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I’m a Bit Lost at the Moment

Maybe confused is a better word.

Christian author Dr Larry Crabb says that being confused can be a good thing, a positive state for Christians who want to grow in their faith. I can’t dig much deeper into his viewpoint because I’ve read two Christian books with my wife lately, and while they have been greatly impactful, much of what they said washed over me rather than becoming embedded in my understanding.

What else did Crabb say in his book Change from the Inside Out?

Well, a lot of things, but I really should have taken notes.

Let me think...

He talks about being protective of yourself as a sin. He calls it self-protection, where you do the wrong thing to others in order to protect yourself.

That struck me because I’m hugely self-protective in the way I avoid people. I avoid a lot of social contact outside of those I love and trust.

I love my family and have a deep affection for them. I love spending time with them, although togetherness wears thin for me after a while and I need to be alone to reset.

I’m a loner. In many ways, I’ve always been a loner. I’ve also been incredibly shy all my life.

Not that it totally seems to fit. I’m very encourageable and can be loud, obnoxious and animated. I enjoy being in the middle of things, but I constantly place myself on the outside.

I have to feel safe, and I rarely do these days.

Some of that comes from past errors and the shame you carry because of them. Another part is an overcorrection after being too open, accepting and naive about what hurts people, and how dark and vindictive they can be. Some forms of cruelty are almost normalised within less thoughtful communities I’ve been part of.

These days, I have greater self-esteem than I did in my youth or throughout my twenties and thirties. I guard it by trying my best to be a good person and to do right by others, my family and myself.

But I also guard it by avoiding people and refusing to meld with others through sinful ways of relating.

As a result, I miss opportunities to grow closer to people outside my family and my very small circle. Underneath all my rationalisations, I don’t trust people to judge me fairly or treat me kindly.

I have a negative filter over relationships outside my closest ties. This is partly exacerbated by a mental illness that looks for danger in the environment. I’m never sure whether the signals I pick up are real, or whether they come from a receiver so sensitive that it creates a signal from the noise.

For the most part, I like it this way.

As an outsider, I can be objective. I’m not as easily swayed by minds needed me to adapt to them, and being cajoled into thinking, reinforcing and believing things merely to fit in.

Or perhaps that is partly a story I tell myself to justify remaining outside.

I don’t really know whether I’m lonely. I don’t feel lonely. I have my family, and there are other people in my life, but they know I’m not particularly accessible. Half the time, I’ll be a no-show.

I wonder how much of the life I have built for myself has been designed around self-protection, rather than what is truly necessary for me and my path.

I also wonder whether my lack of success in what I do is partly because I don’t connect. I don’t join in. I keep my distance and protect my mind and heart from the competitiveness and callousness of the world.

I know it has played a part. How much, I don’t know.

I’m not even sure I’m ready to change, or whether I want to.

What does God want for me? What do I want for myself? Are those two things aligned?

I don’t know the answers, and that is the source of my confusion.

Is following my own true north the wicked path?

Should I simply follow the Bible and what it says? If I do that, am I doing the right thing, or am I merely toeing the line of the tribe rather than genuinely following the Bible?

The Bible says a lot. I’m sure I could find a way to convince myself that I’m on a righteous path, but would I be?

Is toeing the line always such a bad thing? Should I give up some part of myself in order to become more aligned with what the mold requires?

Should I listen to my heart when the heart lies?

Do I try to package my idiosyncratic nature, built through thousands of thoughts and actions, into something more acceptable? Would that get me the responses I seek without leaving me feeling rejected and misaligned whenever I speak with my fellow man?

Is the path straight or winding?

Do I become rigid, or retain enough flexibility that I’m not easily broken by cultural winds?

I know I’m wrong on many levels, but I also know that you are too.

Should I open myself to your judgement and grow within my confusion? Or should I stand tall in myself and join in while letting people know:

I’ve done the work.

I’ve put in the time.

I have grown more than most.

Reckon with me.

Or is that the very problem?

The path is narrow, and at the moment I’m too fat.

I know that much.