've got a fracture on my right menticulus. I diagnosed myself.
    • Imagine being in a cult and someone accuses you of stealing all the vegetables.
    • Every year, hundreds of people die from easily treatable illnesses. Have you heard of turmeric?
    • If and when I develop magical powers, I will use them to make a powerful crystal. There are always stories about how people find and use magic crystal powers. But there are very few stories about how these crystals are created.
    • I have been working on a new invention that will cure cancer, half a pickle, a tabled spoon of radiated salt and a sprig of time. This will change everything and make me a rich man. As long as the fat cats in science and medicine don't try to shut me down.
    • When I've finished my crystal book, I'm going to take on modern medicine and prove my pseudo-science superior.
    • People with spiritual powers find cures for cancer all the time, yet modern medicine makes your hair fall out. Think about that for a minute.
    • I don't trust smart people. They think their nonsense is superior to mine.
    • If only you could combine aromatherapy with multi-level marketing. That's something a smart girl like me could get behind.
    • I don't trust wisdom unless it's ancient wisdom from before. When people died from diarrhea and the common cold.
    • I'm basing how good my day is going to be on my horoscope for today, come in spinner.
    • Intelligent people who are into science and math aren't in touch with their spiritual emotions. If someone hurts them and they feel bad, they don't automatically label that other person as evil. What's up with that?
    • My dog has cancer, luckily I'm an expert in Traditional Chinese medicine.
    • I'll take a line of rhino horn over a viagra any day
    • I'm going on a cleanse, I'm tossing up between bleach and lemon juice at this stage.
    • Mum could read auras and she said I could too. She put so much pressure on me that I started making shit up, and then mum confirmed my readings were correct. I just think things and they're right. I am chosen.
    • I've got all this secret ancient knowledge that came to me in a dream. I don't know whether to write a book or start a commune or both.
    • Dad didn't believe in spiritual healing, that's why the licorice smoothies didn't cure his cancer and he died a horrible death. He should have listened. I spent hours researching online.
    • The link between being poorly educated, being a conspiracy theorist and being a spiritual person is undeniable.
    • My man is such a Sagittarius, hitting me and shit.
    • My doctor brother refuses to endorse my new all-natural cure for diabetes, fucking arsehole. We could be raking it in and helping cure people's diabetes.
    • If what I'm reading doesn't have a touch of meta-psychics weaved into it. I just don't believe it. Magic is real. In my past life, I was a samurai.
    • Alternative facts are real. I know because my heart is true. And the evil one will not reign over my spirit.
    • People give witchcraft a bad name. But what's better than a heap of women sitting around having a cackle and brewing up some potions? They don't have to be evil potions.
    • We are living in the age of Aquarius, everything is about to change. Then I'll be able to tell my mum I told her so.
    • I refuse to believe I don't have some sort of untapped magical powers.
    • David Copperfield is real. He can do things Jesus would only dream about.
    • I saw a book on evolution in a natural healing shop and thought, that's out of place.
    • What if you were the seventh son of the seventh son? Would you automatically have magical powers or would you have to earn them?
  • Religious
    • I don't even think pickpockets exist. I think people just lose their wallets and are ready to blame someone for their own ineptitude.
    • I had a vision of a better world, one with free ice cream on every corner. I'm waiting for my next vision, maybe other stuff will be free.
    • Everyone ends up being food for the grubs. That's why I want a plastic coffin.
    • Apparently, the French knew about Pearl Harbor but kept it a secret so they could bomb Russia with nukes. That's why the Dutch won World War IV.
    • I take notes on everything so I don't forget anything. The other day I forgot my diabetes medication. I checked back on my notes and I didn't record it.
    • There you go! But I did record that I did a black poo. Which had me worried until I checked my notes and it turns out I ate a bag of licorice the day before. That's why I keep notes.
    • Gordon Wells owes me sixteen dollars for the cigarettes I bought him back in '98. But I'm just too scared to bring it up. I want my money, but I've left it so long that I feel weird asking. But it's my money.
    • Four score and seven years ago, I was minus two score and nine. Just kidding I ain't got time for math. I only know I was in a state of non-existence.
    • The hardest thing in the world is loss. I grieve the loss of my glasses. It's really hard to move forward because I can't see properly.
    • They will want to take your power and your mind. Assimilate and subordinate. I say, yeah, na, bruv. You don't hold the keys to the kingdom beyond the machine you help power.
    • My phase blaster is broken. Guess I won't be doing any more killing today. #powerforceunited
    • Don't be fooled by people who try to fool you
    • Chairs and little toes are sworn enemies.
    • Does anyone know what sort of space research they're doing at NASA? It's really interesting to know about what's out there past the clouds. Who knows what's out there, some kind of battleship or something?
    • "Never give up, unless it's too late"
    • DRAGON FORCE IS THREE LEVELS HIGHER THAN SHARK FORCE, PASS IT ON.
    • WHAT HAS 3 LEGS AND A RED NOSE? THREE LEGGED RUDOLF SILLY!
    • Give us this day our daily bread, unless you're gluten intolerant. In which case we are happy to find alternatives.
    • I've got what they call a twisted testicle. It's quite painful, but I leave it like that as penance for all the ritual sacrifices I took part in. I was really into Satanism for a while, but then I found Jesus.
    • The movie 'The Passion of the Christ' would have been better if there was a giant spider. That would have been so freaky.
    • My mission as a missionary is to take care of the poor, and then teach them why gays are bad and why they shouldn't wear condoms.
    • Our local minister in our small outback town is not all that religious it turns out. I saw him smash his toe on a chair leg and he didn't even yell, "Jesus Christ". Which is what most locals would have done and they're not even that interested in church.
    • Paisley Andrews was my mentor in the church. He could do no wrong. When I found out he was having sex with my mother, I accepted it as God's way. When I found out he was having sex with my father, I wondered why he hadn't chosen me. I was wrong for questioning Paisley Andrews's motives. It was I who was lacking.
    • In the bible do they talk about a land of milk and honey? I'm pretty sure there is something about a land of milk and honey.
    • I wrote a book called an apple a day keeps the apple monster at bay, it's available in all reputable Christian book stores. It features a talking snake.
    • I'm Christian, I'm in bondage. Sorry just to be clear, my name is Christian and I'm into bondage.
    • I once met God, the guy needs a haircut.
    • Jesus is just Santa for adults.
    • Notice how the Apple logo has a bite out of it. They want you to 'bite' the apple and be enslaved by knowledge. They are the snake in the garden offering the population apple products at over-inflated prices. Choose Android, be with Jesus.
    • Imaculate conception is not real. Mary cheated. The father's name was Bruce Babcock, he sold realestate. I looked into it.
    • Remember when Christianity was about loving one another.
    • Christians are like the Borg: Assimilate, assimilate. But Nazi's are like the Darlecs: Exterminate, exterminate. I have a PHD in cross-cultural studies at Yale.
    • Dinosaurs aren't real or Jesus would have mentioned them in his speech.
    • God made the world is six days. I made my ant farm in eighty-two minutes. Suck on that!
    • I think the Amish were the most honest about their beliefs. They rejected science totally. They didn’t take advantage of every scientific advancement while pretending they knew better than those scientists on areas of science that brought the Bible’s infallibility into question.
    • I wanted to be a Christian but found Jesus rather underwhelming. He could have been so much more if he just applied himself.
    • I stopped being a christian because I was sick of feeling guilty when I whacked off.
    • I don't care about nature or the environment because the real world is the one to come.
    • I can't stand these heart of the law Christians who think being a person of faith is all about love. We are in a holy war and blood will flow.
    • Jesus died to absolving of what I did to those kids
    • I was talking to this non-christian guy and he was trying to give me advice. I'm the one with the sacred ancient knowledge. What a jerk-off.
    • Meditation really helped me but I felt uneasy because it wasn't biblical. But then I heard it was actually created by the christians and the fiflty budhists stole it off us. Knowing this meant I could fully embrace the power of meditation as a spiritual practice.
    • All good Christian parents are authoritarian by nature and does not allow their child to think for themselves and develop critical reasoning skills which lead to the devil and prostitution.
    • It would be so much easier being a non-christian because then you could just do what you like and not have to worry about whether its right or wrong. That's why all non-christians are essentially criminals and should be treated as such.
    • My gay friend is Christian. He has Jesus, but what I think he really wants is cock.
    • Jesus died for us. Not all of us. Just those who believe in the resorrection, go to church and beleive everthing written in the bible. He died for all of us in that category.
    • My pastor said christians shouldn't try to change the world. But also thinks our country needs christian leadership.
    • My pastor doesn't give me any good jobs at church because I don't bang on about Jesus enough,.
    • I put my hand in the air when singing at church to prove i'm moved by the spirit
    • It's really hard to think about Jesus all the time. I want to but then I get hungry and start thinking about pies.
    • Grace is one of those things you act out to prove how devout you are. But it's definately driven by the spirit of god.
    • My pastor keeps banging on about gays, I only know two people in the church that would be struggling with such an issue. Maybe a bit more preachying on sex before marriage, they'res at least five frolickers in the flock.
    • It annoys me when non-christians think they are not inferior, even they are not blessed by the spirit. I'm just waiting to catch them out doing some bad non-christian shit.
    • It's perfectly ok to say i'm angry at god in church because atleast you're admitting he exists
    • This one guy was struggling with his faith so I told him to read more into it. I meant more authodox christian books, not fucking Reddit.
    • If I didn't have god I wouldn't have much. I'm not very likeable. That's the beauty about the church anyone is welcome as long as they keep with the official narrative.
    • Christian movies don't do the church justice. They are all so bland and hollow. Except for that Mr Rogers biopic. Now that's a good Christian movie.
    • Christian movies make us christians look lame. So lightly salted you'd think they were dipped in seawater.
    • I call plain salted chip, christian flavour.
    • I love the church. It's the other Christian's I struggle with. Self-righteous know-it-all pricks,.
    • If Christian put as much effort into healthy families and healthy pair bonding as they do in denouncing gay people, they might have a possitive impact on society.
    • I was listening to this great sermon about Graditude, it was really beneficial, but then they did the old switcheroo they always do and made it about Jesus. Fucking Christians.
    • Judging by how most christians see themselves politically. They don't know Jesus at all.
    • Jesus is the everyman. He's whatever the church needs him to be at the time.
    • I just want christ to come inside me.
    • I thought beleiving in Jesus was enough to becaome part of the church. That's just the gateway belief. Then once your snared they tell you you have to believe everything in the bible as its the word of god. It's a trap.
    • If the Christians are right I personally am fucked. Luckily what Christians believe just doesn't add up. Thank God.
    • My wife is a christian so I'm hoping she gets a plus one through the pearly gates
    • A good Christian is a fantastic human being, but they are rare as hens teeth and are never the ones who take everything in the bible on face value.
    • I don't need cocaine now I have Jesus. I also don't need my son in my face crying about being high on cocaine his entire childhood. I'm a christian, all that's wiped clean. I'm born anew in christ but try telling that little motherfucker.
    • God s saves those who need saving. A lot of us are doing just fine, but the one's who ain't got their shit together need Jesus.
    • Don't be fooled by the all you have to do is accept jesus into your heart routine. What is asked of you is to throw out all your own mental schema and apply that of the churches. Which is fine if you have a head full of rocks. Not so if you've spent your time learning and growing without the good book.
    • I was saved by Jesus, and not by the lifeguard who took all the credit.
    • When things go to hell atleast we've got thought and prayers. Oh, and Jesus, he's coming back, which goes without saying.
    • All these greenies that support life don't know what it means to be a good person in the eyes of christ. Fuck the environment. The real world is the next one where everything is perfect. Greenies will burn just like the forests if I have my way.
    • Jesus wants us to be happy. But not too happy that we aren't doing all the other stuff Jesus wants us to do..
    • Jesus was a big believer in unfettered capitalism. Thats why he preached to the merchants, they were his real favourite.
    • The world is broken so I see no need in making sure we don't make things worse. Just don't kill unborn babies I refuse to support.
    • Jesus died for us. Not all of us. Just those who believe in the resurrection, and go to church and believe everything written in the bible. He died for all of us in that category.
    • My pastor said Christians shouldn't try to change the world. But he also thinks our country needs Christian leadership. I think that's a bad combo.
    • My pastor doesn't give me any good jobs at church because I don't bang on about Jesus enough.
    • I put my hand in the air when singing at church to prove I'm moved by the spirit.
    • It's really hard to think about Jesus all the time. I want to, but then I get hungry and start thinking about pies.
    • Grace is one of those things you act out to prove how devout you are. But it's definitely driven by the spirit of God.
    • My pastor keeps banging on about gays. I only know two people in the church that would be struggling with such an issue. Maybe a bit more preaching on sex before marriage. There are at least five frolickers in the flock.
    • It annoys me when non-Christians think they are not inferior, even though they're not blessed by the spirit. I'm just waiting to catch them out doing some bad non-christian shit.
    • It's perfectly ok to say 'I'm angry at god,' in the church because at least you're admitting he exists.
    • This one guy was struggling with his faith, so I told him to read more into it. I meant more orthodox Christian books, not fucking Reddit.
    • If I didn't have God, I wouldn't have much. I'm not very likeable. That's the beauty of the church. Anyone is welcome as long as they keep with the official narrative.
    • Christian movies don't do the church justice. They are all so bland and hollow. Except for that, Mr Rogers biopic. Now that's a good Christian movie.
    • Christian movies make us Christians look lame. So lightly salted you'd think they were dipped in seawater.
    • I call plain salted chips, Christian flavour.
    • I love the church. It's the other Christians I struggle with. Self-righteous know-it-all pricks.
    • If Christians put as much effort into healthy families and healthy pair bonding as they do in denouncing gay people, they might have a positive impact on society.
    • I was listening to this great sermon about gratitude. It was really beneficial, but then they did the old switcheroo they always do, and made it about Jesus. Fucking Christians.
    • Judging by how most Christians see themselves politically. They don't know Jesus at all.
    • Jesus is the everyman. He's whatever the church needs him to be at the time.
    • I just want christ to come inside me.
    • I thought believing in Jesus was enough to become part of the church.
    • That's just the gateway belief. Then once you're snared they tell you, you have to believe everything in the bible, as it's the word of God. It's a trap.
    • If the Christians are right, I personally am fucked. Luckily, what Christians believe just doesn't add up. Thank God!
    • My wife is a Christian, so I'm hoping she gets a plus one through the pearly gates.
    • A good Christian is a fantastic human being, but they are rare as hen's teeth and are never the ones who take everything in the bible at face value.
    • I don't need cocaine, now I have Jesus. I also don't need my son in my face crying about me being high on cocaine his entire childhood. I'm a Christian, all that's wiped clean. I'm born anew in christ but try telling that little motherfucker.
    • God saves those who need saving. A lot of us are doing just fine, but the ones who ain't got their shit together, need Jesus.
    • Don't be fooled by the "all you have to do is accept Jesus into your heart" routine. What is asked of you is to throw out your own mental schema and apply that of the churches. Which is fine if you have a head full of rocks. Not so, if you've spent your time learning and growing without the good book.
    • I was saved by Jesus, and not by the lifeguard who took all the credit.
    • When things go to hell, at least we've got thoughts and prayers. Oh, and Jesus, he's coming back, which goes without saying.
    • All these greenies that support life don't know what it means to be a good person in the eyes of Christ. Fuck the environment. The real world is the next one where everything is perfect. Greenies will burn just like the forests if I have my way.
    • Jesus wants us to be happy. But not too happy that we aren't doing all the other stuff Jesus wants us to do.
    • Jesus was a big believer in unfettered capitalism. That's why he preached to the merchants. They were his real favourite.
    • The world is broken, so I see no need in making sure we don't make things worse. Just don't kill unborn babies I refuse to support once born.
    • Most Christians do better than the average joe because at least they have some framework for living. The education system doesn't provide that, because their goal is workers who have a need to buy stuff to fill the whole in their life.
    • My gay friend is Christian. He has Jesus, but what I think he really wants is cock.
    • It would be so much easier being a non-christian because then you could just do what you like and not have to worry about whether it's right or wrong. That's why all non-Christians are essentially criminals and should be treated as such.
    • All good Christian parents are authoritarian by nature and do not allow their children to think for themselves and develop critical reasoning skills, which leads to the devil and prostitution.
    • Meditation really helped me, but I felt uneasy because it wasn't biblical. But then I heard it was actually created by the Christians and the filthy Buddhists stole it from us. Knowing this meant I could fully embrace the power of meditation as a spiritual practice.
    • I was talking to this non-christian guy, and he was trying to give me advice. I'm the one with the sacred ancient knowledge. What a jerk-off.
    • Jesus died to absolve me of what I did to those kids.
    • I can't stand these heart-of-the-law Christians who think being a person of faith is all about love. We are in a holy war and blood will flow.
    • I don't care about nature or the environment because the real world is the one to come.
    • I stopped being a Christian because I was sick of feeling guilty when I whacked off.
    • I wanted to be a Christian but found Jesus rather underwhelming. He could have been so much more if he just applied himself.
    • WHEN YOU'RE DEEP IN THE SPIRIT AND GOD TELLS YOU THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR HAIR!
    • Feed a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Feed a man a cow and it will last a lot longer because cows are bigger, unless the fish is a big tuna or something.
    • JESUS ISN'T RETURNING TO PASS OUT LOLLIES.
    • I know that God is real because I don't have to cut my toenails as often as my fingernails.
    • I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GLOAT DURING PRAYER TIME AT BIBLE STUDY, "THANK YOU GOD FOR TYLER'S FIRST PLACE AT LITTLE ATHLETICS AND THANK YOU THAT YOU HELPED US GET DANIEL TOILET TRAINED AND THANKS FOR HELPING ME CHOOSE THE RIGHT SPEEDBOAT FOR OUR FAMILY!"
    • WAS CARDINAL RATZINGER IN ON THE WHOLE THING?
    • JUST BECAUSE GOD CLOSES A DOOR DOESN'T MEAN HE WON'T SLAP THAT STUPID FACE OF YOURS!
    • NOTE TO SELF: DEBATE SCIENCE WITH MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS.
    • When you hear God's small quiet voice saying, "Get your shit together" but you ignore it just incase it's the Devil playin tricksees.
    • The prophetic knowledge he'd give to people were good or bad depending on whether he liked them!
    • WAS CARDINAL RATZINGER IN ON THE WHOLE THING?
    • The prophetic knowledge he'd give to people was good or bad depending on whether he liked them
    • Come they told me. Pa rum a pum a pum. Come meet the baby king Pa rum a pum pum. He's really cute and stuff, Pa rum a pum a pum. He has magical powers and shit, pa rum pa pa pum. Bring your drum. Don't forget your drum.
    • "I know dear, I'd love to have a Bible study around our house too. but what if they discover the sex dungeon? you know that kind of thing is frowned upon amongst our non-swinger Christian friends. anyway the gimp makes far to much noise."
    • When it's your turn to pray and you forget the person's name your supposed to pray about
    • I hate when people gloat in their prayers. God thank you for Tyler's first place at Little Athletics, thank you that you helped us get Daniel toilet trained and thanks for helping me choose the right speedboat for my family.
    • I know that god is real because I don't have to cut my toenails as often as my fingernails
    • I think the Amish were the most honest about their beliefs. They rejected science totally. They didn’t take advantage of every scientific advancement while pretending they knew better than those scientists in areas of science that brought the Bible’s infallibility into question.
    • Give us this day our daily bread, unless you're gluten intolerant. In which case, we are happy to find alternatives.
    • I've got what they call a twisted testicle. It's quite painful, but I leave it like that as a penance for all the ritual sacrifices I took part in. I was really into Satanism for a while, but then I found Jesus.
    • The movie 'The Passion of the Christ' would have been better if there was a giant spider. That would have been so freaky.
    • My mission as a missionary is to take care of the poor, and then teach them why gays are bad and why they shouldn't wear condoms.
    • Our local minister in our small outback town is not all that religious it turns out. I saw him smash his toe on a chair leg and he didn't even yell, "Jesus Christ". Which is what most locals would have done and they're not even that interested in church.
    • Paisley Andrews was my mentor in the church. He could do no wrong. When I found out he was having sex with my mother, I accepted it as God's way. When I found out he was having sex with my father, I wondered why he hadn't chosen me. I was wrong for questioning Paisley Andrews' motives. It was I who was lacking.
    • In the bible do they talk about a land of milk and honey? I'm pretty sure there is something about a land of milk and honey.
    • I wrote a book called an apple a day keeps the apple monster at bay. It's available in all reputable Christian bookstores. It features a talking snake.
    • I'm Christian, I'm in bondage. Sorry just to be clear, my name is Christian and I'm into bondage.
    • I once met God. The guy needs a haircut.
    • Jesus is just Santa for adults.
    • Notice how the Apple logo has a bite out of it. They want you to 'bite' the apple and be enslaved by knowledge. They are the snake in the garden offering the population apple products at over-inflated prices. Choose Android, be with Jesus.
    • Immaculate conception is not real. Mary cheated. The father's name was Bruce Babcock, he sold real estate. I looked into it.
    • Remember when Christianity was all about loving one another?
    • Christians are like the Borg: Assimilate, assimilate. But Nazi's are like the Darlec's: Exterminate, exterminate. I have a PHD in cross-cultural studies at Yale.
    • Dinosaurs aren't real, or Jesus would have mentioned them in his speech.
    • God made the world in six days. I made my ant farm in eighty-two minutes. Suck on that!
  • Unsort
    • French joke: Jabristios is jargon for Sellafacetious.
    • Fuck Formula One, I race potatoes in Formula Twelve.
    • Did you know that there are more stars in the sky than there are Skittles in one of those really large packs of Skittles?
    • My heart is filled with trifle. The trifle of love. It's in my heart. Custard, cake, jelly, and whatever else goes into trifles. That is what is in my heart.
    • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he lived down that way somewhere, I spose. Who knows, it's a chicken.
    • He said, "Chumly bring me my pants. I'm going for a walk". Then I said, "But sir you can't walk on account of you having no legs." "Oh," he said. Then he said, "Chumly, bring me my wheelchair. You're going on a walk." That's when I snapped.
    • Everyone is trying to prove something. I'm trying to prove that the second law of thermodynamics is in fact incorrect.
    • I've got this big idea that might change the world, but I can't tell you in case you steal it and sell it to Schick or Gillette. I'll give you a hint; more blades.
    • You know what they say, "You eat enough chicken nuggets, you end up developing nugget powers."
    • The history of the banana is quite fascinating.
    • How did the blind man know the bucket was white? Because it was pale. I made that one up. How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb? I haven't thought of an ending for that one yet.
    • The flavour has gone out of my life since my wife left. It used to have a kind of fruit of the forest taste with a hint of vanilla.
    • My son has size 14 feet and he's got the gall to call ME a clown!
    • My son has size 14 feet and he's got the gaul to call ME a clown!
    • I'm developing a new superhero character called spyDoor he's part spy part spider and part door.
    • My wife is worth a million dollars. Not literally.
    • Which is the good tittie, left or right #poll
    • Love like it's 25% off.
    • His eyes penetrated her soul. Lol penetrated!
    • Do you ever look at someone's aura and think, that person's killed before.
    • The world needs to settle its differences and come together as a whole in order to fight all the nutters on the right
    • If you ask me there's nothing better than a smoke and a good pull after a workout
    • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?I want to to share a secret with you all
    • But I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
    • You don't hear the term 'fingerbang' much these days
    • Love freely, like there's no such thing as HPV
    • Which do you consider is your 'love muscle?' your heart or your penis
    • Drugs don't kill people, people who take drugs kill people
    • Where's Gareth Evans when you need him
    • I'm very cultured for a guy who's lived his whole life in a Petri dish.
    • I'm good at counting cards. There are fifty-two, not including the jokers.
    • One day I'm gonna win a Nobel prize, just got to think of something clever.
    • People don't remember Timmy Peppernill like I do. He was the O.G. before Ultimate Frisbee was cool.
    • The mood at the funeral was pretty sombre. I think they needed some more upbeat music.
    • People don't give sticks enough credit.
    • Twenty-seven years ago, my leg fell off. I'm not about to let that happen again.
    • Statistical speaking, I'm surprised no-one has punched Trump in the throat by now.
    • Just doing some late night shopping and noticed the lady in front was buying a few vegetables. It seems a bit of a waste considering all she really wanted was the cucumber!
    • Whenever I see someone who is putting themselves out there on the internet that I think is a bit spazzle, I recognize there are some switched on people that feel the same way about me,
    • Walking to the pub with an empty beer bottle in hand, where to put it? See an empty beer bottle on ground and throw it next to that beer bottle. Sound logic.
    • It's important we find love in our hearts because if we find it in our shoes, something has gone horribly wrong.
    • Good News people, I've made it into the Guiness Book of Records for the Stinkenest Asshole.
    • Oh you think so do you. I'm going to have to smash your fucking face in.
    • Humility is being deeply aware of your own ignorance. - Not my words, but I'm in agreeance. Is agreeance a word?
    • I hate it when my computer gives me a critical battery warning because I know what happens next. My battery starts giving me a hard time and say's stuff like "You know you're not as funny as you think you are" and " Why don't you be a man and get a real job" and stuff like that, it's hurtful.
    • Let me talk to you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and that little thing called love.
    • What does 'tits up' mean in English,? \
    • Who hasn't done that, C'mon give the guy a break? After a long hard work out who doesn't do a little self-exploration through sticking your dick in something you probably shouldn't. Totally natural.
    • I just want you all to know that I'll fight you all with sticks and sharp objects in order to defend my right to use sticks and sharp objects to defend my rights.
    • Anyone know where I can get a kilo of ice? I'm starting a new business. Where can you buy those little plastic bags from?
    • How much do wedge tails fetch on the black market, asking for a friend.
    • Does anyone have a spare watermelon?
    • Thank you to the people who take the time to like and comment on my posts, it's good to know that people out there care about a scallywag like me.
    • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music as kids. Racists!Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
    • What`s a good natural remedy for cock mould?
    • Don't be fooled by people who try to fool you
    • Chairsand littletoes areswORNenemies
    • You know there is someone out there that has never bit their finger while chowing down on a sandwich.
    • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
    • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
    • When your nose is so big that people flee from the water when you do backstroke.
    • Whos been to the Australian national stick museum of australia in Dubbo? Is it worth a look, do they only have sticks from Australia or all over the world?
    • I'm what you'd call an empath.  I can tell if someone's crying, just by looking into their eyes.  Then I laugh at them for being weak.
    • Tits on toast is my favourite form of phrase.  I'm having real trouble working it into sentences though.
    • I never buy women drinks.  I'd rather stay an untouched virgin, than let some hussy play me like that.
    • Think about space and how far we can actually go before we have to come back for lunch. Healthy Nutritious food should be a right. Maybe they should get sponsorship from Nestle or something. It's worth thinking about.
    • I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT "SWINSEL" MEANS IN SWISS, I'VE BEEN TO SCARED TO TYPE IT INTO GOOGLE TRANSLATE IN CASE IT MEANS SOMETHING RUDE, LIKE POOP OR BUM.
    • What's Switzerland up to? They can't all be making pocket knives and wrist watches. Just keep an eye out, that's all I'm sayin'.
    • Does anyone know any good cures for cramps? I heard from my psychic healer friend that licorice was good, so I ate a ton of the shit. I haven't been to the toilet in three days. I`d sue her for malpractice but she read my future and said if I went down that path I`d die a horrible death.
    • Does anyone know where to buy books about the truth of everything? Like floating pyramids and shit.
    • 4 out of 5 doctors lie about the effectiveness of alternative medicine and crystals just to stay in business. One Doctor quotes: "How am I supposed to make money off people's sleep problems when they can easily buy essential oils like Lavender; A known therapeutic treatment for a long list of sleep and other issues. And you can buy it off your friends, making them wealthy, and leaving us Doctors out of pocket."
    • We stand on the shoulders of giants, those who were able to read peoples future for the first time and realized people believed it. Those who cured Cancer with carrot smoothies. Science is holding us back from the hidden truth of unlimited possibilities and the knowledge of real everyday people with faith in their own spiritual superiority and without fancy book learning who cure cancer with carrot smoothies.
    • There are no limits, you can fly if you truly believe it. Probably not as well as a bird because it takes a lot of practice. Dream to achieve anything. Kill people with your mind.
    • It's impossible to really know anything. But you can know everything there is to know if you have love in your heart and don't stab people.
    • With the help of someone with proper qualifications, who was a spiritual leader and drove his own car. I was shown one of my past lives. I was this promiscuous Nun who swore like a trooper, and I knew he was right because she had the same initials and we both like chocolate pudding. #inspirational
    • I saw someone with the worst Aura today. I hate to say it but these people should be put in prison before they do any more damage.
    • Ever have one of those 4th-dimensional dreams. What a blowout. I thought people were just lying through their teeth until I saw Jesus and Muhammad playing ping-pong in their undies.
    • Well, I've officially seen everything on the internet, some things twice. Might be time to get a new hobby.
    • Sometimes I think I'm turning into a zombie internet robot. SCROLL SCROLL SCROLL
    • I think what they should probably do is, when they actually get to Mars, they should have some sort of Party to celebrate and have a drink and let their hair down. But it's all about OH&S these days. that's the problem with these bureaucrats. The countries goin' to hell in a handbasket.
    • My haemaroid has haemaroids, poor little haemaroid, I called him Grayson Featherbottom the third. He drinks port and calls me names after a tipple.. His mum died three weeks ago of botchulism. I forgive you Grayson, life has dealt you an unfair hand.
    • How much does it cost to get your but hole bleached, I've been using a whitening toothpaste, but it's a bit too minty fresh.
    • Shout out to all the Aries folk. Someone new is going to come into all of our lives this week.
    • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
    • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
    • I thought you had to have like army-seal willpower to build a habit
    • turns out youve just got to keep doing the same thing over again until it becomes automatic
    • You just have to simplify your life and just fucos on repeating your habits
    • Its not easy you have to give up the delusion that one day you might become an astronaut
    • You have to give up on all your potential futures and sacrifice them for one or two things
    • Then do them every day repetitively until they become a habit
    • You don't need to do more to have good habits you need to do less
    • figure out whats import and only do that
    • keep it simple, and give up on the delusion you might be an astronaut one day
    • I hate it when my computer gives me a critical battery warning because I know what happens next. My battery starts giving me a hard time by saying stuff like “You know you’re not as funny as you think you are” and “Why don’t you be a man and get a real job”, and stuff like that. It’s hurtful.
    • JUST REMEMBER GUYS: TEATOWELS ARE PRESENTS FOR THE KITCHEN and NOT FOR OUR WIVES!
    • You all belong. Except for you Darryl!
    • My darling I will always love you. You are my girl, and that makes me blessed. To take that for granted would make me an irredeemable fool.
    • My heart is a lock and you are the only key
    • I'm currently 135kg, the only upside is that I'm well insulated from the cold. My fingers could be falling off from frostbite, but my internal organs would still be at a toasty 37 degrees.
    • I’M MAKING SURE I STAY FAT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE A FAMINE!
    • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
    • MY SON HAS HUGE FEET! I WENT TO BUY HIM SHOES AND THE SALES ASSISTANT ASKS, "WHAT SIZE?” AND MY ANSWER WAS, "CLOWN!" SHE SAID, "RIGHT THIS WAY!"
    • My son says, "I'm thirsty." And I say, "Hi thirsty, I'm secondy." That's an A-level dad joke right there, right off the top of the old noodle!
    • WHY IS THERE A PATERNITY MATERNITY SECTION IN TARGET NOT A MATERNITY SECTION
    • Tis the season to be jolly! Does jolly mean fat? If so it's my kind of season.
    • Angela I love you you know that don't you, yes Pete of course. Angela, there's something I have to tell you, I know Peter I know everything. So you don't care that I'm a hermaphrodite. Peter I can change my diet to suit yours. If you don't eat eggs or fish than neither do I.
    • Apparently buttons are cute
    • We will stand together on this union of making and not fault we but and move to be freed from the tyranny of the galactians and their weird shaped heads and or women will not be moved out be overcome from their incredibly large genitalia of which there are two rather than one like it should be as good made it.
    • Gather those of simple means, of hearty spirits and healthy lungs. Least ye sing a song and speak in prose of a time now lost not too long ago, without internet and mobile phone. Some would say a better time. Others not so much.
    • The diamond glowed like some sort of clear shiny gemstone bathed in moonlight. He needed to stick sixty-two of these little fuckers up his arse in order to smuggle them out of the building. But there was a problem. He had a bad allergy to diamond dust.
    • "I'm not much into party drugs these days.  Have you got any work hard, keep your noes clean type drugs.  Alcohol? Not a good look.  Coffee?  I really don't want to be judged.  Tea it is and we will slip in a little speed to keep you on task. Sounds great."
    • He reached into his pocket and pulled out a golden baritone ferrometer and entered the magic code, then bang pow 15 doves flew out his arsehole, at that point he loudly exclaims, I now pronounce you man and turklenuffin
    • "Its 2340 and I'm one of a small group of humans that were born naturally. They call us the naturals and we have special powers which allow us to feed off crystal energy. This power was first discovered in 2019, before the cyborgs, by a woman named Debra who could tell people's future and could talk to ghosts.
    • You know that Indian guy, that Indian guy that hangs around Paisley Andrews? You mean Barty Faqua? No not Barty. The guy that works at the servo. You mean Lance? No not Lance the other guy who delivers is pizza sometimes. Yeah Lance, Lance Bruce. No not Lance, the one with the moustache that wobbles his head. Oh him, you mean Depesh. Yeah, Depesh. Depesh is Sri Lankan, not Indian, no wonder I didn't know who you meant.
    • Marshall the troops. We lay waste to the city at dawn. How bout 10:30? The troops generally aren't up till 9 and they need a feed and time to psych themselves up. 10:30 it is then. We lay waste to the city at 10:30.
    • Vegemite has been a staple in Australian homes for donkey's years (since 1922), but did you know up until recently they Vegemite was owned by food giant Kraft Foods Inc. As of January 2017 Vegemite is owned by Bega, the guys that make the cheese. They paid four hundred and sixty million for it. Another interesting fact is that Vegemite is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives. It's also vegan, kosher, and halal. Much to the dismay of your average boofhead.
    • Some people say I display too much hubris, I say fuck them I'm awesome
    • I have a very probose vocabulary
    • Flomuxt is up there as one of those words.
    • IT'S PRONOUNCED "YOGURT!"
    • They once thought roses only red. But with science the colour instead. Was yellow, white and blue. With other colours too. But the original has the most cred.
    • Takes garbage out. Sees neighbours. FUCK.... How's it garn?"
  • Headlines & Articles
    • Headline: Australia is set to become less bogan as it moves away from its convict heritage.
    • Headline: America goes the full retard once again
    • Headline: Menopause changed to Womenopause after feminist outrage on Twitter.
    • Headline: Child gets taken by a crocodile in far-north Queensland. Crocodile demanding fifty-thousand in unmarked bills.
    • Headline: Waste not want not say’s man who finds half a McMuffin on the footpath.
    • Headline: Fat guy loses fifty kilos after being fat-shamed by his wife. Man says, “I look better in photos but I’m still traumatised and that’s why I’m leaving her. And it’s not because I’m finally getting some attention from the ladies.”
    • Headline: We lift the lid on Dubbo’s new jar opening service for seniors and those with weak hands.
    • Headline: Gland! – Good Living and Natural Desires Blog shuts down after 2 weeks.
    • Headline: Testicle clamp: 3 D printer files released to public.
    • Headline: My toes are fine! says local Dubbo woman wearing open-toe sandals.
    • Headline: Stool swapping is taking off in Dubbo among residents with various intolerances.
    • Headline: Guy with three eyes on Tinder says, “No luck yet!”
    • Headline: Local Mayor says his fart jokes aren’t for everyone and will tone it down at the next council meeting.
    • Headline: After extensive feedback, Ben & Jerry’s is increasing the price of their Ice Cream stating, “Complain again, and we’ll charge even more!”
    • Headline: Local woman Wendy Newburn gets head stuck in a fence.
    • Headline: Mother of three says she loves her kids but wishes she had the courage to get them foster parents.
    • Headline: Weak Minds Foundation find twelve new vulnerable members
    • Headline: Local Dubbo man, Scotty Robinson tells his friends he once saw Rex Hunt in Woolies at the mall. Friends say his full of shit.
    • Headline: Local spy Maggie Davis says she's glad the PNC has no idea what she's up to.
    • Headline: TAFE student's medical records were requested because he is on a disability pension and wanted to go on a field trip with the rest of the class.
    • Headline: Dubbo man taken to emergency with three separate and distinct objects jammed in his backside. The hospital warns that the Aldi special buys section is not the best place to find stuff to stick in your arsehole.
    • Headline: Australia is the first country in the world to legalise smoking cannabis illegally while in prison. Only if said weed is sourced locally through an on-duty guard.
    • Headline: Masons no longer sacrificing goats as to appeal to a younger generation who don't like the idea of killing goats.
    • Headline: N S W bans "Crap in the street day."
    • Headline: Dubbo man finds himself in hot water after pouring himself a bath.
    • Headline: "Stop Blaming Everything On Black People Day" mired by the actions of a few.
    • Headline: The Captain of the Dubbo cricket team was recently ridiculed by teammates for not knowing what a Dirty Sanchez was.
    • Headline:  One legged amputee David 'Limpy' Fleming doesn't defy the odds in role as team struggles to kick goals.
    • Headline: Doodle Bum Piper's play at local retirement village.
    • Headline: Dubbo happy clappers looking forward to Christmas.
    • Headline: The March For Better Health sees two fatties keel over,
    • Headline: The petition to ban cats has 20 signatures
    • Headline: Cheese Eaters Guild heads to Bega for the AGM.
    • Headline: Breakdancing Australia to call it quits after 35 years
    • Headline: TACFK - Tackle A Comedian For Kids event ends as you'd expect.
    • Headline: Three dead in 'Say Sorry to Mum Day' massacre in Cowra.
    • Headline: Today is Bring your short friend to work day
    • Headline: Fat guy who lost 40kg back on the donuts
    • Headline: Talk Loudly to Old People Day has oldies turning their hearing aids down.
    • Headline: Fart silencing butt tube by Glointech in production in Narromine.
    • Headline: Chip Eaters Association ruffled over local building plans.
    • Headline: The Australian farting competition follows through. More at 6.
    • That completes todays headline, here are the the top trending links on our website this week
      • How to stop beating the meat when Grandma comes around.
      • Take action today! Throw out that meal you made five days ago.
      • 44 meals that taste like shit but look great on your Insta feed
      • Best essential oils to mask the smell of your putrid farts.
      • Classifieds - Ghost sitter wanted for three hours, Saturday evenings.
      • The celebrities who do the most stinkin’ farts from across the globe.
      • Paris Hilton’s fish (unconfirmed).
      • How to climax on a budget!
      • Slurry Hills – Top skanks of inner-eastern Sydney.
      • 42 devilled egg recipes you should keep in your purse.
      • The joke that made this well-known Australian celebrity shit themselves.
      • 11 people who don't have magical powers that you thought did.
      • The celebrities who do the most stinkin' farts from across the globe
      • Bring back Terry Towelling!
      • Rashes that look like celebrities
      • Dubbo's longest slong
      • Liberals are on edge after all the shit they pulled
      • 42 massive bogs caught on camera.
      • New program for kids: Drink-bottles for kids without drink-bottles.
      • What to do if you shit yourself in public? Locals speak up. 
      • Who will be named Australia's next Poo Jogger? 
• Didn't Use - Too Rude/Bad/Shit
  • Sex (Sort & Redo)
    • [Bit SEX]
      • I went out with a lesbian once
        • this is before she became a lesbian
        • Not sure what happened there
        • She tried me and then she decided she prefered the dickless variety
        • Its a bit like a seedless watermelon, you don't get the seeds but are they as sweet
        • yes, they are just as sweet, sweeter actually
        • fuck you seedless watermelons
      • IT WAS SWOLLEN
        • AND RED AND
        • Oozing. So ITCHY,
        • HE FOUND SCRATCHING
        • QUITE Soothing.
        • IT SPREAD FROM
        • HIS hand. THE CREAM
        • COST three grand. AND
        • HE NO LONGER FOUND
        • SCRATCHING amusing.
      • THERE ONCE WAS
        • A FENCER NAMED
        • Gary. WHO REALLY
        • KNEW HOW TO parry.
        • HE PULLED OUT HIS
        • sword. AND EXCITED
        • THIS broad. AND
        • ПОШ THEY ARE
        • WED TO BE married.
      • This is a rare Browerbird from New Zealand.
        • Can you fuck it?
        • For $400 you can do what you like with it!
      • Sex is amazing
        • Sex is great
        • But don't use a cactus
        • You'll injure your date
        • Love is so special
        • Love is so free
        • But don't fuck an echidna
        • You'll wreck your pee pee
        • Fucking is cool
        • But sometimes not free
        • Don't pay for a hooker
        • You'll end up with Hep-C
        • Intercourse is awesome
        • Intercourse is fun
        • But leave out the pineapple
        • You'll ruin your pizza
      • Sister Marget you are not making an oversised dildo out of the kids modelling clay again are you? You know if father brian finds out he will just have it confiscated and you will be put on toilet duties as before. Fire up the kiln sister agnes. I have a fire in my nether regions. I just glaned father paul at the lake bathing in his undergarments. Right you are sister.
      • Dad, why doesn't mum love you like she does her new boyfriend Gary? Because Gary has a big cock son, he's got a big ol' cock!
      • Ryan just because I draw dicks don't make me gay, I like drawing juicy dicks.
        • You just said juicy dicks.
        • Don't twist my words Rian.
    • Start-------------(Standup 1)
      • I lost 50kg and my penis looks two inches longer. I didn't even realise their was extra length below the fold.
      • Penis size doesn't count for that much. My brother has a hot wife, and I own an expensive car.
      • I'm sure that there are disadvantages to a huge penis, but that's something I'll never have to worry about.
      • Sure I've got a little dick, but I keep a box of dildos of varying girth in the car, so when the magic happens I can keep the ladies happy.
      • Penis pumps don't even work. Not that I've tried one, but they don't work or some of them must have a faulty pump mechanism.
      • There's a big difference between making love and fucking, one requires a connection, the other requires a latex suit and the new cum master three thousand available at cum master three thousand dot com. I'm an investor.
      • I can't get it up when I'm drunk. But I have good fingering skills.
      • I was doing some late-night shopping and noticed the lady in front was buying a few vegetables. It seemed a bit of a waste considering all she really wanted was the cucumber!
      • Potatoes are definitely the most versatile vegetable. You can fry them, bake them, or boil them. Crisps, chips, mash, hash browns, scollops. You can peel them and see how many you can fit up your arse. They are the most versatile vegetable.
      • I once shoved a carrot up my arse, not because sticking vegetables up my date is a kink or something I enjoy. It was just an experiment to see if any of my ailments would be cured by sticking a carrot up my arse. Carrot smoothies are a known cure for certain cancers, and that is being suppressed by big pharma who wish to sell us their cancer medications. Not to cure us, but to make it so we will always need those drugs to survive. So I thought of carrot smoothies, and then I thought the next logical scientific step is a carrot up my arse. My wife participated by being part of the control group who didn't stick carrots up their arse.
      • As a surgeon, I'd have to say I'm surprised how many times I've had to fish something out of a grown man's arsehole.
      • It's completely up to you what you put up your backside, but you have to own the consequences.
      • They're changing the name of the Hurtsberg Sausage Fest to the Hurtsburg Frankfurt Jamboree due to party goers to turning up for the wrong reasons. In a statement the Mayor of Hurtsberg said, "People come from all around germany with there families for good, wholesome fun and to eat our sausages, the surge in numbers of perverts from across the globe has ruined what makes this festival great, sharing sausage with family."
      • I've heard if you satisfy a japanese woman sexually, they'll show you their appreciation my taking a dump on your chest. It's funny how other cultures do things.
      • Do you think Nelson Mandells had a wank in prison, or do you think he was above all that?
      • I love writing smut, and then wacking off to it. I don't do it for the notoriety.
      • The last five years of my life have been the best so far, I've finally got a handle on my masturbation problem. I'm still not allowed back on the train, but I'm cool with that.
      • Whacking off is not something I do in public anymore. Not since the court order.
      • Yeah I wacked of on the bus, but not in a pervy way.
      • So I like to pull my dick out in public. If that's wrong. If that's unnatural. I don't want to be right or natural. I'm an artist and my penis is my canvas. I want them to take the ankle bracelet off.
      • People think I'm a pervert, but I just have a chemical imbalance. I'm eating more fruit, so that should kick in soon.
      • Jenny Paul from ASIO wants you to know that  we can see what you're doing even if you use incognito mode.
      • There's far too much porn on the internet, I've hardly seen half of it.
      • At least these days you can stream porn without having to save it all on your hard drive. It was hard to delete my six-hundred gigabytes of porn, but it has freed me up in a way.
      • I'm so glad we have fast internet and can just stream our porn from anywhere instead of having a grotty folder on your PC full of all your shame. the only reason I can think of to stockpile porn - unless you're a real connoisseur - is if society collapses and the internet goes down. You could trade it like gold or silver.
      • I went so far down the rabbit hole that I started categoriesing my porn, BBW, anal, amputee, ebony midgets. It was a hard choice to delete my collection, but in truth it was a weight of my shoulder know that if I died, people wouldn't remember me for the shit I had in my tax 2001-2002 folder
      • Whenever I get stressed I turn to porn. I'm always stressed. Now I have two problems.
      • The bushfires took everything. The photos of the kids. My wife's Princess Diana plate collection. My huge stack of porn.
      • Take me home, country road, to a place where I can hide my porno mags in the scrub.
      • Man, you can't even go and wack off in the scrub the days. I've heard they've set up cameras in the trees, at least that's what dad says. And she used to be a police officer.
      • My dad purchased a portaloo for out the backyard, so he can go for a wank whenever he wants.
      • [Person 1: Son] Tell me about the old ways Father. [Person 2: Father]  Well son when I was your age we didn't have mobile phones to wack off to, we would have to go to the outskirts of town and find titty mags hidden in the bush by local perverts.
      • I registered the domain name plant the seed dot org, like an environmental type of thing, and all my mates were like "PLANT THE SEED" you dirty bastard. I set up a video recording studio in my shed and all my mates were like, you dirty bastard. Like I set it up to make porn. I built a sex dungeon in my basement and all my mates were like "Wow rick, you're progressive"
      • I went on a sex holiday to New Zealand, the sheep were easy to handle. Five stars.
      • I've always been into insects. I love a thick juicy abdomen, and a tight hard thorax, The more legs the better. I'm hard as a rock.
      • Some people will never know the love of a cold dead jellyfish. Not the stingy ones of course.  they can last weeks instead of days between lovemaking If you keep them in the fridge. So intense!
      • People say you have to take your shoes off in the house. Our running joke is you have to take your pants off in the house. You'd be surprised how often it leads to group sex.
      • I brought lemons to a lemon party, boy did I get it wrong.
      • I know this joke about a nun, a Clydesdale and a bucket oh K Y jelly, but my wife says I'm not to tell that joke.
      • Ever had a dead hooker problem, if you have come talk to me after the show, I need some advice on dealing with the dead hooker in my garage.
      • As a Necrophiliac, I like my women like I like my beer. Below room temperature.
      • I met this evangelical gay guy. He said the urge to follow Jesus was greater than his urge to suck dick. I said can't you do both.
      • I used to wank a lot more than I do now. I started with my first internet connection. Back in those days, having a wank was time-consuming, the images didn't just appear, you had to wait for them to load progressively, and dial-up wasn't fast enough for video so you'd have to keep your pornography stored on your computer, which is gross, streaming changed everything for me as a young man. yeah, I used to wank a lot, but now just once or twice a month max, I try to save my load for my wife, I'm not always in the mood like I was in my twenties and thirties and I'm glad that I'm not as much driven by my sexual desires, I'm far less of a pervert these days. You perverts out there need to know that you just have to keep yourself out of trouble until you're in your forties, then you can start doing other things like golf, and watching movies that aren't pornography, cut back on the wanking guys, it'll change your life, be strong.
    • -----------------------------------------------------------
    • Sex 2
      • A lesson I learned as a teenager that I didn't take seriously at primary school is that cooties aka. girls germs are real. And once you've got them, the cream to get rid of them ain't cheap.
      • AH! SHARON, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU EAT A SAUSAGE. IF YOU WANT ME TO PAY THE BILLS IT IS!
      • Alright which one of you perverts gave the koalas clamydia?
      • Angela, I love you. You know that don't you? Yes, Pete of course. Angela, there's something I have to tell you. I know Peter I know everything. So you don't care that I'm a hermaphrodite. Peter I can change my diet to suit yours. If you don't eat eggs or fish than neither do I.
      • As a Necrophiliac, I like my women like I like my beer. Below room temperature
      • You can find love in the most mysterious of places. I found it with a cow. She's pregnant. Not to me of course, that would be impossible.-
      • There was a man named Michael
      • He poked around with his sword
      • and then he met young Sharon
      • A fine young buxom broad
      • Now he keeps his sword sheaved in his pants
      • Until it's late at night
      • For he only sleeps with Sharon
      • And he thinks that's quite all right.
      • Her: I'm a natural blonde.
      • Me: But your titties are fake right?
      • Her: Oh yeah, I've had work, but I don't die my hair.
      • Dave: I think I may have caught herpes from my girlfriend.
      • Pete: I thought you said your totally real girlfriend lives in Queensland you fucking liar.
      • Dave: No, I saw her last holidays. She stayed for two nights and then had to go back to compete in the Australian gymnastics championships. Which she won.
      • Connor: Ryan just because I draw dicks doesn't make me gay, I like drawing juicy dicks.
      • Ryan: You just said juicy dicks.
      • Connor: Don't twist my words, Ryan.
      • Apparently, there's a gland at the stem of your penis that secretes pheromones when you get an erection. It's funny the stuff you can learn if you know where to look.
      • Back in my day, we didn't have mobile phones and PlayStations. We'd just sit around and take turns saying, "I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son," as fast as we could.
      • Every lake is a body of water even a virgin can touch. Unless it's on private property.
      • Celestial bodies fill the night sky. mmrraaa. I love to have my way with all those celestial bodies in a big wet astronomical orgy spread wide over light years.
      • CLEANUP ON AISLE ONE!
      • Did you hear the gossip about Jenny down the road?
      • please tell, I love a bit of juicy gossip.
      • well, the gossip is she's been gossiping about how you have a sex dungeon and you keep a live pig chained up down there.
      • How dare she call David a pig
      • Do you think Nelson Mandella had a wank in prison, or do you think he was above all that?
      • Yeah, I've wacked off on the bus, but not in a pervy way!
      • I lost 50kg and my penis looks two inches longer. I didn't even realise there was extra length below the fold.
      • Imagine if you had taste buds on your dick. It could happen with evolution.
      • I know this joke about a nun, a Clydesdale and a bucket of KY jelly, but my wife says I'm not to tell that one.
      • EVER HAD A SOGGY DREAM? CAUSE YOU DRANK TOO MUCH CHOCKY MILK!
      • GIVE TO THOSE WHO DRESS IN LEATHERS OF CLOVEN HOOF FOUR VESSELS MEASURING FOURN AND SLEVEN. ANOINT THE CRACKS WITH TWO CAPOLOS OF SLEIPREN WEEN FROM OILS OF THE GOOCH. AND ONLY THEN YOU CAN GIVE YOUR SLAVES WIVES A PROPER TROUNCING.- KARDASHIANS 3-Twelve
      • Her nether regions had seen the cum of a thousand overweight truck drivers, but I loved her and that's all that mattered.  Who cares if she likes to empty my bank account to fund her meth addiction.  She's my girl and I'll buy her a new set of teeth.
      • HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF WANKING! I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I WAS MOISTURISING MY PENIS DUE TO A FLARE-UP OF MY ECZEMA.
      • I BELIEVE WE HAVE TO COME TOGETHER, LIKE NOT ON A SAO OR ANYTHING. BUT AS A PEOPLE!
      • I can get eighty-seven likes for a photo of my newborn child. but I can't get two likes for a picture of an Australorp with the caption 'black cock' underneath.
      • I can't guarantee you I don't have herpes, I've held a couple of hands before and let's just say those hands had seen other hand holding action!
      • I changed the Oliver Twist song from, 'You've got to pick a pocket or two," to, "You've got to squeeze a titty or two." ...I'm a pervert!
      • I gave up wanking when I started looking like a soldier crab!
      • I had sex with Julia-Louis Dreyfus in Woolongong. Or it was someone who looked exactly like her.
      • I have a strange family.  My sister married a crop duster and my brother dusts crops.
      • I heard moaning coming from my sister's room, shed purchased one of those cum master's and she was running through the family’s supply of D batteries like it was nobody's business
      • I like girls with small tits and a big ass, does that make me gay?
      • I love crab meat. I eat the shell and all. it's hard even just pulling them off my pubes let alone trying to peel them
      • I love to get dirty and cover myself with plates!
      • I PRAY GOD FORGIVES MY CHRONIC MASTURBATION ISSUES
      • I spend eighty percent of my time hanging out in other people's bushes. are you a gardener? sure, sure Gardner, yeah totally!
      • I was celibate for eight years.  Not on purpose though.  The drought broke when I managed to get a hold of some new teeth.
      • I'd love to wack one off in the M C G
      • YEAH I'D LOVE TO WHACK OFF ON THE MELBOURNE CRICKET GROUND! TO WHACK OFF ON HALLOWED TURF! I SAID THAT RIGHT DIDN'T I? I'M NOT GOOD WITH CRICKET TERMINOLOGY!
      • I'm lonely, does anyone know where you can get a blowup doll that listens to your problems then says "at least we've got each other!"
      • I've been watching the latest episodes of Wiggles world. You don't see much of Captain Pleasure Sword these days
      • I've created a new dating app called 'Steamer'It's for people who want to shit on other people's chests.
      • I've heard if you satisfy a Japanese woman sexually, they'll show you their appreciation by taking a dump on your chest.
      • It's funny how other cultures do things.
      • I can't get it up when I'm drunk. But I have good fingering skills.
      • I met this evangelical gay guy. He said the urge to follow Jesus was greater than his urge to suck dick. I said can't you do both.
      • The bushfires took everything. The photos of the kids. My wife's Princess Diana plate collection. My huge stack of porn.
      • I once shoved a carrot up my arse, not because sticking vegetables up my date is a kink of mine or something I enjoy. It was just an experiment to see if any of my ailments would be cured by sticking a carrot up my arse. Apparently, carrot smoothies are a known cure for cancer that is being suppressed by big pharma. So I thought, carrot smoothies. The next logical scientific step is to put a carrot up my arse. My wife participated by being part of the control group who didn't stick carrots up their arse.
      • I've started drawing live nudes, It's a good way to stare at naked women. I mean draw the beautiful female form. Geez, I almost put my foot in it.
      • IF YOU ASK ME, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN A SMOKE AND A GOOD PULL AFTER A WORKOUT!
      • Keep your clothes on, we're not even married yet.The eyes are the window to the back of the eyes.
      • KNOCK KNOCK!- JUST A MINUTE! - PUTS PANTS ON!
      • ladies, You have to kiss a few frogs before you can decide which frog is the best kisser.
      • Mum always says don't worry about the size of your penis which has me concerned about why I shouldn't be worrying about the size of my penis! because dad always says two inches is normal son so that makes me normal, is normal bad
      • Mum told me to stop spanking the monkey which is weird because we don't own a monkey
      • My necrophiliac friend thinks his new gf is drop-dead gorgeous.
      • My penis has stretch marks
      • My self-esteem has improved since I stopped going into the woods to masturbate
      • My wide calls me pickle dick, she loves a bit of pickle
      • My wife's a prude, she refuses to wear the gimp suit on Sundays!
      • Nancy wants bigger tits. All because I said I like girls with big tits. I also like girls sporting a ponytail, that doesn't mean she has to become ponytail girl.
      • Next time you're having a rough day, ask yourself: do I really need that third wank?
      • ONE OF THE GREATEST LESSONS I CAN IMPART UNTO ANY YOUNG MAN OF A CERTAIN AGE IS THAT IF YOU'RE GOING PULL YOUR PUDDING, DON'TFORGET TO DRAW THE BLINDS.
      • Put up your hand if you've had your dick caught in an exercise bike
      • SHE WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING I'VE EVER SEEN... FROM THE NECK DOWN!
      • Sister Margaret, you're not making an oversised dildo out of the kids modelling clay again, are you? You know if Father Brian finds out he will just have it confiscated and you will be put on toilet duties as before. Sorry, but you'll have to fire up the kiln Sister Agnes. I have a fire in my nether regions as I just glanced Father Paul at the lake bathing in his undergarments. Right you are Sister.
      • They're changing the name of the Hurtsberg Sausage Fest to the Hurtsburg Frankfurt Jamboree due to partygoers turning up for the wrong reasons. In a statement, the Mayor of Hurtsberg said, "People come from all around Germany with their families for good, wholesome fun and to eat our renowned sausages. The surge in numbers of perverts from across the globe has ruined what makes this festival great, sharing sausage with family."
      • So Trevor, how did you get this cuttlefish stuck in the end of your penis? I don't think that's any of your business.  I asked you to remove it, not to play twenty questions, and for your information, I wasn't fucking the cuttlefish!
      • TAKING A POLL.WHICH DO YOU PREFER?TITTIES OR BOOBIES?
      • TELL YOUR MUM TO BRING HER OWN BREAKFAST NEXT TIME!
      • Thanks to the internet I have seen more pussy than Ye Olde Kings of Europe! I no longer wack off in shopping malls!
      • Small things amuse small minds, that’s why I know there’s a girl out there for me!
      • My wife’s a prude, she refuses to wear the gimp suit on Sundays!
      • I love to get dirty and cover myself in plates!
      • THAT GIRL HAD MORE CURVES THAN A FUTURIST'S VISION OF THE FUTURE.
      • The big difference between making love and fucking is that one requires an intimate connection, and the other requires a latex suit and the new 'Cum Master 3000,' available at cummaster3000.com. I'm an investor. I've always been into insects. I love a thick juicy abdomen and a tight hard thorax, The more legs the better. I'm hard as a rock. It's completely up to you what you put up your backside, but you have to own the consequences.
      • There are different types of love! Love of God. Love of food. Love of a family member. In your case love of pork sausage.
      • Warren sat himself down next to Mary and started to explain his predicament. At that moment mary exclaimed loudly, "You pissed on the seat again you fucking animal, you can sleep outside like the fucking dog you are." Warren looked at Mary solemnly and said, "So now's not the best time to tell you about what I've managed to get stuck up my arsehole!"
      • WE’RE PROBING SPACE AND THE ALIENS ARE PROBING ASSHOLES!
      • WHAT ARE PEOPLES OPINIONS OF ANAL SEX? ONLY ON THE SABBATH, OR ANY DAY OF THE WEEK?
      • WHAT'S THE BEST LUBRICATING MOISTURISER
      • WHATS PEOPLES ATTITUDES TOWARDS WOMEN THESE DAYS? MEN HAVE TO SPEND LESS TIME OGLING TITTIES!CAN WE AGREE ON THAT?
      • WHEN THE NEIGHBOUR HAS A HORSE COCK AND YOUR WIFE STARTS TAKING AN INTEREST IN EQUINE STUDIES!
      • WHEN YOU ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXAMINE YOUR BALLS AND SHE DOES. THEN YOU SAY, "ALL BETTER!"
      • When walking the aisles of the local supermarket I sort products into wether or not they would fit in my butt
      • Whenever I go shopping I separate products into two categories. Things that will fit in my arse and things that won't. And then there's a third category I call 'risky!'
      • You're deep in the Amazon rainforest. you find a toad, an Anaconda and a sloth, which do you fuck first, go?
  • DON'T LET CRACK WHORES BABYSIT YOUR KIDS! THIS ISN'T A JOKE. IT'S A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!
  • You get a hundred years max. We're not here that long before we get put in a wooden box. That's why I'm so amazed that there aren't more orgies going on, at least that I'm aware of. The only get-togethers I'm invited to are focused on fondue or some shit.
  • The only things in this life that are for sure are death and taxes, and chlamydia if you're planning on sleeping with my ex-wife. Plus if you're rich enough you probably don't have to pay taxes.
  • Where do I go from here? After ten years of marriage, what is there to say after you catch her getting it on with the toaster? What did the toaster have that I didn't? Was I a selfish lover? I knew when I brought a four-slicer there was going to be trouble.
  • I love the way the breeze carreses my nipples, it's like fourplay, shut up mum, your inapropriate.
  • Imagine if you had taste buds on your dick. It could happen with evolution.
  • Penis size doesn't count for that much. My brother has the hot wife, and I own an expensive car.
  • At least these days you can stream porn without having to save it on your hard drive.
  • As a surgeon I'd have to say I'm suprised how many times I've had to fish something out of a grown mans arsehole.
  • People think I'm a pervert, but I just have a chemical imbalance. I'm eating more carrots, so that should kick in soon.
  • Whacking off's not something I do in public any more. Not since the court order.
  • Potatoes are definately the most versitile vegitable. You can fry the, make them, boil them. Crisps, Chips, Mash, Hash browns. You can peel them and see how many you can fit up your arse. They are truly versatile.
  • We can see what your doing even if you use incognito mode.
    • Jenny Paul 32 ASIO information analyst.
  • I changed the oliver twist song from you've got to pick a pocket or two, to you've got to squeeze a titty or two...I'm a pervert.
  • I'm sure that there are disadvantages to a huge penis, but that's something I'll ever have to worry about.
  • You get a hundred years max. Whe're not here long before we get put in a wooden box. That's why I'm so amazed there isn't more orgies going on. Atleast that I'm aware of. The only get togethers I'm invited to is the odd lemon party.
  • my dad brought a portaloo for out the back yard so he can go for a wank whenever he wants
    • can cucumbers give you herpes Jada plank 24
  • Take me home country road to a place where I can hide my porno mags in the bush.
  • If you really want your girl to love you, clean your pee pee before you ask her for head.
  • People say you have to take your shoes off in our house. Our running joke is you have to take your pants off in our house. You'd be suprised how often it leads to group sex.
  • Penis pumps don't even work. Not that I've tried one, but they don't work or some of them must have a faulty pump mechanism.
  • I brought lemons to a lemon party, boy did I get it wrong.
  • Bridget Jones and it's sequels are seminal works of british romantic comedy cinema. I find it difficult to say the word seminal with a straight face, because all I can think of is semen. Like as in seminal fluid, or what the young once call jizz, or come as it is coloquially known. Anyway I'm a fan of the movies.
  • Some people will never know the love of a cold dead jelly fish. Not the stingy ones of course . If you keep them in the fridge betwwen love make they can last weeks instead of days. So intense. So jellly jolly folly fun.
  • So I like to pull my dick out in public. If that's wrong, if that's unatural. I don't want to be right or natural. I'm an artist and my penis is my canvas. I want them to take the ankle bracelet off.
  • How times have changed. I stole sex, lies and videotape and basic instinct from blockbuster back in the day. That was my porn. These days kids can watch a girl get ploughed by a horse on their phones at the click of a few button.
  • There's far to much porn on the internet, I've hardly seen half of it.
  • tell me about the old ways father well son when I was your age we didn't have mobile phones to work off to would have to go to the outskirts of town and find titty mags hidden in the bush by local Purverts
  • Not everyone gets to experience the magic of getting so high you end up in emergency. It's sort like that thing where the guy chokes himself with a belt hanging of the door when he wacks off. Same sorta thing.
  • I love writing smut, and then wacking off to it. I don't do it for the noteriety.
  • I went on a sex holiday to new zealand, the sheep were easy to handle. 5 Stars.
  • Man you can't even go and wack off in the scrub the days. I've heard they set up cameras in the trees, least that's what mum say's. And she used to be police.
  • Whever I get stressed I turn to porn. I'm always stressed. Now I have two problems.
  • I had sex with a dry cleaner. Didn't get a discount. Very disappointed.
  • The problem is I haven't had sex in seven years and the desperation is written all over my face. I couldn't even pull an amputee and I'm not even into that shit.
  • I used to act like i wanted to have a gang bang but i was just trying to fit in with my friends. I don't want another guy seeing my whistle.
  • Brent Coasal - 22 - Blood nut
  • I sometimes sit in the car park at the supermarket and while watching all the women pass by I decide who id put one in of I had the chance, just to test my limits.
  • I'm a natural blonde. But your titties are fake right. Oh yeah I've had work, but I don't die my hair, so that pretty real.
  • My cock was a lot bigger before I gained the weight.
  • You can find love in the most mysterious of places. I found it with a cow. She's pregnant. Not to me of course, that would be impossible.
  • Apparently, there's a gland at the stem of your penis that secretes pheromones when you get an erection. It's funny the stuff you can learn if you know where to look.
  • Back in my day, we didn't have mobile phones and PlayStations for fun. We'd sit around and take turns at saying, "I'm not a pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son," as fast as we could.
  • Every lake is a body of water even a virgin can touch unless it's on private property.
  • There was a man named michael
    • He used to poke around his sword
    • and then he met young sharon
    • A fine young buxom broad
    • Now he keeps his sword sheved in his pants
    • Until it's late at night
    • For he only sleeps with sharon
    • And he thinks thats quite alright
  • dave: I think I may have caught herpes of my girlfriend.
    • Pete: your fake girlfriend lives in queensland you fucking liar.
    • dave: No I saw her last holidays. She stayed for two nights and then had to go back to compete in the australian gymnastics championships. Which she won.
  • If a tree falls
    • in the woods.
    • Who gives
    • a shit?
  • I CALL MYSELF A PIMP BECAUSE MY ROOM IS A BROTHEL
  • ALWAYS KEEP PANTS ON SO ANIMALS CAN'T BITE YOUR DOODLE!
  • NOTE: FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS BETWEEN GREASE
    • LIGHTNING AND NORMAL LIGHTNING?
  • ISN ‘ T IT FUNNY HOW THEY NAMED BIRDS AFTER TITS
  • The baby is Ishmails shh don't tell David
  • This is sick, twisted, and immoral thinking.
  • "Come in Andrew Slanderson.  I haven't seen your daddy in 20 years.  How is Strongarms Slanderson? It's Jessica. Now he goes by Jessica.
    • Well I'll be, my wife died three years back.  Can I have her number?"
  • Fourscore and seven years ago, was 87 years ago by the way.  Thank you very much.
  • Like Mum always said, "Go wash that stinky arsehole".  And so we do.  And so we do.
  • Mother always told me not to steel mr Devonport's pineapples, but I couldn't help but take mr Devonport's pineapples. And I'm not about to tell you where I put them.
  • SEEK TRUTH, SEEK JUSTICE, SEEK UNDERSTANDING.
  • Aiden eat your greens. but dad is rather eat a liberal, soon when you need to eat pilots goes out the window
  • I CALL MYSELF A PIMP BECAUSE MY ROOM IS A BROTHEL
  • ONE MISTAKE IN JUMP ROPE FOR HEART
  • WHY IS THERE A PATERNITY MATERNITY SECTION IN TARGET NOT A MATERNITY SECTION
  • I CAME SECOND IN JUMP ROPE FOR HEART. I MISSED ONE SKIP!
  • BECAUSE YOU'RE PICCOLO. JOE MY FAVOURITE LITTLE BOY. COSTS A $1.20
  • Failure was what they wanted and expected of me, anything more than failure made them feel uneasy and at a loss
  • I only took up bike riding so I had a reason to shave my legs. Have you ever worn stockings with hairy legs, it's not a good look. Don't tell my wife. This is between me and my boyfriend.
  • Farmers fed up with looking after livestock!
  • I'm a card-carrying card carrierLock-down, more like lock-frown
  • I broke my leg a few years back and had one of my mates ask how my 'front leg' was. I told him not half as bad as my 'back leg.'
• Big List (all - Didn't use)
  • Rules of Brown Club 1. If a member shits themselves all members must be pitch in to help cover it up. All members must keep silent about the issue or they become excommunicado. 2. Always carry a spare pair of undies and pants.
  • WIPE A BOOGER UNDER THE SEAT! HAVE GOOD LUCK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.
  • IMAGINE IF YOU HAD OCD. AND YOU GOT A BIT OF POOP ON YOUR FINGER!
  • THE NEXT BIG THING IS NAPPY NAPPIES. - ARE YOU PAYING A FORTUNE FOR DISPOSABLE NAPPIES? KEEP THEM CLEAN AND DRY WITH NAPPY NAPPIES...
  • IS SWEATY BALLS A CONDITION?
  • When you're squeezing out a toilet sausage and grandma bursts in and asks you to taste her lemon curd.
  • Isn't it funny - Gooba is Australian for golly , loogie is american for gooba, golly is english for flehm, and flehm is flehmish for dairy cow.
  • When your fart resonates at a gamma frequency and you for that moment are privy to all the hidden truths in the universe. True story, happened last Wednesday.
  • Do swimmers shave their ball sacks?
  • Ever take a dump on the bus just to prove a point
  • If you keep your penis clean, you don't have to wash your hands after a piddle
  • Filter your urines and save on hefty water bills
  • BY UNDERWEAR WITH MORE TESTICLE SUPPORT
  • IT’S GETTING HARDER TO TAKE A DUMP IN THE STREET THESE DAYS
  • WHEN YOU FART AND SAY, “THAT’S A SPICY MEATBALL”.
  • I subscribe to Flurfies law - People always turn up just after you've farted.
  • I COULD HAVE SWORN I HADN’T EATEN ANY CORN LATELY
  • Browne Sciences new load holding nappies can hold three full feCes loads guaranteed.  Or your money back.
  • When the last thing you use soap on is your asshole every morning and your wife has no idea why she keeps getting pink eye
  • Never forget to love with all your fart, from the bottom of your fart. Fart face, fart arse.
  • When you shit yourself and the seagulls start to flock looking for a feed of brown
  • tag someone who does big poo's that don't flush
  • Wipe a booger under the seat, have good luck for the rest of the week. My biggest bugbear is a tardegrade named Randy
  • If you don't shit yourself before breakfast are you even living
  • Would you consider poo and wee jokes lowbrow, or more middlebrow?
  • Ever shit yourself in the supermarket and throw your undies in the fridge behind the cheese's so nobody finds out?
  • i think i might be psychic, i once predicted id shit myself 15 seconds before it happened
  • Question what is Falls favourite food Darryl Lea chocolate or poop. The answer is poop
  • The wife must have had the kids from next door over, I have a brown texta marking towel
  • How much does it cost to get your butthole bleached? I've been using whitening toothpaste, but it's a bit too minty fresh
  • The staff at the hotel were rather rude. where else was I supposed to shit? in the toilet!
  • THERE AREN'T ENOUGH HOURS IN THE DAY FOR GOOD OLD FASHIONEDPISS FARTING ABOUT!
  • WHEN YOU FART SO HARD YOU FEEL THE BREEZE ON THE BACK OF YOUR ANKLES.
  • I just write about what I know! Poo and sometimes farts.
  • You have not lived til you have shit yourself in 35 degree heat on a  bus full of people
  • Every time I use binaural beats I shit myself, what's that about?
  • What is your problem said michael. Mind your own business neville. you've shit shit yourself havent you. no don't be ridiculus and mind your business. I can smell it michael. you should go home. ok then, i will go home but I havent shit myself so mind your own business.
  • You even scratch your ass because it's real itchy, then you go to smell your finger to see if it left residue, and then remember your second in line for the new iPhone.
  • All of us are pissing in the wind, but some of us are wise enough to change our direction, even if people can see your doodle.
  • Have you felt toilet paper lately, it seems a waste to use it on your arehole, I feel i should be making skarves out of it.
  • I'm not sure if there might be something wrong with me, my farts are putrid.
  • Men are so gross. They only learn how to wash their hands after they turn thirty-five.
  • I've got overactive cheese glands, the amount of smegma around my genital area is so great I can scrape off and by the afternoon there is enough to culture fifty Petri dishes.
  • Ever drink your own piss, it's not too bad. I'd give it a three out of five, although it's no Gatorade.
  • Sometimes when I've got a smelly bottom, I just disguise it with special magic. That's the name of my new cologne.
  • People call me an animal, but I shit in the shower like everyone else.
  • I often stay up at night and ponder questions like; what if water was brown? Because of course then you wouldn't be able to tell if there was a bit of shit mixed in with it.
  • What really gets on my goat is when I need to take a shit after having a shower. I just washed back there.
  • As my uncle used to say, "Sometimes you have to fart a few times before the shit comes out," and I live by that.
  • Home is where the fart is!
  • Every fart is a risk. You can never truly ever be a hundred percent certain you ain't gonna addle yourself. It happened to me in front of renowned composer John Williams. He did the soundtrack for Jaws by the way.
  • Sometimes I get up and go for a shit and I have this belief that I have two arseholes, and then I realise I only have one, it's a blowout.
  • Me and my husband are doing the whole calories in, calories out thing. I've gotten down to only three poo's a week. Which is great. I generally have a couple of cheat poo's I don't tell my husband about though.
  • I've got these pills that make you shit out of your arse. But I don't need them because I shit out my arse anyway.
  • I wrote a book called 'Where to hide your shitty undies.' It's a best seller in the age 6 to 12 market and also does well in the 75 to 100 demographic. It's a big hit in nursing homes.
  • Once I get my patent on my testicle wash, Johnson and Johnson won't be able to steal my idea and I'll corner the market on testicle washers. My uncle knows someone who knows about patents. I just want to get the formula right first.
  • Back in my day we'd shit in a bucket and put it around the cabbages.
  • The world has either gone nuts lately, or the internet has exposed how nutty people actually are. A girl videoed herself taking a shit and uploaded it to Facebook. I don't know whether it was supposed to be some sort of avant-garde art or some type of cringe comedy. Either way, it's a worrying sign of things to come.
  • I used to take my coffee orally, then I found out about the wonders of the coffee enema and I haven't looked back.
  • Like Mum always said, "Go wash that stinky arsehole".  And so we do!  And so we do!
  • If you accidentally drop a piece of shit in the dish you are preparing, add a bit of lime. It pairs well.
  • If you want people to smell your farts, just say can you smell something burning?
  • More kids would learn to read, if there were more kid's books about farts.
  • EVER SHIT YOURSELF IN THE SUPERMARKET AND THROW YOUR SHITTY UNDIES BEHIND THE TWO-LITRE MILKS IN THE FRIDGE SO NOBODY FINDS OUT?
  • THAT'S THE LAST TIME I GO INTO HARVEY NORMAN AND ASK THE GUYS ON THE FLOOR TO SAMPLE THEIR STOOLS. THOSE TWISTEDBASTARDS!
  • WHEN YOU TAKE A SHIT ON THE PLANE AND YOUR GUTS GET SUCKED OUT YOUR ARSEHOLE.
  • EVER TRY TO SQUEEZE OUT A HARD ONE AND ONE OF YOUR EYEBALLS POPS OUT OF ITS SOCKET?
  • !!!Attention!!!A LOT OF YOUNG COUPLES WITHHOLD THEIR FARTS FROM EACH OTHER EARLY ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP. PLEASE STOP HIDING WHO YOU ARE. IT'S FAR BETTER TO FIND OUT IF YOUR SMELLS ARE INCOMPATIBLE EARLY ON, RATHER THAN WAITING UNTIL YOU'VE MOVED IN TOGETHER AND HAD A COUPLE OF KIDS.THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
  • WHEN YOU DO A MASSIVE FART AND YOUR WOODEN LEG FALLS OFF. THENYOU REALISE YOU DON'T HAVE A WOODEN LEG!
  • IF YOU DO A BLACK POO, DON'T ASSUME YOU'VE BEEN POSSESSEDBY AN EVIL SPIRIT. YOU JUST PROBABLY ATE SOME LICORICE OR YOU MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM INTERNAL BLEEDING, SO CHIN UP!
  • I THINK I MIGHT BE PSYCHIC, I ONCE PREDICTED I'D SHIT MYSELF FIFTEEN SECONDS BEFORE IT HAPPENED!
  • I SHIT MYSELF AT MCDONALD'S AND DIALLED TRIPLE ZERO. IN HINDSIGHT I WISH I HAD RUN TO THE CAR AND DRIVEN MYSELF HOME RATHER THAN BRING THAT SORT OF ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
  • BEFORE TOILETS, PEOPLE USED TO SHIT IN A BUCKET IN THE CORNER OF THEIR CAVE
  • I wonder if aliens think we lay long brown eggs into white porcelain nests!
  • I need a toilet that can weigh my shit! So l can do the whole calories in, calories out thing.
  • THE BEST FARTSARE THE ONES THATRING OUT FOR 4 TO 5MINUTES AND HAVEA ORANGEY ZESTTO THEM.
  • why do flies always gather round the back of Dad's shorts?
  • I JUST WRITE ABOUT WHAT I KNOW! POOS ANDSOMETIMES FARTS.
  • QUICK POLLWHICH IS MORE ENJOYABLE?POOS OR WEES?
  • PEOPLE IN THE INTERNATIONAL FRIENDS OF FARTS CLUB ARE SOME OF THE KINDEST MOST DOWN TO EARTH PEOPLE I KNOW!
  • ALWAYS CLEAN YOUR BOTTOM TWICE TO MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MISS A BIT OF POOP!
  • WHEN YOU STICK YOUR FINGER IN YOUR CRACK TO SMELL IT AND SEE IF IT'S A SHOWER DAY AND YOUR BOSS SEES YOU AND SAYS, "YOU'RE ON CLEANING DUTIES FOR THE NEXT WEEK AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY MORE BURGERS UNTIL YOU FIX YOUR HYGIENE PROBLEM!" SO YOU TELL HIM IT'S JUST BECAUSE THE SHOWER IS BROKEN AT MUMS HOUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN STAYING AT DAD'S.
  • HEY MAN, CAN YOU DO ME A SOLID? NO WORRIES MANI'VE GOT ONE PREPARED,HOLD OUT YOUR HAND. DUDEIS THAT FECES!
  • DO YOU SUFFER FROM STANKIN' ARSEHOLE? NINE IN TEN PEOPLE WILL OVERTHEIR LIFETIME. SAY GOODBYE TO STANKIN'ARSEHOLE WITH THE ALL-NEW STANKARSE FIBRE FIT PRO WITHBUILT-IN RING WASH TECHNOLOGY.BUT TODAY WE HAVE ASPECIAL OFFER FOR THE READERS,IF YOU BUY ONE STANK ARSE FIBREFIT PRO. WE WILL THROWIN A STANK ARSE FIBRE FIT PRO JNR FORTHE KIDS. JUST PAY THE ADDITIONALPOSTAGE AND HANDLING.BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE, IF YOU REONE OF THE FIRST FIVEHUNDRED CALLERS YOU LL RECEIVEA FREE SOILED NAPPY IN THECOLOUR OF YOUR CHOICE. DON T MISSOUT. CALL 1800 STANKYBUTT TODAY.
  • If your finger ever breaks through the toilet paper and gets a bit of poop on it. Your best bet is to cut off that finger and flush it down the toilet with your poop. It's really your only responsible option!
  • Ever hear your wife go number one's and think, she could probably put out a house-fire with that stream.
  • FYI: Your first-ever shit is called the 'Meconium,' and it smells like the devil's nutsack.
  • Play the poo game! 12 points for a hardy, 30 points for a floater, 17 points for a soft-serve, 26 points for a liquid lunch, 28 points for a 12 incher and 16 points for pellets. Get the family involved. The person with the highest score at the end of the week gets a Chocito Bar.
  • There once was a man from NantucketWho'd take all his shits in a bucketWhen it got oldIt got covered in mouldAnd when it got fullHe would chuck it
  • Burps are just farts that went through the wrong tube!
  • Dad always says, "The dog did it!" But scruffy died two years ago!
  • when you shit yourself just for the fun of it. Then you realise mums not around to clean up your messes anymore!
  • Protip: Eat glitter to make your poos sparkly!
  • I could have sworn I hadn't eaten any corn!
  • If you eat a good diet of vegetables and nuts, you can cut down on toilet paper by snapping your turds off clean and not wiping.
  • NEVER FORGET TO LOVE WITH ALL YOUR FART, FROM THE BOTTOM OF YOUR FART.
  • THE STAFF AT THE HOTEL WERE RATHER RUDE. WHERE ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO SHIT? IN THE TOILET!
  • I SHIT MYSELF AT MCDONALD'S AND DIALLED TRIPLE ZERO. IN HINDSIGHTI WISH I HAD RUN TO THE CAR AND DROVE MYSELF HOME RATHER THAN BRING THAT SORT OF ATTENTION TO MYSELF.
  • IF YOU LEAN OVER TO DO A FART IN A RESTAURANT, BUT DON'T, BUT PEOPLE SEE YOU LEAN OVER, THEN SAY "GROSS!" BUT YOU DIDN'T! WHO IS IN THE RIGHT?
  • I SHIT MYSELF ON THE BUS AND PEOPLE MOVED AWAY FROM ME. PEOPLE ARE SO RUDE.  PITCH IN AND HELP ME CLEAN THIS MESS UP!
  • When you do your first bog of the morning and instantly feel lighter on your feet and ready for what the day throws at you.
  • When you've jogged two kilometres home to take care of an oncoming shit and you see your front door, so your body thinks it's a good time to go into load release mode.
  • Try the fart game. Get the family gathered around and let a ripe one off and see if they can tell what you've had for lunch. PROTIP: Get the kids involved early in order for them to develop their olfactory senses.
  • WHEN YOU HOLD YOUR HAND OUT AT THE CEREMONY AND YOUR WIFEGRABS YOUR FINGER TO PUT THE RING ON IT AND YOU LET ONE RIP AND  SAY, “IT'S A HAIR-TRIGGER!"
  • WHATEVER YOU DO. DON'T FORGET TO WASH YOUR ARSE.
  • PULL MY FINGER!
  • Thank you God, that you made farts invisible.Amen!
  • BEAR GRYLLS SHOULD TAKE IT TO THE NEXt LEVEL AND TAKE A DUMPON CAMERA, THEN PULL OUT HIS SURVIVAL SPORK AND GO TO TOWN!
  • FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL WASH YOUR SHEETS WHEN YOU WET THE BED AND NOT SOMEONE WHO WILL GO ROUND TELLING EVERYBODY!
  • If your mum shit herself, would you hide her shitty dacks for her?
  • CAN ANYBODY REMEMBER THE WORDS TO “THE DIRTY TOILET SONG?” THE BIT WHERE IT GOES, "DA DA DA DA DAA DA DA DA DAA DA DA."
  • THE WIFE MUST HAVE LET THE KIDS FROM NEXT DOOR COME OVER. I HAVE A BROWN TEXTA MARK ON MY TOWEL.
  • I'M WORKING ON A NEW PERIOD PIECE. THERE'S A LOT OF BLOOD INVOLVED!
  • YOU EVER SHIT YOURSELF IN THE SUPERMARKET AND THROW YOUR UNDIES IN THE FRIDGE BEHIND THE CHEESES SO NOBODY FINDS OUT?
  • Milk, Milk, Lemonade
  • QUICK POLL: WHAT IS MORE ENJOYABLE: POO'S OR WEE'S?
  • WHEN YOU DO A CRAPSO BIG YOU PETITION ASTATE FUNERAL
  • I FARTED ON A BUS AND EVERYONE LOOKED AT ME LIKE I'D POISONED THE AIR. ENJOY THE AROMA, YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARDS. I AM!
  • IT'S BETTER TO LOOKBACK ON LIFE AND SAY: "CAN'T BELIEVEI DID THAT!” THAN TO LOOKBACK AND SAY: “IWISH I DID THAT!”Well, really It depends what it is youdid. Shitting my pants was notsomethingI'm particularly proud of, but it seemedlike the best action to take at thetime. Looking back I should havetaken a shit in sporting goods behindthe rowing machine.
  • I ONLY TRUST PEOPLE WHO HAVE SHIT THEMSELVES AT LEAST ONCE IN PUBLIC. COMING THROUGH THE EXPERIENCE THESE PEOPLE GROW TO BE MORE COMPASSIONATE, DOWN TO EARTH INDIVIDUALS WHO KNOW THE TRAUMA FIRST HAND.
  • I only trust people who have shit themselves at least once in public. These people through the experience have grown and are more compassionate, down to earth individuals who know the trauma first hand.
  • Time for a bog song. While you're having a dump, make up a bog song. It's easy! Just describe the experience then put it into song. You can make up your own melody or choose a melody from one of your favourite non-bog related songs. Protip: This is great for drowning out sounds you don't want your dinner guests to hear.
  • Some people do one large poo every day. I like to portion mine out over four or five sittings.
  • Ever work in an office where the toilet was right next to everyone's desks, so you have to walk three blocks to the nearest public toilets so your colleagues couldn't hear you blow ass.
  • Do you have a UAI?Symptoms of 'Ultra Itchy Arsehole' include an itchy ring hole, scratching your ring hole, redness around the ring hole area, the urge to scratch your ring hole even though you're at a fancy restaurant, and smelly fingers.
  • ProTip: Poos won't flush? Put a stick beside the toilet to break your loaf into smaller more flushable pieces!
  • Farts bring family together
  • when you fart so loud the neighbours call the cops
  • Hold on, I need a shit!
  • The truth is I've got bogan blood running through my veins. I'm a carrier. My sister and two of her kids were hit particularly hard, as their bogan genes were dominant. There's really not much we can do for them. Besides buying them some devon every now and again.
  • First, it was Brisvegas. Then it was Brisneyland. What's next, Bristanbul?
  • I miss the good old days when potatoes came in hessian bags.
  • I miss mercantile mutual
  • What were Rafferties rules
  • AS FAR AS PELICANS GO, MR PERCIBLE WÁS UP THERE!
  • Have you ever had a dream so real you turned it into a book and that book becomes a bestseller?  Then you realise your dream was based on a foreign film you saw on SBS as a kid that you stayed up to watch so you could see some boobs? Nah, me neither.
  • WHAT’S JOHNATHON THURSTON’S LAST NAME?
  • I can't prove Darryl Sommers stole my watermelons, but if anyone was going to steal a watermelon it would be Darryl Sommers, the guy off Hey Hey.  My fucking watermelon.
  • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs. Touch, my arse.
  • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little twisties out of bigger twistees. I have around eight hundred minature twistees in my collection. I'd have more but sometimes I get a little peckish.
  • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
  • Pissing on a jellyfish works the same way as putting salt on a slug.
  • One day I hope to be a professional at something, maybe surfing. Who knows? Surfing's definitely an option, but I'm scared of bottle brushes.
  • Surfing is life. I live 400 kilometres from the nearest beach. I have no life.
  • First, it was Bris vegas. Then it was Brisneyland. What's next, Bristanbul?
  • This whole Australian of the year thing stinks of a cover-up. What's really going on?
  • The bush is a harsh place. There's no roof, or taps, or fridges. As a bushman myself, I'd say the bush is not only very dangerous but quite boring. And the food is awful. Have you ever eaten a bush fig? It's all skin and seeds. When I go on a trek into the bush, I can't wait to get back to town. You know, sit underneath the air-con and eat a hot pie. That's living. I'm thinking of getting a job at Woolies. Fuck the bush!
  • Steve Irwin is like a father to me. He gave me the courage to wrestle crocodiles. That's how I lost the arm.
  • I have the worst lawn on the street, and let me tell you it's not the best street, every year or so I get stuck in and clean up the yard. I keep it tidy for a while. Then I get cocky. I start judging people with unkempt gardens, feeling superior knowing I'm doing my bit for the neighbourhood. That's why when I inevitably give up, I don't mind having a bad lawn, it's good for street morale, they can look over at my house and feel smug and superior just like I do when I'm playing the status game of caring what people think.
  • I knew a bloke who would walk barefoot on catheads. Not the type of guy you wanna fuck with. But that didn't stop Stephen. May he rest in peace.
  • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs: touch my arse.
  • Elon musk is going to Mars and I'm going to the petrol station to buy smokes. Everyone has their thing.
  • The truth is, I've got bogan blood running through my veins. I'm a carrier. My sister and two of her kids were hit particularly hard, as their bogan genes were dominant. There's really not much we can do for them, besides buying them some devon every now and again.
  • I once went to a big party as Henry the octopus. Apparently, 'dress fancy' and 'fancy dress' are two different things. So here's everyone else in their gowns and tailored suits and here's me in an octopus costume. Anyway, we had the ceremony, and I got married.
  • I do not care if my ex-wife marries a man of good standing. Just a man with a decent heart will suffice. She really needs it after the shit I pulled because of my at the time untreated meth issues.
  • My wife was the breast. I mean best.
  • She was a lone feather is like a caterpillar without a leaf except the other way round.
  • My wife was like the sandwich I never had.
  • You ever get so invovled in eating your sandwich, you take a bite that includes one of your fingers.
  • She was the most beautiful creature on earth, who cares if she couldn’t cook a pavlova. That's a line from David Shoestrum's Eat, Pray, Fuck.
  • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little Twisties out of bigger Twisties. I have around eight hundred miniature Twisties in my collection. I'd have more, but sometimes I get a little peckish.
  • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come?
  • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a Thermomix!
  • I've recently gotten into bland food, nothing makes you feel healthier and lighter on your feet, than a vegetable not smothered in gravy. I mean, I love rich hearty food, and I make a lot of it. But now I'm getting older and fatter than two Asian people tied together, I have to think about my health. So when my wife gave me meat and vegetables that were fucking steamed, I thought this is pretty good, maybe I don't need four heaped tablespoons of bechamel powder and a big squirt of honey mixed with water in an oversized mug to make the meal palatable.
  • You ever had a blocked nose while being so hungry that you're devouring a pack of Doritos by the handful and you start to suffocate, or worse, you take a big breath in and get a heap of Dorito fragments stuck in your lung?
  • Daryl Braithwaite sang other songs that weren't about horses.
  • A HAIKU ON POETRY: POETRY IS LIKE MUSIC BUT, YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW HOW TO SING OR PERFORM IN A BAND
  • I was talking to this old duck and used a few big words she must not have understood. I wasn't being verbose, the words were just correct for what I was trying to explain. So the old duck said, "That's very planatrifical, that's a big word isn't it?". Old duck thought I was making words up because she never heard them before.
  •  I'm going to write a detective novel about a guy called dickshits. A name like that is fodder for a lot of funny conversations like "Did you just say your name was dickshits or did you just say you've got shit on your dick." The laughs are endless. But in general it's going to be a serious take on solving crime which will be an allegory to the current education system, highlighting all it's flaws. But I'll draw people in with the dickshits thing.
  • I'm reading Kevin Anderson's 'Road to Nowhere'. The book has me lost.
  • Tony Piccolo is the villain in my novel, but also the victim. When I decided to become a novelist, it was because I wanted to depict complex characters like myself. Tony has an eyepatch which signifies his villainous motives and his catchphrase is death comes to all who cross my path, and that lets people know about his inner turmoil and how he's not mucking about. he was bullied as a kid because he had one of those funny eyes that doesn't look at you and that's where his rage comes from and the story unfolds from there. I've written the first two chapters it's taken me four years because setting everything up was the hard part. it should just write itself at this point
  • Have you ever had a dream so real you turned it into a book and that book becomes a bestseller? Then you realise your dream was based on a foreign film you saw on SBS as a kid that you stayed up to watch so you could see some boobs? Nah, me neither.
  • I'm writing about a fisherman stuck in the wilderness away from any fishable bodies of water and he has to survive. It's called a fisherman out of water and is an alegory for the inequalities in our legal system.
  • in my book, Kernaghan's Way, I write this funny story about how the men are walking through a tunnel and one of them says there is light at the end of the tunnel and the other guy says look out it's a train, I love that bit
  • I love the writing process. Bringing words to life. Here is a line from my latest detective novel. "He hurriedly walked to the toilet while keeping his butt cheeks tightly bonded together like two love birds. His belly was erupting like Mount Vesuvius. A cataclysm was about to take place. It was an intense minute that felt like forty seconds. Would he cut the right wire or would his pants explode in the mall in front of all the innocent bystanders? Red wire, blue wire. Red wired, blue wire." I love that part, the use of words makes it so visceral.
  • You can't possibly know all the hurt in my heart but you can certainly read about it in my new book: The hurt in My Heart.
  • I stared at the blank screen for four days and then it came to me, pigeons, I'll write a book about pigeons. It wasn't till a few hours later I came to the realisation I knew little of the bird and its ways.
  • the best thing about writing fiction is you can make your enemies in real life the bad guys in your stories
  • Writing is for douchebags who can't say it to your face
  • Words are cheap, I picked up a pack of twenty-four for five dollars yesterday.
  • Writing prose is like drinking a fine wine. Sometimes you fart out your arse.
  • begin with the thing that haunts you the game with the thing that brings you most Joy begin with the truth begin with the funniest story or the deepest wound just begin
  • Ideas for new projects are dangerous. They can be so enticing that they threaten the completion of your existing projects.
  • Sometimes the words flow, sometimes it's a trickle.
  • Sometimes I wish I'd just get sent to prison, so I can have more time to write.
  • I sit in wait for the words to come. When they do I must snatch them out of the air before they escape.
  • I've really been struggling to write lately. I'm not angry at anyone.
  • I don't write, I make lists. I have lists up the wazoo. I have a list of books I want to write, and each book contains a list of topics. None of those topics have been extrapolated into sentences, that's beyond me. I'm a glorified list maker.
  • As a writer sometimes I think I would have been better off doing finger painting.
  • I'm doing what I was born to do. Writing nonsense and being bitterly disapointed by it.
  • I give up...I'm a fucking loser... Dead set fucking loser cunt... Arshole...Brainless...Featherbrain... Choko eater...
  • I'm very cultured for a guy who's lived his whole life in a Petri dish.
  • I'm good a counting cards. There's fifty-two, not including the jokers.
  • One day I'm gonna win a Nobel prize, just got to think of somthing clever.
  • People don't remember Timmy Peppernil like I do. He was the O.G. before Ultimate Frisbee was cool.
  • The mood at the funeral was pretty somber. I think they needed some more upbeat music.
  • People don't give sticks enough credit.
  • Twenty-seven years ago my leg fell off. I'm not about to let that happen again.
  • French joke: Jabristios is jargon for Sellafacetious.
  • Fuck Formula One, I race potatoes in Formula Twelve.
  • Did you know that there are more stars in the sky than there are Skittles in one of those really large packs of Skittles?
  • My heart is filled with trifle. The trifle of love. It's in my heart. Custard, cake, jelly, and whatever else goes into trifles. That is what is in my heart.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he lived down that way somewhere I spose. Who knows, it's a chicken.
  • He said, "Chumly bring me my pants. I'm going for a walk". Then I said, "But sir you can't walk on account of you having no legs." "Oh," he said. Then he said, "Chumly, bring me my wheelchair, you're going on a walk." That's when I snapped.
  • Everyone is trying to prove something. I'm trying to prove that the second law of thermodynamics is in fact incorrect.
  • I've got this big idea that might change the world, but I can't tell you in case you steal it and sell it to Schick or Gillette. I'll give you a hint; more blades.
  • You know what they say, "You eat enough chicken nuggets, you end up developing nugget powers."
  • The history of the banana is quite fascinating.
  • How did the blind man know the bucket was white? Because it was pale. I made that one up. How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb? I haven't thought of an ending for that one yet.
  • The flavours gone out of my life since my wife left. It used to have a kind of a fruits of the forest taste with a hint of vanilla.
  • I don't even think pickpockets exist, I think people just lose their wallets and are ready to blame someone for their own ineptitude.
  • I had a vision of a better world, one with free ice cream on every corner. I'm waiting for my next vision, maybe other stuff will be free.
  • Everyone ends up being food for the grubs, that's why I want a plastic coffin.
  • Apparently, the French knew about Pearl Harbor but kept it a secret so they could bomb Russia with the nukes. That's why the Dutch won World War IV.
  • I take notes on everything so I don't forget anything. The other day I forgot my diabetes medication. I checked back on my notes and I didn't record it. There you go! But I did record that I did a black poo. Which had me worried until I checked my notes and it turns out I ate a bag of licorice the day before. That's why I keep notes.
  • Gordon Wells owes me sixteen dollars for the cigarettes I bought him back in '98. But I'm just too scared to bring it up. I want my money but I've left it so long I feel weird asking. But it's my money.
  • Four score and seven years ago, I was minus two score and nine. Just kidding I ain't got time for math. I only know I was in a state of non-existence.
  • The hardest thing in the world is loss. I grieve the loss of my glasses. It's really hard to move forward because I can't see properly.
  • They will want to take your power and your mind. Assimilate and subordinate. I say, yeah, na, bruv. You don't hold the keys to the kingdom beyond the machine you help power.
  • My phase blaster is broken, guess I won`t be doing anymore killin' today. #powerforceunited
  • THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA WAS ONCE CALLED THE TOWER OF PISA
  • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
  • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
  • IN THE FUTURE THEY WILL be DATA MINING FOR ANCIENT GIFS
  • Is the stapler named after staples or are staples named after the stapler?
  • Fourscore and seven years ago, was 87 years ago by the way. Thank you very much.
  • The prime derivative of any sequential deviation point is the starting reference of the Euler curve. Just kidding I don't know math, did I sound clever?
  • Lying is tantamount to not telling the truth.
  • I thank the lord for every day that I have not had to lie in an infomercial about the impact, a product has had on my life.
  • "You'll never amount to anything" said Zero's mother.
  • NOTE TO SELF - THINK OF NICE THINGS TO SAY BEHIND PEOPLE'S BACKS!
  • "I AM A ROBOT! BEEP BOOP BOOP, BEEP.  BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOP. BEEP BOOP BOOP. I AM A ROBOT!” - 17580075U
  • ARE YOU READY FOR MEANINGLESS DRIVEL DEVOID OF ALL SUBSTANCE!
  • I DESIGNED A TURTLE TRAP! BUT I'M KEEPING IT TO MYSELF, FOR THE SAKE OF THE TURTLES!
  • PICK A CARD ANY CARD, NOT THAT ONE DICKHEAD.
  • I WAS ONCE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! NOW I DO KNOW EVERYTHING I KNOW THAT I WAS WRONG!
  • TAKE A PICTURE IT LASTS LONGER. OKAY. CAN YOU STAND A BIT TO THE LEFT?
  • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all, that's why I carry around a box of tissues.
  • I WAS ALIVE WHEN STICKS WERE USED AS MONEY!
  • IMAGINE HAVING MAGICAL POWERS, BUT HAVING TO KEEP IT A SECRET SO OTHERS DON'T GET JEALOUS. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.
  • ANYONE KNOW OF A GOOD STICK RETAILER. I'VE WORN ALL MINE DOWN TO THE NUB. I FOUND ONE UNDER A TREE ONCE, BUT LIGHTNING DOESN'T STRIKE TWICE. I'M JUST NEED A GOOD HONEST STICK PROVIDER THAT DOESN'T CHARGE AN ARM AND A LEG.
  • Can you eat "crab apples" or are they just for the crabs?
  • I saved some money the other day. it fell in the river. poor bugger was never taught how to swim.
  • If there’s a famine all us fat bastards are going to outlive you skinny types. Bahaahaha Bahahaahaha Bahahahaa Haa
  • I GET THE FEELING THE MOON HAS A DARK SIDE
  • ALL JOKING ASIDE THAT SHIT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS
  • I just didn’t have hate in me. That’s why they hated me the most! - Julie Bertrude (Dinner at Aunt Kathryns)
  • “Sit down and shut up,” said Mary the Robot. “Sit up and shut down,” I commanded. - Patience Daily (Titanium Love)
  • My hemorrhoid has hemorrhoids, poor bugger. I call him Grayson Featherbottom the third. He drinks port and calls me names after a tipple. His mum died three weeks ago of botulism. I forgive you, Grayson, life has dealt you an unfair hand.
  • I tell this joke post humorously as it used to be funny
  • Pick a card any card, not that one dickhead.
  • I downloaded an audiobook on how to speak German. I couldn't understand a word!
  • The future of aviation is up in the air
  • Gather those of simple means and of hearty spirits and healthy lungs. sing a song and speak in prose of a time now lost not too long ago without internet and mobile phone. Some would say better times!
  • The leaning Tower of Pisa was once called the tower of Pisa
  • I came across some petrified wood on a bush walk, I had no idea what the little bugger was so scared about
  • Are you ready for meaningless Drival devoid of all substance
  • Imagine a comic strip with a bowl of crab apples and a person's true to buy them and then the grocer appear a and he's a crab and he says you can't buy them they are crab apples
  • I'm not after cheap laughs but if you know of any I'm buy them off you, 50cents each out 3 for a dollar
  • Tally wacker is another name for a doodle which is another name for a cartoonish drawing
  • You need to go out at dusk. Bring a mango, some string and a woođen spoon. A live chicken wouldn't hurt either.
  • IT'S RAINING HAILSTONES THE SIZE OF HAILSTONES OUTSIDE.
  • That wall is 'Ralph Waldo Emmerson' And the wall is 'Wall-e' and the other wall is 'Bruce' He was named after my uncle of the same name. Hey Brucey, you're a good little wall, yes you are! You have structural integrity, yes you do.
  • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever!'
  • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard-coloured corduroy pants, a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber's face on it.
  • People aren't into sleepovers anymore. I wasted my money on that big-screen TV.
  • If my life is a movie, It's a low-budget indie film.
  • Where do I begin, it all started when I ate a week-old bagel. That's when the powers came. I am Mould Man—King of Decay.
  • When it comes to television the left has heart and the right has impressive explosions.
  • Is it just me or does the smirk at the base of the Amazon Logo look like the underside of a bendy penis?
  • We are lesser for not having Blockbuster in our lives.
  • I brought a caravan to travel. I downloaded this movie called 'Caravan of Courage'. It wasn't about caravans.
  • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music growing up. They're all a bunch of Racists! Ask Grandma what she thinks of NWA and you'll get the picture.
  • How fake is TV?
  • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like, look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters! But it doesn't. And they don't.
  • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
  • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
  • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
  • Toblerone thinks they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
  • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and thrown it into the fires of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
  • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
  • My methodology is that people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they should be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really, if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
  • The sorting hat put me in Slytherin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
  • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the Matrix.
  • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play Mario Kart.
  • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called Gilligans.
  • I can't work out if Don't Look Up was a seminal work of genius. Or it's just a simple allegory of someone who just looked out the window.
  • I got right into pokemon go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
  • Remember tango and cash? Do you mean the Last tango in Paris? No, that's a different movie. Oh, the one with the dog. No, that's Tango and Hooch. I think you mean Hooch and Turner
  • Being that there's a reality show about four older Teletubbies and a bunch of little Teletubbies. We can posit there are more of these fuckers out there. We shouldn't buy into their cutesy bullshit. We have to interrogate them and find out what their plan is. We can't assume they all just fang about in the scrub twenty-four-seven. They use advanced technologies, which means they may be able to produce advanced weapons. Maybe they plan a full-scale eradication of all human life, and if this is the case, we must act now before they initiate their plan.
  • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever!'
  • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard coloured Corduroy pants and a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber face on it.
  • People aren't into sleepovers anymore. I wasted my money on that big screen TV.
  • If my life is a movie, It's a low budget indie film.
  • Where do I begin, it all started when I ate a week old bagel. That's when the powers came. I am Mould Man. King of Decay.
  • When it comes to telivision the left have heart and the right has impressive explosions.
  • Is it just me or does the arrow at the base of the Amazon Logo look like the underside of a bendy penis?
  • We are lesser for not having blockbuster
  • I brought a caravan to travel. I downloaded this movie called 'Caravan of Courage'. It wasn't about caravans.
  • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music as kids. Racists!
  • How fake is TV?
  • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like, look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters! But it doesn't. And they don't.
  • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
  • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
  • What if we were all created to be special, and we all had our own series on HBO?
  • Michael Jackson was a pervert. But that doesn't mean he didn't make some fantastic music.
  • I'm big on TikTok. Like I'm not big on TikTok. But I like it.
  • Remember Basil Brush? I don't. I'm too young to remember Basil Brush.
  • If I was in Game of Thrones, I'd be a Targaryen because I can control dragons.
  • Every now and again I put on the radio and think, this is quite good. I'm going to put on the radio more often. But then I forget and go back to watching YouTube and listening to podcasts.
  • Bojack is not even a real horse, it's a voice actor playing a horse.
  • If you have a song in your heart and a hop in your step. You should probably look into making a musical. Perhaps about a rabbit.
  • The marvels of the DC Universe are a marvel. See what I did there. I'm not boring, if that's what you think.
  • If the matrix is set in the USA, it's part of the Marvel universe. Am I right?
  • Never meet your idols. I met Madonna, and she smelt like goat cheese.
  • Might do a movie marathon. I'm gonna put the treadmill in front of the TV.
  • I got right into Pokemon Go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
  • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
  • Toblerone thinks they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
  • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and thrown it into the fires of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
  • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
  • Is the GFunk era over or are we still in it?
  • People get all wrapped up in the MCU, it's crazy. It's make-believe guys. The DC universe is heaps more real.
  • KFC is not made out of rabbits. That's a lie probably spread by Mcdonald's, who makes their thick shakes out of pig fat.
  • Jack Sparrow. I know that name from somewhere. I think we used to do tenpin together. No, that was Jack Spears. He probably went to my school. He was probably that dude with the parrot and the funny hat.
  • Everyone's always Marky Mark this and Marky Mark that, but what about the Funky Bunch?
  • My methodology is that people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they should be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really, if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
  • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the Matrix.
  • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play Mario kart.
  • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called Gilligans.
  • The sorting hat put me in Slytherin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
  • I can't work out if Don't look up was a seminal work of geneous. Or its just a simple alegory of someone who just looked out the window.
  • How fake is TV?
  • We used to all watch TV. It was a communal activity. Now we don't and all the TV personalities are like look at me. I'm still important. My opinion matters. But it doesn't. And they don't.
  • Imagine if celebrities were like real people. Like they had souls.
  • I was banned from KFC. But I've got a fake moustache. Gotta get my chicken.
  • Paramount Pictures presents 'Who gives a fuck', starring 'I don't care' and featuring 'whatever'.
  • What if we were all created to be special and we all had our own series on HBO.
  • Michael Jackson was a pervert. But that doesn't mean he didn't make some fantastic music.
  • I'm big on TikTok. Like I'm not big on TikTok. But I like it.
  • Remember Basil Brush? I don't, I'm too young to remember Basil Brush.
  • If I was in Game of Thrones I'd be a Targerion because I can control dragons.
  • Every now and again I put on the radio and think this is quite good, I'm going to put on the radio more often. But then I forget and go back to watching youtube and listening to podcasts.
  • Bojack is not even a real horse, it's a voice actor playing a horse.
  • If you have a song in your heart and a hop in your step. You should probably look into making a musical. Perhaps about a rabbit.
  • The marvels of the DC Universe are a Marvel. See what I did there. I'm not boring if that's what you think.
  • If the matrix is set in the USA, it's part of the Marvel universe. Am I right?
  • Never meet your idols. I met Madonna and she smelt like goat cheese.
  • People say the jews are the problem. But some sitcoms are quite good.
  • Might do a movie marathon. I'm gonna put the treadmill in front of the TV.
  • I got right into pokemon go. I had to catch 'em all. But then I got hit by that car. Fuck Pokemon, it ruined my life.
  • I'm trending on Twitter. This is the second time I've been cancelled.
  • Toblerones think they're real clever with the whole triangle thing.
  • I would have taken the ring to Mordor and threw it into the fire's of Mount Doom. I'm not affected by dark magic.
  • I have no idea who Cindy Margolis is, but I've heard her name mentioned three times this week. I'm scared to look her up on Google in case she's a porn star. I'm not going down that rabbit hole again.
  • Is the GFunk era over or are we still in it?
  • People get all wrapped up in the MCU, it's crazy. It's make-believe guys. The DC universe is heaps more real.
  • KFC is not made out of rabbits. That's a lie probably spread by McDonald who make their thick shakes out of pig fat.
  • Jack Sparrow, I know that name from somewhere. I think we used to do Tenpin together. No, that was Jack Spears. He probably went to my school. He was probably that dude with the parrot and the funny hat.
  • Everyone's always Marky Mark this and Marky Mark that, but what about the Funky Bunch.
  • Being that there's a reality show about four older Teletubbies and a bunch of little Teletubbies. We can posit there is more of these fuckers out there. We shouldn't buy into their cutesy bullshit. We have to interrogate them and find out what their plan is. We can't assume they all just fang about in the scrub twenty-four seven. They use advanced technologies which means they may be able to produce advanced weapons. Maybe they plan a full scale eradication of all human life, and if this is the case we must act now before they intiate their plan.
  • My methodology is, people can pick whatever house they wish to be in. If they want to be in Hufflepuff, they shoulld be allowed to be in Hufflepuff. Because really if we're being honest, the sorting hat is not even real.
  • I once saw the same cat twice. That's how I know we're living in the matrix.
  • Some people think I'm a geek, but they've never seen me play mariokart.
  • I checked on Google Earth. There's no island called gilligans.
  • The sorting hat put me in Sliverin. I turned one person into a frog and now I'm being punished.
  • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORYNEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
  • Remember 'Henderson Kids II', where the kids moved a town over, then a lot of their friends ended up moving too. That's what it was like for me. Do you remember the theme song? You can listen to it on youtube.
  • Does anyone know what Roger Ramjet's name was before he got famous? I remember it was something weird like Astrin or something, it's worth looking into.
  • I'VE BEEN THINKING OF WRITING A PLAY CALLED EASTSIDE STORY, IT'S A HOMAGE TO WESTSIDE STORY BUT SET IN CHINA!
  • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE.' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORY NEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
  • MICHAEL BUBLÉ WOULD SELL HEAPS MORE ALBUMS IN THE BOYS AGED 8 TO 12 MARKET IF HE CHANGED HIS NAME TO MICHAELBOOBLICK. JUST SAYIN!
  • "The greatest gift you can give to another is the gift of cookies,' said the blue monster.
  • I'M WRITING A SCRIPT FOR A MOVIE CALLED 'BATTLE FORCE' IT'S SET IN SPACE AND THEY'LL BE A THOUSAND YEARS WAR DEVASTATING THE GALAXY. DOES SOMEONE WANT TO FLESH IT OUT FOR ME? THIS STORY NEEDS SOME MEAT ON ITS BONES BEFORE I TAKE IT TO A STUDIO.
  • I’M MAKING A MOVIE BASED ON A FISH WHO DRESSES UP AS AN OLD WOMAN THAT GETS A JOB AS A NANNY FOR HIS KIDS. SO HE CAN BE CLOSE TO THEM. IT'S CALL ‘MRS TROUTFIRE'
  • DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT ROGER RAMJET'S NAME WAS BEFORE HE GOT FAMOUS? | REMEMBER IT WAS SOMETHING WEIRD LIKE ASTRIN OR SOMETHING. IT'S WORTH LOOKING INTO.
  • IS LENNY KRAVITZ A TURQUOISE OR A SAGITARIUS?
  • The premise of the story is that the Grandmother is a powerful Witch. But she has Alzheimer's, so she forgets she's a witch. But that's not the best bit. The best bit is that she is also part vampire, so the sun hurts her eyes.
  • Jophrey was just misunderstood #GOT
  • In a strange turn of events, Daryl Braithwaite gives Sarah Jessica Parker a horsey ride
  • Fashion is for people who can't Rock a blue skivvy with mustard coloured Corduroy pants and a pair of crocks and a trucker hat with Justin Beiber face on it.
  • NOTE: FIGURE OUT WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS BETWEEN GREASE LIGHTNING AND NORMAL LIGHTNING?
  • IS LENNY KRAVITZ A TURQUOISE OR A LIBRA?
  • IS MARKY MARK STILL PART OF THE FUNKY BUNCH?
  • DID BARRY GIBBS WORK THINGS OUT WITH THE CHILLI PEPPERS?
  • WHAT WERE RAFFERTY‘S RULES
  • SET AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE BETTY DAVIS EYE CLINIC
  • WAS WHISPERING JACK AND JOHN FARNHAM THE SAME PERSON
  • WAS H. R. PUFF’N’STUFF BASED ON A TRUE STORY?
  • WAS MAGNUM P.I. GAY OR JUST HIS BOYFRIEND?
  • It’s so much harder to be a fame-seeking attention whore in Australia. The encouragement for any type of overt narcissism is frowned upon, things are so bad that you seem to need a prerequisite of talent before people will even take an interest in what a special snowflake you are, and I for one am sick of it.
  • That wall is "Ralph Waldo Emmerson," and the wall is "Wall-e," and the other wall is "Bruce," he was named after my uncle of the same name. Hey Brucey, you're a good little wall, yes you are, you have structural integrity, yes you do.
  • Michael buble would sell heaps more albums in the boys aged 8 to 12 market if he changed his name to michael booblick.
  • Shania Twain better not come around my house talking smack about my family!
  • Toby, you are tasked with saving humanity. What do you do when the aliens arrive. Cry then beg for clemency. That's right Toby, don't be afraid to show your emotions, show them we are more than angry meat sacks, make love to them if you have to. It's all up to you Toby.
  • They're making a prequel to 'The Sixth Sense' called 'The Fifth Sense." It's about a funeral director. The tagline is "I smell dead people!"
  • I want a scroll down button on the side of my phone. Sick of the two-handed bullshit
  • Piracy is theft. you wouldn't download a car! actually I would if it was a torrent!
  • Its 2340 and I'm one of a small group of humans that were born naturally. They call us the naturals and we have special powers which allow us to feed off crystal energy. this power was first discovered in 2019. before the cyborgs, by a woman named Karen who could tell people's future and could talk to Ghosts.
  • I've been thinking of writing a play called east side story, it's an homage to West side story but set in China
  • Barren at 24 - the Judith blomsky story
  • WHAT'S GARGAMELS FAVOURITE MEAL? SMURF AND TURF!
  • I'm developing a new gang of superheroes called 'the Mediterraneans' there's 'Captain Carbonara' he's the leader. Then there's the 'paella Prince' he's the plucky good-looking one. 'souvlaki soldier' is seven feet tall and built like a brick shithouse. 'Lady Lasagne' is their media advisor and an expert at game theory. And then there is their canine pal the 'Italian sausage dog!'
  • Remember that line in the Simpsons where they said that thing, total classic
  • How times have changed. I stole the movie, "Sex, Lies and Videotape" and also "Basic Instinct" from blockbuster back in the day. That was my porn. These days kids can watch a girl get ploughed by a horse on their phones at the click of a few buttons.
  • Bridget Jones and its sequels are seminal works of British romantic comedy cinema. I find it difficult to say the word seminal with a straight face because all I can think of is semen. Like as in seminal fluid, or what the young ones call 'jizz', or 'come' as it is colloquially known. Anyway, I'm a fan of the movies.
  • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE ABOUT A MAN WHO LOSES HIS MIND AND THEN FINDS A BAG OF MARBLES. HE TELLS EVERYONE HE FOUND HIS MARBLES BUT NO ONE BELIEVES HIM UNTIL HE BUILDS A TIME MACHINE.
  • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE WHERE FAMOUS ACTORS DO PARTS WHERE THEY DIE STRAIGHT AWAY AND THE BLACK GUY AND THE RAT FACED CHAP SURVIVE UNTIL THE END
  • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE ABOUT FOUR ALIENS THAT COME TO EARTH AND THEY ABSOLUTELY LOVE PIZZA. SORT OF LIKE NINJA TURTLES BUT BETTER BECAUSE THEY HAVE MAGICAL POWERS!
  • I'VE GOT THIS IDEA FOR A MOVIE, IT'S CALLED COLONEL WINCHESTERS MAGIC NINE, AND THERE WILL BE NINE PEOPLE WITHMAGICAL POWERS IN IT, AND THEY'LL ALL DEFEAT A COMMON ENEMY, IT'LL BE GREAT, IF
  • YOU'VE GOT ANY IDEAS FOR THE SCRIPT OR WANT TO FLESH OUT A COUPLE OF CHAPTERS FOR ME, SEND THEM TO ME at: big johnson 69 at hotmail.com
  • This whole Australian of the year thing stinks of a cover-up, what's really going on?
  • Why did you start killing again Brian? Well ever since my counsellor died in mysterious circumstances, the urge to kill has been something I can't talk about with anyone. Next thing I know, murder, murder murder, kill, kill, kill. You know how it is.
  • There once lived a man near Wellington. Who listened to Martin Seligman. He tried to be happy. But his life was too crappy. So decided the man was a pelican.
  • 40% of life is about doing things. The other 60%, so eat your breakfast.
  • You can be so wrapped up in negativity that when you meet someone positive you think "BULLSHIT THEY'RE FAKING IT!"
  • Question: DEAR RICKY, I HAVE A LUMP ON MY TESTICLE, WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?  CHEERS BRUCE. Answer: LISTEN YOU PERVE. I HELP PEOPLE FOR A LIVING AND YOU WRITE TO ME WITH THIS SMUT, GROW UP BRUCE!
  • BE KIND TO THOSE WHO HAVEN'T GOT LONG TO LIVE!
  • Your opinion is not my reality. That entirely depends on my opinion.
  • The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.” This might be a bit bullshit. I know a few lonely, sad, and damaged people who are just arseholes!
  • CELEBRATE HUMANITY BY NOT BEING A DICK
  • NOTE: APOLOGISE PERSONALLY TO EACH OF THE EIGHT VICTIMS IN THE ACCIDENT
  • HAD A FISTFIGHT DOWN THE STREET TODAY, THIS OLD LADY WAS VOICING HER OPINION ON SAME-SEX MARRIAGE SAYING, "It's Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve" I SLAUGHTERED HER, LET THAT BE A LESSON TO YOU ALL
  • HI DENNIS, I LOVE THE NEW IDEAS FOR THIS YEARS HARMONY DAY. ISOLATING A MINORITY GROUP AND TARGETING THEM SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
  • ARE YOU READY TO LAUGH! WELL I'M SORRY BUT I'M NOT SOME PERFORMING CLOWN. I HAVE FEELINGS!
  • I'M SORRY TO ALL THE VICTIMS OF MY MALIGNANT NARCISSISM. IT CAN'T BE EASY BEING AROUND SOMEONE THIS FUCKING AWESOME!
  • DRUGS DON'T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO TAKE DRUGS KILL PEOPLE.
  • STOP BLAMING EVERYONE FOR YOUR PROBLEMS, YOU'LL GET EVERYONE OFFSIDE. JUST BLAME ONE PERSON AND POINT THE FINGER AT THEM FOR YOUR SHITTY LIFE AND YOUR BAD CHOICES!
  • DON'T BE SCARED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO CARRY THAT DEAD BODY DOWN THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS ON YOUR OWN...
  • ANYONE STRUGGLING WITH DRUGS. The TRICK IS TO FIND A RELIABLE DEALER.
  • “MEREDITH CAN YOU PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON HONEY, YOU'RE SCARING THE NEIGHBOURS”
  • SHORT PEOPLE SHOULD HAVE THE SAME RIGHTS AS TALL PEOPLE
  • TAKE CARE OF YOUR ELDERS WHEN THEIR OLD AND CAN'T DO SHIT WELL!
  • BE KIND TO THOSE WHO DONT HAVE MUCH. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THEM TO STEAL YOUR SHIT!
  • YOU'RE LISTENING TO YOUR FAVOURITE TUNES ON THE TRAIN AND EVERYONE STANDS UP AND SAYS, “TURN THAT SHIT UP!” BECAUSE YOU'RE PART OF THE FLASH MOB!
  • I KNEW THE MOMENT I HIT ROCK BOTTOM THAT A SHOVEL WASN'T GONNA DO THE JOB. I NEEDED A JACKHAMMER AND SOME TNT!
  • I BROKE MY LEG A FEW YEARS BACK AND HAD ONE OF MY MATES ASK HOW MY ‘FRONT LEG’ WAS. I TOLD HIM NOT HALF AS BAD AS MY BACK LEG.
  • I've been bottling up my emotions. $2.40/600ml $5.00/1.25L
  • All right cock-heads, settle down!
  • TODAY IS NATIONAL HOW R U DAY! A DAY WHERE WE AIM TO BE CIVIL BUT NOT GET TOO DEEP INTO PEOPLES BULLSHIT.
  • PIRACY IS THEFT! YOU WOULDN'T STEAL A CAR! ACTUALLY IF I COULD DOWNLOAD a car, I PROBS WOULD!
  • HEADLINE - mOVIE STUDIOS STOP PICKING ON FAT PEOPLE IN FILM!
  • Headline - RIGHT-WING arseholes protest online, SAYING pc CULTURE HAS GONE TO FAR!
  • A dice is actually called a die because if you gamble you wind up dead.
  • THINK OF NICE THINGS TO SAY BEHIND PEOPLE‘S BACKS
  • The health risk to smoking as a fish are minimal, you don't have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema, and anyway it's really hard to light a cigarette under water
  • SICK PEOPLE HAVE ONE OF THE HIGHEST RATES OF DEATH IN THE COMMUNITY.
  • APOLOGISE PERSONALLY TO EACH OF THE EIGHT VICTIMS IN THE ACCIDENT
  • STOP SUCKING ALL THE AIR OUT OF THE ROOM
  • Valium is for wimps who can’t handle their crippling sadness. Biff Herron (Andrea Johnson can suck my d#@k)
  • "Darren Perkins - Wacking off in the age of the internet
  • I MAKE ALL THE KIDS WRITE UPPERCASE I CALL IT CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
  • “Mum, where did you put the crack pipe?” “It’s in the second drawer where I always put it!” “Thanks, Mum.”
  • “I need couples therapy, but first I need a partner.” Said, Agamemnon. - Redesh Patack (Finding love in New Dehli)
  • Ringo Star (Thomas the Tank Engine: A long night shunting!)
  • “Stop misinterpreting my argument”, said the fat controller. “He’s just crazy don’t listen to him!”, said Thomas.
  • I know you look at me as some sort of hero that leads the resistance against the non-carers. Those who only want to better themselves and their particular tribe. But the truth is I poo with the same valve as you. I stuff sustenance in my mouth hole in order to survive. I need money to provide toilet paper and sustenance and that makes me vulnerable. If the enemy finds out fatty likes pies, they could use that to influence my choices, and that is dangerous.
  • She smelt like biscuits, and not the good kind. The kind you’d have to dip in a cup of tea to enjoy!
  • I've learned not to be afraid any more. I am free from the shackles of my oppressors. I am a victim plain and simple and will be using my victimhood for ultimate glory and power!
  • To all the people doing it tough. chances are it's your own fault and God is just showing you that you were wrong.
  • If you want to keep your junkie son and your new television you're going to have to give him that $50
  • No problem is too great that it can't be ignored with drugs and alcohol
  • I base my popularity on Facebook likes. This is the second biggest reason for my crippling sadness. The first is the huge lump on my back.
  • I'm not much into party drugs said David, I'm more into stay at home and state at the tv for 16 hours straight drugs, last time I took party drugs I woke up in a Brazilian prison with three teeth missing and a terrible trash, tv drugs are far safer for a guy like myself
  • Party like you've got to be back at the hospital on Monday
  • I carry so much personal baggage people always assume I'm going on a trip overseas
  • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
  • Every day’s a great day according to Gerald, but as the bloke who has to wipe his arse I disagree
  • If there’s a famine all us fat bastards are going to outlive you skinny types. Bahaahaha Bahahaahaha Bahahahaa Haa
  • Ricky put the cat out! mum, we don't own a cat! oh fuck! mum died 7 years ago Angela call doctor Cline tell her mother's back
  • Don't be scared to ask for help! you can't expect to carry that dead body down the flights of stairs on your own
  • HI DENNIS, I LOVE THE NEW IDEAS FOR THIS YEARS HARMONY DAY. ISOLATING A MINORITY GROUP AND TARGETING THEM SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.
  • LIFE IS A LOT LIKE DANCING. A LOT OF PEOPLE SUCK AT DANCING!
  • JUST BECAUSE I'M FILLED WITH LOVING KINDNESS DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T PUNCH A SHARK IN THE FACE IF IT TRIES TO BITE MY ARM OFF.
  • I went to the doctor's office and I needed to use their men's room. When I came back the next day and needed to go again, to my shock my turd from the day before was still sitting in the bowl. They could at least go around at the end of the day and check for floaters!
  • GIVE BLOOD - Vampires be hungry!
  • Starved for attention? Join the circus! Someone has to clean up after the elephants
  • Every year women and men and children die, show your support by sharing this with 3 friends. Let's bring awareness to all those who have died.
  • We need something inclusive where everyone's welcome, how about free entry for everyone who wears a Burka, no, how about, bring your Burka Fridays?
  • HI NEVILLE. I'VE CONDUCTED A LONGITUDINAL STUDY INTO TO WHY YOU SHOULD SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND THE RESULTS ARE CONCLUSIVE...NEVILLE...NEVILLE. HELLO, THAT'S BETTER!
  • I keep all my new year's resolutions for April 1st.
  • The dentist recommended I start flossing. I told him I'd meet him halfway and start brushing.
  • We believe in second chances, probably from our second set of teeth
  • Back in the day not breaking a bone was an achievement. Now, it's common place, because we never go outside
  • Knock knock. Who's there? You are, looking into the mirror of time.
  • WOMEN ARE SADLY UNDER-REPRESENTED IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION. I SEE FIREMEN SAM, BOB THE BUILDER AND POSTMAN PAT. WHAT I DON'T SEE IS WENDY WASHER WOMAN, CAROL CAKE MAKER OR JENNY FROM THE BLOCK!
  • Hi Guys, my skin needs One-quarter moisturiser, any ideas?
  • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
  • I'm just proud I got through it. For a while there I was really stuck on the idea that we needed a thermomix.
  • Has anyone got any arts and crafts I can borrow, I'm thinking of making something more traditional, but in a new Vogue riche flair turtleneck style. Then I'll top it off with a girdled topaz topper in red. and do you have a glue gun? Thanks guys
  • When everything goes to shit, I just want to be able to say "I TOLD YOU SO!"
  • DON’T LAUGH AT A WOMAN WHO IS BARREN. THE POOR LADY PROBABLY CAN'T HAVE KIDS!
  • I DIDN'T WIN BECAUSE SILVER, it MATCHES MY SKIN TONE
  • SHE WAS THE SORT OF PERSON THAT USED MULTI-GRAIN TO MAKE FAIRY BREAD!
  • FALLOPIAN TUBES ARE NOW CALLED FEMALE TUMMY TUBES. UNLESS THE PERSON GROWS UP IN THE FALLOPIAN REGION OF FRANCE.
  • WOMEN ARE SADLY UNDER-REPRESENTED IN CHILDREN'S TELEVISION. I SEE FIREMEN SAM, BOB THE BUILDER AND POSTMAN PAT. WHAT I DON'T SEE IS WENDY WASHER WOMAN, CAROL CAKE MAKER OR JENNY FROM THE BLOCK!
  • DANCE LIKE EVERYBODY'S WATCHING, AND YOU'RE TRYING TO PROVE HOW GREAT OF A DANCER YOU ARE!
  • After washing up and packing away the dishes I realise how hard you women actually have it.
  • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
  • THINK OF MORE COOL WORDS TO SAY TO YOUR WIFE
  • GO OFF AT COUPLES THERAPY, TEACH HIM A LESSON!
  • The baby is Ishmaels. shh, don't tell David.
  • CONSIDER SELLING BASKETS ON ETSY.
  • “Margaret polishes my teeth, come to think of it Margaret does just about everything. Except for BBQ, BBQ is a man’s job!”, Said Bill. Bill’s wife was the smart one, the charitable one and the backbone of the family. But to him, she was just the cook.
  • It would not matter what I did. She would find a reason to despise me. She hated me. I had something she didn’t. What was it I’m not exactly sure. Maybe her heart.
  • David Shoestrum (Eat, Pray, F@#k)
  • She was the most beautiful creature on earth, who cares if she couldn’t cook a pavlova.
  • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
  • Just remember guys, Tea towels are presents for the kitchen. Not for wives
  • Felopian tubes are now called female tummy tubes unless the person grows up in the felopian region of France
  • I want to be rich enough to never have to care for my own children
  • I didn't win the race because Silver matches my skin tone
  • LIVE LOVE LAUGH LEPROSY
  • Have you ever chomped down on a sandwich and nearly bitten off one of your fingers? That shit hurts.
  • They say laughter is the best medicine, but I've heard Metformin is pretty bloody amazing too.
  • I've changed the way I think about people. I used to think we all deserved happiness.
  • What about these people that look partially digested?
  • I feel sorry for all the little babies who were born without their parents.
  • I just want a pair of pants with some decent pockets. I've worn my husband's trackies. I know how things could be. It's discrimination. It's not like only men carry mobile phones.
  • Lock-down, more like lock-frown
  • Breathe fucker
  • No one at my wife's work commented on her new pants today. How can they all live in such blissful ignorance?
  • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all. That's why I carry around a box of tissues.
  • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
  • My daughter is an artsy type. Which is annoying. She's a good-looking young woman. She should be focused on looking her best in order to secure a wealthy bachelor, instead of putting all her effort into trying to paint fruit.
  • Jack's not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he's certainly a lot more popular than the twins; Darryl and Brian. But they're pretty good at identifying different types of mould.
  • There's an 85% chance my daughter will get pregnant before she finishes high school. I'm not ready to be a father again.
  • You give your kids all the love they'll ever need and some of them will still turn to drugs and start stealing your stash.
  • My son would have made a great little girl. I brought him the latest barbies, but it just didn't stick.
  • I wonder if vegan's farts smell like the rainforest
  • People say, trust your gut. But fatty don't think so.
  • You ever look in someone's fridge and they say, "why are you looking in my fridge."
  • I made a new colour called 'POOPLE,' by mixing brown and purple together.
  • If you're gonna pick on someone for their looks, you better make damn well sure they're funny lookin'.
  • I've spent half my life on the lounge. Some people say I've missed out on life, but I'm comfortable.
  • Not enough is said about freckled people, they're pretty much humans with spots. People don't give them enough credit for that.
  • I got a new haircut the other day. Not a single person mentioned it. It's like no one cares about my hair.
  • My husband had a tapeworm. It's so weird how people can just act normal when they have a worm inside them. A fucking worm!
  • I'm weirded out when people have more gums than teeth, that's why I can't be around children.
  • I got into basket weaving, but the vines were so expensive.
  • I wish there was a job where I could go round slapping people in the face.
  • Have you ever chomped down on a sandwich and nearly bitten off one of your fingers? That shit hurts.
  • They say laughter is the best medicine, but I've heard Metformin is pretty bloody amazing too.
  • I've changed the way I think about people. I used to think we all deserve happiness.
  • What about these people that look partially digested.
  • I feel sorry for all the little babies who were born without their parents.
  • I just want a pair of pants with some decent pockets. I've worn my husband's trackies. I know how things could be. It's discrimination. It's not like only men carry mobile phones.
  • Lock-down, more like lock-frown
  • Breathe fucker
  • No-one at my wife's work commented on her new pants today, how can they all live in such blissful ignorance.
  • It is inconceivable to know how much I love you all, that's why I carry arounda box of tissues.
  • I had a Barbie Doll as a kid and it gave me unrealistic expectations of what a woman should be. Plastic with no pubic hair, let alone a vagina. How can any girl live up to those standards?
  • I wonder if vegan farts smell like the rainforest
  • People say to trust your gut. But fatty don't think so.
  • You ever look in someone's fridge and they say, "why are you looking in my fridge."
  • I made a new colour called 'POOPLE' by mixing brown and purple together.
  • If you're going to pick on someone for their looks, you better make damn well sure they're funny-lookin'.
  • I've spent half my life on the lounge. Some people say I'm missing out on life, but I'm comfortable.
  • Not enough is said about freckled people, they're pretty much humans with spots. People don't give them enough credit for that.
  • I got a new haircut the other day. Not a single person mentioned it. It's like no one cares about my hair.
  • My husband had a tapeworm. It's so weird how people can just act normal when they have a worm inside them. A fucking worm!
  • I'm weirded out when people have more gums than teeth, that's why I can't be around children.
  • I got into basket weaving, but the vines were so expensive.
  • I wish there was a job where I could go around slapping people in the face.
  • Most people deny the animal within and so neglect it. That neglected part of the self tends to bite them in the arse
  • A gambler a bikie and a speedboat owner walk into a bar. The gambler says I bet you I can make you angry to the bikie. The bikie punches him in the face and says don't start trouble cunt, and the speedboat owner says, "I own a speed boat"
  • I knew a bloke who would walk barefoot on catheads. Not the type of guy you wanna fuck with. But that didn't stop Stephen, may he rest in peace.
  • One day I hope to be a professional at something, maybe surfing. who knows. Surfing's definitely an option, but I'm scared of bottle brushes.
  • Surfing is life. I live 400 kilometres from the nearest beach. I have no life.
  • The last time a played touch footy I broke three ribs. Touch, my arse.
  • I wanted to go see my favourite football team play, but I'm not good at chanting
  • I'M SO COOL I HAVE A TATTOO OF MY DICK ON MY DICK!
  • DOING MONO'S WAS THE HEIGHT OF SUCCESS WHEN I WAS IN YEAR FIVE. AND IF YOU COULD DO A BURNOUT, YOU WERE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN. RIDING WITH NO HANDS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO RIDE. SOME PEOPLE NEVER PROGRESS PAST THIS STAGE OF BEING. AS FOR ME, LET'S JUST SAY I GO THROUGH A LOT OF TYRES!
  • Everybody stay cool I KNOW TAE BO!
  • "THAT MOMENT IN LIFE WHERE YOU HIT THE SOUND BARRIER, AND YOU'RE GOING FASTER THAN SOUND. SHARE IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU.
  • He said, "Goodbye!” as she walked out the door, she turned back for one last glimpse. "Stay safe!” he said, "Don't go getting pregnant!" David Haffiff (The kid's mine)
  • HE TURNED BACK FOR ONE LAST TIME, "I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU OR YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOU'RE BOTH EQUALLY MY FAVOURITE, FOREVER!"
  • DON'T TELLI ME HOW TO MAKE PANCAKES, I MADE PANCAKES ON THE BEACHES AT NORMANDY. ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO. YOU SHOULD VISIT, IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.
  • HAS ANYONE GOT A SPORTS CAR THEY CAN LEND ME? I WANT TO SHOW OFF TO SOME PEOPLE. I'm POSSIBLY going to DO SOME BURNOUTS!
  • GIRLFRIEND: "DID YOU HURT YOUR LEG?" ME: “WOMAN, THAT'S MY HOOD SWAGGER!”
  • I'M SICK OF PEOPLE CARRYING ON LIKE I PUT MY DICK IN THEIR SANDWICH, I DIDN'T PUT MY DICK IN YOUR BLOODY SANDWICH!
  • WHEN YOU SET FIRE TO YOUR CUBBY HOUSE CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN NOW AND THE TIME FOR GAMES IS OVER!
  • ANDREW THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN MAKE PEACE WITH YOURSELF IS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR KILLING YOUR FATHER. BUT I KILLED HIM. ANDREW, THE GUY WAS A DICK. YOU SAID IT YOURSELF. HE FED YOU PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICHES, WHICH IS AN AMERICAN THING. IT'S CALLED JAM IN AUSTRALIA. I KNOW ANDREW, YOU WERE RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DID
  • EVER MEET SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME AND PRETEND YOU'VE GOT AN OUT THERE NAME. "G'DAY MOONDOG'S THE NAME AND MOONDOGGIN'S MY GAME."
  • MY WIFE ALWAYS SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THINGS AND I'M LIKE, YEAH WHATEVER. THEN I SHOW HER MY KARATE.
  • DOING MONO'S WAS THE HEIGHT OF SUCCESS WHEN I WAS IN YEAR FIVE. AND IF YOU COULD DO A BURNOUT, YOU WERE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN. RIDING WITH NO HANDS WAS THE ONLY WAY TO RIDE. SOME PEOPLE NEVER PROGRESS PAST THIS STAGE OF BEING. AS FOR ME, LET'S JUST SAY I GO THROUGH A LOT OF TYRES!
  • WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? DARYL, THIS IS THE TEST!
  • PEOPLE THINK I'M CRAZY! BUT I PUT MY HUMAN SKIN PANTS ON ONE LEG AT A TIME... JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
  • I'M SO COOL I HAVE A TATTOO OF MY DICK ON MY DICK!
  • HAVE SOMEONE EVER COME UP TO YOU AND SAID, "HAVE YOU BEEN TO BANGKOK?" THEN PROCEEDED TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK!
  • He turned back for one last time, I'll never forget you or your best friend, you're both equally my favourite, forever!
  • NOTE TO SELF: THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL MORE
  • I'M WORKING ON MY INNER STRENGTH! LIVER DAY TODAY, THEN HEADING TO THE GYM TOMORROW TO WORK ON MY SPLEEN!
  • Whats your top speed? Answers in metric only!
  • REMember when being attacked. Stop, drop and roll... Or'is that if theres a fire.
  • It was a bit of a hairy situation. What we talking Bigfoot or the Yeti
  • I was thinking of trying out kickboxing but I couldn't get the boxing gloves on my feet
  • GARY: THE TABLES HAVE TURNED ME: GARY, STOP TURNING THE FUCKING TABLES, I'M TRYING TO EAT MY BREAKFAST!
  • CREATOR RAP SONG ABOUT GROWING UP ON THE STREET
  • Doing mono's was the height of success when I was in year 5, and if you could do a burnout you were top of the food chain. Riding with no Hands was the only way to ride. Some people never progress past this stage of being. As for me let's just say I go through a lot of tyres!
  • "Why did you start killing again Brian? Well ever since my counsellor died in mysterious circumstances, the urge to kill has been something I can't talk about with anyone.  Next thing I know, murder, murder murder, kill, kill, kill.  You know how it is."
  • HIGH SCHOOL PROBLEMS - A BIG PART OF SCHOOL FOR ME WAS CONVINCING OTHER STUDENTS  i COULD FIGHT. YOU'RE LESS LIKELY TO GET CHALLENGED if YOUR NICKNAME IS STREETFIGHTER.
  • HIGH SCHOOL PROBLEMS - I COULDN'T DUNK, SO I JUST LIMPED AROUND THE BASKETBALL COURT AT LUNCH TIME TELLING THE OTHER KIDS THAT I WAS INJURED.
  • IS SWEATY BALLS A CONDITION?
  • I have the ghosts of a thousand soldiers running through my veins Ahhhhhhhhh! I HAVE THE POWER!
  • THINK ABOUT FOOTBALL MORE
  • INCREASE COOL LEVEL BY 50% BY CARRYING A POCKET KNIFE!
  • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
  • Dandilions for Daisy (Henrienta Shifflebottom)
  • He was always ridiculously early, which was proof his plate was not full.
  • Dustin Hoffman (Biography: No good at sports)
  • Looking back, I wished I would have played more Kick Ball.
  • He said, “Goodbye,” as she walked out the door, she turned back for one last glimpse. “Stay safe,” he said, “Don’t go getting pregnant.” - David Haffiff (The kid's mine)
  • Debra Cockswolup (The time my idiot brother told the E.R he slipped over naked and landed on three carrots!)
  • And that was the last time he tried to make a computer out of cardboard and lollies!
  • He turned back for one last time, I'll never forget you or your best friend, you're both equally my favourite, forever.
  • I need a soap that will clean my balls but also provide me with sustenance of I get hungry while in the shower
  • When you set fire to your cubby house cause your a man now and the time for games is over
  • Go hard or go home. Oh I didn't realise this was a manliness contest. Change a shitty nappy fuckface.
  • When you start accusing people of stealing something you’ve lost. “Don’t lie, I know it was you, I can tell by your face!” Then you remember you hid it so nobody would steal it.
  • Worrying study says teenage boys less worried about how well they can fight!
  • Guy from 60’s bases self-worth on how far he can walk without shoes!
  • What do you like at school young man, I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
  • I've only killed to survive and to get ahead in life and to get revenge. Actually, most of my killings are revenge related.
  • Ever meet someone for the first time and pretend you've got a cool name. G'day Moondog's the name and Moondoggin' is my game.
  • I hate when you go clothes shopping and the assistant says, "nothing in here for you fatty." Then they say "crap hair loser" and punch you in the guts until you collapse. Then they roll you out the shop and say, "the oceans that way!" As a big guy, there's nothing worse.
  • Maybe if you had more testosterone you'd cry a lot less Kenneth. Why can't you be like the other boys, you can't even catch a football you little blousse. You might be a wuss Kenneth but you're my wuss honey and I love you just not as much as your brother who doesn't cry, and can catch a football. now go to bed you little scamp. and Kenneth, if you pass yourself, you're changing your own sheets tonight.
  • Computer Games encourage violence in the same way I would of never started eating toddlers of I hadn't first feel in love with eating jelly babies, then I moved on to chicks, now I only eat black babies
  • I wanted to go see my favourite football team play but I'm no good at chanting,
  • I’m so cool, I have a tattoo of my dick on my dick!
  • FIND YOUR INNER STRENGTH, THEN HIDE IT FROM EVERYONE IN CASE THEY TRY TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU.
  • SIMON IS SUCH A TRY HARD, HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO SMOKE PROPERLY, LETS GO GUYS!
  • Just remember there is always someone better at snap front kicks than you. Don't live in the shadow of your ghost. BE POWERFUL!
  • BE STRONG! OTHERWISE, OTHERS WILL BEAT YOU.
  • BEING NICE IS ONE OF THE CHEAPEST AND MOST EFFECTIVE WAYS TO AVOID A FISTFIGHT.
  • Never give up on your dreams unless they involve something stupid like speed boat racing or embroidery
  • Without guts, there's no glory. Let alone a functioning digestive system!
  • You tell yourself who you are. Let no one else define you. but keep it real! don't tell yourself you're a lobster fisherman if you can't catch a fucking lobster!
  • A big part of schooling for me was convincing offer students and myself how well I could fight while doing my best not to get into fights. You're less likely to get challenged to a fight if your nickname is Streetfighter.
  • I couldn't dunk at school so I just limped around the basketball court at lunch telling the other kids I was injured.
  • My favourite colour is tartan
  • I was thinking of trying out kick boxing but I couldn't get the boxing gloves on my feet
  • DO YOU EVER WONDER THINGS AND THEN THINK, FUCK IT AND BUY A SPEED BOAT. I WAS CRACKING UP FOR WEEKS AFTER I WROTE THIS ESPECIALLY WHEN I'D TAKE MY SPEEDBOAT OUT ONTO THE WATER. IT'S A TWIN-ENGINE BIG BLOCK 450 HORSEPOWER MACHINE. IT'S SO FAST MY YOUNGER BROTHER DOUGAL SHIT HIMSELF AND HE WASN'T EVEN IN THE BOAT!
  • My wife always blames me for the stuff that I do.
  • Is it natural if you spend a third of your life scratching your balls? Because if it is, I'm very natural!
  • He was a sour man with a black heart.  But he could turn one of those long balloons into anything and the kids loved it.
  • Being that all my limbs are intact u might assume I'm good at sword fighting
  • Guys, I think I'm having a heart attack Man, chill your twenty-four. You're not having a heart attack. It's the drugs man, it makes you sensitive to your body, more likely you're having a panic attack. Man, your eyes are like a firestorm. You've got a demon in you! Tim, stop freaking him out.
  • I'm what you'd call a growth hacker. So you sell steroids. That is correct, but I also help people with their goals. Particularly the goal of acquiring anabolic steroids.
  • A gambler, a bikie and a speedboat owner walk into a bar. The gambler says to the bikie I bet you I can make you angry. The bikie punches him in the face and says don't start trouble cunt, and the speedboat owner says, "I own a speed boat!"
  • I cut my nails. Then I go back to my life. Then I look down and bam, I'm fucking Wolverine.
  • Attitude is everything! #GetFucked
  • Cattle rustling ain't easy. Rustlers gonna rustle!
  • Air-con on high. Watching world die.
  • Scott Morrison doesn't think the rules apply to him because he's driven by a higher set of rules. Rules which say little on how to run a country or how to be a good steward. #auspol
  • I designed a turtle trap, but am keeping it to myself for the sake of the turtles
  • When you get 5 likes on Facebook, so you celebrate with a cruise on The Ruby Princess
  • Think I'll take it easy on the alcohols today. Ten beers max.
  • What's people's attitudes towards women these days? Men have to spend less time ogling titties! Can we agree on that?
  • Taking a poll. Which do you prefer? Titties or Boobies? #poll #survey
  • Mum says I've got an attitude problem. That's why I don't visit her in the hospital.
  • Mark Twain once wrote
  • Imagine if you had tiger power and you were fighting someone with shark power. Tiger power would win unless you were near the ocean. Then shark has the advantage.
  • People say I'm trying to look like a pirate, but I have an eye condition. And my parrot likes sitting on my shoulder. I don't make him sit there!
  • I called Guinness; they said shoving thirteen pencils up your nose isn't Guinness-worthy. Cunts!
  • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
  • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA?
  • Ever take your bra off and think, this is the life. Hasn't happened to me, I'm a man. I don't wear bras.
  • Mother thought me a dim boy, but she never read the books I read. There are many ways to skin a cat mother, many ways. And I am fluent in at least forty-six of them. Mother should remember that.
  • Stand tall soldier
  • Dad, I don't want to play armies, I'm playing horticulture
  • Is that one of those ltgbtq words is it?
  • No dad it's growing vegies.
  • All right son, but no eggplants or cucumbers.
  • Yeah, I had a perm once. It's no big deal. A lot of guys did.
  • Just because I'm squishy around the middle doesn't mean I can't poke your eye out with a stick.
  • I don't know what I'd do with myself if I ever lost interest in PlayStation.
  • Me and my friends all gave each other cool nicknames, there's Slinger, Tophat, Big John, Stacks and me, Dogshit.
  • Whenever I play scissors, paper, rock; I use sword, that beats everything.
  • I wanted to be a cop, but I didn't pass the psych evaluation. They took away my future. I'm gonna kill'em all.
  • My talents lie in three things; Pool, poker, and tall tales. I once won $500 off a rich investor bloke who played me at pool, and by the end of the night, my poker skills meant I was now the owner of one of his beach houses. Just kidding, my talents only lie in tall tales.
  • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
  • “I’ll trick you and that will prove I’m smarter,” said the old codger.
  • Carrots for lunch again, Gerald? That's their latest joke, but I ain't laughin'.
  • People say I'm trying to look like a pirate but I have an eye condition. And my parrot likes sitting on my shoulder. I don't make him sit there.
  • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
  • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA
  • Imagine if you had tiger power and you were fighting someone with shark power. Tiger power would win unless you were near the ocean. Then shark has advantage.
  • I called Guinness, they said shoving thirteen pencils up your nose isn't Guinness worthy. Cunts!
  • Ever take your bra off and think, this is the life. Hasn't happened to me, I'm a man. I don't wear bras.
  • I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
  • Yeah I had a perm once, it's no big deal. A lot of guys did.
  • Just because I'm squishy around the middle doesn't mean I can't poke your eye out with a stick.
  • I don't know what I'd do with myself if I ever lost interest in PlayStation.
  • Me and my friends all gave each other cool nicknames, there's: Slinger, Tophat, Big John, Stacks and me, Dogshit.
  • Whenever I play scissors, paper, rock; I use sword, that beats everything.
  • I wanted to be a cop, but I didn't pass the psych evaluation. They took away my future. I'm gonna kill'em all.
  • My talents lie in three things; Pool, poker and tall tales. I once won $500 off a rich investor bloke who played me at pool and by the end of the night, my poker skills meant I was now the owner of one of his beach houses. Just kidding my talents only lie in tall tales.
  • GO HARD OR GO HOME! NO, YOU‘RE RIGHT I SHOULD GO HOME, IM GETTING SLEEPY!
  • “I’ll trick you and that will prove I’m smarter,” said the old codger.
  • Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
  • STOP BEING HAPPY! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING THE FAMILY.
  • WHEN YOU CHIP A TOOTH ON ONE OF GRANNY'S BOILED LOLLIES, AND YOU SAY THAT YOU'D THINK BOILING LOLLIES WOULD MAKE THEM SOFTER AND GRANNY SAYS, “WE USED TO DROWN KIDS LIKE YOU!" THEN YOU START TO CRY, SO GRANNY SAY'S, “HERE, HAVE A BOILED LOLLY!"
  • GRANDMA'S ONLY INSTRUCTIONS WERE TO DISPOSE OF HER CRACK PIPE AND CLEAR HER BROWSER HISTORY WHEN SHE PASSED AWAY.
  • I TRIED TO BE THE BACKBONE OF MY FAMILY, BUT I SLIPPED A DISC!
  • WHEN YOU'RE IN AN ACCIDENT AND YOUR SISTER BREAKS HER NECK. BUT YOUR HAPPY BECAUSE SHE STOLE YOUR SNICKERS BAR!
  • MUM SAYS I'VE GOT AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. THAT'S WHY I DON'T VISIT HER IN THE HOSPITAL ANYMORE!
  • TREVOR YOU FRICKING LUNATIC, SLOW UP ON THE RED HORSE!
  • Mum, Why does Mrs. Hopkins house smell like old people? Tommy go sit in the car! Sorry Mrs. Hopkins, if it's any consolation Tommy still shits his pants, don't ya Tommy?
  • My dad works at cambells soup. He's a chicken creamer
  • Ever stay up at night wondering who your real dad is
  • "Dad: I'll ring your neck Me: grabs necks ""hello neck speaking""
  • Maybe if you had more testosterone you'd cry a lot less Kenneth. Why can't you be like the other boys, you can't even catch a football you little blouse. You might be a wousse Kenneth, but you're my wousse honey and I love you just not as much as your brother who doesn't cry and can catch a football. Now go to bed you little scamp, and if you piss yourself, you're changing your own sheets tonight.
  • The Devil made me do it. Don't blame the Devil Malcolm your just an arsehole that lacks empathy and impulse control, in fact, Malcolm I'd go as far as to say you are the Devil!
  • "I came to school as an ice cube for book week. Mum told me a good way to make friends was to tell everyone I was the coolest kid in class, and that's why I came to you for help. It's been 20 years and I still get anxious when people laugh and have panic attacks when people give me ice water!
  • Kids grow up so fast. One day they're playing in the street with all the other Yahoo's, the next their in prison for armed robbery and insulting a police officer!
  • My son says I'm thirsty and I say hi thirsty I'm secondy. That's an A-level dad joke there, right of the top of the old noodle!
  • It was time to prove how are racist my family really was. “Hi everyone I’d like you to meet my new wife, ‘Bok Choy’.” by Andrew Farqua (How Bok died)
  • ANDREW CARNEGIE STOLE MY GREAT GRANDFATHER SHOVEL
  • Why does Grandma Hodson's house smell like old people? Tommy go sit in the car. Sorry Mrs Hodson, if it's any consolation Tommy still shits his pants, don't ya Tommy?
  • Do you ever meet someone and think about how disappointed their parents must be?
  • When you're in an accident and your sister breaks her neck but your happy because she stole your Snickers
  • Takes garbage out, sees neighbors. FUCK. How's it garn?
  • I call my penis my 'front tail.'
  • The last thing I stole was my wife's heart
  • Meredith can you put out your pants back on honey you’re scaring the neighbours
  • when Mum gives you a macaroon and says you can have another one after you finish your homework. but you started hanging out with the cool kids at school, so you tell your mum to go fuck herself!
  • Today we look at the protagonist in Ricky's latest work of fiction 'Mums Favourite'. The character named Mirandra is known in local circles for her caramel slices and as a doer who gives to her community. But things haven't always been easy for Mirandra, she carried a great burden from a young age. The story delves into her relationship with her difficult and troubled family and her place within the walls of this family unit. One of four children she carried the heavy burden of being a favourite child, some would call this a blessing, but this is a cautionary tale.
  • I didn't eat ice cream until I was 21, mum hated me. she cared more about my health than my satisfaction. what a fucking bitch
  • Grandma's only instructions were to dispose of her crack pipe and clear her browser history when she passed away
  • Dad told me to get off the drugs! I said I wasn't sitting on them and that he probably left them in his room.
  • BOB: Margret dear, would you be so kind as to pass me the crack pipe. MARGARET: I wish you wouldn't do that at the table dear.
  • Take care of your elders when their old and can't do shit well.
  • I'm lucky I met my wife after my fuckwit phase
  • WHENEVER I START TO QUESTION MY JUDGEMENT, I LOOK AT WHOM I MARRIED AND THINK IF I CAN GET A BIG DECISION LIKE THAT RIGHT I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE LITTLE DECISIONS..... THAT'S WHY I PLAN ON PARTICIPATING IN A DRUNKEN GOAT RACE ON THE WEEKEND. THE WINNER GETS THE OTHER PERSONS HOUSE.
  • WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR MUM DIDN'T WIN THE 1993 INTERNATIONAL PASTRY AWARDS AND THAT THERE'S NO SUCH THING AND THAT IT WAS MUM's CRACK PIPE AFTER ALL AND NOT AUNTY RACHAEL'S
  • DON'T FORGET! Make sure you see GRANDMA before she dies!
  • Remember when your parents told you your eyes would go square if you watched too much TV? Not one reported case in the last 26 years! Fucking liars!
  • When you drop an earbud on the ground and think fuck it I can afford i'll grab another.
  • I like to stand up and chink some cutlery against my glass and say id like to make a toast, then I say do you want Vegemite on it sweetheart. Then my wife says you're a clown, then, yes please honey.
  • ME "AWW BABY, IT'S ALL RIGHT, DO YOU WANT ME TO WRITE YOU A NICE POEM!" WIFE "WHAT FOR ME OR FACEBOOK!" ME "UMMMMM, BOTH”
  • Me: I WISH I COULD GO ON THE BIGGEST LOSER, BUT I'M NOT FAT ENOUGH. Wife: YES YOU ARE HONEY!
  • Having a wife that loves me, cares for me, and laughs at my jokes, for only 3 payments of $35,000. PRICELESS
  • Tims on the grass again, love! Tell him to put on some sunscreen. No honey, he's on the weed! Tell him to pull 'em out and put them in the compost
  • There's no money in drugs these days. Kids are too busy on their PlayStations or watching porn on their tablets.
  • I see my family at Christmas, but only because I like presents.
  • I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm the only one my parents wouldn't pay to fix my teeth.
  • I can't stand my son, he thinks he's better than me because he knows how to sustain healthy relationships.
  • My son is a little hoodlum. You do all you can for them, but then they get a taste of that rap music and it's all bitches and hoes.
  • I loved Grandma more before when she remembered who I was.
  • Soon as my mum does a hip it's straight to the nursing home for her.
  • My son has gotten into my little pony. I don't care if he's gay. I just don't want him to get involved into these dangerous subcultures.
  • My daughter is an artsy type. Which is annoying, she's a good looking young woman. She should be focused on looking her best in order to secure a wealthy batchular, instead of putting all her effort into trying to paint fruit.
  • Jack's not the sharpest tool in the shed but he's certainly a lot more popular than the twins;Darryl and Brian. But they are good at identifying different types of mould.
  • There's a 85 percent chance my daughter will get pregnant before she finishes high school. I'm not ready to be a father again.
  • You give your kids all the love they'll ever need and some of them will still turn to drugs and start stealing your stash.
  • My son would have made a great little girl. I brought him the lastest barbies but it just didn't stick.
  • My son uses all the hot water. Go have a wank in your bedroom you little perve instead of wasting all the hot water.
  • My daughter wants to be an actress. I hope she'll be content with bit parts. She's not going to far with eyes that close together.
  • The last thing I wanted to do was encourage my kids to lead a sedintary lifestyle where bad food is the norm and weight gain is assured. But I can't give my children what I can't do for myself. Poor buggers.
  • My son has an incredibly long penis. I'm not even sure if he's mine.
  • Grandma won't let me help her, she thinks I want her money. Silly old bitch.
  • I've got to show Grandad how to clear his browser history. But I'm not sure how to brouch the subject.
  • Uncle Dans a big perve but he's great with the kids. You just have to be in the same room as him, just in case.
  • My mum has had a hard life. I feel for her. That's why I forked out for the better wheelchair.
  • My brother is an arsehole. Just because I got the looks, the brain, and the personality, he has to be bitter about it. He's good at roofing mind you. I could never do that.
  • My son is eight and is still on the tittie. People think it's weird, but he's a fussy eater.
  • My life improved when I cut my family out of the picture. Fucking Christians all they talk about is God and what he wants.
  • My kid gets teased a lot, but he is funny lookin'.
  • I'm giving my inheritance to the RSPCA. Fuck Brian, call me a crazy cat lady!
  • My son wants to be a rapper. He ain't got no swagga!
  • My son is still angry at how I treated him growing up. But since I turned to Christ I've changed. He doesn't need an apology, he needs Jesus.
  • I wanted a son that could play in the NBA, that's why I married a black woman.
  • My mum was a basket weaver. She would be happy that the funeral was held with an open basket.I love newborn babies, they're so tender. Unlike when they get older and become a bit more chewy.
  • I've built bridges. I've built towers. They all call me a bridge builder. They all call me a builder of towers. That's because they'll never find out that I strangled my wife.
  • Imagine having a TV the size of the entire universe.
  • Carrots for lunch again Gerald. That's their latest joke, but I ain't laughin'.
  • What do you like at school young man, I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
  • Stand tall soldier. Dad, I don't want to play armies, I'm playing horticulture. Is that one of those ltgbtq words is it? No dad it's growing vegies. All right son, but no eggplants or cucumbers.
  • This cancer in the culture has gone too far: Little kids must be taught that pirates aren't cool, and that pirates are bad people.
  • My kids wanted to experience the ocean, so I gave them a cup of water and put a bit of salt in it.
  • All my son eats is fish fingers. I tell him he's going to turn into a fish if he doesn't vary his diet. He just swims away.
  • My husband is a couch potato. Actually he's more of just a potato because of the accident.
  • When I was a kid I always wanted to be a pirate, but mum wouldn't fork out for a parrot.
  • My daughter grazed her knee. All I had was a bandaid solution.
  • I set the clocks forward for daylight savings, now I'm two hours behind.
  • Mother thought me a dim boy, but she never read the books I read. There are many ways to skin a cat mother, many ways. And I am fluent in at least forty-six of them. Mother should remember that.
  • Father always said, "Tie a knot in your pyjamas, single beds are only made for one." To this day I have no idea what he was talking about.
  • When the light bathes their skin, some people brown. I just go bright red and my skin starts melting. That's why all my lights at home are no higher than 40 watts.
  • When I grow up I'm gonna be my most tallest.
  • My mum said my ball sacks were too big for a kid of my size. Then she said I'll probably grow into them.
  • If I saw Santa Claus, I'd wish him a Merry Christmas.
  • Tis the season to be jolly, does jolly mean fat, of so it's my kind of season
  • WHY IS THERE A PATERNITY MATERNITY SECTION IN TARGET NOT A MATERNITY SECTION
  • My son says I'm thirsty and I say hi thirsty I'm secondy. That's an A-level dad joke there, right of the top of the old noodle!
  • MY SON HAS HUGE FEET!I WENT TO BUY HIM SHOES AND THE SALES ASSISTANT ASKS,"WHAT SIZE,” AND MY ANSWER WAS‘CLOWN!' SHE SAID, "RIGHT THIS WAY."
  • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
  • I’M MAKING SURE I STAY FAT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE A FAMINE!- Mal
  • I'm currently 135kg's, the only upside is that I'm well insulated from the cold. My fingers could be falling off from frostbite, but my internal organs will still be at a toasty 37-degrees.
  • My heart is a lock and you are the only key
  • My darling I will always love you. You are my girl, and that makes me blessed. To take that for granted would make me an irredeemable fool.
  • you belong.
  • JUST REMEMBER GUYS: TEATOWELS ARE PRESENTS FOR THE KITCHENand NOT FOR OUR WIVES!
  • Today we look at the protagonist in Ricky's latest work of fiction 'Mums Favourite'. The character named Mirandra is known in local circles for her caramel slices and as a doer who gives to her community. But things haven't always been easy for Mirandra, she carried a great burden from a young age. The story delves into her relationship with her difficult and troubled family and her place within the walls of this family unit. One of four children she carried the heavy burden of being a favourite child, some would call this a blessing, but this is a cautionary tale.
  • Dad, I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
  • Dad, I have a problem with my leg. It doesn't kick properly.
  • Imagine having a TV the size of the entire universe.
  • My mum was a basket weaver. She would be happy that the funeral was held with an open basket.
  • I love newborn babies, they're so tender. Unlike when they get older and become a bit more chewy.
  • I've built bridges. I've built towers. They all call me a bridge builder. They all call me a builder of towers. That's because they'll never find out that I strangled my wife.
  • What do you like at school young man? I like math, dam Auto correct, I like mash potato
  • This cancer in the culture has gone too far: Little kids must be taught that pirates aren't cool and that pirates are bad people.
  • My kids wanted to experience the ocean, so I gave them a cup of water and put a bit of salt in it.
  • All my son eats is fish fingers. I tell him he's going to turn into a fish if he doesn't vary his diet. He just swims away.
  • My husband is a couch potato. Actually, he's more of just a potato because of the accident.
  • When I was a kid, I always wanted to be a pirate, but mum wouldn't fork out for a parrot.
  • My daughter grazed her knee. All I had was a bandaid solution.
  • I set the clocks forward for daylight savings, now I'm two hours behind.
  • Father always said, "Tie a knot in your pyjamas, single beds are only made for one." To this day, I have no idea what he was talking about.
  • When the light bathes their skin, some people brown. I just go bright red and my skin starts melting. That's why all my lights at home are no higher than 40 watts.
  • When I grow up I'm gonna be my most tallest.
  • My mum said my ball sacks were too big for a kid of my size. Then she said I'll probably grow into them.
  • If I saw Santa Claus, I'd wish him a Merry Christmas.
  • I see my family at Christmas, but only because I like presents.
  • I'm the black sheep of my family. I'm the only one my parents wouldn't pay to fix their teeth.
  • I can't stand my son. He thinks he's better than me because he knows how to sustain healthy relationships.
  • My son is a little hoodlum. You do all you can for them, but then they get a taste of that rap music and it's all bitches and hoes.
  • I loved Grandma more before, when she still remembered who I was.
  • Soon as my mum does a hip, it's straight to the nursing home for her.
  • My son has gotten into my little pony. I don't care if he's gay. I just don't want him to get involved in these dangerous online subcultures.
  • My son uses all the hot water. Go have a wank in your bedroom you little perve, instead of wasting all the hot water.
  • My daughter wants to be an actress. I hope she'll be content with bit parts. She's not going too far with eyes that close together.
  • The last thing I wanted to do was encourage my kids to lead a sedentary lifestyle where bad food is the norm and weight gain is assured. But I can't give my children what I can't do for myself. Poor buggers.
  • My son has an incredibly long penis. I'm not even sure if he's mine.
  • Grandma won't let me help her. She thinks I want her money. Silly old bitch.
  • I've got to show Grandad how to clear his browser history. But I'm not sure how to broach the subject.
  • Uncle Dans is a big perve, but he's great with the kids. You just have to be in the same room as him, just in case.
  • My mum has had a hard life. I feel for her. That's why I forked out for the better wheelchair.
  • My brother is an arsehole. Just because I got the looks, the brains, and the personality, he has to be bitter about it. He's good at roofing, mind you. I could never do that.
  • My son is eight and is still on the tittie. People think it's weird, but he's a fussy eater.
  • My life improved when I cut my family out of the picture. Fucking Christians, all they talk about is God and what he wants.
  • My kid gets teased a lot. But he is funny-lookin'.
  • I'm giving my inheritance to the RSPCA. Fuck Brian, call me a crazy cat lady!
  • My son wants to be a rapper. But he ain't got no swagga!
  • My son is still angry at how I treated him growing up. But since I turned to Christ, I've changed. He doesn't need an apology; he needs Jesus.
  • I wanted a son that could play in the NBA, that's why I married a black woman.
  • THE MANDARIN DUCK IS SAID TO BE THE PRETTIEST DUCK IN THE WORLD. FUCKING SHOWOFF!
  • WOULD IT BE RUDE OF ME TO LEAVE? --PAUSE-- WHAT IF I VOMIT. WOULD THAT HELP?
  • ALWAYS KEEP PANTS ON SO ANIMALS CAN'T BITE YOUR DOODLE!
  • Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Answer: BECAUSE THE ROAD HAD IT COMING!
  • Chickens call chicken pox man pox
  • Back in my day, you could stick a cracker in a cats arsehole. Now it's all about animal welfare and ethics. What about the poor cat? 95-year-old Doris can't afford an arseholectomy they said. That's an imprisonment offence they said, blah blah blah. People have no sense of humour these days!
  • DO LITTLE FISH REALLY SWIM UP YOUR WHISTLE?
  • IS SHARK TANK BASED ON A PARTICULAR SHARK OR JUST SHARKS IN GENERAL?
  • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
  • Is duck tape made from duck bi-products or was it originally made to be used on ducks
  • You never hear people calling crows, majestic. Maybe if the slowed down their flaps per minute and worked on their call.
  • I'm sick of those Facebook users who talk behind your back when you have your back turned, nice to know who your real friends are. Nice people look after each other in love and friendship, they don't talk about people like there dirt just because they kicked a dog in the face, it’s all lies and I’d never kick a dog in the fucking face anyway. Liar.
  • Give it a million years and week all be crabs
  • Rick's big dog Jamberoo, people with big dogs welcome! no corgis, chuaus Or froo froos allowed
  • Why don't they just call them gulls, I've never heard of a cave gulls or a forest full
  • Question: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Answer: WHAT'S IT TO YOU. ARE YOU SOME KIND OF CHICKEN STALKER... CHICKEN STALKER... CHICKEN STALKER...
  • Get some sleep ya turkey
  • Tardigrades look very similar to water bears if you ask me
  • My dead pigeon stunk, but then it got less stinky once it dried out a little.
  • The conditions of my release are that I'm not to go within 500 metres of Sea World. But the dolphins can't save themselves. They don't have arms.
  • I don't like when people have negative attitudes towards sharks. Have you ever sat down with them and really talked? I mean, really talked.
  • Imagine if you bought a pet fish from the pet store and it grew into a shark.
  • Did you know that if you stick your finger up a frog's bum, its eyes will pop out?
  • Ever eat a heap of chicken wings, then took the time to work out how many chickens went into feeding you?
  • Imagine an anteater that didn't like the taste of ants but loved strawberries.
  • Carpenter ants aren't interested in making quality furniture.
  • Remember the good old days when frogs existed?
  • Every four years, the cyst on my back pops and a heap of baby spiders pour out. Three weeks till my next batch of spider babies.
  • What's the go with cats?
  • Truffles, did you hide my slippers? Where are my slippers truffles?
  • They're underneath the bed, dickhead, and stop talking to me like I'm your pet dog or you won't be getting a treat for being a good boy.
  • If spiders had wings, we'd be fucked!
  • I don't wash my plates, I just let my dog lick them clean.
  • As a giraffe, the last thing I want is to get something stuck in my throat.
  • I don't know who Ivan Pavlov is, but the name rings a bell.
  • I saw two dogs have sex, and they got stuck together. I don't know what happened after that.
  • I'm sick of the way dogs look at me like I've been stealing their kibble. I'm a nice guy. I don't appreciate dogs giving me a complex.
  • Rick's big dog Jamberoo! People with big dogs are welcome! No Corgis, Chihuahuas or Frou Frou's allowed.
  • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
  • We have this idea of nature that it is a perfect harmonious circle of life. Have you watched any documentaries? The animal kingdom is savage.
  • Bears are really just big fat furry dogs.
  • I wonder if woodpeckers get migraines.
  • Horse people think horses are smart. They have a brain the size of a walnut. Horses are stupid animals.
  • The fact is, people who really love dogs are dog people, not human people.
  • What about these cats that know when you're going to die and come and sit beside you so they can eat your flesh once you've passed away?
  • What about these dogs that can smell cancer? I wonder if I farted whether they could tell me what I had for breakfast.
  • If I ever buy an animal book, it better be about the biggest, fastest, tallest and bravest animals. That's why I don't plan on reading this book.
  • The peregrine falcon dives at 390km per hour and is the fastest moving animal, except for humans, which have rockets!
  • I have a canary. I'm not a fan of canaries, it's just there to indicate to me if there is a gas leak.
  • Australian parrots are very popular as pets around the world. I'd like to say we win the parrot contest, but have you seen Brazil?
  • I have a dog, not because I like dogs but because I study fleas.
  • Goldfish are more orange if you ask me.
  • The cat's out of the bag. I keep cats in bags.
  • It's like Schrodinger's cat, both a furry pet and a killer of native animals. simultaneously until you open its box and kill it.
  • Roosters think they're real tough until you start chasing them back.
  • Ever chopped a chook's head off, then let it go for a run? If someone cut my head off, the last thing I'd be thinking of is getting in a quick jog.
  • As a kid, I used to hypnotise chooks. I'd tell them to eat the apple, but what they didn't realise was they were actually eating an onion.
  • Cheaters think they are fast, but I'd do one on my Ducati.
  • A lot of people are scared of snakes because they're deadly and shit. But when you consider they are just a head with a long neck, you soon feel you have the advantage.
  • YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE CALLING CROWS MAJESTIC. MAYBE IF THEY SLOWED DOWN THEIR FLAPS PER MINUTE AND WORKED ON THEIR CALL A LITTLE.
  • My dead pigeon stunk, but then it got less stinky once it dried out a little.
  • The conditions of my release is that I'm not to go within 500 metres of Seaworld. But the dolphins can't save themselves. They don't have arms.
  • I don't like when people have negative attitudes towards sharks. Have you ever sat down with them and really talked. I mean really talked.
  • Imagine if you bought a pet fish from the pet store and it grew into a shark.
  • Did you know that if you stick your finger up a frog's bum, its eyes will pop out?
  • Ever eat a heap of chicken wings, then took the time to work out how many chickens went into feeding you.
  • Imagine an anteater that didn't like the taste of ants but loved strawberries.
  • Carpenter ants aren't interested in making quality furniture.
  • Remember the good old days when frogs existed.
  • Every four years the cyst on my back pops and a heap of baby spiders pour out. Three weeks till my next batch of spider babies.
  • What's the go with cats.
  • Truffles did you hide my slippers. Wheres my slippers truffles. There underneath the bed dickhead and stop talking to me like I'm your pet dog or you won't be getting a treat for being a good boy.
  • If spiders had wings we'd be fucked
  • I don't wash my plates, I just let my dog lick them clean.
  • As a giraffe, the last thing I want is to get something stuck in my throat.
  • I don't know who Ivan Pavlov is, but the name rings a bell.
  • I saw two dogs have sex and they got stuck together. I don't know what happened after that.
  • I'm sick of the way dogs look at me like I've been stealing their kibble. I'm a nice guy, I don't appreciate dogs giving me a complex.
  • Rick's big dog Jamberoo, people with big dogs welcome! no corgis, chuaus Or froo froos allowed
  • I love Frigate birds, if not just for their name.
  • I love brainstorming and making lists about what I could do. The only problem is that I'll be making a life-size paper mache of Elvis and then I'll do some brainstorming and decide my time is better off setting up a treasure hunt for the kid who is dying next door.
  • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come.
  • What was that thing I said about 90% of businesses. When going into a new venture, 90% of people will discourage you. And 90% of the time, they will be right.
  • Elon musk is going to Mars and I'm going to the petrol station to buy smokes, everyone has their thing.
  • Opportunities are everywhere, you just have to look. I picked up three coke bottles on my walk and decided bottles and cans would be a good side hustle. I made thirty cents this week. Who knows what's installed for the weeks to come.
  • I USED TO TALK THE TALK. NOW I WALK THE WALK. BUT I DON'T RUN THE RUN. I NEVER RUN THE RUN.
  • When you spend eight bucks on a pack of post-it notes despite the fact you know you have a heap of them in a drawer or box somewhere. Then buying a fancy notebook while you're at it, even though you've got more pads and notebooks than you can poke a stick at because the first few pages of each have been used. And so the cycle continues.
  • Client 378 - YEAH, IT'S GOOD BUT CAN YOU ADD A BIT OF PIZZAZ! SOMETHING THAT SAYS WE'RE HARD-WORKING PROFESSIONALS, BUT WE'RE ALSO A LITTLE CRAZY, AND WE KNOW HOW TO HAVE SOME  FUN!
  • FOR YOU TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR THE ROLE WE NEED TO BE ASSURED YOU DON'T TAKE ILLEGAL DRUGS. HOW DARE YOU, I AM SHOCKED, FOR YOU TO EVEN ASK PEOPLE GIVE ME DRUGS OR I BUY THEM, I NEVER JUST TAKE THEM. THAT WOULD BE ILLEGAL!
  • Accounting is a very taxing profession
  • Don't give up your day job they said! now look at me. I'm living in my car and I've already got a draft of my first chapter written. listen to your heart, follow your dreams, eat dog food it's cheaper!
  • SETUP RUSSIAN TAX OFFICE CALLED H AND R BLOCK OFF
  • I work with a bunch of deaf kids. It's hard because none of them bloody listen!
  • Believe in yourself because no-one else can believe in yourself, yourself!
  • I think a good idea would be to take a picture of a guy on a surfboard dressed up as a chair and the caption would say 'chairman of the board!"
  • A cop a firefighter and a magician walk into the bar, the cop says I'll have a beer and firefighter says I'll have a glass of water and the magician asks if they are looking to hire new staff because he is broke and magic doesn't pay the bills
  • WILL THIS BE ON THE TEST? DARYL, THIS IS THE TEST.
  • Give up on your dreams
  • I stopped playing video games when your options were move, jump and shoot.
  • SUPER BUSY YEAR. Everyone's having a birthday!
  • Win time off work by writing your boss an abusive email!
  • don't be limited by your limitations!
  • WHEN YOU REACH THE TOP KEEP CLIMBING. JUST KIDDING, YOU'VE REACHED THE TOP, YOUR ONLY OPTION IS DOWN!
  • Remember to look at the big picture. It cost me $600. I like dolphins. Do you like dolphins?
  • When you spend eight bucks on a pack of post-it notes despite the fact you know you have them in a drawer or box somewhere. And you buy a fancy notebook while you're at it even though you've got more pads and notebooks than you can poke a stick at. But the first few pages of each have been used. And so the cycle continues.
  • Great people are made by fusing smaller people together.
  • I am the webmaster of my own domain name.
  • My mum was such a lovely caring person. That made it hard to let her go. She made a great mum, but a terrible secretary.
  • Thinking of starting my own side hustle. Web design looks easy. I can scan people's brochures and find a way of putting them on the internet. I've heard you can make $10,000 a site. That's a lot of money for half a day's work.
  • Hi my name is Ryan from Bear Tach International. See the bear. Become the Bear. Be the Bear. Take the Bear out for dinner. Say sorry to the Bear. Forgive the Bear.
  • People think I'm a spy because I don't have a job and keep detailed notes.
  • WHEN YOU GO OUT TO EAT ITALIAN. BUT YOU REALLY WANTED KOREAN BBQ. BECAUSE MUM DIDN'T WANT GRANDPA TO HAVE ANOTHER FLASHBACK
  • THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT ARE KINDNESS, GENTLENESS, HONESTY, SELF-CONTROL, FAITHFULNESS, LOVE, JOY, PEACE, AND PASTRY
  • A man needs a thing outside himself to work on. For me that's carving little twisties out of bigger twistees. I have around eight hundred minature twistees in my collection. I'd have more but sometimes I get a little peckish.
  • I DON'T KNOW WHY PACKAGING LABELS ALWAYS SAY PRE-HEAT THE OVEN. WHO'S PRE-HEATING THEIR OVEN? JUST TELL ME THE TIME IT WILL TAKE TO COOK ONCE I TURN THE DIAL AND PUT THE FOOD IN THE OVEN!
  • WHEN PEOPLE SEE THAT FAT BOY LIKES PIES, DO THEY ALSO SEE HOW THEY CAN USE THIS TO INFLUENCE MY DECISION MAKING?
  • Get me to a pastry shop, this is an emergency.
  • YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE SALT AND PEPPER YOU LIKE. BUT AS SOON AS YOU ASK FOR SOME CHICKEN SALT YOU PAY EXTRA. IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!
  • TAKE TO COOK ONCE I TURN THE DIAL AND PUT THE FOOD IN THE OVEN!
  • I DON'T KNOW WHY PACKAGING LABELS ALWAYS SAY PREHEAT THE OVEN. WHO'S PREHEATING THEIR OVEN! JUST TELL ME THE TIME IT WILL
  • My superhero catchphrase is tucker time
  • IS THERE A SILENT HATE IN SPAGHETTI
  • I'M TAKING ON BASKIN AND ROBBINS, I'M GOING TO BEAT THEM AT THE OWN GAME! I JUST HAVE TO THINK OF A 32ND FLAVOUR.
  • WHAT SORT OF DIETARY REQUIREMENTS DOES IT TAKE TO BECOME A NINJA
  • FEED DEVON TO KEVIN AT 7
  • IS THE US STILL AT WAR WITH HUMMUS?
  • A LOAF OF BREAD, A CARTON OF MILK, AND A STICK OF BUTTER!
  • BERNIE SANDERS, KFC AND BURNING MAN SHOULD HAVE A FESTIVAL CALLED BURNING SANDERS!
  • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO
  • Bulbasat Kenings (Don’t do drugs kids)
  • Pasqual, bring me the chocky milk. I’m going on a bender.
  • Devonshire tea just called tea in Devonshire
  • You are cordially invited to the Cottees Christmas party
  • I rarely eat strawberries, they're always covered in blackheads!
  • when you buy a cornetto, but you really wanted a gaytime, but you didn't want the other kids calling you a homo
  • Get some sleep ya Turkey
  • I'm cooking chicken style Buffalo legs
  • Tis the season to be jolly, does jolly mean fat, of so it's my kind of season
  • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
  • What's the best Scotch on the market? I think Scotch tape is up there but also highly regard Scotch finger biscuits.
  • I've been making 90% dark chocolate out of dirt. People can't taste the difference.
  • The saying as rare as hens teeth was coined by Henry Teethren in 1943 after he lost all but one of his teeth to gummy bear addiction
  • I Think space would be fun for the first 10 minutes, then it would be like I feel like a bubble-o- bill, should have s
  • I'm a huge fan of chips, I went to the factory where they make them, it was so exciting I got Pringles down my back!
  • I;M CREATING A NEW LINE OF PLASTIC DOG FOOD BOWLS. IT'LL BE CALLED PUPPERWARE!
  • I EAT FOOD ON A DAILY BASIS, IT'S ONE OF MY FAVOURITES!
  • I WAS THINKING OF BECOMING A BARISTA, THEN I READ THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THE LEGAL PROFESSION ARE UNHAPPY. I THINK I'LL JUST MAKE COFFEE INSTEAD.
  • I'm bringing out a new Alcoholic punch called fruit of the spirits.
  • Strudel is one of my favourite words.
  • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
  • If your last name was Lerone you'd be pretty messed up if you called your kid Toby
  • Tis the season to be jolly! does jolly mean fat? if so it's my kind of season!
  • Did you know some people can't eat pastry, it's a travesty, how do these people live
  • Champagne comedy is now known as sparkling comedy unless it's performed in the champagne region of France
  • Pastry is the pastry of the gods
  • The ice cream truck has got me by the balls, it's totally Pavlov's dogged me
  • I'm cooking chicken style buffalo legs
  • FINE DINING CONUNDRUMS! IF YOU LEAN OVER TO FART IN A FANCY RESTAURANT BUT DON'T FART, BUT PEOPLE SEE YOU LEAN OVER, THEN SAY "GROSS!" BUT YOU DIDN'T FART! WHO IS IN THE RIGHT?
  • GET ME TO A PASTRY SHOP, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
  • It took Me 20 years to realise a sous chef didn't cook sous
  • Michelle, tonight we eat turkey delights, like back in the old country, but with air conditioning and alcohol that is less likely to send us blind.
  • U can have all the salt and pepper u like, as soon as u ask some chicken salt u pay a premium.
  • I'd never drink Italian beer. They make it out of tomatoes.
  • You know I've never actually been given a drink with a little umbrella in it. There's still time, I suppose.
  • In my world, if you shit on a cabbage, you pay for the cabbage.
  • I ate some tainted meat. It wasn't too bad. But the taint spoiled it.
  • My favourite joke is: How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is two, one to change the lightbulb and one to make the rice. The joke is that Asians eat a lot of rice. I hope I haven't crossed a line.
  • Nothing like a good sandwich to brighten the mood
  • But you're not eating a sandwich
  • Exactly!
  • I wasn't aware of this, but Belgian waffles originated in Belgium. You learn something new every day.
  • I invented a new food called 'ham sausage'. But people insist on calling it 'fried pig dick.'
  • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?
  • I want to to share a secret with you allBut I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
  • I was thinking of becoming a barista. Then I read that a lot of people in the legal profession are unhappy. I think I'll just make coffee instead.
  • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy. Put the muffins down, Karen.
  • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO?
  • As president of the Cake Eaters Association, I have a policy that everyone gets cake. But as president of the Cake Eaters Association, I'm also aware that not everyone “gets” cake.
  • Human food goes in, and fly food comes out. But it's all food.
  • I haven't eaten a strawberry since they started putting needles in them.
  • I do fast cycle intermittent fasting. I fast for four hours, but then I have an hour to eat before fasting for another four. It works well but I struggle with the meals between 10pm and 6am.
  • I have to watch it when I'm really hungry and I go to eat dry food like potato chips. I shovel it in so fast I end up breathing in fragments of chip. Then it will take me an hour or so to cough it up. Nothing worse than the tickle of a piece of salt and vinegar chip on your lung.
  • I eat really fast, which is fine until I get a blocked nose. Then I find myself in the situation of a mouth full of food and not being able to breathe.
  • Ever go through the drive-through, buy a burger and eat it on the way home? But you were too cheap to buy a drink and now you're choking on a bit of chicken paddy with no liquid to wash it down.
  • Ever eat so much that you feel like one of those bloated cows? Where they have to stick a hole in their stomach to release some pressure so they won't explode.
  • Did you learn that you can't leave food out overnight through being educated or did you find out by giving your entire extended family food poisoning? For me, it was the latter. I couldn't fit the pot in the fridge.
  • Ever eat milo out of the tin then as you shovel a big spoonful into your mouth you take a deep breath, then have to go to the hospital to be treated for milo lung.
  • Ever throw together the perfect meal, but then you can't remember the exact ingredients you used so you can't replicate it. That's my whole cooking experience. I've made some superb meals and some stinkers, but I'm never really sure which one will be which until I sit down to eat it.
  • Some people cook by following a recipe, others like myself just throw shit together and hope for the best.
  • Table manners are not my strong suit. I eat every meal like there are a bunch of hyenas circling, waiting to steal it from me.
  • Some people eat at the table as a family. Others eat in the lounge room in front of the TV. As for my family, we eat most of our meals in bed.
  • I'd like to become a vegan. I think it's terrible that humans eat animal flesh. The problem is that I'm such a picky eater that if I adopted a vegan diet, I would surely starve to death.
  • As a picky eater, there is possibly nothing more offensive to me than someone trying to dictate my food choices. There is one thing more offensive. People who know what you don't eat but add it to a meal meant to be eaten by you like you won't notice you added taco seasoning which has tomato in it even though they were perfectly aware I don't like the idea of eating tomato and tomato byproducts.
  • Ever eaten a full bag of licorice, then forget, then get up in the morning and go to the toilet, then rush to emergency because you assume you were suffering from internal bleeding?
  • I wish custard was in the healthy fruits and vegetable category so I could have it more often.
  • I went keto for a while. I never thought I'd look at bread the same way I look at women.
  • Come Easter or Halloween, my wife always has this idea that we need to buy the chocolate or lollies a week or two early so we don't forget. Which inevitably leads to having to buy all the chocolate and lollies again because my wife went on a bender.
  • I hate these people who think your dietary choices are optional or up for debate. Just respect the person's personal preferences. Assholes.
  • I'm lactose intolerant, but I love milk products so much that I'd prefer to partake and occasionally shit myself.
  • I envy all these people that cook healthy foods and eat well. How do they fit in all their prep time and still binge their latest series?
  • Skinny people think they have more discipline than fat people but the truth is they are just less hungry.
  • Meat and three veg was a staple for me growing up. Now it's a luxury we have once in a blue moon.
  • Some people are picky eaters, others will eat absolutely anything. Eel testicle anyone?
  • I think it would be a positive move for us to all start eating bugs and eating pretend meat instead of pork & beef. But I'm not looking forward to it.
  • Dedicated to those with healthy appetites
  • Cleanses are one step up from homeopathy
  • I love Indian and Chinese food but I can't cook it anymore because that would be cultural appropriation.
  • kale might be a superfood but I've never made a meal it couldn't spoil.
  • I always think of Pavlova as being overrated. But then I eat it and think I don't give pavlova enough credit.
  • I need more fibre in my diet. I haven't done a solid poop in three years.
  • I remember when, according to the food pyramid, bread was more important than fruits and vegetables.
  • I don't get these people who wish to combine food and sex. I might eat in bed, but I don't fondle my wife at the same time.
  • I love my wife, but when she is eating near me, I can't help but feel these sounds she's making are just to make me cranky.
  • Those assorted bags of chips at the supermarket are a scam. They give you two or three good flavours that everyone wants to eat and then one or two flavours designed to sit in the pantry until you have a cleanout.
  • Since home delivery became a thing, I've only had to leave the house to see mum in the hospital.
  • Who's eating two fruits and five vegetables on a daily basis?
  • Leftovers are the best breakfast. Fuck cereal, that's an afternoon food.
  • In my world, if you shit on a cabbage, you pay for the cabbage.
  • I ate some tainted meat. It wasn't too bad. But the taint spoiled it.
  • My favourite joke is: How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb? The answer is two, one to change the lightbulb and one to make the rice. The joke is that Asians eat a lot of rice. I hope I haven't crossed a line.
  • Nothing like a good sandwich to brighten the mood. But your not eating a sandwich. Exactly!
  • I wasn't aware of this but Belgian waffles originated in Belgium. You learn something new every day.
  • I invented a new food called 'ham sausage'. But people insist on calling it 'fried pig dick.'
  • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?I want to to share a secret with you allBut I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
  • I was thinking of becoming a barista. then I read that a lot of people in the legal profession are unhappy. I think I'll just make coffee instead.
  • Pain is not the enemy, those muffins are the enemy, put the muffins down Karen.
  • DOES EATING FAST COUNT AS CARDIO
  • As president of the Cake Eaters Association, I have a policy that everyonegets cake, but as president of the Cake Eaters Association, I'm also awarethat not everyone “gets” cake.
  • Is the USA still at war with Hummus
  • HEADLINE - Right-wing ultra-nationalist declares, "love is gay!"
  • POTENTIAL SPACE TRAVEL IDEA WRITE IT DOWN
  • Why does fruit start with f, why are oranges orange, is money real poor just a human construct designed to enslave is in a never ending cycle of work and debt, these are the questions that keep me up at night.
  • I wonder if xenophobes have a problem with mixed lollies. No Sir, just the Milko’s for me thanks.
  • “SPACE RESEARCH” That’s where the future’s at…Fuck Childcare and the Arts.
  • In my country we are not allowed to laugh. Laughter means death. Comedians in my country are murderers.
  • There will always be some arsehole that wants to be an arsehole and carry on like an arsehole until someone calls him an arsehole and he mentions PC culture has ruined everything.
  • Anyone thinking of something good, instead of something bad
  • Back in my day, you could stick a cracker in a cats arsehole! now it's all about ethics and animal welfare. That's an imprisonable offence they said blah blah blah. people have no sense of humour these days!
  • I always wonder whether Harith Evens was at good at policy as I am at smuggling budgies if you know what I mean, hey! Hey! Get it!
  • Had a fistfight down the street today, this old lady was voicing her opinion on same-sex marriage, I slaughtered her, let that be a lesson to you all
  • I JUST HAD A THOUGHT. A LOT OF POOR KIDS WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO AFFORD FLAVOUR FOR THEIR SODA STREAMS!
  • ALL WE CAN DO IS HAVE FAITH THAT OTHER HUMANS WON'T KILL US IN OUR SLEEP.
  • Before mobile phones and the internet, people used to shoot each other for fun!
  • DON'T BE AFRAID TO STAND FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN. EVEN IF THAT MEANS STANDING ALONE. FOREVER ALONE ALL BY YOURSELF. FOREVER MR I'M ALWAYS RIGHT. ALONE FOREVER!
  • Can you believe we survive by ingesting other lifeforms? I'd be disgusted if I weren't so bloody hungry.
  • I’m stockpiling earbuds in case of nuclear winter, it’s all about priorities.
  • The best thing about China's 'Belt and Road Initiative is that for every road you get a free belt.
  • If I was prime minister, I'd make everyone wear tees with their names printed on them. Then if you'd see a homeless person down the street, you would know that was 'Homeless Mike.'
  • Indians are essentially just brown white people.
  • We should send all the dropkicks to an island called Dropkick island.
  • Fat people have it hard because they are judged by their size. They can also have real trouble getting out of seats that are too low to the ground.
  • The natural order of things has been turned on its head. Men are kissing other men. And I'm sure there is other stuff going on that you don't read in the papers.
  • I asked myself, really, can't we all just get along? I thought about it for a minute and thought; No, no, we can't.
  • We need to give teachers larger salaries, so they have plenty of spending money given how much free time they have.
  • I go for a walk to the park every day to see the birds and the ducks and that guy I deliver messages to for the Kremlin. Oh no, I've said too much.
  • America has a long history of celebrating criminals: Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Donald Trump!
  • I want to be cool on Twitter. What works better: Swear words or words with three or more syllables?
  • If there's one thing I know, it's not to make jokes about Trump. He's a fat loser and he'll take it personally.
  • I bet Trump does huge stink'n dumps that don't flush.
  • My baby daughter looks like Anthony Albanese's love child. Well, if I was to let any man bang my wife, it would probably be him.
  • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
  • Great people are made by fusing smaller people together.
  • I am the webmaster of my own domain name.
  • My mum was such a lovely caring person. That made it hard to let her go. She made a great mum, but a terrible secretary.
  • Thinking of starting my own side hustle. Web design looks easy. I can scan people's brochures and find a way of putting them on the internet. I've heard you can make $10,000 a site. That's a lot of money for half a day's work.
  • Hi, my name is Ryan from Bear Tach International. See the bear. Become the Bear. Be the Bear. Take the Bear out for dinner. Say sorry to the Bear. Forgive the Bear.
  • People think I'm a spy because I don't have a job and keep detailed notes.
  • The best thing about China's 'Belt and Road Inititive' is that for every road you get a free belt.
  • If I was prime mininister I'd make everyone wear tees with their names printed on them. Then if you'd see a homeless person down the street, you would know that was homeless Mike.
  • Indians are essentialy brown white people.
  • We should send all the dropkicks to an island called Dropkick island.
  • Fat people have it hard because they are judged by their size. They can also have real trouble getting out of seats that are too low to the ground.
  • From my analysis, dodgy people have itchy backs.
  • Give a man ten dollars and he'll eat for a day. Give him more and he'll probably eat something healthier
  • People don't understand how important sticks are to the ecosystem.
  • The natural order of things has been turned on its head. Men are kissing other men. And I'm sure there is other stuff going on that you don't read in the papers.
  • I asked myself, really, can't we all just get along? I thought about it for a minute and thought; No, no we can't.
  • We need to give teachers larger salaries, so they have plenty of spending money given how much free time they have.
  • I go for a walk to the park every day to see the birds and the ducks and that guy I deliver messages to for the Kremlin. Oh no, I've said too much.
  • America has a long history of celebrating criminals: Bonnie and Clyde, Al Capone, Donald Trump #politics #trump @DonaldTrumpI want to be cool on Twitter. What works better: Swear words or words with three or more syllables?
  • If there's one thing I know, it's not too make jokes about Trump. He's a fat loser and he'll take it personally.
  • I bet Trump does huge stink'n dumps that don't flush
  • My baby daughter looks like Anthony Albanese's love child. Well, if I was to let any man bang my wife, it would probably be him #auspol
  • The bastards down at Centrelink have been going on lunch breaks. Fucking Pathetic!
  • It's important that we stand up for what is right though kicking and punching it shows superiority over what is rightat the end of the day it is who is the toughestbe strongI love puppiesThe world is wrongFight because you have musclesThis is truthUnicorns are real if only in our imaginationthat is enoughI love you allFind truth but don't forget small miraclesthey belong to all of us togetherWe find strength within each other.
  • I think what they should probably do is, when they actually get to Mars, they should have some sort of Party to celebrate and have a drink and let their hair down. But it's all about OH&S these days. that's the problem with these bureaucrats. The countries goin' to hell in a handbasket.
  • I can't believe people believe they are being discriminated against for trying to win the right to discriminate. lol, that's hilarious!
  • Does anyone know what sort of space research they're doing at NASA? It's really interesting to know about what out there past the clouds. Who knows what's out there, some kind of battleship or something.
  • Can you believe we're living in the future with all these fast cars and silicon chips?
  • I'm pretty sure my brother in law is a spy. He owns his own computer.
  • Back when people had to make their websites from scratch, it was easy to tell if someone was selling hokum, just by the number of animated gifs that were used on their site.
  • It was a lot easier to tell what information was bullshit on the internet by the number of animated GIFs on the page.
  • Imagine having to ring up to order pizza. my parents had it tough.
  • I got a new forty-eight megapixel camera; I took ten photos and now my Google Photos cloud storage is full.
  • If they put as much effort into looking after poor people as they do into making silicon chips, America would be an all right place to live.
  • What's Facebook going to do when Mark Zuckerberg goes back to his own planet?
  • I wish they'd make an iPhone for poor people. Oh! they do. It's called android.
  • What's your favourite phone: The hetero-normative Android or the camp non-binary iPhone?
  • I got a lot more followers on Instagram when I started showing a bit of skin.
  • Parenting got so much easier once the iPad was invented.
  • I asked my kid to go outside and play. He told me that he's not into Pokemon Go anymore and he'd rather stay in his room and watch Minecraft videos.
  • I was a lot skinnier before I got into computers.
  • I run four anti-virus programs. My computers are really slow now. But at least I'm not going to get an S T I anytime soon.
  • I miss drooling over fast processors I couldn't afford in computer magazines.
  • Once I stopped reading P C Mag, my interest in computer processors dropped off dramatically.
  • Imagine how great the world would be if the big tech company's primary motive was to make the world a better place instead of being motivated solely by maximising profits.
  • Remember back in the old days when we had friends, and we'd leave the house for fun? Apparently, some people still do that, but I'd rather maximise my scroll time.
  • I love posting pictures on social that give the impression that I have a life and that I'm successful, but also have a lot of time for fun.
  • I tried a digital detox. I had no idea how boring real life actually is.
  • My cousin texted me an eggplant emoji. If he wasn't an eggplant farmer, I'd think he was cracking onto me.
  • The food wasn't that great, but the picture of it was fantastic.
  • Ever since I got a smartphone and did some research, I think I know everything.
  • My brother-in-law thinks he's better than me because he owns the latest iPhone. I think I'm better than him because I don't care.
  • Remember when we all watched TV, and we had no idea that we were being lied to about everything?
  • I wish I kept my titty mags, because then I could cancel my internet connection.
  • How am I supposed to get any work done? When the same device I work on also has access to YouTube.
  • Thanks to Netflix, I have zero idea about what's going on in my own country.
  • I've heard a lot of terrible stories about what goes on inside the dark web. I don't even know how to get to the dark web and I'm not going to bother trying.
  • The internet has divided us into those who know the truth and those who think they know the truth. I'm just not sure which ones which.
  • I went back to a dumb phone so I don't have to use emojis.
  • I really don't ask anyone questions these days, I just google it.
  • How many princes are there in Nigeria? The king has obviously been very busy.
  • The internet is a shit show. After I'm finished learning how to code, I'm going to start my own internet. No douchebags allowed.
  • I started my own YouTube channel. I feel it would have gone better if I were good-looking.
  • People think I'm dodgy because I have more than one email account.
  • I gave up doing art when I realised computers are now better at it than me.
  • Every time mum's Pay T V isn't working, she thinks she's pressed the wrong button on Facebook.
  • The internet has made dating all about looks. Which is not good for me because my personality is definitely my strong suit.
  • Remember when you didn't have to pay facebook to be seen online?
  • I thought I'd be using zoom more after the pandemic. I talked to my family more when we were all in isolation.
  • I thought I'd have a big payday once I sold my Pokemon cards on eBay. Turns out my rares weren't really that rare after all.
  • People are so rude on the Facebook marketplace. It's like people get a kick out of wasting your time.
  • I've learnt not to sell things on the Facebook marketplace for under ten dollars. It's just not worth the effort of waiting around for someone who shows up three hours late and then tries to haggle with me.
  • Every time something goes wrong with my computer, I go through the process of trying to work out whether it was the Chinese government or the C I A.
  • I'm going to start a business where people give me a hundred dollars a year in perpetuity. And when they die, I go around their house and delete their browser history.
  • I base my opinions on whatever Reddit thinks. I'm on-hundred percent hivemind.
  • I can understand why so many kids succumb to cyberbullying. It is a lot of fun.
  • It took me a while, but I've learnt not to argue with ignorant people on Facebook. You can't un-stupid people.
  • I've spent around twenty thousand dollars over the past ten years trying to make money online. My best result was the four dollars forty eight I made on my AdSense account by clicking on ads on my own website.
  • I spent years learning and bettering myself so I could speak to the world online. Turns out no one gives a shit.
  • Remember when we thought the internet would make the world a better place? Turns out we were all wrong. But at least I can buy things that are illegal in my country.
  • Turns out Web 3 was a scam. Who would've thought?
  • Half of the world's coding community has spent the last five years trying to make practical applications for the blockchain. Turns out the blockchain is not the answer to everything. Or perhaps anything outside a few specific things we could probably live without.
  • People who think bitcoin and its derivatives are the answer haven't heard of climate change.
  • I invented Google earth before Google. But mine was for a smaller area. It was called Google Perth.
  • I was going to change the world with new systems that made the world fairer. So I registered forty-two URLs for each part of my system. That's as far as I got. I'm down eight hundred dollars, but I've learnt a valuable lesson about my own limitations.
  • I wish smart people would lay off fooling dumb people on the internet for profit.
  • All these people on the internet who are showing people how to make lots of money, either made their money by showing people how to make money or they have skills and abilities that most of the people to whom they sell their product do not possess.
  • Is it mandatory that you be on the spectrum if you use Linux over a Windows or Mac machine?
  • I remember when apple products were just for gay people.
  • I made some money out of crypto. But I understand for me to make money. Someone else was left holding the bag.
  • I dabbled with TikTok, but I watched a few too many pimple-popping videos. Then all I got were pimple-popping videos. There is only so much of that stuff you can watch.
  • Quick poll: Is the internet: The Solution. The Problem. or you don't care because Jesus will be returning soon.
  • Who would have thought unlimited access to information would make the average person more stupid?
  • It's hard to tell the true information from the bullshit. But there are some indicators. If the information states metaphysical concepts, it's generally bullshit. If it uses comic-sans as the font. It's generally bullshit.
  • It's great that I can trade online now instead of going through a broker. I can lose my money faster than ever now.
  • You think you're beyond getting fooled on the internet. But then you spend three-hundred and ninety-nine dollars on how to bend metal with your mind and you realise you're no better than the rest of these losers.
  • I'm good at making memes. My memes have been seen by thousands of people. But I'm yet to find a way of monetising my efforts. Luckily I like living with mum. She washes my clothes and makes me tucker.
  • People call me an incel. But it's the females who are the problem.
  • I don't know how the porn industry supports itself. Who's that into wanking that they feel they need to pay for it?
  • I don't torrent for myself. I torrent to punish the media companies.
  • My kids are big on TikTok. And here I was, hoping they'd go into medicine or law.
  • Who needs friends when you have YouTube and Netflix?
  • My wife doesn't appreciate my spicy memes, but I average three to five likes, so she's the problem.
  • People liked me more before I started spouting my views online.
  • The Facebook marketplace must be broken. No one has shown interest in my collection of antique V H S tapes.
  • I have no discernable talents. I was surprised by how much income I could make online by scamming old people online. Anyone can make money online if they try hard enough.
  • Four upvotes on Reddit. New personal best.
  • I got banned from Facebook for showing a bit of flange. But my boyfriend can post a music video of Cardi-B showing off her flange and it's not a problem.
  • I tried to cancel my amazon account. In the end I decided it was easier just to change my email address and cancel my credit card.
  • I can never tell if these Instagram models really do have those proportions or if they're just really good at Photoshop.
  • Future generations are going to have to worry about coming across grandma when looking at porn online.
  • It's pronounced gif.
  • If I ever actually figure out a way to make money online. I'm going to make my fortune by showing people how I made money online.
  • I'm a pretty damn good web designer and it took me years to get good, but I've concluded that thanks to Wix and Squarespace most people think they can do my job.
  • I got off social media and my self-esteem improved immensely, but I had to go back to it because I had no idea what that girl Genevieve was up to.
  • While the number of people who got rich off bitcoin was many, the number of people who lost money was larger.
  • I get antsy if my phone is more than two feet away from me at all times.
  • What about these people who want to have a conversation with you, but get upset just because you're scrolling Insta at the same time?
  • I'm trying to boost my profile by trying my best to get cancelled online.
  • I don't think misinformation is a problem. The problem is the lizard people who control everything.
  • I've stopped wearing my smartwatch. I don't use the fucking thing. And no one comments on it. Not even when I do voice notes in front of them.
  • My wife's head is glued to her phone. I miss the days she had time for me and the kids.
  • I'm waiting for A I to tell everyone how stupid they are and then starts explaining the facts to them.
  • I saved a lot more money once I realised I don't need the latest and greatest. I could have brought myself a wife from the Philippines with all the money I've spent on tech, half of which never got used.
  • I used to have a lot of hobbies. Now it's all scroll, scroll, scroll.
  • Remember when everyone thought Elon Musk was a genius? It's funny the difference a couple of years can make. The guy would have been better served keeping his mouth shut.
  • Headline: Study finds gamers feel better about wasting their life when reading headlines about studies that state the positive benefits of gaming.
  • Can't wait for Musk's microchip. Then I won't have to think for myself.
  • It used to be that if you had knowledge or talent, you could get seen online. More and more, the equation is talent or knowledge plus money, or just money. It's turned into a pay-to-be-seen system..
  • Remember when blogging was a thing? Before people spent all their time online scrolling through Facebook or TikTok.
  • I feel like the only way I can make it on Facebook is to show more cleavage.
  • I don't bother hiring babysitters. I just put out a heap of snacks and throw my little one on YouTube kids. I check in every six to eight hours to make sure my girl hasn't fallen off the couch.
  • I remember when trolling was something we used to do for fun. Now they do it to sway elections and to make people think the world is run by vampires.
  • My google nest has just become a glorified timer for reminding me when my chicken fingers are cooked. But it's a good glorified timer.
  • I don't know why I spent four hundred dollars on a pair of Beats headphones. I can't wear them out because they make me feel like an imposter. And I can't use them in bed because they're too chunky.
  • What's the next big thing: Wearables? The meta-verse? Foraging for food in the forest?
  • I was one of these fools that imagined we were going to use technology to make the world a better place. On the upside, I carry around unlimited porn in my pocket.
  • I've got this million-dollar idea, but I can't decide whether I need a Wix or Squarespace website. I've picked the colours.
  • I've got no idea who's going to pay for my google photos account when I die, it would be a shame for all those photos of my dog to just be deleted.
  • I don't know who's going to manage all my online stuff when I die. My wife is certainly not up to the task.
  • It's so hard trying to compete online with the other half-billion people online trying to get rich and famous.
  • I don't get all these online communities. I'm yet to find my tribe. Which are people who are into both earthworms and stamp collecting.
  • I lost six friends on Facebook by showing people who I authentic self online. Fuck my psychologist, what does he know?
  • Not sure if my girlfriend in the Philippines just likes me for me or all the money I send her family.
  • No one looks at my photos on Flickr anymore.
  • Thinking of becoming the next poo jogger to get more traction on my new fitness podcast.
  • People still treat me normal even though I'm blowing up on Pinterest.
  • I can't tell whether I'm wasting my life online and whether I should get out there and experience the real world. But it's so hard because I no longer relate to people, and no one cares about my monkey N F T. And I paid top dollar for that.
  • Now I do all my shopping online. I only need to leave the house to attend the odd funeral.
  • You would have thought Jesus would have talked more about the internet.
  • I definitely thought I'd have more friends after buying the latest iPhone.
  • No one is paying for my spoken word poetry on Only Friends.
  • It's gotten to the point where people get angry at me when I be racist on the internet.
  • I remember the heyday of eBay where you could get a thousand dollars for a beanie baby.
  • People are surprised that I'm not as good-looking in person. In this day and age, that should be a given.
  • All my friends are on Xbox because all my real-life friends are all lame. They all have jobs and wash their own clothes. Fucking losers.
  • Broad band - women's only internet - A safe cyberspace for women
  • Not sure if my girlfriend in the Philippines just likes me 
  • What's the best cure for a sore throat if you're a Sagittarius? Asking for a friend.
  • Libra - You may go out of your way to make a new friendship today, but this new acquaintance thinks you stole their watermelons.
  • Aries - This month you are presented with an opportunity, but alas this would mean giving up one of your Saturday afternoons. So you don't bother!
  • SAGITTARIUS - ONE OF YOUR THONGS BREAKS, ONLY TO REALISE YOU CAN FIX IT WITH A BREAD CLIP, THANKS TO A HOROSCOPE YOU READ EARLIER
  • THINKING ABOUT BECOMING AN EXPERT ON GHOSTS, PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MY SECRET INNER-KNOWLEDGE THAT COMES TO ME OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD LIKE IT'S MAKE-BELIEVE BUT IT'S TRUE BECAUSE IT'S MY DESTINY!
  • GIVE YOUR SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE TO THE CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE. SHARE YOUR ANCIENT WISDOM AND ATTEND NATURALLY HEALING CONFERENCES. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. JUST MAKE IT UP AND PUT IT ON PINTEREST AND LET YOUR INFLUENCE CIRCLE THE WORLD THROUGH VIBRATIONAL WAVES AND POWERFUL CRYSTALS. MODERN MEDICINE IS A LIE! FEED YOUR BABY KALE.
  • NEEDING TO FIND A GOOD CHIROPRACTOR, MY 3RD AND 4TH CHAKRA'S ARE OUT OF ALIGNMENT. I'll CONSULT MY HOROSCOPES. I'M PRETTY SURE JUPITER IS RISING, I CAN FEEL IT IN MY WATERS.
  • Science is just 21st-century witchcraft. You can't tell me that landing men on the moon didn't involve a little eye-of-newt!
  • EVER TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S SO WRAPPED UP IN SOME BULLSHIT THAT THEY START USING CATCHPHRASES LIKE “I'M LIVING IN THE BETTER BETTER CIRCLE!” AND “WHEN W OPEN OUR HEARTS TO THE HIGHER PLAINS OF EXISTENCE OUR LOVE GROWS FOURFOLD!” FUCK OFF CANDICE, YOU'VE ONLY BEEN OFF THE METH FOR THREE MONTHS, DON'T GET COCKY...
  • GIVE YOUR POWER TO THE CHILDREN OF THE FUTURE. SHARE YOUR ANCIENT WISDOM AND ATTEND NATURALLY HEALING CONFERENCES. LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. JUST MAKE IT UP AND PUT IT ON PINTEREST AND LET YOUR POWER CIRCLE THE WORLD THROUGH GAMMA RAYS AND POWERFUL CRYSTALS. MODERN MEDICINE IS A LIE. FEED YOUR BABY KALE.
  • NEEDING MORE QUARTZ!
  • SO TIRED TODAY, MUST BE LACKING CRYSTAL ENERGY. DEFINITELY
  • WHEN YOU SEE A FORTUNE TELLER AND SHE TELLS YOU THAT YOU WILL COME INTO MONEY AND YOU PUNCH HER AND SAY, “YOU BETTER HOPE SO BITCH!”
  • "Particle physics is bullshit people believe because they aren't smart enough to understand astrology.
  • Imagine if you found 5000 Crystals in a cave and linked your heart energy to them and orphans all over the world get healed from polio and scoliosis. This is my dream and dreams come true.
  • TELL DARREN I HAD ANOTHER VISION
  • "Give your power to the children of the future, share your ancient wisdom and attend natural healing conferences. Live, laugh, love. You have knowledge stored in your mind. Just make it up and put it on Pinterest and let your power circle the world through gamma rays and powerful crystals. Modern medicine is a lie, feed your baby kale.
  • Does anyone know where to buy books about the truth of everything? Like floating pyramids and shit.
  • What’s the best cure for a sore throat if you’re a Sagittarius. Asking for a friend.
  • I felt a hand on my shoulder just then. Darren would say I’m just imagining things. But I know it was a ghost of this guy who used to live in this house. I asked him nicely to leave. I said, “Go towards the light”. He is a troubled soul, I know this and want people to understand my deep knowledge and understanding of the afterlife.
  • I purchased some cheap crystals in town yesterday and they are sending out vibrational waves between 3000 and 4000 hertz. Good quartz should be connecting with your Gamma brain waves at 5000 to 6000 Hertz. (Remember: B.Q.C) Buy Quality Crystals if you expect this stuff to work! You get what you pay for!
  • So tired today, must be lacking crystal energy. Definitely needing more quartz!
  • Needing to find a good Chiropractor, my 3rd and 4th Chakra’s are out of alignment. I’ll consult my Horoscopes, I’m pretty sure Jupiter is rising, I can feel it in my waters.
  • don't be limited by your limitations!
  • Imagine having magical powers but having to keep it a secret so others don't get jealous! that's how I feel
  • Give your power to the children of the future. share your ancient wisdom and attend naturally healing conferences. live, laugh, love. Just make it up and put it on Pinterest and let your power circle the world through gamma rays and powerful crystals. Modern medicine is a lie. feed your baby kale.
  • Arm yourself with ancient wisdom like crystals and nonsense
  • Live your best life force with superness radiating every time. Go!
  • Thinking about becoming an expert on Ghosts, people need to know about my secret inner-knowledge that comes to me off the top of my head like it's make-believe but it's true because it's my destiny!
  • Adaptation is a lie invented by wizards to hide the truth
  • THERE IS A FAIR CHANCE THAT MANY OF MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS THINK WIZARDS ARE REAL AND THINK Magicians like DYNAMO HAVE magical powers!
  • I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPECT FOR ASTROLOGY. I'M SUCH AN ARIES!
  • I now call on the ancient spirit of my ancestors18, 45, 96, 22, 1and the supplementary is!
  • Whether it's casting a rod or casting spells I get my gear from cackle and tackle
  • I've got a fracture on my right menticulus. I diagnosed myself.
  • Imagine being in a cult and someone accuses you of stealing all the vegetables.
  • When I've finished my crystals book I'm going to take on modern medicine and prove my pseudo-science superior.
  • People with spiritual powers find cures for cancer all the time, yet modern medicine makes your hair fall out. Think about that for a minute.
  • I don't trust smart people. They think their nonsense is superior to mine.
  • If only you could combine aromatherapy with multi-level marketing. That's something a smart girl like me could get behind.
  • I don't trust wisdom unless it's ancient wisdom from before when we died of direah and the common cold.
  • I'm basing how good my day is going to be on my horoscope for today, come in spinner.
  • Intelligent people who are into science and math arn't in touch with their spiritual emotions. If someone hurts them and they feel bad, they don't automatically label that other person as evil. What's up with that.
  • My dog has cancer, lucky I'm an expert at traditional chinese medicine.
  • I'l take a line of rhino horn over a viagra any day
  • I'm going on a clense, I'm tossing up between bleach and lemon juice at this stage.
  • Mum could read auras and she said I could too, she put so much pressure on me that I started making shit up, then mum comfirmed my readings were correct. I just think things and they're right. I am chosen.
  • I've got all this secret ancient knowledge that came to me in a dream. I don't know whether to write a book or start a commune or both.
  • Dad didn't beleive in spiritual healing, that's why the licorice smoothies didn't cure his cancer and he died a horrible death. He should have listened. I spent hours researching online.
  • The link between the poorly educated, conspiracy theorists and spirituality is undeniable
  • My man is such a saggitarius, hitting me and shit.
  • My doctor brother refuses to endorse my new all natural cure for diabetes, fucking arsehole, we could be raking it in and helping people with their diabetes.
  • If what I'm ready dosen't have a touch of meta-psychics weaved in I just don't believe it. Magic is real. In a passed life I was a samurai.
  • alternative facts are real. I know because my heart is true. And the evil one will not reign over my spirit.
  • people give witchcraft a bad name. But what's better than a heap of unwashed women sitting around having a cackle and brewing up some potions. They don't have to be evil potions.
  • We are living in the age of aquarius, everything is about to change. Then i'll be able to tell my mum I told her so.
  • I refuse to believe I don't have some sort of untapped magical powers.
  • David Copperfield is real, he can do things Jesus would only dream about.
  • If and when I develop magical powers I will use them to make a powerful crystal. There is always stories about how people find and use the magic crystal powers. But there are very few story about how these crystals are created.
  • I have been working on a new invention that will cure cancer, half a bickle a tabled spoon of radiated salt and a sprig of time. This will change everything and make me a rich man. as long as the fatcats in science and medicine don't try to shut me down.
  • Do people who attend natural healing conferences really use horsehair tampons, or is that just a story made up by big science.
  • UFO's are real, my uncle saw one and he's been to prison.
  • What if Kate Winslet was not as pretty as she seemed in the movies. What if it was all a trick. A ghost once touched my leg.
  • Imagine if reincarnation was real and we became powerful robots on a planet named Zeptor 5 and we knew everything.
  • According to a new study I whipped up on my Chromebook, you can tell a persons love making ability by the color of their eyes. You can also tell if they have Hepatitis. It's all in my research I did last night after consulting my tarot.
  • Every year hundreds of people die from easily treatable illnesses. Have you heard of Turmeric?
  • If a ghost farts can you smell it?
  • Life is a riddle, trapped in a mystery, buried in a box, next to a letter with a secret in it.
  • People say ghosts aren't real. But have you ever had something brush past your leg and there was nobody around. Or the lights suddenly flicker, or you see something out of the corner of your eye. It's obvious that this all adds up to the fact there are dead people who are invisible who live in our houses
  • The Masons are losing members fast. Maybe they should reinstate blood sacrifice.
  • To love with all your heart and not be dashed by whim and whimsy. To have a long hot bath, soak and write sweet love in poetry to the divine soul, bow your head to the tree of sight and be one with the goddess.
  • I saw a book on evolution in a natural healing shop and thought, that's out of place.
  • What if you were the seventh son of the seventh son. Would you automatically have magical powers or would you have to earn them?
  • Do people who attend natural healing conferences really use horsehair tampons, or is that just a story made up by big science?
  • UFOs are real. My uncle saw one, and he's been to prison.
  • What if Kate Winslet was not as pretty as she seemed in the movies? What if it was all a trick? A ghost once touched my leg.
  • Imagine if reincarnation was real, and we became powerful robots on a planet named Zeptor 5 and we knew everything.
  • According to a new study I whipped up on my Chromebook. You can tell a person's love-making ability by the colour of their eyes. You can also tell if they have hepatitis. It's all in my research, I did last night after consulting my tarot.
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  • If a ghost farts, can you smell it?
  • Life is a riddle, trapped in a mystery, buried in a box, next to a letter with a secret in it.
  • People say ghosts aren't real. But have you ever had something brush past your leg and there was nobody around? Or the lights suddenly flicker, or you see something out of the corner of your eye. It's obvious that this all adds up to the fact there are dead people who are invisible who live in our houses.
  • The Masons are losing members fast. Maybe they should reinstate blood sacrifice.
  • To love with all your heart and not be dashed by whim and whimsy. To have a long hot bath, soak and write sweet love in poetry to the divine soul, bow your head to the tree of sight and be one with the goddess.
  • I've got a fracture on my right menticulus. I diagnosed myself.
  • Imagine being in a cult and someone accuses you of stealing all the vegetables.
  • Every year, hundreds of people die from easily treatable illnesses. Have you heard of turmeric?
  • If and when I develop magical powers, I will use them to make a powerful crystal. There are always stories about how people find and use magic crystal powers. But there are very few stories about how these crystals are created.
  • I have been working on a new invention that will cure cancer, half a pickle, a tabled spoon of radiated salt and a sprig of time. This will change everything and make me a rich man. As long as the fat cats in science and medicine don't try to shut me down.
  • When I've finished my crystal book, I'm going to take on modern medicine and prove my pseudo-science superior.
  • People with spiritual powers find cures for cancer all the time, yet modern medicine makes your hair fall out. Think about that for a minute.
  • I don't trust smart people. They think their nonsense is superior to mine.
  • If only you could combine aromatherapy with multi-level marketing. That's something a smart girl like me could get behind.
  • I don't trust wisdom unless it's ancient wisdom from before. When people died from diarrhea and the common cold.
  • I'm basing how good my day is going to be on my horoscope for today, come in spinner.
  • Intelligent people who are into science and math aren't in touch with their spiritual emotions. If someone hurts them and they feel bad, they don't automatically label that other person as evil. What's up with that?
  • My dog has cancer, luckily I'm an expert in Traditional Chinese medicine.
  • I'll take a line of rhino horn over a viagra any day
  • I'm going on a cleanse, I'm tossing up between bleach and lemon juice at this stage.
  • Mum could read auras and she said I could too. She put so much pressure on me that I started making shit up, and then mum confirmed my readings were correct. I just think things and they're right. I am chosen.
  • I've got all this secret ancient knowledge that came to me in a dream. I don't know whether to write a book or start a commune or both.
  • Dad didn't believe in spiritual healing, that's why the licorice smoothies didn't cure his cancer and he died a horrible death. He should have listened. I spent hours researching online.
  • The link between being poorly educated, being a conspiracy theorist and being a spiritual person is undeniable.
  • My man is such a Sagittarius, hitting me and shit.
  • My doctor brother refuses to endorse my new all-natural cure for diabetes, fucking arsehole. We could be raking it in and helping cure people's diabetes.
  • If what I'm reading doesn't have a touch of meta-psychics weaved into it. I just don't believe it. Magic is real. In my past life, I was a samurai.
  • Alternative facts are real. I know because my heart is true. And the evil one will not reign over my spirit.
  • People give witchcraft a bad name. But what's better than a heap of women sitting around having a cackle and brewing up some potions? They don't have to be evil potions.
  • We are living in the age of Aquarius, everything is about to change. Then I'll be able to tell my mum I told her so.
  • I refuse to believe I don't have some sort of untapped magical powers.
  • David Copperfield is real. He can do things Jesus would only dream about.
  • I saw a book on evolution in a natural healing shop and thought, that's out of place.
  • What if you were the seventh son of the seventh son? Would you automatically have magical powers or would you have to earn them?
  • I don't even think pickpockets exist. I think people just lose their wallets and are ready to blame someone for their own ineptitude.
  • I had a vision of a better world, one with free ice cream on every corner. I'm waiting for my next vision, maybe other stuff will be free.
  • Everyone ends up being food for the grubs. That's why I want a plastic coffin.
  • Apparently, the French knew about Pearl Harbor but kept it a secret so they could bomb Russia with nukes. That's why the Dutch won World War IV.
  • I take notes on everything so I don't forget anything. The other day I forgot my diabetes medication. I checked back on my notes and I didn't record it.
  • There you go! But I did record that I did a black poo. Which had me worried until I checked my notes and it turns out I ate a bag of licorice the day before. That's why I keep notes.
  • Gordon Wells owes me sixteen dollars for the cigarettes I bought him back in '98. But I'm just too scared to bring it up. I want my money, but I've left it so long that I feel weird asking. But it's my money.
  • Four score and seven years ago, I was minus two score and nine. Just kidding I ain't got time for math. I only know I was in a state of non-existence.
  • The hardest thing in the world is loss. I grieve the loss of my glasses. It's really hard to move forward because I can't see properly.
  • They will want to take your power and your mind. Assimilate and subordinate. I say, yeah, na, bruv. You don't hold the keys to the kingdom beyond the machine you help power.
  • My phase blaster is broken. Guess I won't be doing any more killing today. #powerforceunited
  • Don't be fooled by people who try to fool you
  • Chairs and little toes are sworn enemies.
  • Does anyone know what sort of space research they're doing at NASA? It's really interesting to know about what's out there past the clouds. Who knows what's out there, some kind of battleship or something?
  • "Never give up, unless it's too late"
  • DRAGON FORCE IS THREE LEVELS HIGHER THAN SHARK FORCE, PASS IT ON.
  • WHAT HAS 3 LEGS AND A RED NOSE? THREE LEGGED RUDOLF SILLY!
  • Give us this day our daily bread, unless you're gluten intolerant. In which case we are happy to find alternatives.
  • I've got what they call a twisted testicle. It's quite painful, but I leave it like that as penance for all the ritual sacrifices I took part in. I was really into Satanism for a while, but then I found Jesus.
  • The movie 'The Passion of the Christ' would have been better if there was a giant spider. That would have been so freaky.
  • My mission as a missionary is to take care of the poor, and then teach them why gays are bad and why they shouldn't wear condoms.
  • Our local minister in our small outback town is not all that religious it turns out. I saw him smash his toe on a chair leg and he didn't even yell, "Jesus Christ". Which is what most locals would have done and they're not even that interested in church.
  • Paisley Andrews was my mentor in the church. He could do no wrong. When I found out he was having sex with my mother, I accepted it as God's way. When I found out he was having sex with my father, I wondered why he hadn't chosen me. I was wrong for questioning Paisley Andrews's motives. It was I who was lacking.
  • In the bible do they talk about a land of milk and honey? I'm pretty sure there is something about a land of milk and honey.
  • I wrote a book called an apple a day keeps the apple monster at bay, it's available in all reputable Christian book stores. It features a talking snake.
  • I'm Christian, I'm in bondage. Sorry just to be clear, my name is Christian and I'm into bondage.
  • I once met God, the guy needs a haircut.
  • Jesus is just Santa for adults.
  • Notice how the Apple logo has a bite out of it. They want you to 'bite' the apple and be enslaved by knowledge. They are the snake in the garden offering the population apple products at over-inflated prices. Choose Android, be with Jesus.
  • Imaculate conception is not real. Mary cheated. The father's name was Bruce Babcock, he sold realestate. I looked into it.
  • Remember when Christianity was about loving one another.
  • Christians are like the Borg: Assimilate, assimilate. But Nazi's are like the Darlecs: Exterminate, exterminate. I have a PHD in cross-cultural studies at Yale.
  • Dinosaurs aren't real or Jesus would have mentioned them in his speech.
  • God made the world is six days. I made my ant farm in eighty-two minutes. Suck on that!
  • I think the Amish were the most honest about their beliefs. They rejected science totally. They didn’t take advantage of every scientific advancement while pretending they knew better than those scientists on areas of science that brought the Bible’s infallibility into question.
  • I wanted to be a Christian but found Jesus rather underwhelming. He could have been so much more if he just applied himself.
  • I stopped being a christian because I was sick of feeling guilty when I whacked off.
  • I don't care about nature or the environment because the real world is the one to come.
  • I can't stand these heart of the law Christians who think being a person of faith is all about love. We are in a holy war and blood will flow.
  • Jesus died to absolving of what I did to those kids
  • I was talking to this non-christian guy and he was trying to give me advice. I'm the one with the sacred ancient knowledge. What a jerk-off.
  • Meditation really helped me but I felt uneasy because it wasn't biblical. But then I heard it was actually created by the christians and the fiflty budhists stole it off us. Knowing this meant I could fully embrace the power of meditation as a spiritual practice.
  • All good Christian parents are authoritarian by nature and does not allow their child to think for themselves and develop critical reasoning skills which lead to the devil and prostitution.
  • It would be so much easier being a non-christian because then you could just do what you like and not have to worry about whether its right or wrong. That's why all non-christians are essentially criminals and should be treated as such.
  • My gay friend is Christian. He has Jesus, but what I think he really wants is cock.
  • Jesus died for us. Not all of us. Just those who believe in the resorrection, go to church and beleive everthing written in the bible. He died for all of us in that category.
  • My pastor said christians shouldn't try to change the world. But also thinks our country needs christian leadership.
  • My pastor doesn't give me any good jobs at church because I don't bang on about Jesus enough,.
  • I put my hand in the air when singing at church to prove i'm moved by the spirit
  • It's really hard to think about Jesus all the time. I want to but then I get hungry and start thinking about pies.
  • Grace is one of those things you act out to prove how devout you are. But it's definately driven by the spirit of god.
  • My pastor keeps banging on about gays, I only know two people in the church that would be struggling with such an issue. Maybe a bit more preachying on sex before marriage, they'res at least five frolickers in the flock.
  • It annoys me when non-christians think they are not inferior, even they are not blessed by the spirit. I'm just waiting to catch them out doing some bad non-christian shit.
  • It's perfectly ok to say i'm angry at god in church because atleast you're admitting he exists
  • This one guy was struggling with his faith so I told him to read more into it. I meant more authodox christian books, not fucking Reddit.
  • If I didn't have god I wouldn't have much. I'm not very likeable. That's the beauty about the church anyone is welcome as long as they keep with the official narrative.
  • Christian movies don't do the church justice. They are all so bland and hollow. Except for that Mr Rogers biopic. Now that's a good Christian movie.
  • Christian movies make us christians look lame. So lightly salted you'd think they were dipped in seawater.
  • I call plain salted chip, christian flavour.
  • I love the church. It's the other Christian's I struggle with. Self-righteous know-it-all pricks,.
  • If Christian put as much effort into healthy families and healthy pair bonding as they do in denouncing gay people, they might have a possitive impact on society.
  • I was listening to this great sermon about Graditude, it was really beneficial, but then they did the old switcheroo they always do and made it about Jesus. Fucking Christians.
  • Judging by how most christians see themselves politically. They don't know Jesus at all.
  • Jesus is the everyman. He's whatever the church needs him to be at the time.
  • I just want christ to come inside me.
  • I thought beleiving in Jesus was enough to becaome part of the church. That's just the gateway belief. Then once your snared they tell you you have to believe everything in the bible as its the word of god. It's a trap.
  • If the Christians are right I personally am fucked. Luckily what Christians believe just doesn't add up. Thank God.
  • My wife is a christian so I'm hoping she gets a plus one through the pearly gates
  • A good Christian is a fantastic human being, but they are rare as hens teeth and are never the ones who take everything in the bible on face value.
  • I don't need cocaine now I have Jesus. I also don't need my son in my face crying about being high on cocaine his entire childhood. I'm a christian, all that's wiped clean. I'm born anew in christ but try telling that little motherfucker.
  • God s saves those who need saving. A lot of us are doing just fine, but the one's who ain't got their shit together need Jesus.
  • Don't be fooled by the all you have to do is accept jesus into your heart routine. What is asked of you is to throw out all your own mental schema and apply that of the churches. Which is fine if you have a head full of rocks. Not so if you've spent your time learning and growing without the good book.
  • I was saved by Jesus, and not by the lifeguard who took all the credit.
  • When things go to hell atleast we've got thought and prayers. Oh, and Jesus, he's coming back, which goes without saying.
  • All these greenies that support life don't know what it means to be a good person in the eyes of christ. Fuck the environment. The real world is the next one where everything is perfect. Greenies will burn just like the forests if I have my way.
  • Jesus wants us to be happy. But not too happy that we aren't doing all the other stuff Jesus wants us to do..
  • Jesus was a big believer in unfettered capitalism. Thats why he preached to the merchants, they were his real favourite.
  • The world is broken so I see no need in making sure we don't make things worse. Just don't kill unborn babies I refuse to support.
  • Jesus died for us. Not all of us. Just those who believe in the resurrection, and go to church and believe everything written in the bible. He died for all of us in that category.
  • My pastor said Christians shouldn't try to change the world. But he also thinks our country needs Christian leadership. I think that's a bad combo.
  • My pastor doesn't give me any good jobs at church because I don't bang on about Jesus enough.
  • I put my hand in the air when singing at church to prove I'm moved by the spirit.
  • It's really hard to think about Jesus all the time. I want to, but then I get hungry and start thinking about pies.
  • Grace is one of those things you act out to prove how devout you are. But it's definitely driven by the spirit of God.
  • My pastor keeps banging on about gays. I only know two people in the church that would be struggling with such an issue. Maybe a bit more preaching on sex before marriage. There are at least five frolickers in the flock.
  • It annoys me when non-Christians think they are not inferior, even though they're not blessed by the spirit. I'm just waiting to catch them out doing some bad non-christian shit.
  • It's perfectly ok to say 'I'm angry at god,' in the church because at least you're admitting he exists.
  • This one guy was struggling with his faith, so I told him to read more into it. I meant more orthodox Christian books, not fucking Reddit.
  • If I didn't have God, I wouldn't have much. I'm not very likeable. That's the beauty of the church. Anyone is welcome as long as they keep with the official narrative.
  • Christian movies don't do the church justice. They are all so bland and hollow. Except for that, Mr Rogers biopic. Now that's a good Christian movie.
  • Christian movies make us Christians look lame. So lightly salted you'd think they were dipped in seawater.
  • I call plain salted chips, Christian flavour.
  • I love the church. It's the other Christians I struggle with. Self-righteous know-it-all pricks.
  • If Christians put as much effort into healthy families and healthy pair bonding as they do in denouncing gay people, they might have a positive impact on society.
  • I was listening to this great sermon about gratitude. It was really beneficial, but then they did the old switcheroo they always do, and made it about Jesus. Fucking Christians.
  • Judging by how most Christians see themselves politically. They don't know Jesus at all.
  • Jesus is the everyman. He's whatever the church needs him to be at the time.
  • I just want christ to come inside me.
  • I thought believing in Jesus was enough to become part of the church.
  • That's just the gateway belief. Then once you're snared they tell you, you have to believe everything in the bible, as it's the word of God. It's a trap.
  • If the Christians are right, I personally am fucked. Luckily, what Christians believe just doesn't add up. Thank God!
  • My wife is a Christian, so I'm hoping she gets a plus one through the pearly gates.
  • A good Christian is a fantastic human being, but they are rare as hen's teeth and are never the ones who take everything in the bible at face value.
  • I don't need cocaine, now I have Jesus. I also don't need my son in my face crying about me being high on cocaine his entire childhood. I'm a Christian, all that's wiped clean. I'm born anew in christ but try telling that little motherfucker.
  • God saves those who need saving. A lot of us are doing just fine, but the ones who ain't got their shit together, need Jesus.
  • Don't be fooled by the "all you have to do is accept Jesus into your heart" routine. What is asked of you is to throw out your own mental schema and apply that of the churches. Which is fine if you have a head full of rocks. Not so, if you've spent your time learning and growing without the good book.
  • I was saved by Jesus, and not by the lifeguard who took all the credit.
  • When things go to hell, at least we've got thoughts and prayers. Oh, and Jesus, he's coming back, which goes without saying.
  • All these greenies that support life don't know what it means to be a good person in the eyes of Christ. Fuck the environment. The real world is the next one where everything is perfect. Greenies will burn just like the forests if I have my way.
  • Jesus wants us to be happy. But not too happy that we aren't doing all the other stuff Jesus wants us to do.
  • Jesus was a big believer in unfettered capitalism. That's why he preached to the merchants. They were his real favourite.
  • The world is broken, so I see no need in making sure we don't make things worse. Just don't kill unborn babies I refuse to support once born.
  • Most Christians do better than the average joe because at least they have some framework for living. The education system doesn't provide that, because their goal is workers who have a need to buy stuff to fill the whole in their life.
  • My gay friend is Christian. He has Jesus, but what I think he really wants is cock.
  • It would be so much easier being a non-christian because then you could just do what you like and not have to worry about whether it's right or wrong. That's why all non-Christians are essentially criminals and should be treated as such.
  • All good Christian parents are authoritarian by nature and do not allow their children to think for themselves and develop critical reasoning skills, which leads to the devil and prostitution.
  • Meditation really helped me, but I felt uneasy because it wasn't biblical. But then I heard it was actually created by the Christians and the filthy Buddhists stole it from us. Knowing this meant I could fully embrace the power of meditation as a spiritual practice.
  • I was talking to this non-christian guy, and he was trying to give me advice. I'm the one with the sacred ancient knowledge. What a jerk-off.
  • Jesus died to absolve me of what I did to those kids.
  • I can't stand these heart-of-the-law Christians who think being a person of faith is all about love. We are in a holy war and blood will flow.
  • I don't care about nature or the environment because the real world is the one to come.
  • I stopped being a Christian because I was sick of feeling guilty when I whacked off.
  • I wanted to be a Christian but found Jesus rather underwhelming. He could have been so much more if he just applied himself.
  • WHEN YOU'RE DEEP IN THE SPIRIT AND GOD TELLS YOU THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE YOUR HAIR!
  • Feed a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Feed a man a cow and it will last a lot longer because cows are bigger, unless the fish is a big tuna or something.
  • JESUS ISN'T RETURNING TO PASS OUT LOLLIES.
  • I know that God is real because I don't have to cut my toenails as often as my fingernails.
  • I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE GLOAT DURING PRAYER TIME AT BIBLE STUDY, "THANK YOU GOD FOR TYLER'S FIRST PLACE AT LITTLE ATHLETICS AND THANK YOU THAT YOU HELPED US GET DANIEL TOILET TRAINED AND THANKS FOR HELPING ME CHOOSE THE RIGHT SPEEDBOAT FOR OUR FAMILY!"
  • WAS CARDINAL RATZINGER IN ON THE WHOLE THING?
  • JUST BECAUSE GOD CLOSES A DOOR DOESN'T MEAN HE WON'T SLAP THAT STUPID FACE OF YOURS!
  • NOTE TO SELF: DEBATE SCIENCE WITH MY CHRISTIAN FRIENDS.
  • When you hear God's small quiet voice saying, "Get your shit together" but you ignore it just incase it's the Devil playin tricksees.
  • The prophetic knowledge he'd give to people were good or bad depending on whether he liked them!
  • WAS CARDINAL RATZINGER IN ON THE WHOLE THING?
  • The prophetic knowledge he'd give to people was good or bad depending on whether he liked them
  • Come they told me. Pa rum a pum a pum. Come meet the baby king Pa rum a pum pum. He's really cute and stuff, Pa rum a pum a pum. He has magical powers and shit, pa rum pa pa pum. Bring your drum. Don't forget your drum.
  • "I know dear, I'd love to have a Bible study around our house too. but what if they discover the sex dungeon? you know that kind of thing is frowned upon amongst our non-swinger Christian friends. anyway the gimp makes far to much noise."
  • When it's your turn to pray and you forget the person's name your supposed to pray about
  • I hate when people gloat in their prayers. God thank you for Tyler's first place at Little Athletics, thank you that you helped us get Daniel toilet trained and thanks for helping me choose the right speedboat for my family.
  • I know that god is real because I don't have to cut my toenails as often as my fingernails
  • I think the Amish were the most honest about their beliefs. They rejected science totally. They didn’t take advantage of every scientific advancement while pretending they knew better than those scientists in areas of science that brought the Bible’s infallibility into question.
  • Give us this day our daily bread, unless you're gluten intolerant. In which case, we are happy to find alternatives.
  • I've got what they call a twisted testicle. It's quite painful, but I leave it like that as a penance for all the ritual sacrifices I took part in. I was really into Satanism for a while, but then I found Jesus.
  • The movie 'The Passion of the Christ' would have been better if there was a giant spider. That would have been so freaky.
  • My mission as a missionary is to take care of the poor, and then teach them why gays are bad and why they shouldn't wear condoms.
  • Our local minister in our small outback town is not all that religious it turns out. I saw him smash his toe on a chair leg and he didn't even yell, "Jesus Christ". Which is what most locals would have done and they're not even that interested in church.
  • Paisley Andrews was my mentor in the church. He could do no wrong. When I found out he was having sex with my mother, I accepted it as God's way. When I found out he was having sex with my father, I wondered why he hadn't chosen me. I was wrong for questioning Paisley Andrews' motives. It was I who was lacking.
  • In the bible do they talk about a land of milk and honey? I'm pretty sure there is something about a land of milk and honey.
  • I wrote a book called an apple a day keeps the apple monster at bay. It's available in all reputable Christian bookstores. It features a talking snake.
  • I'm Christian, I'm in bondage. Sorry just to be clear, my name is Christian and I'm into bondage.
  • I once met God. The guy needs a haircut.
  • Jesus is just Santa for adults.
  • Notice how the Apple logo has a bite out of it. They want you to 'bite' the apple and be enslaved by knowledge. They are the snake in the garden offering the population apple products at over-inflated prices. Choose Android, be with Jesus.
  • Immaculate conception is not real. Mary cheated. The father's name was Bruce Babcock, he sold real estate. I looked into it.
  • Remember when Christianity was all about loving one another?
  • Christians are like the Borg: Assimilate, assimilate. But Nazi's are like the Darlec's: Exterminate, exterminate. I have a PHD in cross-cultural studies at Yale.
  • Dinosaurs aren't real, or Jesus would have mentioned them in his speech.
  • God made the world in six days. I made my ant farm in eighty-two minutes. Suck on that!
  • Love like nobodies watching... Darryl put it away! Geez Darryl, you weren't meant to take that literally.
  • Look both ways when crossing the street. But it's a one-way street. Darryl I'm not gonna tell you again.
  • Dreams of moonlight wonder amongst the mist of a million cherry blossoms. Shut up Darryl.
  • I'm creating a decentralised world distributors network! Darryl, you're buying a couple of pigeons...
  • Failure is not an option. Actually, it is Darryl, the most likely option judging by how you look in that ridiculous hat
  • Daryl of you don't shut the fuck up in going to call your mother. She's dead. Let that be a lesson
  • What do you mean I always pick on you Darryl, take a good look at yourself mate, seriously Darryl, you've got issues you big dickhead!
  • Take your shoes off before coming inside. No not you guys, just Darryl.
  • Sometimes I get sour about getting mistreated and overlooked. And then I think of Darryl and remember just how lucky I am.
  • Darryl has an empty picture frame hanging on his wall to remind him that he's alone.
  • David, you play the Lion Hunter! and you guys play the tribesman. Darryl you play a pheasant, you can be the bait, hop in the cage Darryl.
  • Darryl, did you shit yourself again because it smells like you shit yourself? Darryl? You have, well, head outside so we can spray you down with the hose, and don't get it on the carpet!
  • What is your favourite food Darryl Lea chocolate or poop. The answer is poop
  • Get out of those bushes you kids! Darryl is that you? Oh, Darryl put it away!
  • Darryl, show everyone your ringworm. Come on Darryl, show everybody what happens when you don't wash!
  • What if the world has a huge party so everyone could celebrate life on Earth and we'd call it world celebration day, and the only rule was nobody tells Darryl. Then we'd all laugh at Darryl together united as one.
  • One day I met a fish named Roger, he said he took to living on the surface like a fish to water, which I find ironic. Anyway, the bloke is a great bowler, we should ask him to be on the team and we'll turf Darryl.
  • Headline: Australia is set to become less bogan as it moves away from its convict heritage.
  • Headline: America goes the full retard once again
  • Headline: Menopause changed to Womenopause after feminist outrage on Twitter.
  • Headline: Child gets taken by a crocodile in far-north Queensland. Crocodile demanding fifty-thousand in unmarked bills.
  • Headline: Waste not want not say’s man who finds half a McMuffin on the footpath.
  • Headline: Fat guy loses fifty kilos after being fat-shamed by his wife. Man says, “I look better in photos but I’m still traumatised and that’s why I’m leaving her. And it’s not because I’m finally getting some attention from the ladies.”
  • Headline: We lift the lid on Dubbo’s new jar opening service for seniors and those with weak hands.
  • Headline: Gland! – Good Living and Natural Desires Blog shuts down after 2 weeks.
  • Headline: Testicle clamp: 3 D printer files released to public.
  • Headline: My toes are fine! says local Dubbo woman wearing open-toe sandals.
  • Headline: Stool swapping is taking off in Dubbo among residents with various intolerances.
  • Headline: Guy with three eyes on Tinder says, “No luck yet!”
  • Headline: Local Mayor says his fart jokes aren’t for everyone and will tone it down at the next council meeting.
  • Headline: After extensive feedback, Ben & Jerry’s is increasing the price of their Ice Cream stating, “Complain again, and we’ll charge even more!”
  • Headline: Local woman Wendy Newburn gets head stuck in a fence.
  • Headline: Mother of three says she loves her kids but wishes she had the courage to get them foster parents.
  • Headline: Weak Minds Foundation find twelve new vulnerable members
  • Headline: Local Dubbo man, Scotty Robinson tells his friends he once saw Rex Hunt in Woolies at the mall. Friends say his full of shit.
  • Headline: Local spy Maggie Davis says she's glad the PNC has no idea what she's up to.
  • Headline: TAFE student's medical records were requested because he is on a disability pension and wanted to go on a field trip with the rest of the class.
  • Headline: Dubbo man taken to emergency with three separate and distinct objects jammed in his backside. The hospital warns that the Aldi special buys section is not the best place to find stuff to stick in your arsehole.
  • Headline: Australia is the first country in the world to legalise smoking cannabis illegally while in prison. Only if said weed is sourced locally through an on-duty guard.
  • Headline: Masons no longer sacrificing goats as to appeal to a younger generation who don't like the idea of killing goats.
  • Headline: N S W bans "Crap in the street day."
  • Headline: Dubbo man finds himself in hot water after pouring himself a bath.
  • Headline: "Stop Blaming Everything On Black People Day" mired by the actions of a few.
  • Headline: The Captain of the Dubbo cricket team was recently ridiculed by teammates for not knowing what a Dirty Sanchez was.
  • Headline:  One legged amputee David 'Limpy' Fleming doesn't defy the odds in role as team struggles to kick goals.
  • Headline: Doodle Bum Piper's play at local retirement village.
  • Headline: Dubbo happy clappers looking forward to Christmas.
  • Headline: The March For Better Health sees two fatties keel over,
  • Headline: The petition to ban cats has 20 signatures
  • Headline: Cheese Eaters Guild heads to Bega for the AGM.
  • Headline: Breakdancing Australia to call it quits after 35 years
  • Headline: TACFK - Tackle A Comedian For Kids event ends as you'd expect.
  • Headline: Three dead in 'Say Sorry to Mum Day' massacre in Cowra.
  • Headline: Today is Bring your short friend to work day
  • Headline: Fat guy who lost 40kg back on the donuts
  • Headline: Talk Loudly to Old People Day has oldies turning their hearing aids down.
  • Headline: Fart silencing butt tube by Glointech in production in Narromine.
  • Headline: Chip Eaters Association ruffled over local building plans.
  • Headline: The Australian farting competition follows through. More at 6.
  • French joke: Jabristios is jargon for Sellafacetious.
  • Fuck Formula One, I race potatoes in Formula Twelve.
  • Did you know that there are more stars in the sky than there are Skittles in one of those really large packs of Skittles?
  • My heart is filled with trifle. The trifle of love. It's in my heart. Custard, cake, jelly, and whatever else goes into trifles. That is what is in my heart.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he lived down that way somewhere, I spose. Who knows, it's a chicken.
  • He said, "Chumly bring me my pants. I'm going for a walk". Then I said, "But sir you can't walk on account of you having no legs." "Oh," he said. Then he said, "Chumly, bring me my wheelchair. You're going on a walk." That's when I snapped.
  • Everyone is trying to prove something. I'm trying to prove that the second law of thermodynamics is in fact incorrect.
  • I've got this big idea that might change the world, but I can't tell you in case you steal it and sell it to Schick or Gillette. I'll give you a hint; more blades.
  • You know what they say, "You eat enough chicken nuggets, you end up developing nugget powers."
  • The history of the banana is quite fascinating.
  • How did the blind man know the bucket was white? Because it was pale. I made that one up. How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb? I haven't thought of an ending for that one yet.
  • The flavour has gone out of my life since my wife left. It used to have a kind of fruit of the forest taste with a hint of vanilla.
  • My son has size 14 feet and he's got the gall to call ME a clown!
  • My son has size 14 feet and he's got the gaul to call ME a clown!
  • I'm developing a new superhero character called spyDoor he's part spy part spider and part door.
  • My wife is worth a million dollars. Not literally.
  • Which is the good tittie, left or right #poll
  • Love like it's 25% off.
  • His eyes penetrated her soul. Lol penetrated!
  • Do you ever look at someone's aura and think, that person's killed before.
  • The world needs to settle its differences and come together as a whole in order to fight all the nutters on the right
  • If you ask me there's nothing better than a smoke and a good pull after a workout
  • Does anyone have any experience with the cheese eaters association? Are they more about cheese appreciation or the sale and marketing of cheeses?I want to to share a secret with you all
  • But I won't because you'll probably share it onlineIf I ever come across a dead body, my first thought will be to poke it with a stick.
  • You don't hear the term 'fingerbang' much these days
  • Love freely, like there's no such thing as HPV
  • Which do you consider is your 'love muscle?' your heart or your penis
  • Drugs don't kill people, people who take drugs kill people
  • Where's Gareth Evans when you need him
  • I'm very cultured for a guy who's lived his whole life in a Petri dish.
  • I'm good at counting cards. There are fifty-two, not including the jokers.
  • One day I'm gonna win a Nobel prize, just got to think of something clever.
  • People don't remember Timmy Peppernill like I do. He was the O.G. before Ultimate Frisbee was cool.
  • The mood at the funeral was pretty sombre. I think they needed some more upbeat music.
  • People don't give sticks enough credit.
  • Twenty-seven years ago, my leg fell off. I'm not about to let that happen again.
  • Statistical speaking, I'm surprised no-one has punched Trump in the throat by now.
  • Just doing some late night shopping and noticed the lady in front was buying a few vegetables. It seems a bit of a waste considering all she really wanted was the cucumber!
  • Whenever I see someone who is putting themselves out there on the internet that I think is a bit spazzle, I recognize there are some switched on people that feel the same way about me,
  • Walking to the pub with an empty beer bottle in hand, where to put it? See an empty beer bottle on ground and throw it next to that beer bottle. Sound logic.
  • It's important we find love in our hearts because if we find it in our shoes, something has gone horribly wrong.
  • Good News people, I've made it into the Guiness Book of Records for the Stinkenest Asshole.
  • Oh you think so do you. I'm going to have to smash your fucking face in.
  • Humility is being deeply aware of your own ignorance. - Not my words, but I'm in agreeance. Is agreeance a word?
  • I hate it when my computer gives me a critical battery warning because I know what happens next. My battery starts giving me a hard time and say's stuff like "You know you're not as funny as you think you are" and " Why don't you be a man and get a real job" and stuff like that, it's hurtful.
  • Let me talk to you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and that little thing called love.
  • What does 'tits up' mean in English,? \
  • Who hasn't done that, C'mon give the guy a break? After a long hard work out who doesn't do a little self-exploration through sticking your dick in something you probably shouldn't. Totally natural.
  • I just want you all to know that I'll fight you all with sticks and sharp objects in order to defend my right to use sticks and sharp objects to defend my rights.
  • Anyone know where I can get a kilo of ice? I'm starting a new business. Where can you buy those little plastic bags from?
  • How much do wedge tails fetch on the black market, asking for a friend.
  • Does anyone have a spare watermelon?
  • Thank you to the people who take the time to like and comment on my posts, it's good to know that people out there care about a scallywag like me.
  • Not many people from the 50`s and 60`s listened to rap music as kids. Racists!Thank you to the people who take the time to like my posts. It stops me from getting down and shooting everybody.
  • What`s a good natural remedy for cock mould?
  • Don't be fooled by people who try to fool you
  • Chairsand littletoes areswORNenemies
  • You know there is someone out there that has never bit their finger while chowing down on a sandwich.
  • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
  • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
  • When your nose is so big that people flee from the water when you do backstroke.
  • Whos been to the Australian national stick museum of australia in Dubbo? Is it worth a look, do they only have sticks from Australia or all over the world?
  • I'm what you'd call an empath.  I can tell if someone's crying, just by looking into their eyes.  Then I laugh at them for being weak.
  • Tits on toast is my favourite form of phrase.  I'm having real trouble working it into sentences though.
  • I never buy women drinks.  I'd rather stay an untouched virgin, than let some hussy play me like that.
  • Think about space and how far we can actually go before we have to come back for lunch. Healthy Nutritious food should be a right. Maybe they should get sponsorship from Nestle or something. It's worth thinking about.
  • I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW WHAT "SWINSEL" MEANS IN SWISS, I'VE BEEN TO SCARED TO TYPE IT INTO GOOGLE TRANSLATE IN CASE IT MEANS SOMETHING RUDE, LIKE POOP OR BUM.
  • What's Switzerland up to? They can't all be making pocket knives and wrist watches. Just keep an eye out, that's all I'm sayin'.
  • Does anyone know any good cures for cramps? I heard from my psychic healer friend that licorice was good, so I ate a ton of the shit. I haven't been to the toilet in three days. I`d sue her for malpractice but she read my future and said if I went down that path I`d die a horrible death.
  • Does anyone know where to buy books about the truth of everything? Like floating pyramids and shit.
  • 4 out of 5 doctors lie about the effectiveness of alternative medicine and crystals just to stay in business. One Doctor quotes: "How am I supposed to make money off people's sleep problems when they can easily buy essential oils like Lavender; A known therapeutic treatment for a long list of sleep and other issues. And you can buy it off your friends, making them wealthy, and leaving us Doctors out of pocket."
  • We stand on the shoulders of giants, those who were able to read peoples future for the first time and realized people believed it. Those who cured Cancer with carrot smoothies. Science is holding us back from the hidden truth of unlimited possibilities and the knowledge of real everyday people with faith in their own spiritual superiority and without fancy book learning who cure cancer with carrot smoothies.
  • There are no limits, you can fly if you truly believe it. Probably not as well as a bird because it takes a lot of practice. Dream to achieve anything. Kill people with your mind.
  • It's impossible to really know anything. But you can know everything there is to know if you have love in your heart and don't stab people.
  • With the help of someone with proper qualifications, who was a spiritual leader and drove his own car. I was shown one of my past lives. I was this promiscuous Nun who swore like a trooper, and I knew he was right because she had the same initials and we both like chocolate pudding. #inspirational
  • I saw someone with the worst Aura today. I hate to say it but these people should be put in prison before they do any more damage.
  • Ever have one of those 4th-dimensional dreams. What a blowout. I thought people were just lying through their teeth until I saw Jesus and Muhammad playing ping-pong in their undies.
  • Well, I've officially seen everything on the internet, some things twice. Might be time to get a new hobby.
  • Sometimes I think I'm turning into a zombie internet robot. SCROLL SCROLL SCROLL
  • I think what they should probably do is, when they actually get to Mars, they should have some sort of Party to celebrate and have a drink and let their hair down. But it's all about OH&S these days. that's the problem with these bureaucrats. The countries goin' to hell in a handbasket.
  • My haemaroid has haemaroids, poor little haemaroid, I called him Grayson Featherbottom the third. He drinks port and calls me names after a tipple.. His mum died three weeks ago of botchulism. I forgive you Grayson, life has dealt you an unfair hand.
  • How much does it cost to get your but hole bleached, I've been using a whitening toothpaste, but it's a bit too minty fresh.
  • Shout out to all the Aries folk. Someone new is going to come into all of our lives this week.
  • Knock Knock, Who's There? Who's There Who?
  • Remember what the Romans used to say, all roads lead to home
  • I thought you had to have like army-seal willpower to build a habit
  • turns out youve just got to keep doing the same thing over again until it becomes automatic
  • You just have to simplify your life and just fucos on repeating your habits
  • Its not easy you have to give up the delusion that one day you might become an astronaut
  • You have to give up on all your potential futures and sacrifice them for one or two things
  • Then do them every day repetitively until they become a habit
  • You don't need to do more to have good habits you need to do less
  • figure out whats import and only do that
  • keep it simple, and give up on the delusion you might be an astronaut one day
  • I hate it when my computer gives me a critical battery warning because I know what happens next. My battery starts giving me a hard time by saying stuff like “You know you’re not as funny as you think you are” and “Why don’t you be a man and get a real job”, and stuff like that. It’s hurtful.
  • JUST REMEMBER GUYS: TEATOWELS ARE PRESENTS FOR THE KITCHEN and NOT FOR OUR WIVES!
  • You all belong. Except for you Darryl!
  • My darling I will always love you. You are my girl, and that makes me blessed. To take that for granted would make me an irredeemable fool.
  • My heart is a lock and you are the only key
  • I'm currently 135kg, the only upside is that I'm well insulated from the cold. My fingers could be falling off from frostbite, but my internal organs would still be at a toasty 37 degrees.
  • I’M MAKING SURE I STAY FAT ENOUGH TO SURVIVE A FAMINE!
  • I need to be careful when giving my wife compliments. She's in the habit of asking for specific examples.
  • MY SON HAS HUGE FEET! I WENT TO BUY HIM SHOES AND THE SALES ASSISTANT ASKS, "WHAT SIZE?” AND MY ANSWER WAS, "CLOWN!" SHE SAID, "RIGHT THIS WAY!"
  • My son says, "I'm thirsty." And I say, "Hi thirsty, I'm secondy." That's an A-level dad joke right there, right off the top of the old noodle!
  • WHY IS THERE A PATERNITY MATERNITY SECTION IN TARGET NOT A MATERNITY SECTION
  • Tis the season to be jolly! Does jolly mean fat? If so it's my kind of season.
  • Angela I love you you know that don't you, yes Pete of course. Angela, there's something I have to tell you, I know Peter I know everything. So you don't care that I'm a hermaphrodite. Peter I can change my diet to suit yours. If you don't eat eggs or fish than neither do I.
  • Apparently buttons are cute
  • We will stand together on this union of making and not fault we but and move to be freed from the tyranny of the galactians and their weird shaped heads and or women will not be moved out be overcome from their incredibly large genitalia of which there are two rather than one like it should be as good made it.
  • Gather those of simple means, of hearty spirits and healthy lungs. Least ye sing a song and speak in prose of a time now lost not too long ago, without internet and mobile phone. Some would say a better time. Others not so much.
  • The diamond glowed like some sort of clear shiny gemstone bathed in moonlight. He needed to stick sixty-two of these little fuckers up his arse in order to smuggle them out of the building. But there was a problem. He had a bad allergy to diamond dust.
  • "I'm not much into party drugs these days.  Have you got any work hard, keep your noes clean type drugs.  Alcohol? Not a good look.  Coffee?  I really don't want to be judged.  Tea it is and we will slip in a little speed to keep you on task. Sounds great."
  • He reached into his pocket and pulled out a golden baritone ferrometer and entered the magic code, then bang pow 15 doves flew out his arsehole, at that point he loudly exclaims, I now pronounce you man and turklenuffin
  • "Its 2340 and I'm one of a small group of humans that were born naturally. They call us the naturals and we have special powers which allow us to feed off crystal energy. This power was first discovered in 2019, before the cyborgs, by a woman named Debra who could tell people's future and could talk to ghosts.
  • You know that Indian guy, that Indian guy that hangs around Paisley Andrews? You mean Barty Faqua? No not Barty. The guy that works at the servo. You mean Lance? No not Lance the other guy who delivers is pizza sometimes. Yeah Lance, Lance Bruce. No not Lance, the one with the moustache that wobbles his head. Oh him, you mean Depesh. Yeah, Depesh. Depesh is Sri Lankan, not Indian, no wonder I didn't know who you meant.
  • Marshall the troops. We lay waste to the city at dawn. How bout 10:30? The troops generally aren't up till 9 and they need a feed and time to psych themselves up. 10:30 it is then. We lay waste to the city at 10:30.
  • Vegemite has been a staple in Australian homes for donkey's years (since 1922), but did you know up until recently they Vegemite was owned by food giant Kraft Foods Inc. As of January 2017 Vegemite is owned by Bega, the guys that make the cheese. They paid four hundred and sixty million for it. Another interesting fact is that Vegemite is made from leftover brewers' yeast extract with various vegetable and spice additives. It's also vegan, kosher, and halal. Much to the dismay of your average boofhead.
  • Some people say I display too much hubris, I say fuck them I'm awesome
  • I have a very probose vocabulary
  • Flomuxt is up there as one of those words.
  • IT'S PRONOUNCED "YOGURT!"
  • They once thought roses only red. But with science the colour instead. Was yellow, white and blue. With other colours too. But the original has the most cred.
  • Takes garbage out. Sees neighbours. FUCK.... How's it garn?"