Competition, Comparison, and the Circle You're In
People don’t really like people they know to be winning, perfect, special, or great.
They need distance before they can fully appreciate someone’s greatness.
This idea is explored in Luke Burgis's Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.
Up close, we compare. We compete. Especially with those who are similar to us—same age, same sex, same field.
And in that comparison, we often look for ways to see ourselves as superior.
Extrinsic Motivation
The more extrinsically motivated you are, the more trapped you become in cycles of competition and comparison.
Extrinsic motivation is driven by the outside—authority, reward, status, image.
It places your sense of self in the hands of others.
People operating this way invest heavily in how they’re perceived.
They present an idealised version of themselves to signal status.
They suppress the parts of themselves that don’t fit the expectations of their group.
Even when they do good, it’s often for show—not from a grounded sense of what is right.
They follow what is seen as good, not what they know to be good.
Intrinsic Motivation
Intrinsically motivated people operate differently.
They are guided by internal values, not external approval.
They don’t compete to be the best in the eyes of others.
They compete with themselves.
Their aim is not to match an external ideal, but to become their own.
We’re All Fools
We are full of contradictions, blind spots, and hypocrisies.
We are all fools in our own way.
But in a competitive, extrinsically driven mindset, these flaws are seen as weakness.
And the last thing someone locked in that system wants is to look like a fool.
So they hide it.
They protect their image instead of confronting their reality.
Accepting Your Whole Self
To move beyond this, you have to loosen your grip on your idealised self.
In Sigmund Freud's’s terms, this means stepping back from the “super-ego” and becoming aware of the whole self.
Including the parts you’d rather not see.
When you do that, you no longer need to perform.
You can show your flaws without collapsing under them.
To someone still playing the external game, that looks like weakness.
They may label you a loser.
But We’re All Losers
In truth, we’re all flawed.
We all carry our own version of foolishness.
So what’s actually happening?
The extrinsically motivated person clings to their ideal self.
They project superiority onto you to protect that identity.
But to maintain it, they have to reject parts of themselves.
And that makes them less self-aware.
More reactive. More controlled by what they refuse to see.
Shadow Integration
When the “shadow” is unacknowledged, it operates unconsciously.
People often think integrating the shadow means indulging darker impulses.
It doesn’t.
It means recognising those parts exist.
Owning them.
Understanding them.
And in doing so, gaining more control over your behaviour and awareness of your patterns.
Embrace Being the Loser
So when someone operating in constant comparison treats you like a loser—take note.
Not of their judgment, but of the system they’re operating within.
Then let it go.
Or better yet—embrace it.
It may be a sign you’ve stepped outside the game they’re still playing.