Yesterday I decided to give up on video for good; making good video takes too much, and I don't have the time or patience for that bullshit, so I gave up. It only took me a month to realise the new thing I wanted to stick with until I succeeded was dead in the water.

I'm very unhappy about it, and I'm still having things pop into my head that I could do with video, but fuck that bullshit. I'm out, and it's sad and a little pathetic. I'm pathetic; the videos I've made are pathetic, poorly produced cheap slop by someone who is not very articulate. It's over, thank God.

What now: writing, just writing, oh and fitness and family and connection, but just writing, the bread and butter. And fuck coding too; my apps are shit. I've got one good app, the one I'm using to write this, and I'm likely the only one using the fucking thing. I'm a failure, a glorious failure in a multitude of ways, and an embarrassment to my bloodline.

But I will battle on, because frankly I am good for nothing else. A shit writer that will write to bring meaning to his small, pitiful existence. Fuck writing, fuck creating, fuck it all. But I will write because that is all that remains.

I will try and see success; how that is measured, I do not know, certainly not in monetary terms, but I keep moving forward, failure after failure, and enjoying the ride when I'm not this low. Even now I have ideas of what I can do with video, just as a side thingy.

I'm such a loser, but most of the time I'm a happy and very lucky loser, because I have family, and that counts for something. Scratch that. I'll still do video, but without the pressure or consistency — just for shits and giggles — no serious stuff. I love making videos; I hate the lack of enthusiasm from the public.

I'll write when it comes to the deep stuff and use video for the fun, frivolous stuff. I'm a dick; 10 minutes ago I'd given up on the frivolous stuff to focus on serious Ricky. Oh well, you can't win 'em.