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1. Be Kind - Some of have to learn how nourishing kindness really is. We grow up with all manner of trauma without good modelling of how to be kind, to the point where we can develop adverse reactions when confronted with it. Kindness is important and it keeps those who would do us harm from inserting their venom.
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2. Hold your tongue - 90% of problems come from tounges belonging to people who have no learned the art of keeping silent, and not saying the wrong, unfair, unkind, dammaging thing out loud. Not every thought that comes into your head needs to be verbalised. Once we learn to hold our tounge, we realise the power of not saying too much, or being un diserning with our words.
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3. Be non-reactive - Some people will always try to get a rise out of you, they are pigeonholing you and saying this person does that, then proving it, they are baiting you. Learn non-reactivity or differed reaction. Don't let someone unravel you in the heat of the moment. Learn to breathe, to know when no reaction is the best kind. Learn to sit with feeling without reacting to them.
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4. Protect Your Heart From Bitterness - The world can make us bitter, and bitter people are carriers of a bitterness virus they unknowingly try to spread. Do not be cynical about the world and only see darkness, don't forget about all the good stuff. No matter how bad you've been hurt, do your best not to be warped by bitterness. And be wary of those who are a carrier, show them love and care, but protect your heart, a bitter heart can be cured,so if you find yourself becoming bitter the cure is love, understanding,self-care, compassion, and kindness for others.
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5. Have and Assert Boundaries - We must be able to identify what is not acceptable for us and train other that you won't tlerate certain things that disrupt your peace and wellbeing, we do this by being assertive and communicating affectively with people about the things that do us harm.
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6. Be able to walk away from people. Some people don't want the best for us, or a too messed up to not do dammage, we must be strong enough, and love ourselves enough to walk away and distance ourselves from people who do us harm, if they are unable to change their behaviour and understand your bounderies, you must distance, even if you get joy from the person, they are doing you dammage, care enough for yourself, be strong enough in yourself to walk away, no matter the relationship or tie. If they are causing you difficulties and are not willing to address it. Walk away, sometimes this is temporary, sometimes this is perminant, it all depends not on words and forgiveness but a change in behaviour.
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7. Be able to be alone - To be strong enough to remove people or groups of people from our lives we must be able to understand that its okay at certain times in our lives to be alone and be by ourselves, and to use this time to grow. We allow bad people in ur lives far to long because we feel we need them, if there a negative you don't . and if you strive to become a good human being, be assured other people will come into your life.
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7.7 Assess people by their actions - Your assesment of people should be based on there behaviour, not on their words, even if they try to speak with honesty, generally people identify with their ideal self and ignore the shitty parts of their personality, if people actions are inconcruent with their words, don't be fooled by platitudes and rationalations, set boundries based on action, sure give people the benefit of the doubt, but don't ignore patterns and shitty behaviour.
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8. Let good people in - Don't push god people away because you feel unworthy, become worthy, and consciously treat them well. Don't reject people because you're used to edgy, fun people, let thoughtful people in.
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9. Accept people where they are at - Everyone is different and have different values beliefs, and ways of being, if they are not being shitty and troublesome, meet them where they are at with acceptance and love, don't judge difference, judge shitty behaviour.
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10. Be aligned with your highest self - Be a true expression of the best of you, this does not mean trying to be perfect, or pious, or pure, be yourself, speak your mind, be authentic, don't try to be right and righteous, be honest and know your values so you can align yourself with them
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11. Incorporate your shadow - Most people identify with their idealised self and reject the parts of themselves they consider unworthy or bad, this leads to an incongruence betweenhow people talk about themselves and how they behave, they are ignoring and rationalising their negative actions, beware and acknowledge the parts of yourself your rejecting, if you aren't aware of all parts of yorself, you will not be aware of your own shitty behaviour.
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12. Align your words, actions, and values (The Trinity Method)
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Don't be unreliable narrator of your own story, speak your truth and peove it with your actions, if you change your values and how you speak and act based on who you are with or what crowd you are with at the time, you will lack authenticity and integrity and people will see that, and exploit it.
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13. Stand by your values (The Cyclops Method) To live through your values you have to know your values, you have to choose your highest good. When we have conflicting values, or a mess a values based on what is best for us, and the prevailing values of the tribe, we must close one eye, both values may have its place, we cannot sit on the fence, thinking and saying one thing at one moment, and believing and acting out another in another moment,say while your around your friends. Align yourself, your actions and your words with your truth, that means closing an eye totruths which may be worthy for other but not in line with our own truth. As you grow you start to individuate and decide your own truth, but will be living the truth of society, the tribe, your parents, your friends, when these to ways of being are merged, your character become incongruent, allowing others to point out that incruence, saying your not honest,real, and don't have integrity, this is dual mindedness, to overcome this stage we must choose for ourselves our highest values, who we are, what we are about, what we believe, what we do and don't stand for, and be true to that, we must close an eye to the culture to fully individuate and become a person of integrity, honesty, and authenticity.
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13.2 Don'tbe at war with other people values: Arrogonce stems from believing your highest values are the only values wrth having, that you embody mankinds highest values and therefor are superior to others, this superiority complex is a falsehood. As difference is necessary in society as society is full of niches that need to be filled, all requiring different modes of being, at different times and circumstances, a different set of values will be superior, we cannot be all things at all times, nor should we try to be. Values interact with each other and by asserting one vlue, we must pull the lever down or up on other values, you cannot both believe in speaking the truth at all times and believe in not offending anyone for example. This interchange of values, means if you try to be all things to all people, you will fail,and be seen as inauthentic. This interaction of values means there is not one right way to be, just a right way for us, based on our strengths, likes, proclivities, beliefs, etc. So when somene has different values than us, we should not try to convince them of our values, this is folly, and we should not try to steer, punish, or correct who they are, let them be. Learn to be strong enough in yourself that you don'thave to go around selling yourself and your values. Suumsique: To each his own. You must protect yourself from people with a lack of values, although they might not know it, they are dangerous, without any overaching values, a person is driven by there desire and primal instincts, and ony after they wrong you will they rationalise it.
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14. Be Kind - I've said this one already, but really, common guys
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15. Be aware of status games and don't play into them - People whoare not walking to the beat of their own drum and are driven by the culture, seperate themselves and distinquish themselves within the rat race by competing for status. Be aware f status games and try not to get drawn in, don't one up people, celebrate their wins, challenge putdowns, jibes, and jabs withut going tit for tat, and only if they are misrepresenting your character, know that status is fluid and ongoing, it can only be won in the moment, and is dependant on the circumstance and moment. Be strong enough in yourself and assured enough, to give praise, love and kindness freely. Share your status with those worthy, help them to shine.
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16. Have your own domain - A surefire way of avoiding living in a constant state of competition, comparison, and envy, is to have your own unique values and beliefs, all your own, and to have your own domain of excellence, unique enough that constant competition is only between you and the person you were yesterday.
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17. Don't use put downs (rib well) - It might be normal in your circle to constantantly trash and put down each other for shits and giggles, but this is a way of keeping people in their place, and to stop them from growing or wanting to become more, and having a healthy self-esteem. Don't play into that mode of being, don't match put down for put down, and try to chip away at people self worth and confidence. Build people up, praise what is worth praising. Gentle ribbing creates a fun friendly environment where people can be themselves and laugh at their folly, but their is a difference between ribbing and trying to keep someone down, or chipping away at their status. A good trick is the reverse putdown where you rib someone in the form of a compliment. Meeting the negative aspects of ribbing with positive reinforcement.
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18. Be generous in your praise - If someone does something good or kind, especially if directed at you, praise them for it. Highlighting peoples strengths is a great way of showing love and kindness.
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19. Don't blow smoke - Don't give false praise where you build people up for something they don't do well, or sucking up to them to get them on side, these are all forms of manipulation and it will catch up with you.
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20. Become intrinsically motivated - Once we learn our likes and our values and what brings us the most joy, we can start being motivated internally about what we want for ourselves and what brings us good self-esteem, rather than being externalalyy or extrinsically motivated by how you look an what other people will think of you, which will have you living in a state of competion, living your life to please and impress others.
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21. Compete with yourself - rather than trying to be the best or trying to outdo your peers, compete with yourself through personal growth, trying to be the best version of yourself, based on your strengths and likes. This will bring higher self esteem, and let you be more authentic without competing for status with those around you.
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22. Don't throw pearls at swine - Don't try to impress everybody, and don't give parts of yourself that will not be recieved with love, you don't owe everyone your truth, don't give love and wisdom where it will be wasted or used against you. And don't give everyone the fullpicture of what is going on in your life,be decerning about who you say what to, some people just want to see others failing, and some people just want to talk shit about you, don't give them ammunition. It is not dishonest to hold back on information about yourself, it is self protection and presservation.
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23. Take ownership of your life - Own your folly, your faults, your weakness, and work on them, but don't use blame and excuses for problems you create, this is a surefire way of making yourself a target. Also if you own and become aware of your problems and don'tjust laugh them off or rationalise them, you can fix them or atleat minise dammage through awareness. This does not mean you should go about giving away those problems to anyone in your life that will use them to enlarge, distort, trigger, and conflate those problems, butif someone is affected by your shortcomings, owning it and making amense,will give you strength.
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23. Do the right thing - If you do things that are the right thing to do, it might take a little more effort, but you will be strengthened by it.
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24. Be aware of passive aggression and gaslighting -Sometimes when we want someone to like us or we really like someone, or we want to be accepted, we are to worried about being judged, and we do not take the time to assess and judge people or persons words and behaviour, if we are not able to judge the other we are easy targets for gaslighting, where people try to convince you of things that aren't true just to manipulate and destabilise you. Also be wary of peoples subtle hostility towards you which is shown through justifying bad behaviour and deflecting when confronted. And always do the same for others, do not manipulate, and if yyou have a problem with someone, be upfront about it.
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26. Be generous and don't sponge - If someone is generous towards you, show your thanks, but don't see it as a free ticket. Always try to pay your way where you can, don't ask to much of people, and give what you can. Give more than you take if you are in the position to. And if you don't have the funds for something, don't go. Being generous is an excellent way of showing love, and if you don't have a misely mindset, you won't miss it, and don't expect payback, or to recoup your losses.
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26. Swings and roundabouts - It's good to get into the habit of writing off losses because you'll make them up in other areas, don't stress if someone rips you off, it won't matter in the long run, and don't rip anyone off, the small wins at others expense make you look petty, and will get people off side, and it'll come back to bite you. Factor unaccounted for losses into your account, don't get wound up when you lose out unecessarily, there will be times, where out of the blue you'll have a win that makes up for it.
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Don't gamble - Gambling is a terrible way to get ahead or chase highs, you will lose in the long run, guaranteed, it's just math, you won't end up ahead, and your time can be spent more wisely. Also those losses can put pressure on relationships and make you less reliable.
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Don't argue - Arguments get you knowhere accept getting people of side,if it's an argument over something that directly affects your life, it's a totally waste of time, people don't change their minds.
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27. Apologise when wrong - At all times if you've done the wrong thing,apologise and mean it by not making the same mistake again, apologies are hollow if theydon't come with a plan and action or change.
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28. Don't die on every hill - Don't defend what's not worth defending, pick your battles, is this winnable, is it worth it, am I going to make a difference. Even if you are right or righteous. Leave it alone unless you are in the position to affect positive change or protection of self or others is a concern.
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29. Stop trying to save people - All change comes about internally, helping people to do better is a total waste of time if they don't see a problem or justify their way of life, generally all that is happening is that they are trying to bring you down into the muck. If you are going to help, keep a professional distance, and defend your boundaries.
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30. Let people be - What you see as a problem, another might see as a way of life. Let people be, don't try to change them. Model good behaviour and treat them well, and if they are careless or unkind, keep your distance.
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31. Recognise a good heart - Be able to recognise people with good hearts and treat them well. Everyone has their issues and folly, so don't judge people so harshly you filter out everybody.