For a long time I thought I worked so much because I was driven, ambitious, or creative. Recently I realised something simpler and more uncomfortable. A lot of my work is a substitute for connection. I spend most of my days on the computer making things. Apps, writing, videos, little experiments. My goal is to get those things seen and used. I tell myself that I am building, creating, contributing. But underneath that, there is another motive. It is how I try to connect with people. Earlier in my life I struggled to get anything done because I wanted to be around people constantly. Conversation, attention, interaction. Sitting alone working felt difficult. Over time I replaced that direct need for connection with something else. A kind of indirect connection through output. Instead of talking with people, I make things and send them out into the world. It is still about people though. Human motivation almost always is. We want to be seen, understood, valued. We want to matter to someone. The realisation hit me after a small social gathering. When I got home I felt an intense surge of desire to succeed and be recognised. At first it looked like ambition. But if I am honest, it was something more primitive. I wanted to be valued. I wanted respect. Status. The feeling that what I do matters and that other people see that. I want connection, but I also do not want to be seen as less. I want the connection to come with recognition and a sense that my value is enduring. There is also another drive mixed in there. Legacy. A part of me wants to leave something behind through my work so that I am not forgotten. The irony is that the work that might actually matter most is often the work I avoid. The more meaningful something feels, the more resistance it carries. So instead I make smaller things. A fart button in JavaScript. A funny video. Some ridiculous little experiment. Those projects release tension. They let me create without the psychological weight of doing something important. The work I consider valuable is different. I often feel out of my depth doing it. And experience has taught me something frustrating. Even if you create something genuinely useful, there is no guarantee it will be seen, used, or implemented. All of this means my productivity is partly driven by a strange substitution. I replace my need for connection with the pursuit of connection through my work. It works surprisingly well. It is a good way to get a lot done. But it also comes with a cost. When most of your connection is indirect, you miss out on the simple joy of being social. This insight also made me reconsider something about Australian culture. The tall poppy problem. When I finish something I often feel proud of it and want to tell people. I talk about what I have built recently or what I have completed. From my perspective I am sharing enthusiasm. But what others may hear is boasting. Earlier in my life I had the opposite problem. I talked about doing things but rarely finished them. In the past few years I have shifted to finishing things first and then telling people. Now I am starting to see a third option. Connect with people outside the realm of my work. Play down what I do. Focus on the relationship rather than the output. In America people tend to talk up their efforts and achievements. In Australia people often do the opposite. They play them down to avoid being seen as a tall poppy. I probably am a tall poppy. A very tall poppy. But I am starting to realise that not every conversation needs to be about what I have made. Sometimes it is enough just to connect. #mind #creation #reflections Published 12-3-2026 Written on https://freewriter.app