My life as a husband and dad.

My daughter is the light of my life, but we ain't been getting on this week; gotta stop buying her shit.

My wife is lovely, and I adore her, but she isn't really interested in me; she just likes my feedback.

My wife says, 'That's hilarious!' Instead of laughing.

My wife Liz is going from strength to strength, kicking once-unimaginable goals, while I'm writing silly words for a non-existent reader; everything is right with the world.

My daughter is a sweet angel full of love who's also my own personal in-house terrorist, a fifth column, if you will.

I've created a monster by being too generous with my daughter; she always wants to buy shit, and she's a fantastic negotiator. I need to make a new rule: I don't negotiate with terrorists.

We get a new member of the family this weekend. On Grace's birthday, in fact. Her name is Waters, and she's an Australian Cobber Dog. A relatively new breed that shouldn't affect my allergies too much.

My daughter, who is about to turn seven, hits me. She gets upset when she doesn't get her way, and she wallops me, hoping I'll let her buy that Toca Boca mansion.

After she wound me up the other day. I gave her a big smack back. And I hit her hand instead of her bum, and it hurt her; no real damage, but she was in tears. I don't generally hit her; it's not a common occurrence. I have smacked her bum, not to discipline her, but out of sheer frustration; it's a knee-jerk response. I certainly don't flog her, but sometimes when she riles me up and I want her to stop, the thought goes through my head to give it back, so she knows not to mess with me. After I hurt her hand the other day, I told her I'm a lot bigger than her, and I could hurt her if I lose my temper. I'm a calm, non-violent guy, but every now and again she screams and hits me, and I want to smack her. Generally, I think better of it, but I wish she were a little scared of my wrath so she doesn't poke the bear. She's under the delusion that we are equally matched, and if I fight back, she'll give me more of the same, little shit.

My daughter came home from school on Tuesday, sat herself down at the table and did her homework for the week; this was without prompting or my help. Go Grace. 12 points to Griffledoor!

The trick to winning Monopoly Deal I have discovered is to keep your mouth shut so as not to bring attention to what you're up to, or another player will target you before you can carry out your dastardly plan.